Everybody Loves Raymond s03e01 Episode Script

The Invasion

- Hi.
- Hi, Marie.
What was the truck in front of the house with the dancing little bugs on top? We've got termites.
Oh my God! Oh, oh, dear! I told you, dear, you have to keep up with your housekeeping.
Marie, why don't you Children, come on, off the floor right now.
Come on, come on, you're all coming to stay with Grandma.
No, no, we have a hotel we're gonna stay at while they tent the house.
A hotel? Those places are even dirtier than here.
No, no, you're just gonna come across the street and stay with us, period.
I'll put out some more towels.
I well, it would be cheaper.
How could you even think of going to a hotel? Don't you think you ought to check this out with Frank? Why? Wow! Did you do that yourself? They're coming! Oh, look, it's the Raymond Barone's living memorial.
So what happens? Every 45 minutes an actor dressed as you comes in and recreates scenes from your life, huh? Yeah "Oh no, where is my retainer? Oh!" "Hey, what's that? A pimple?" "You know all the other guys have hair down here.
" Yeah, that's it.
That's the whole show.
Except for the finale where you stare at the Farrah Fawcett poster and lock the door.
All right, here we go the Honeymoon Suite.
Got the closet right over here.
Toilet down the hall.
Light switch.
Okay, got it.
Thank you.
I'm not tipping you, brother.
Now, now, I just can't believe you're back.
Don't worry, Robert, it's just for a couple of days.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I'm sure you'll have a marvelous time.
Mom is going all out now that "Raymond has come home.
" All right, thank you.
Hey, by the way, there's a few rules I take my showers at 6:35 A.
You will please refrain from any and all flushing.
Despite what Dad thinks, it is not funny.
Enjoy your stay.
- What are you doing? - Setting my alarm for 6:35.
- Hey, they're touching my stuff.
- Who? Your kids.
The two boys and the other one.
I had a whole stack of quarters, now it's a pile.
He keeps his quarters stacked up on a dresser.
I don't like anyone touching them, you know that.
- I know.
- You bet you do.
- I know that I do.
- And don't you forget it.
I know, Dad, I won't.
It's so peaceful here.
And I'll say this it's much smaller than a hotel room would have been.
Come on, in a hotel room, you you couldn't get the complete set of the "Book of Knowledge.
" Hey, let's look up "reproductive organs.
" That's all I had until Farrah.
Oh, Debra, you're here.
Hi, yeah.
I was just getting ready to watch my program.
And welcome to "Everyday French Every Day.
" It's my French lesson.
I watch it every day.
At 4:00 here.
You know, Debra, I tidied up Raymond's room.
Wouldn't you be more comfortable there? Oh, the twins are napping in there.
Say it with me Debra, you're reading and I'm sure this is distracting for you.
Oh, no, I'm used to Tv.
I can just tune it right out.
A blood sausage - It was glaring on the screen.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's probably too dark in here for you now.
No, no, that's fine.
Oh, good, good.
So long as you're comfortable.
That's the important thing.
I can't stand it.
I can't live here this way.
You're leaving? Hey, you're eating the brownies.
They're for I know, everything's for our very special guest, Raymond.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond Oh.
Raymond, you have to do something.
All right, well, I didn't prepare anything, but how about this? Oohn-na-na-oh-hee! I'm trying to watch my French class in there and it's very difficult.
Tres difficile.
Oh, Ma, don't French, okay? Why? What's the matter? Well, Debra's in there reading.
What, out loud? No, but I just don't feel free to participate.
- It's very intrusive.
- What?! Yeah, and one of your kids is clopping around in my shoes.
Some people find that cute.
I hate that.
Yeah, and Ray, who flushed this morning while I was conditioning? "J'accuse!" That's good, Robby, good.
- He's accusing you.
- I'm ignoring him.
Please, Raymond, go in and talk to Debra.
I'm missing my French class.
- Mom, no - Please, please.
- Please, s'il vous plait.
- Ya-ah, oh.
Don't vous va blah me.
All right.
Hey, could you go read in the other room? Why? My mom's trying to be French in here and you're - intruding.
- What?! I don't know, you're in the way.
Look at you.
Wait, let me get this straight, sitting quietly on the sofa reading to myself is intruding? You know how the French are.
I'm intruding?! But her coming over to my house every day with food and rewashing the kids clothes and your father fixing things until they're broken, that's not intruding? All right, it's one more day.
No, I really love this.
Just play along.
One more, that's all.
- Boy.
- What? What? You know what? She thinks reading is intrusive.
Oh, what the hell was that? What was what? That that okay.
What? Nothing, no, I was just thinking.
Termites bastards! I wanna watch "Care Bears.
" Hey, get out of the way! Sweetie.
Sweetie! Ally, here's your corn dog, honey.
