Everybody Loves Raymond s03e19 Episode Script

Big Shots

- Hey, listen Ray - Hit him, hit him.
You're watching boxing! The kids are here.
Maybe they could use a little counter-programming.
You showed them that "Swan Lake" video, Michael came downstairs this morning on his tippy-toes.
Come on, kids, I have some snacks in the kitchen.
Hey, let's see those tippy-toes.
That's good.
You only have a month or two before that takes.
Hi, dears.
Isn't this wonderful weather we're having? It's so crisp and clear.
Quiet, Marie, I can't hear the punches.
So, Raymond, are you going to the Hall of Baseball tomorrow? What? The Hall of Fame, Marie.
You ignorant Raymond, your brother was talking about some sort of a ceremony.
It sounded like a lot of fun to me.
And since you are a sportswriter and have such important connections Oh, just say it, Marie.
The Hall of Fame is honoring the 1969 Mets.
Your brother asked your mother to ask you to take him.
Which one of you do I say no to? Come on, Raymond, you know how much that would mean to your brother.
Mom, you know how long it takes to get to Cooperstown, okay? I'm not driving the car with Robert for four hours.
His feet smell.
- Well, take a bus.
- A bus! That's a smelly feet contest.
- Hi.
- Hey, Robert.
- Hi, dear.
- Hey.
So what's new? I was just taking Shamsky out for a drive today.
It's nice out, huh? So what's new? Cut the crap.
Your mother asked him already.
Robert, why do you have to have Mom ask me to take you to the Hall of Fame? Ma, you were supposed to make it seem like it just came up.
And you were supposed to wait across the street until I flashed the venetian blinds.
Wow, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Hey, Ray! Oh, come on.
What are you doing? I'm making memories.
What? Nothing, it's just we're about to crash into a big blue dot.
Oh, come on, Robert.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little excited.
The '69 Mets.
The amazing match.
The Miracle Mets.
I love those guys.
It's one of the few bright spots of my childhood.
I just wish Dad had taken us to a game.
Hey, he took us to a lot of Yankee games.
That was fun.
Well, maybe for you.
I hated the Yankees.
What do you mean you hated the Yankees? You cried every time they lost.
It's because Dad told me it was my fault.
Hey, you've actually met some of those guys.
Kranepool, Harrelson, McGraw.
Man, what a life you've got, meeting sport's idols, free hot dogs.
You're a lucky man, Raymond.
Lucky man.
Nah, it's not that great.
Most of the time I'm sitting in locker rooms, guys with towels, guys without towels.
I sure hope Art Shamsky will be there.
You know, he homed on his first time at bat.
I know.
I can't wait to tell him I named my dog after him.
Oh hey, do me a favor, don't tell him that.
What do you mean? I brought Shamsky's collar for him to sign.
Whoa, whoa, you're not taking that thing into the Hall Of Fame.
What if I just let Art sign it but I don't tell him about the dog? - Give me the dog collar.
- No, no way.
- You're not bringing that in.
- But I want him to see I swear to God, I'll turn this car around right now.
All right, fine.
Look, we'll go in, you'll meet Art Shamsky and the rest of the Mets.
On the ride home, we'll get you a Happy Meal.
Hey, hey, are you all right? Yeah, I'm just a little nervous.
Just relax, man.
Just act normal.
These guys are just like you and me.
Except they don't throw like girls.
Whoa, we should have gotten here earlier.
Yeah, just stick with me.
Ladies and gentlemen, from your 1969 New York Mets, please welcome Tommie Agee, Jerry Grote, Bud Harrelson, Cleon Jones, Ed Kranepool, Tug McGraw, Art Shamsky and Ron Swoboda! - Whoa, whoa! Can I help you? - Oh, yeah, hi.
I write for a newspaper, "New York Newsday.
" Me and my photographer, we're here to just cover the event.
The press event was last night, sir.
Today is for the public.
All right, so we'll just talk to the players, - snap a couple of pictures.
