Everybody Loves Raymond s04e15 Episode Script

Robert's Rodeo

All right, see you later.
Okay, have fun driving your little scooters.
They're not scooters, okay? They're professional go-carts.
You know.
You know they're go-carts.
Look, don't get mad at me.
Andy's the one who wants to go.
He's all excited about it.
- I don't want to go.
- Ray? I heard you making "vroom-vroom" noises in the bathroom.
What are you listening to me in there for? Read a book.
Hey, good news, Raymond.
They had the meat lover's pizza special today.
You order one meat lover's, you get another free meat lover's.
After breaking up with Amy, I know you swore off women, but I don't think turning to meat is the answer.
Ha ha, very funny, that's a good one.
I got side salads, and wings too, all for the big game, huh, Ray? So fire up the satellite, because the food's gonna be here any minute.
Oh, man, Robert, I completely forgot about this.
Me and Andy, we gotta go to work.
What, on a Saturday? Yeah, Saturday! Tell me about it.
We lost our columns in the computer.
Apparently, some janitor, he spilled coffee on the motherboard.
All right, okay, well, maybe we'll do it next week.
Definitely, next week.
Don't even try to get out of it.
We're doing this next week.
You mind if I use the phone? No no, go ahead.
Why can't Robert go with you?! Yeah, right.
Why don't I bring you too? - What are you doing? - That book is boring.
You should read more often.
- Ray! Hey, Ray? - Oh, no.
You upstairs? Yeah, but we're reading.
Ray! Dad! Let's go, your brother's in the hospital.
- What happened? - I don't know, he's in the hospital, - Queens hospital.
- But why? He was on duty, he got hurt, that's all they would tell me.
- Let's go! - Oh my God.
Scarpulla is coming over, she'll watch the kids.
I'll meet you at the car.
Oh my God, Robert.
- Robert? - Oh, my baby! - Oh, Robby! - Hi, Ma.
- How are you doing, son? - Are you okay? You look okay.
- Yeah, I'll be fine.
- Oh, Robert.
- Debra, be careful.
- You okay? I didn't mean to hurt you.
No no, I'm okay.
Hugging is fine.
Oh, good.
Oh! - Ow! - Ooh, I'm sorry.
- What happened, were you shot? - No.
- Switchblade? - No.
Who did this? Tell me who did this to you.
- What are you gonna do, Ma? - You'd be surprised.
All right, back it up.
Let's back up a little.
Some guys were running a rodeo, and we got the call to shut them down.
Wait a minute, rodeo? What is that, police talk for whorehouse? No, it was a real rodeo.
A rootin'- tootin' rodeo.
- In New York? - In Queens.
It was an illegal rodeo.
These guys set them up in parking lots, with animals, rides, music.
This city's got everything! So we roll in and everyone scatters.
We're running after them and then we realize some of the animals were heading down Queens Boulevard.
So I took off after the horses.
You always wanted a pony.
All right, Ma, nobody cares about that.
- What happened to you? - Well, the horses were too fast, so I gave up.
Then I hear "buh-boom, buh-boom.
" I look over, and there he is.
- Who? - A bull.
- A bull?! - Yep, I big old bull.
He was tied to a telephone pole, but he broke loose.
Then he started heading right for Judy.
- Oh my God! - What happened? Well, I yelled, "Hey hey, bull!" I don't know.
I guess I distracted him because he stopped cold and then he turned and then he started coming for me.
- Oh, no! - Oh, yeah.
It was like that Wall Street ad.
- Or that malt liquor commercial.
- Yeah.
So he's coming towards me, and Did you get away? Where are we, Ma? - Oh my God! - Shh.
I'm telling you, the ground, it shook.
Why didn't you run? I did run, Dad.
I don't know if you've ever been in this situation before, but the first thing that comes to mind is run! So I'm running and running, and he's getting closer and closer, and then his horn gets me and my feet are off the ground, like I'm flying.
