Everybody Loves Raymond s03e13 Episode Script

Ping Pong

You're pretty happy, aren't you? I gotta go to Florida next week to cover the PGA.
I might have to play a few rounds myself.
What is not to be happy about? Oh, how about my growing resentment? Well, you have your hobby and I have mine.
No! Sweetheart, aw.
Oh! I know you're up there.
Come down here.
Come down now! Come on, come on.
No, this isn't gonna happen.
No smiling.
Get on the couch.
Get on the couch, we have to talk.
You understand? We're gonna have a long talk here.
Get over here, up on that couch.
This can't happen.
This can't happen.
No, over here, hey! Hey you, on the couch.
No, don't laugh.
Listen, turn around, no.
It's not funny.
Do you know that that's Daddy's golf bag? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you do.
Well, do you know what titanium is? Yeah.
You know how hard Daddy works? Yeah.
Don't you know golf is all Daddy has? - Yeah.
- Yeah, smile.
It's gonna be funny when we send you a postcard from Disneyland, isn't it? Yeah.
Then how funny Cut the cute crap, it ain't gonna work.
Resentment going down? A little, yeah.
Wow, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Okay, right down here, boys.
Come on, come on.
Okay, well don't push, Ray.
You gave me the heavy end.
- Hold on, hold it.
- You got it? Ma, why do you need all this fabric? I got it real cheap and I'm gonna make beautiful curtains for your apartment.
Great, Ma, is it flame-retardant? - Of course.
- Just my luck.
Come on, Ma, where do you want it? Okay, open up that ping-pong table and lay it out.
And be very careful.
Make sure you wipe off the table before you put it down.
What was that? Nothing, Ma.
Robert just fell.
On the fabric? - No.
- All right.
Well, there it is.
- Oh God! - What's the problem? I'm just thinking about my childhood and Dad playing us in ping-pong.
Oh yeah, with the taunting? Yeah and the rhyming of the scores.
"10 serving three, you can't compete with me.
" "14 serving one, you're really not my son.
" How about how about this move every time he scored a point? Yeah and then he'd do that voodoo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get away, I know.
He made you cry.
- I didn't cry.
- You cried.
- The ball hit me in the eye.
- Then you cried.
Yeah, my body was reacting.
To the desire to cry.
Come on, let's pick it up.
Who was it who finally beat Dad, huh? Yeah.
Who was that? Of course, the first of the many Raymond glories.
I got him with my Rayman spin ball, boom! Yeah, Dad was so crushed.
So sad.
Yeah, that was great.
I didn't have to play ping-pong with him ever again.
You're talking about playing ping-pong with your father? I always hated that.
He made my Raymond cry.
- Aha! - I didn't cry.
Oh, honey, your big brown eyes getting watery, the little sniffles, you were so precious.
- I was not! - Oh, Raymond.
Oh, I'm glad he finally let you win that time.
What? How would you and Debra like a bedspread made out of this? No, Ma, Ma, I beat Dad.
Okay? I beat him.
Don't you remember? I was in eighth grade, it was in March and I came home and I put my sneakers on and I had a fluffanutter.
I remember the fluffanutter because I thought it would help me beat him.
But after I won I realized it had nothing to do with the fluffanutter.
- Ma? - Whatever you say, dear.
So Dad let you win.
No he didn't.
No, he did not.
It was me, pal.
I was on that day.
- Yeah, yeah - Dad! - Sorry, Ma.
- Why, where are you going? Can't miss this.
- Hey, Dad, I want to ask you something.
- I'm watching here.
Hey, Dad, the last time you played ping-pong, did you let Ray beat you? Yeah, quiet.
- Ah! - You did not, Dad! Hey, give me that.
Dad, I beat you.
Don't you remember the Rayman spin ball? Ray, I learned to play in Korea from Koreans.
You think some punk kid is gonna actually beat me? No, you were trying to win.
You were sweating and panting.
I'm a damn fine actor.
I saw your face when I won.
You mean this face? I'm so sad and weak and old.
