Everybody Loves Raymond s02e22 Episode Script

Six Feet Under

Who wants to be measured first? - Me.
I do.
- Okay, get up here.
Okay, wait a second.
No, she's got to turn around.
Let Daddy show you how it's done.
Then I'm going to lie down.
See, shoes off.
Heels against the wall.
Feet together, head leveI.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
And 5'11 and three quarters.
What? No, I'm 6 feet tall.
- Me next.
- Not yet.
Wait, Ally.
Let Daddy do it.
Do it again.
- Okay, 5'11 and three quarters.
- No! It says 5'11 and three quarters.
You can't tell on a giraffe.
I'm 6 feet tall, everybody.
Ray Barone.
Black hair, brown eyes, 6 feet tall.
People say, "Who are you?" I'm 6 feet tall.
That's who I am.
All right.
And -5'11 and three quarters.
- Come on.
That's what it says.
Look, 5'11 and three All right.
What, you like saying it? You don't have to get so upset about it.
Guys care about height, you know? Just like women care about weight.
I don't care about weight.
Yeah, you don't 'cause you only weigh about, what, 140? See? Don't get on your high horse if you can't take the smell.
Ray, I'm sorry about your height.
I still love you, okay? The kids love you.
Don't you, kids? See? I'm 6 feet tall.
Honey, maybe you were 6 feet tall, but you just shrunk a little bit.
What do you mean, shrunk? That happens, you know? As you get older, people tend to just Shrink? - It's not a big deaI.
It happens to everyone.
- I'm shrinking now? Ray, don't get all, you know - Oh, my God.
I'm shrinking.
- Ray! Mommy is not 140.
Man, so close! Listen up, everybody.
I've got an announcement to make.
I suck and I quit.
You only blew the game-winning shot, what's the big deaI? Yeah, there'll be other game-winning shots.
Hopefully, you won't take them.
Look, isn't it obvious? I'm too short to play this game.
What? I measured myself yesterday, and I'm a quarter-inch shorter than last year.
Ray, you could shrink a foot and still not be the shortest guy on the team.
You could lose a leg and still not be the slowest.
Don't you see? I'm going to keep shrinking.
Relax, Ray, you weren't that good to begin with.
Sounds like you're having a little mid-life crisis.
What? No, God.
Mid-life crisis.
I don't want one of those.
I do.
I can't wait for mine.
I'm going to get a Harley and a girI who's impressed by Harleys.
Debra won't let me have either of those.
No, that's not the problem.
Come here, Raygeleh.
You're worried that you're not going to accomplish everything you set out to do in life.
- I am? - Who knows? But I went to this self-improvement seminar to meet women and I learned that people with goals don't worry so much about getting old.
- Did you meet anyone? - No one.
Apparently, I don't appeaI to women with goals.
You know what I always wanted to do? Run the New York Marathon.
- Come on, for reaI? - Yeah, reaI.
Guys, what is with all this dream crap? Why don't you go home, hug your fathers, and maybe we'll win a game.
You should do what they made us do at the seminar.
You make a list of the 100 things you want to do before you die.
-100? - I can come up with, like, four.
You just think of the stuff that you want in your life that you don't have.
Look, I don't need any of that, all right? All I need is another quarter-inch.
Who doesn't? Yeah.
You are correct there.
You're right on the money.
"Things to do before I die.
" It's personaI, okay? Like you have your feminine products.
Is this about you shrinking? Maybe a little.
Look, the guys thought that the reason the shrinking thing is bothering me is 'cause I'm having a mid-life crisis.
Yeah, and I need some goals, you know? Something to shoot for.
You want to have an affair? - What? Where did that come from? - Well, how come you won't show me? Yeah.
I put "have an affair" on paper.
That's one of my goals.
Disappoint another woman.
Yeah, I get it.
Look, just give me the list, all right? I just want to see it.
Look, just keep in mind, it's not really done yet.
"Peking duck, goat cheese pizza.
" What is this? I told you, it's goals and stuff.
These are your goals? These are restaurant specials.
I've never had the Peking duck.
So your goaI is just to eat things you've never eaten before.
