Everybody Loves Raymond s05e06 Episode Script

The Author

Doodie-head! Doodie-head! Hey, no name calling! Guys! Where have you been for the last hour? I told you I was going to the store.
What, they make you lock up? Excuse me? How can I write when this whole place is crawling with doodie-heads? Oh, were they noisy? Gosh, when I'm alone with them, they just sit in the corner and read the Bible.
Listen, come here.
Sit down for one second, please.
Just sit down.
I want to tell you something.
I need help, okay? I'm under the gun here to finish a chapter, so I was wondering if you could kind of pick up the slack here till I'm done.
My whole life is picking up the slack.
I know, I know, I know.
Look, all I need is one day without any distractions.
All right, I'll take the kids for the rest of today.
Are you happy? That's great, that's great, that's great, but you know, today's not really a full day when you consider it's already 2:30.
What do you want, Ray? Well, the publisher wants to see some stuff as soon as possible so the only time I could work on it would be, I don't know, this weekend.
But this weekend is our camping trip with the Parkers.
Oh oh, that's right.
That's right.
You want me to go camping without you with all the kids?! - Are you insane? - All right, it's a little extra slack, - I know.
- Yeah, listen! You waste time for over a year, and then you expect me to suffer so you can finally start getting serious.
Well, hey, you don't think I'm going to suffer? I'm sacrificing the most precious thing of all time with my children, huh? You don't think I've got "Cat's in the Cradle" playing up here? I think you got two monkeys and a yo-yo playing up there.
You just don't want me to be an author, that's what it is.
'Cause there'll be a book tour, then the groupies.
Now there's a sad bunch of women.
Sad but happy, if you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
Come on.
What, do you want me to beg? I'm no good at asking for help.
It's my biggest flaw Don't be mean.
Come on! Feel bad for me.
Help me.
It's my dream to write a book.
All right.
You love my yo-yo monkeys.
Listen, while we're gone, you work.
- Yes.
- Yes? You do not play golf.
You do not watch TV.
Right right.
No fun.
- No, I'm not kidding, Ray.
- I know, no kidding.
No fun, I promise.
- Stop looking at me.
- And you know, - if you break that promise, I'll know.
- I know you'll know.
And then then you'll have to punish me.
- Oh, I'll punish you.
- Oh yeah? Seriously, Ray, I'll hurt you.
Work, Ray! Hey, you guys, go straight upstairs and go right to the bath.
- Don't touch anything.
- Hi, dears.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, welcome back, Debra.
How was your camping vacation? - What's going on? - Ah, camping.
That's great.
Hey, what did you use for toilet paper? Toilet paper.
Then it wasn't really camping.
- I can tell you a story - Okay, that's all right.
Raymond said you weren't getting back until tomorrow.
Yeah, I know, but between the rain and the bugs and the kids going nuts, I decided we had enough vacation.
Is he in the office? Hi.
Oh, you're all muddy.
- What are you doing, Ray? - All right, listen.
- I know what you're thinking.
- Really? Then why aren't you protecting yourself? No no.
Listen listen.
I finished, okay? I ended up working through the night and I finished the first chapter.
And then this morning, I was able to knock off the second, and then I faxed it over to the guy.
He worked very hard so he could get it all done, so he could have some time to relax, like you.
Ray, after everything we'd discussed, how could you go out Yeah, hello? Yeah, this is me.
I got to take this.
- Hello.
- Hi, Robert.
You want some angel food cake and chocolate sauce? Of course.
Listen, I have some news that, uh Hey, how come he got so much chocolate sauce? - You got the same amount.
- No no no.
Look at all that chocolate sauce.
You told me I couldn't have more chocolate sauce, 'cause you didn't have enough, huh? I get two drops and he gets a river.
It's a lake! Look how much he gets.
How do you explain that? What, are you messing with my head? Well, I can't mess with your hair.
All right, listen.
I wanted you guys to know Ray, I just want to understand one thing.
Why is it your mission in life to avoid spending time with your family? That was my agent.
He said the publisher read my stuff and they decided they don't want me to write the book.
Oh, Ray, I'm sorry.
- I I don't understand.
What happened? - I don't know, Ma.
Guess they didn't think it was good.
Were there spelling errors? It's the Yankees.
How can you screw that up? I don't know.
Hey, I'm sorry, Raymond.
Obviously this is a a bad time.
I'm just going to take my cake and go home.
- Did you need something? - Oh, no.
No, it's nothing.
What's the matter, Robbie? No, no.
Really, it can wait.
It's nothing.
What the hell is wrong with you?! I I made Lieutenant! I passed the test.
I'm going to have to wait till somebody retires, - but they're going to promote me.
- Oh! Wow, congratulations, Robert! - That is great.
- Thank you.
Uh, yeah, hey way to go there, son.
That's really up there.
It's very very exciting news, Robbie.
It's very exciting.
My son a lieutenant.