There's no way I could have returned Ray's spinning ball.
You let me win? 'Morning, Sunshine! Now can I watch Tv? You never let me win.
You never cried.
- I didn't cry.
- You cried.
I want a rematch.
I'll be all for it if there was any chance of making a man out of you.
But that horse has long since left the barn.
Yeah! Yeah well, that horse is gonna kick your butt.
Come on.
Come on, if you let me win back then, you should have no problem beating me now, right? - Unless - What are you saying? It's what I'm not saying.
Okay, tough guy, - you're on.
- Good.
You got the balls? Yeah, don't worry about me, pal, okay? Oh yeah, we've got to buy some balls.
Tomorrow then.
Can I play winner? Ray, come on! You're still up? No, now I'm up.
You know you know what would be louder? If you hit the ball directly against my head.
Come on, come to bed.
Sorry, no sex before a game.
Yeah, that's not a problem.
Come on.
I need to practice.
Yeah, but I need to sleep, honey.
I got to take the kids to the doctor in the morning and then I need to see a lawyer about divorcing you.
No, no, no, know what? This is good.
You can help me here.
The key to my father's whole game is trash talk, all right? So just start mouthing off.
Just call me Nancy.
- Ray - No, no, Nancy.
Or Sally, or pansy.
Pansy is always good.
Listen this shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Your father has always given you a hard time.
You should be used to it.
I am look, the thing is this I beat him, okay? And I always had that on him.
If I didn't really win that game if I didn't beat him, then I don't know, I'm just 12 years old crying in the basement.
I thought a ball hit you in the eye.
You wanna talk about it? No, no, I would like you to support me on this.
Oh, nothing I do is important, right? I I'm just here to support you.
"Oh, Ray, you've got to stick up for me with your parents.
" "Ray, your parents are bothering me.
" "Ray, your parents are in my face.
" Yeah, okay.
But the minute I need you - You're pathetic.
- All right, forget it.
No, come on, come on.
You're pathetic, Nancy.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, look at you.
You're soft, you're weak.
- Yeah, this is good.
- Yeah.
Oh, you're a crybaby.
- Easy.
- Sorry.
Raymond, I just want you to know that your father is a very sore looser.
But when he wins, he's a gloating moron.
Here, I brought you some lasagna for strength.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Okay.
Maybe after the game.
I just had a fluffanutter sandwich.
I want you to know, Ray, I'm rooting for you too.
- Oh, thanks, Robert.
- Don't get all choked up.
It's more of an anti-Dad thing than pro-you.
Hear ye! Hear ye! Will all women and children please retreat to a safe distance? Except for my little girl Raymond.
One butt shellacking, coming up.
Go get him, Dad.
- What the hell is that? - I got caught up in the hype.
Marie, get a mop.
'Cause after I play Ray, the floor is gonna be soaked with tears.
Yeah, but they're gonna be your tears, 'cause it's gonna be your funeral.
If it's my funeral, how could I be crying? Nice try.
I thought it was good, Raymond.
Oh look, Ray's got a cheerleader.
Warn me when you're gonna do a split.
All right, here's the ball.
Let's keep it clean.
No biting.
volley for serve? - No go ahead, you take it, Dad.
- Oh, thank you.
Zero serving zero.
Ray can kiss my rear-o.
Come on.
- The voodoo.
- Yeah, okay.
Point Dad.
Maybe you should take a bite of the lasagna.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Then take a bite out of this.
One serving zip, I see a quivering lower lip.
Point Dad.
I haven't danced this much since my prom.
Yeah, it's like vaudeville.
Just hit the damn ball.
Two serving nada, I'm ashamed to be his fada.
Yeah! Ow! Point Dad.
He did that on purpose, sir.
No, I did not.
Shut up, Robert.
- Don't tell your brother to shut up.
- Just serve, Dad.
- All right.
- Point Dad.
That time I didn't even rhyme.
Yeah, all right.
Come on, just play.