Ally's having a corn dog now? Yeah, I made enough for everybody.
You want one? But it's almost dinner and Mom's making lasagna.
You shouldn't be ha-having corn dogs now.
Get one for me too.
- Yeah, corn dog! - Yeah.
- Hey, bubble wrap.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How was the rest of your day, huh? - It's better now.
- There we go.
Hey, I'm back! Oh, and I've got all kinds of goodies here for What are you doing? We just we're having a little snack corn dog.
Corn dog?! I am making dinner.
You should know not to eat Those are hot, aren't they? What's the matter with you people? I have lasagna in the oven.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry, Marie.
Was that for dinner? I took it out to make the corn dogs.
You want a corn dog? No, thank you, dear.
I still want mine.
Hey, what is this? Oh, gosh! I guess that's your dad's remote.
I must have accidentally brought it upstairs with me.
This was no accident.
Somebody help me.
- Geoffrey, get up, Geoffrey! - What are you doing? I can't be the one who brings this to me.
He'll kill me, okay? He likes Geoffrey.
Geoffrey! Shh, will you stop? Just stop there, stop.
Go back to sleep.
Listen you're going too far with this.
This?! This is nothing compared to what they Oh, come on, when they come over and do stuff it's 'cause they don't know any better.
You do.
You know what's that called when you know better and you still do it? Not nice.
Oh-ooh! I'm serious.
Listen, we are guests in this house.
Oh my gosh! Who are you? Admiral von Puss? No.
Ray, can't you see? I'm just trying to make a point here.
Listen, you could help me.
It could be fun.
Come on, we never do anything together anymore.
You are sick.
If I am sick, it's because your family made me that way.
We made you that way.
I'm sorry that's how you feel.
Oh, where are you going? I'm going to sleep elsewhere, okay? I wouldn't want to make you sick.
Good night, Admiral.
Hey, Robert.
Robert? Robert? Oh, Raymond, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I didn't it's just a reflex.
I think I know why your marriage broke up.
What are you doing down here? I need a place to sleep.
Debra she's got the kids in the bed.
Go sleep on the couch.
I can't, Dad's still tearing apart the living room looking for the remote control.
Come on, it's just one more night.
Just move over.
All right, but no noise.
- I got an early shift.
- Yeah.
Hey, could you put a shirt on? And some underpants.
Excuse me, I believe this is my bed.
All right, but, come on, a guy gets in bed with you, you put some pants on.
I will not.
You don't want to sleep with me, go back to your wife.
I'm I'm not gonna be able to sleep ever! So everybody has to do what Raymond wants, right? New sheets for Raymond.
Brownies for Raymond.
Can't sleep naked around Raymond.
You know what you are? Intrusive.
What? You're calling me that? You're calling me that? You're calling me that?! Intrusive, you! Intrusive! You know what? Debra was right.
Think this is intrusive? Okay.
Where are you going? Upstairs.
Don't get up.
You are so uptight.
Ah! Holy crapping crap! What the hell happened here? I wanted to tell you.
I tried to fix it.
It was too loose.
It was never this friggin' loose.
I'm sorry, Dad, I was just trying to help.
You want to help me? Find my remote.
I don't understand why you would use bleach on these towels.
They just seemed a little yellowy.
Yes, they're yellow towels.
My whole bathroom is yellow.
It's my theme.
What did you do with the door? Why is it always me? Why don't you ask your son there, Mr.
Fix-It? Hey, I'm just trying to help.
Ma, where are all the towels? Oh, hi.
You are a little too free with the body.
When are they leaving? - See, yellow! - Ma, Ma, towel, please.
No, this doesn't go with here.
Look what you're doing to us.
What? What are we doing? We're just helping.
Yeah, I mean you seem to have so much to do.
We just wanted to pitch in.
- Why, is this annoying to you? - Is it bothering you? - Are we intrusive? - Because we don't mean to be.
We're just trying to help you the way you help us.
Oh, I see what they're doing.
Are you trying to repay us for everything we do for you? Well But you see, dear, when we help you, we're actually helping.
What? Don't worry.
No, no, I'm not mad.
I can't be mad at you if you don't know what you're doing.
You know what, Mom? Maybe you haven't spent enough time showing them how to do things.
Hey, Robert No, no, I say when that tent comes down Ma's over there showing you how to do the laundry.
Why don't you go complete the outfit and put on the toilet seat cover? And maybe Dad could teach Ray how to fix stuff.
That's true.
You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass, do you, son? No.
Hey, they're taking the tent off.
Oh, we can start right now.
I'll go get my cleaning supplies.
And we'll make you a starter kit.
I'll get some tools, hammerhead.
Hey, Ray! Raymond, it was Raymond.
I knew he really didn't want to sleep with me.

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