Incredible painful flying.
Then he tosses me aside like a sock, and I'm on the pavement, and he gives me a couple of snorts and lumbers up the ramp and into his trailer.
Unbelievable! You were gored! By a freakin' bull! Holy crap! Where did he get you? In my adductor magnus.
Your what? It's my upper thigh area.
Sounds like he got you in the ass.
I'm not I'm not laughing.
It's horrible, it's horrible.
I'm not laughing.
It's upper thigh.
Oh, I hate all this police business.
I always knew I'd get this call.
Really? The your-son-has-been-gored- in-the-ass-by-a-bull call? It's upper thigh! Your job is so dangerous.
They should have prepared you better.
Yeah, they should have started you out as one of those clowns in the barrel.
You know what? Enough already! This is a serious injury, and I don't see you taking a bull for your partner.
Officer Barone, I just need to check your I.
What what what? Do you realize, in a group that includes your father, you're being the most insensitive? Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with Dad, he must be tired.
Come on.
He's okay! Laughter is the best medicine, right? I'm keeping it loose, I'm keeping it light.
How about keeping it shut? See? You're funny.
You should get in there with me.
If you're going to sustain a puncture wound, the best place is actually a fleshy area, like the rump.
You know, I'm getting a little tired.
I really think that's enough visiting for today.
All right.
You rest, sweetheart.
Okay, see you tomorrow.
All right there, son.
Take it easy.
Good job.
- Ow ow ow.
- Don't try and move so much.
I'll be back a little later, Robert.
This will teach you to pick up an extra shift, huh? Yeah, really.
I'll see you guys, huh? Wait a minute, what do you mean, extra shift? He said you had to work, so he came in early.
See ya.
We'll see you, Robert.
You feel better, okay? Okay, thanks, Deb.
Yeah yeah.
Feel better, all right, Robert? Oh my God.
- What's the matter? - It's all my fault.
It's my fault! Stupid go-carts.
For the rest of my life, I'm gonna have Robert's ass hanging over my head.
Let's get back to bed now.
Ow ow ow ow ow! I'm hating this.
I'm hating this! Hey, Robert! - How are you doing? - I'm doing great, Raymond.
I was just showing her a magic trick.
Well, you look great.
And hey, guess what.
From your past, a special special lady.
- Oh God! - Come on.
- Hi, Robert.
- Amy hi.
You know what? I'm gonna get you a bigger seepage pad.
Thank you! Robert, I heard about what happened.
Yeah, it's nice to see you again, Amy.
You too.
I'll be back later.
Don't forget to fill out your menu.
Remember, you're on a soft diet.
Correct me if I'm wrong, sounds to me like someone can have all the soup he wants, huh? There's nothing in the world like soup.
Well, stew, stew is like soup.
So, you're looking well.
I read about you in the paper.
You're famous.
Look at this, Amy.
The animal rights people sent Robert a thank you for the humane way that he stopped the bull.
All right, Raymond.
Look, Amy, it was nice of you to stop by.
Oh, okay.
I guess you should get your rest.
Get better, all right? That's what I'm here for.
That was great, seeing Amy again, eh? Yeah, once we stopped dating, I was worried I wouldn't get to be humiliated in front of her anymore.
So I heard you're packing up, going home soon.
That's good.
- I'm not going home.
- What do you mean? Why not? I can barely hobble, Ray.
I can't take care of myself.
I have to move in with Mom and Dad tomorrow.
Oh God.
That's right.
Eh, come on, cheer up.
Come on, cheer up! Cheer up, or I'm gonna get you.
All right, look, I gotta tell you something.
When you took the extra shift because I didn't watch the ballgame with you I know that you thought I had to go to work, but see, I kind of forgot that we had plans, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so I told you I had to work, but really, I went with Andy to drive go-carts.
Why are you telling me this? What do you mean? I feel bad, I wanted you to know.