- No, I can't let you do that, sir.
These people have been waiting here all morning.
Oh, yeah, I know that.
But again, I'm Ray Barone - from "New York Newsday.
" - I'm sure you are, sir.
But you're gonna have to wait in line like everyone else.
Okay then, look Ray, let's just go to the back of the line.
- I mean how long could it be? - Three hours.
Really? Hey look, I don't want to wait in line here.
I'm gonna have to ask you gentlemen to move along because I need to keep this area clear.
Look, Ray, it'll go fast.
We'll play 20 Questions.
No, no, no, look, there's got to be something Hey, you're Ray Barone from "Newsday.
" Yeah, yeah, that's me.
I see your picture everyday.
I read your column.
It's great.
Oh well, I can't argue with that.
Yeah, you know that thing you wrote last week about the new stadium proposal? That was really good.
Oh, hey, thank you, man, thanks.
Thanks, man.
It's nice to get out and meet the readers.
You know? Yeah, yeah it is.
Hey, what are you doing? Nothing.
Let me ask you something, did you read the one Hey, hey, hey, no cuts.
- No, no, no, I'm with him.
- No you're not.
I've been staring at the back of this guy's head since 6:00 this morning.
Maybe you should've brought the Jumble.
- No cuts! - I'm not cutting.
Let's just get in line before it gets any longer.
No, look There's Tug McGraw.
I've interviewed him.
Let me talk to Tug McGraw.
- What about me? - Play 20 Questions with that guy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm thinking of a famous person.
Hey, Tugboat.
Hey, Tuggy Bear.
Hi, it's me Ray Barone from "New York Newsday.
" Oh, yeah, Barone.
You're the guy that did the article on ballplayers becoming announcers.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
How are you? I'm doing okay, considering I'm one of the ex-jocks looking for a second career at the expense of the hearing public.
Good, good, fantastic.
Who is that? He's nobody.
Take a hike, Barone.
Okay, thank you, Tug.
Thanks, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, you gotta believe! Yeah, uh Tug said it's okay for us to go in.
No he didn't, sir.
I heard him.
He doesn't like you, sir.
- Back of the line.
- No, no, no, he's he's razzing me.
That's what we do.
We're good friends, me and Tugboat.
Sure you are, sir.
Move along.
- Yeah, back of the line.
- Who do you think you are? Look, I'm Ray Barone.
I work for "Newsday.
" I'm covering this thing.
I'm a reporter.
Good, give us a report on the back of the line.
Okay, look, Ray, I'm getting in line, all right? No.
no, no, just wait, look I need to talk to Art Shamsky for a few seconds.
- I've been nothing but patient.
- He's right there.
I just need to talk to him.
I want to talk to Art Shamsky.
My brother loves him.
He's got a dog collar for him! Hello! Hey, can I get some dipping sauce, please? All right, I'm not eating this.
Who can eat buffalo wings without dipping sauce? Certainly not Ray Barone from "New York Newsday.
" What, you wanted to wait in that line? I'm sorry, I'm not gonna wait in a line all day like everybody else.
Well, obviously you're not like everybody else because everybody else got to meet the Mets.
I did you a favor.
I drove four hours.
How about showing a little appreciation? Oh, that's right.
Thank you, Raymond.
It's been my dream to get 50 feet from Art Shamsky.
Excuse me! Excuse me, exc Oh, what am I? Invisible? What are you doing? I just want to preserve this moment.
I mean, how often do I get to see the "Ray-Doesn't-Get- Everything Show"? Okay, I know what this is.
Oh, it never ends for Raymond.
He has everything, I have nothing.
Oh, mopey, mopey, pouty, pouty, snooty, snooty.
Oh! No, no, I admit that there may have been times when I might have mentioned in passing that I possibly envied you.
But not anymore.
And would you like to know why? Yeah no, not really.
Where the hell is the waitress? Everything you have successful career, great family, free hot dogs has made you lose touch with reality.
You are spoiled.
