Everybody Loves Raymond s04e09 Episode Script

No Thanks

Hey, what do you think I should make for Thanksgiving? What? What are you what do you mean? My mom's making Thanksgiving, right? Isn't she? She always makes Thanksgiving, right? What, you wanna should we call her? - Maybe we should we clear this up? - Calm down, Ray! Your mommy's making Thanksgiving.
She just asked me to bring something.
Oh, all right.
That's a good idea.
You could bring rolls.
Or folding chairs.
- Things you bring.
- Mommy.
What is it, sweetie? - The boys are bothering me.
- What are they doing? They're gobbling.
I told them to stop, but they keep doing it.
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble See?! gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble They're probably doing it because it makes you mad.
If you pretend it doesn't bother you, they'll stop.
gobble gobble gobble - I don't know.
You know what you should do? You should gobble, too.
Then they'll get bored, and they'll leave you alone.
Why, what do you got, Ray? gobble gobble gobble Hey, you two quit gobbling, you hear me? Or you will never see ice cream again for the rest of your life! - There you go.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Daddy loves you.
Oh, did you do that yourself? They're coming! That's so funny.
Okay okay.
I got one for you.
All right, there's this old man, right? He's sitting on this park bench and he's crying uncontrollably, right? This guy walks up, he says, "Hey, old man, what seems to be the problem?" And the guy says, "I just married a beautiful 25-year-old woman," right? "Every evening she cooks me this great gourmet meal, then we have a wonderful night of passion, and we fall asleep in each other's arms," right? So the guy says, "Well, then why are you crying?" And the old man So he okay okay.
So the old man says Come on, spit it out.
The old man says Come on.
The old man says The old man says, "I forgot where I live!" Right? Forgot where he lives.
That's a good one.
I love an old man joke.
I married one.
Another good one! Everyone have wine? Yeah, okay.
Thank you, Amy.
Thank you, Marie.
This was a terrific Thanksgiving.
I just love it.
You know, there's that real family feeling, you know? I love Thanksgiving.
I wish every day could be like this.
Yeah, me too.
I love turkey.
Well, it doesn't have to end on Thanksgiving.
I mean, this Sunday is my turkey tortellini day, and I'm gonna teach Amy how to make it.
So we can have another family feast.
All right, I'm wearing my stretchy pants to that one.
Sunday would be great.
Hey, Deb you should cook with me and Marie Sunday morning.
Gosh, really? Sunday I really have my hands full.
That's bath day, you know? - The twins and Ray.
- Well, you can count us in - for the eating of the meal.
- Yeah.
No way.
Your girl doesn't cook, you're out.
Oh, stop it, Frank.
The dinner's for everyone.
Yeah, and I'll try to come up with another joke.
I got it.
Well, I'd better get started with these dishes.
No no, you relax, Marie.
Yeah, Ma, relax.
- Ray! - Oh.
That went pretty good, huh? I could kill Amy.
Cooking with Marie.
Well, she's drunk.
Anyway, you were the one who went on and on about how nice it was - to be with everybody.
- Yeah, today was nice, but I can't be in the kitchen with your mother.
That's the belly of the beast.
- Debra.
- Ah! Hey, hi.
Those shoes are quiet, huh? Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left.
I like them.
The burnt part gave them some flavor.
Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey.
- I know how to do those.
- Well, cleaning is cleaning.
You'd think so.
All right.
There it is.
The raising of the pan.
Thanksgiving is officially over.
And always with that little smile.
- She's so good at that.
- Yeah.
That was like a drive-by.
I should just tell her to - You know what you could do.
- What? Gobble.
Yeah, if you gobble, then she'll get bored, and she'll just leave you alone.
Oh, Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care.
Gobble gobble gobble gobble.
You know what? You might be right.
What? Everything I told Ally about pretending it doesn't bother her, why haven't I tried that with your mother? Because that's how you deal with children.
Yeah, okay but normal children.
This one's big and a little off her nut.
No no.
Every time Marie says something mean or insulting, I get mad.
Maybe that's why she keeps doing it.
I should just change the way I react to her.
God, that's in every book.
There's nothing wrong with how you react.
Ray, I wanted to hit her with a frying pan.
Get in line.
Your father's on the couch.
And he thinks from a lying down position he can eat more mashed potatoes.
- Hey hey, Marie.
- Yeah.
I would love to cook with you guys on Sunday.
Really? Belly of the beast.
And you know what? Ray's gonna be at the auto show, so we could do it at my house.
We can hang out there all day.
It'll be fun.
Are you all right, dear? Yeah, I'm just super excited about Sunday.
Okay, wonderful.
This should be educational for you.
That's a good one.
What are you doing? A whole day cooking with my mother.
Hey, look, unless I make an effort to change my behavior, I can't expect your family to change theirs.
And you could try this too, you know? Why? I'm used to them.
It's like getting into a hot bath.
At first it's so hot that you don't think you can take it, but then, you know, once you get your luggage in, it's not that bad.
You did a wonderful job of kneading, Amy.
I needed to hear that.
Okay, next we're going to roll the dough.
Now it can't be too thick or too thin.
It's not easy.
It needs a light touch.
Shall we let Amy continue? Yeah, go ahead, Amy.
I mean, she's already on a roll.
Okay, yes, all right.
So that's good.
See? Back and forth.
Just like ironing.
I know.
It's true.
I can't iron.
Well, where were we? Okay okay.
Amy, you continue doing that, and I'm gonna need some help with the sauce.
How does stirring sound to you? Whatever you say, Marie.
You're the master.
What? You're the master.
I mean, I'm just happy to be here.