- You want me to know that? - Yeah.
Yeah, and to give you this "Get Well Soon" card.
See? The monkey slipped on the banana.
I got it 'cause looks like he hurt his upper thigh.
So you want to make me feel better? Of course I do.
What do you think? I think you wanna make you feel better.
- What? - All this, Ray, your little telethon here, the balloons and the guest stars.
This is because you feel guilty.
And then by telling me that you dumped me so you could sit in a bumper car with Andy how is that supposed to make me feel better? Go-cart.
Well, as long as you feel better.
Good night, Raymond.
- All right, listen - I said good night.
I don't I don't feel Come on, Robert.
Robert, come on.
Robert, you can't do this here.
You're gonna end up in the basement with a tag on your toe.
I'm telling you, I did what you said! I went over there, I gave him compassion, told him how I felt made it worse.
Nice going! How exactly did you show your compassion? With balloons! Did you tell him that you care about him? It said it on the balloon "You're number one!" Why don't you try actually telling him that you care about him? All right, look, don't get all girlie on me, okay? He's my brother.
- He doesn't know you care about him.
- He knows! - He knows I would do anything for him.
- And he knows because you dumped him for Andy, because you told him you dumped him for Andy, or because you feel bad that he's mad at you for telling him that you dumped him for Andy? First of all, nobody likes a mock multiple choice.
And therefore, there will be no second-of-all.
Hey, Robert.
You busy? What do you want? Eh, just to hang out.
Ah, my old room.
I'm glad someone else can enjoy it.
You got the stereo, VCR.
You've got a nice setup here.
Hey, walkie-talkie.
What's the ETA on that apple juice? Apple juice coming up! Hey, Robert, I got all the papers you've been in - in the last few days.
- I've seen them.
Here's my favorite.
"Runaway Bull: Cop Gets Horny.
" I think it's clever.
That's just the headlines.
Nobody reads that, really.
Here's your apple juice, dear.
I'm going to the store to get you some more Yodels.
Do you want anything else, dear? My dignity.
Listen, uh I just want you to know that I'm sorry about what happened to you.
And, you know you're my brother, and I really care about you.
Who told you to say that, Debra? No.
What do you mean? Of course not! Just I'm telling you how I feel about you What you say doesn't matter, Raymond, okay? Just go.
- Come on, Robert - Ma! What are you gonna do? Get her to throw me out? I just need her.
Ma, do you copy? She went to get your stinking Yodels.
Come on, what do you want? What is it? I'll do whatever you want.
It's 3:00, I need my bandage changed.
Ma! Come in, Ma! Relax, Raymond.
I can do it myself.
It's bothering me.
Listen, I'll do whatever else you want.
I'm just not good with the body in general.
I prefer it to remain a wondrous mystery.
I'm not asking you to, Raymond.
Mom's gonna be back real soon.
Aw, forget it.
All right, come on.
- Let's move you over.
- What are you doing? - I said you didn't have to.
- I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I wanna do it.
How do you do it? - You're gonna change my bandage? - That's right.
It's the upper thigh, right? Okay, the fresh ones are over there.
I guess this is my payback for not changing enough diapers.
Are you gonna do it or not? Yeah yeah.
What do I do? Just lift up the plastic and take the old bandage off.
This is kind of like Christmas morning if I was really bad.
What's the matter? Nothing, it's - it's just - Big bull.
What do I do now? Just put on the new bandage and just pull the plastic over.
All right.
I don't know, I hope I'm doing this right.
- You're doing good, Raymond.
- Yeah.
You're doing good.
Come on.
Hey, where are my keys? Good Yodel, huh? Yeah, but this one's hard to peel.
Little pieces, man, little pieces.
Coming up on News 2 at 11:00, we have exclusive home video of a police chase.
Only this time the police are being chased, by a bull! You won't believe it! All that and more coming up on News 2.
You looked good.

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