Oh yeah, and I guess all those years sponging off Mom and Dad have made you a better person.
It certainly did.
I may have a thankless job, be divorced, pay full price for a hot dog, but I happen to have something you'll never have.
A tail? Character, Ray.
Oh yeah, yeah.
You're very superior.
Yeah, you see I am superior because I'm humble.
Excuse me, uh, Lisa, - may I have some some water, please? - Sure.
And some dipping sauce for my little brother here.
- Coming right up.
- Thank you, dear.
You see, it's nice to be important.
But it's more important to be nice.
Great, advice from a guy who made a teepee out of his French fries.
Big put down from a guy who just got kicked out of the Hall of Fame by someone with a flashlight and a whistle.
Hey look, I did it for you.
What, ruined it? Oh, yeah, yeah, I ruined it.
Look, I don't need to take this crap, all right? You ever notice when you get worked up that your voice cracks? - Oh, shut up.
- Ah, there it is.
- Shut up! - You see what's happening here? Now I may be upset that I didn't get to meet Art Shamsky, but I'm still able to keep my voice at a comfortable speaking level like so.
You might want to give that a try too.
All right, let's try.
Attention, jerk head, if you're joining me on the ride home I'm sorry, did I say joining? If you're mooching a ride home off me that you had to have your mommy ask for, there will be no talking, okay? You are not to say a word to me.
And there will be no bathroom breaks either.
So if you're smart, you'll do what I'm doing right now and visit the restroom.
Hope there's not a line.
& Bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum & & Bum, bum, bum, bum.
& That's right.
We must have hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk.
Put your shoes on, gouda feet.
- But they're all swollen.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh! No talking.
Oh no, what? Does he want me? What did I do? What did I do? I didn't do anything.
What's the speed limit here? I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, good evening, Officer Jaro-skiwi.
Are you sure? So what seems to be the problem? I had you at 55 in a 40.
License and registration, please.
Uh, okay, sure.
Sure, registration.
It's right around here.
Somewhere I keep it.
Robert, why don't you tell this guy who you are and what you do for a living? - So this is a 40, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, a big road like this, you'd think it'd be a 60.
In which case, I'd be going too slow, you know? Then you'd have to pull me over for impeding traffic.
All right, sir, it's up to you, which ticket would you prefer? Uh, speeding will be fine.
All right, excuse me, Officer? Yes? Sergeant Robert Barone, NYPD, 2-4 Precinct.
Oh, you're NYPD? Yeah, this here's my kid brother Raymond.
I was dozing off so I didn't notice he had such a lead foot.
But I'm gonna keep a closer eye on him from here on out, okay? Look, with all due respect, we're pretty strict here with our laws.
So I've got to write the ticket.
But I carry a shield.
Then you should know better, Officer.
Hey listen, I don't know how you do things out here in the sticks, okay? But in the city, cops look out for one another.
I'm glad we had this conversation.
It gave me a chance to notice your brother's inspection sticker.
Now I might just be a country bumpkin, don't know much about all that book learning and fancy numbers, but near as I can figure, this looks like it's expired.
I'll be right back with another little present for y'all.
Come on! We're the good guys.
We're brothers in blue.
This is Ray Barone from "New York Newsday.
" Come on! It's gonna be Do they know who we are? Let me see what I can do.
- Hi, I'm Art Shamsky.
- Hey! No cuts.
& Meet the Mets & & Meet the Mets & & Step right up & & And greet the Mets & & Bring your kiddies & & Bring your wife & & Guaranteed to have the time of your life & & Because the Mets are really sockin' that ball & & Knocking those home runs over the wall & & East side, West side & & Everybody's coming round & & To meet and greet the New York Mets & & Of New York town.
& - & War & - & Huh & & Good God, y'all & & What is it good for? & & Absolutely nothing & & Say it again, y'all & - & War & - & Huh & - & Hee-haw & - & Good God, y'all & & What is it good for? & & Absolutely nothing & & Say it again.
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