Not entirely.
"Enlarged prostate.
" See? That's something that I want to avoid.
Not something I wish to eat.
- What? - I see.
- What? What are you - Well, Ray, come on.
You're a writer.
Don't you want to do something like write the great American noveI or I thought about that, and then I thought I don't even want to read the great American noveI.
Well, there has to be something else you want to do besides: "never throw up again.
" No.
That's it, see? I got nothing.
I got no dreams.
Ray, everybody has dreams.
Yeah? What do you have? What's on your list? - Me? - Yeah.
Well, I just thought that after the kids grow up, it might be nice if, I don't know, we moved upstate and opened a little bed-and-breakfast somewhere.
Bed-and-breakfast? What do you mean, like, strangers coming in and out of our house all the time? Yes, Ray, strangers.
I'd like to try strangers for a change.
I don't know.
This is all happening too fast.
We don't have to do it today, Ray.
I'm just trying to get you thinking.
I'm thinking I'd better come up with something before I end up with your bed-and-breakfast tucking in a gay couple from Cleveland.
All right.
You know what? Maybe the reason that you can't come up with any goals for yourself is that, in your own Ray way you're actually content.
Where are you picking up that vibe? Look at the facts.
You have a great job, a wonderfuI family a loving wife who weighs nowhere near 140.
Yeah, so what are you saying? I think maybe you've already accomplished more than you've ever dreamed of.
You really think so? I do.
Maybe you're one of the lucky people who's actually living his dream.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
See? You feeI better? - What? What, Ray? - I'm thinking if what you said is true, and I've already done everything then I guess this is all there is.
Good morning, Raymond.
Want some eggs? No, thanks.
Listen, I want to ask you guys something.
When I was a kid, do you remember me having a dream? I remember you wetting the bed.
No, I don't mean that.
I mean, like, what did I want to be? Dry.
How many eggs, Robbie? Three.
Today I'd like them raw, in a glass.
What? I'm in training.
Going to be running the New York Marathon this year.
- Come on.
You're really going to do that? - That's right.
Marathon, huh? Put me down for a buck a mile.
You don't pledge for this one, Dad.
I'm not pledging, I'm betting.
I say you'll cry like a little girI by mile two.
Ray, you want some of this action? - Look, at least he's got a dream, right? - Are you making fun, too? No, I'm actually jealous.
You have a dream.
I've got nothing.
Nothing? - You've got nothing? - What? House, wife little daughter, twin boys.
That's nothing to you? That was my dream! Hello! So why don't you go take your little mid-life "I'm shrinking, I'm dying, I don't have any dreams" and go right back across the street to paradise.
Look, you don't understand Yeah, I don't understand.
Just go, because I'm going to tell you something.
I have Are you all right, Robert? Yeah, fine, Ma, I'm fine.
What? What do you Put the Guess I'm just going to have to scratch dream number two off my list.
Go ahead and cook those eggs, Ma.
I should have put my money on warm-up.
Raymond, why didn't you tell us you were having a mid-life crisis? The announcements are still being printed, Ma.
Here, sit down, have some eggs.
You know what I always wanted to do, Ray? Sing like Tony Bennett.
Tony Bennett? That's right.
But look at me.
Am I Tony Bennett? No.
You see, you do a thing, and that's what you are.
One guy lives in Brooklyn.
One guy lives in Sutton Place.
Another guy's a lawyer, one guy is a doctor.
Another guy dies, another guy gets well, people are born What the hell are you talking about? Don't worry so much.
You die.
You did what you did.
Stop saying "die.
" It's obvious Raymond's afraid of dying.
What am I supposed to tell him? That it's not going to happen? It's going to happen.
You're going to die! Thank you, Dad.
There you go.
Now, Raymond, you know, we are all afraid of death.
But the important thing is to be ready.
See, your father and I have all we need, right in here.
We have our will and our insurance and the deed to our buriaI plot.
Where's the permit to the neighbors' parade? - Frank, what is this? - What? Our joint buriaI plot.
It only mentions one.
Where's the other plot? What, who cares? I sold it.
You sold half of our joint buriaI plot? The people next door had an unexpected death.