You're a brilliant cook.
Thank you.
Those are such lovely earrings.
Oh, thank you, Marie.
You always have such nice taste.
Are you all right, dear? Yes, I've just never seen such lovely earrings.
- Oh, yeah, you like those? - Yeah.
- Mommy, the boys keep blocking the TV.
- Yeah, honey.
Well, remember what we talked about? Pretend it doesn't bother you and see what happens.
When's Daddy coming home? Just try it.
Trust me it works.
Did you want to say something, Marie? I don't want to butt in, dear.
No, you go ahead.
Well, your advice I'm not saying it was wrong, dear, but well, it's not right.
No? No, see, I've been mothering for 40 years.
And I just think that if Ally pretends it's fine, then the twins are going to behave worse than you already let them.
I never thought of it that way.
You're right.
God, you know, it's just sometimes I am so scattered.
You know? Gobble gobble! Hey.
There they are.
So how was the car thing? It was great Ferraris, Lamborghinis.
Yeah, Dad was told to stop touching some of the finest automobiles in the world.
Okay, dinner's almost ready.
Appetizers first.
Gentlemen, - if you'll follow me into the lounge - Ahh.
- And, Marie.
- Yeah.
I'll keep an eye on that sauce.
Ooh, okay, dear.
- Bad day? - Yep.
Didn't you even enjoy the cars? I would have if I could have backed one over those two idiots.
They had a field day.
They made fun of my corduroy pants.
"Svee svee svee svee.
" And some woman spilled soda on me, and they're laughing.
It was like they were at Disneyland.
How was your day? You can't even imagine.
I imagine name-calling and someone throwing a shoe.
It was fantastic.
Your mother did start out with her usual little remarks, but I just let it roll right off of me.
I laughed.
I joked.
I did it.
Yeah, well, I tried it, too, and it didn't work.
How long did you try it for? None of your business, all right? - It doesn't work.
- It does work.
It's all about attitude.
You didn't change your attitude, you had a bad day.
I changed my attitude and voila.
Don't say viola.
You're just mad because I found out a way to get along with your family, and you never have.
Well, you think you figured them out? You can't change them, you dizzy broad.
Debra, I knew it.
Your canapés are a big hit! I'll be right in.
My canapés are a big hit.
Yeah, are you sure she said "hit?" - Shall we? - Yeah yeah, but I'll tell ya, if I hear one more thing from them, I'm gonna go Batman on their ass.
Or or - maybe you could just try - Yeah yeah.
- Can I sit here, Marie? - Oh, come on, honey.
So, boys, what was your favorite part of the auto show? Ray taking a Coke in the lap.
All right, Frank, leave him alone.
Yeah, you weren't with the sourpuss all day.
My day wasn't so easy, either.
What? Nothing.
You had a nice time today, didn't you, Marie? Oh, of course.
What, Marie? Nothing.
It's just that sometimes if you have to spend an entire day with a person, that you need to make an effort.
It was an effort to be with me today? No, I didn't say that.
This was a very pleasant day.
Yes, because I made an effort.
I was nice.
It was me.
Okay, dear.
- I don't know what she's talking - No no no no.
No no no.
No no no, wait.
L you Amy, you were there.
You saw us.
Who was nice? I thought you were both nice.
You're both very nice people.
Wine anyone? Marie, you were criticizing me, asking me if I knew how to stir, explaining a rolling pin to me.
No, I was just offering you useful advice like I always do.
- "Advice.
" - Of course.
It's one of the joys of my life.
But today for some reason, you seemed to take it so badly.
What?! Excuse me one second.
Hold on.
Can you pass the canapés, please? Badly? I was laughing.
I was making jokes about myself.
I know, and to be honest, I found that terribly sarcastic.
What do you mean, sarcastic? Well, it means a sort of phony facade.
I think I know what sarcastic means.
Scooch over a little, will ya? If you didn't want to spend the day with me, Debra, I think at least you should have been honest about it.
I was being nice! I was trying to be nice.
That was nice in there.
Today was nice.
And I was nice, damn it! See, now you're getting a bit emotional.
Gee, I wonder why.
Ah, back to sarcastic.
If you didn't think I was being nice, then why were you nice back to me? Well, when in Rome How could you? You are a A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Ha ha! And one of them has a parrot.
And he says to Aw.
Can I have some wine, Amy? No.
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Answer me this.
Ray, Robert.
Listen, I know you weren't there today.
But wouldn't you agree that sometimes, and I'm not saying all the time, but sometimes Marie can be critical of me? Frank? Come on! Ray.
I told you not to do this.
- Ray, look at me.
- No.
- Look at me.
- No.
- Look at me! - No! All right, Deb, we're gonna, all right.
We've had in the past, we've had our share of tiffs but I truly believe it's because you misunderstand me.
I am not interested in a relationship of artificial pleasantries and phony smiles.
You never ever have to pretend with me.
I'm always honest with you, aren't I? And if I see something that you desperately need help with, like cooking cleaning the children your hair, I care so much that I have to say something 'cause I want to help.
Oh, honey.
You don't have to be worried, dear.
I forgive you for today.
And I'm always here to help.
Ladies, whatever you went through today was worth it.
An excellent meal.
I give it two buttons and a zip.
What kind of ice cream you got there, Ray? Chocolate swirly.
What's that? I can't hear you over your pants.
Yeah, Noisy Pants.
These aren't the same pants.
I changed them before dinner.
Then you better see a doctor.
Noisy luggage.
Ha ha! Very funny.
Very funny.
Sounds to me like nobody wants any ice cream.
I'm sorry, too.
See that? That is how it's done.
It's not funny!
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