That doesn't exactly sound like a winner, does it, Robert? I don't believe so, Dad.
Ah! Point Dad! - All right, all right.
- Oh, no, no, fight back.
Talk dirty to your father.
What?! Say ass.
Mom, come on.
Come on, Ray, you're gonna talk some more trash to me? No, I don't know.
I'm distracted by the shine off your scalp.
That's good one, Raymond.
'Cause you're bald.
Take all the skin off my head, it still wouldn't cover Ray's nose.
- Oooh.
- Yeah well, I wish it would 'cause then I wouldn't have to smell your head without the skin on it.
What's that supposed to mean? - Shut up, that's what it means.
- I don't like that.
- You too.
- Ooh! Sorry, I'm sorry.
I actually liked you on the other side better.
Because the tilt of the basement was working in my favor.
Your serve, Nancy.
Yeah, oh, Nancy.
Too bad I trained for Nancy.
- Point Dad! - Damn it.
If you have a point in you, you better break it out 'cause you lose this one, seven-nothing, game over.
Skunkatee, skunk, skunk, skunk.
- Ray, are you crying? - Yeah, I'm not crying.
I see moisture, crybaby.
It's sweat, all right? Just leave me alone.
Zero serving six.
You're fat and you smell.
Point, match Dad! You know, I've got to hand it to you, Ray, that's the best I've ever seen you play.
I almost had to use my good hand.
Lemonade, Marie.
- Now you know what it feels like.
- What? Now you know what it feels like when someone lets you win.
Oh? - What are you saying? - Nothing, I let you win.
No, you didn't.
I could tell you were trying to win.
Yeah, okay, all right.
Yeah, yeah, I know people.
I know how they act.
You were not acting Oh, what, you mean you mean this? Damn it! Ah! Like that? That's it, we're going again right now.
- No, no! - Come on, serve! Oh boy, that doesn't sound like a winner, does it, Robert? I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.
You admit that I beat you right now.
I would if it was true.
- Come on, serve the damn ball.
- No.
- Do what I say.
- No, I'm not.
There you go.
Not bad, huh? - Raymond, that was terrible.
- What? You can't take a man's dignity away like that.
Dignity?! Dad? Come on, the man mows his lawn in his underwear.
He cleans his ear with his pen.
He rhymed zero with rear-o.
So, Ma, quick game? You know, I wanna say one thing.
Anytime we've ever played ping-pong or played anything, you've always been Better? A jerk.
A jerk? I'm not a jerk, I'm a survivor.
No, jerk I think works.
Let me tell you something, when I came back from Korea, I had no money, no skills.
Sure I was good with a bayonet.
But you can't put that in a resume, it puts people off.
I had nothing! You had Mom.
I worked in a restaurant, a meatpacking plant, a bowling alley, and they all ended the same way with the same lame-ass excuse broke too many dishes, too slow with the giblets.
I'm sorry, you've been replaced by a machine that rolls the ball back.
You're an accountant.
Yeah, by the time you came along, I was an accountant.
Not even an accountant, bookkeeper.
So? So what? That's a good career.
That's a job.
You think I liked it? Sitting there all day? And then the traffic, the idiots.
That is life.
And you've got to be tough.
I tried to show you that.
With ping-pong? I was good at ping-pong.
I never lost a game.
So this is all for my own good? The taunting, the trash talk, the dancing? All that is to help me? You're welcome.
So if you were trying to help me back then, then why did we stop playing? Because you beat me.
- I did? - Yeah.
You didn't let me win? No.
Well, look, if it makes you feel any better, you just beat me.
You're just saying that.
No, I'm not.
It's true.
I was trying my best down there and you skunked me.
I knew it! - & Ta-ta-ta-ta, I'm still number one.
& - Oh, come on.
All right.
What about the tough life and trying to make me better? Meant every word.
Okay, so another lesson, right? Watch and learn.
All right, here we go, cubby.
Trash talk allowed, right? - Bring it on! - All right.
Zero serving zero, you experimented in camp.
Those were rumors.

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