They were very upset.
I got twice what I paid for it.
It wasn't yours to sell.
I sold my half of the plot.
How do you know it wasn't my half, Frank? I always sleep on the left.
And when were you going to tell me about this? I wasn't.
I figured if you went first, you couldn't yell at me.
And if I went first, yell all you want.
You have always wanted to leave me, haven't you? Till death do us part, Marie.
After that you're on your own.
Why don't you fulfill one of my dreams, and leave me alone now? Holy crap! We found something we have in common.
How bad can death be? - Hey, cornflake.
- Hi.
In a good mood, huh? Yeah, I did a lot of productive thinking today.
- Yeah? - Going to be cremated.
What? Yeah, I think it just makes sense, you know? More sense than buriaI.
I'm not all that gung ho about decomposing.
How did you get onto this? Look, it pays to think about these things.
Hey, don't be like that, either.
I don't want a big, sad funeraI.
You know, make it like a celebration.
People telling stories, funny anecdotes about me.
Like a roast.
What is wrong with you? Good news.
I found a cemetery that can fit us all in.
Misery, your company's here.
It's beautifuI.
But it may be a little tight.
One of us has to be verticaI.
I don't know, Ma.
I'm thinking of going cremation.
Oh, you want to go off on your own, too? This family is falling apart.
- This does look nice, though.
- See? Debra, would you mind being the verticaI one? Why Debra, Ma? It can't be your brother, his head would stick out of the ground.
Hey, how about a wood chipper? Then we could all fit into one big trash bag.
That's morbid, dear.
Deb, you should look at this.
It's pretty good.
You're going to die, you know.
I know you're not excited about spending eternity with my parents but it's not going to be like now, when all they have to do is cross the street.
I mean, they're going to have to bust out of their coffins and tunneI through the dirt just to get to our coffin.
And then they're banging and - We could pretend we're not even there.
- Shut up! Stop it! Stop talking about coffins.
So you want to do cremation with me? Ray, you're supposed to be having a mid-life crisis, not an end-of-life crisis.
Look, don't tell me how to have a mid-life crisis, okay? - What would you know about it? - Because I've already had mine.
Really? Yes, a while ago.
Was that the perm? - No.
- 'Cause that didn't look good.
It was two years ago.
You never acted like you were having a mid-life crisis.
Ray, look at me.
I'm rubbing cream on my hands.
Do you know why I'm rubbing cream on my hands? Because it's hand cream? No, because my skin isn't as soft and smooth as it used to be.
Have you noticed? - I didn't want to say anything - Shut up, Ray.
That is why every night I take this cream and desperately try to turn back the clock.
And even though I know it's a losing battle, I still do it anyway.
That is how you have a proper mid-life crisis.
You do not start planning your death.
You go into deniaI like a normaI person.
- Give me your shoes.
- What? All right, but I think my shoes are soft enough.
Just give them to me.
When you started going all nuts about the height thing I bought these as a joke.
But now I think they're actually going to help.
So stick these on.
Come on.
These aren't going to do anything.
You want to be 6 feet tall? Put them on.
I'm not wearing lifts.
They're not lifts.
They're extra-thick Odor-Eaters.
Two birds with one stone.
Look, this doesn't really mean I'm 6 feet tall.
Hey, this cream doesn't mean my hands are any softer than they used to be.
I don't know.
I'm talking about death, here, okay? You really think some cheap insoles are going to change my outlook These are kind of bouncy.
Little spring in your step there, young man? Yeah, whatever.
Come on, who am I really fooling here? You've only got to fooI one person.
And if I recall, that person once asked me if Jell-O was a fruit.
Listen, you do whatever you need to do.
As for me, I'm going to put these tea bags on my puffy eyes and dream about my bed-and-breakfast by the lake.
Good night.
Hey, can you put these in sneakers? Put them anywhere you want.
Feeling tall and smelling good.
Frank, you want your ice cream or not? He's not here, Ma.
Where did he go? I don't know.
He said Ray got him thinking.
Ray got him thinking? Yeah, you believe that? About what? I left my heart in San Francisco Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.
High on a hill It calls to me
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