Oh, I am so happy for you.
- This is really great.
- Thank you, Deb.
- Isn't it, Ray? - Yeah, it's great.
I want his chocolate sauce.
You're going straight to bed? You're not gonna watch TV or read or anything? Can't write, why should I read? I mean, what's the point? Really, huh? What is the point? Are you finished? If you're referring to my writing career.
All right, all right.
Look, honey, I know you feel bad and I'm sorry your book's not coming out.
But you got a great job and a family who loves you.
- That's what you always say.
- Oh.
Okay, fine.
That's it.
I'm done.
You just mope away, Mopey.
Hey, look.
You don't understand.
I understand.
I know you want to write a book and you will.
You can dedicate it to your ex-wife who couldn't take your crap any longer.
All right.
That's great.
Great, funny.
Why don't you share a laugh over that with your boyfriend Robert.
Oh, right.
So that's it.
- That's what this is all about.
- No! Did you see him yesterday? Just flaunting his big news right in the middle of my horrible time.
He didn't flaunt it, Ray.
We practically had to - force him to tell us.
- Oh yeah.
Did you force that big, stupid smile on his huge clown face? - You're nuts.
- Yeah, and then then you go shower him with fancy gifts.
It was a sweater, and it's from both of us.
Yeah, well, I hope it's itchy 'cause that's the part from me.
You know Robert never gets anything and the one time that he does, what do you do? You slam the table and you walk out of the room, you big baby.
Yeah, I'm a baby, and you're a baby-marrier.
All right, I slammed the table.
So? All right, here's what's going to happen.
You're going to go over there tomorrow and congratulate Robert on his success.
So at least you can look in the mirror and maybe see an adult.
At least I don't see what Robert sees when he looks in the mirror a stupid giant with a new sweater that looks like yarn vomit.
I can't even write my own talk.
Hey, what are you doing? Hey, I'm watching golf.
Mom and Dad aren't here, and I found Bugles.
- You like that sweater, huh? - Oh, I love it.
Yeah, by the way, thanks a lot, Raymond.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Listen, uh I want to tell you congratulations on your promotion.
That was really something.
Thank you, Raymond.
Thank you very much.
I didn't get a chance to tell you with all the hoopla.
Sure, I understand.
By the way, I'm sorry about your book thing.
- Yeah.
- It's a tough break.
- Yeah.
- Bugle? Yeah, Bugle.
Oh, what a shot.
- I tell you, Garcia's been hot.
- Yeah.
Hey, we should go golfing again soon.
- Sure.
- That was fun the last time.
- What'd you shoot? - 93.
That's right 'cause I think I shot an 83.
I was 10 strokes better than you.
Hey, if you want, the next time we go I can give you some pointers on your putting.
And I can give you some pointers on your drives.
- Then we'll go golfing then.
- Yes, we will.
Five bucks if you make it in, five bucks.
- You're on.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let's make this interesting.
I mean it's for five bucks.
All right.
Five bucks.
All right.
You owe me five bucks.
No no no.
You said, "Five bucks if you make it in.
" Like, whoever makes it in, gets the money.
- That's not what I said.
- No, but that's what it means.
All right, you going to change it now? All right, first one to get it in, makes five bucks.
That's what I thought it was.
Let's go.
Ha-ha! Five bucks, sucker! No no no! That's cheating! You cheated! - You've got to throw one at a time! - That was never established.
- That's cheating! - You owe me five bucks! Okay, you know what? We're even, all right! 'Cause you owe me five bucks from before when you missed it.
- So we're all even.
- No no, you know what? We're not.
You're right.
I lost both times.
Here's 10 bucks.
It's not right that you lose everything this week.
- There it is! I knew it! - What? What? You've been rubbing it in my face this whole time! Yeah, like you haven't been doing that to me for the past 40 years.
Oh, how long are you going to sing that song, huh?! You've been acting like a jerk! Why don't you just admit it?! Oh yeah? I'm a jerk? Who was the one who instead of saying, "Hey, I'm happy for you, brother," threw a hissy fit and stormed out? For your information, if you remember, I said, "Great!" Okay? All right? And if I was upset, I had a reason to, okay? 'Cause you waited until my lifetime dream got crushed before you made your big announcement! Oh yeah? How'd it feel? 'Cause you know what? - I hope it felt really bad.
Yeah, I do! - Oh, you do, huh? You do? I hope it felt the same way you make me feel every time you prance over to Mom and Dad's to tell them about one of your great accomplishments! If I do that, it's because up until now, nobody else had accomplishments! Well now someone does! And that's got to be killing you, huh, Ray? Shut up! You know, 'cause I was thinking, Ray, that a lot of books get published that suck.
So for your book not to get published woo, that's got to be off-the-charts suck.
You ripped my sweater.
By the way, the itchy part is from me.
- You give?! You give?! - No! No! - Do you give?! - No, you give! - Come on, come on! - Let it go! Let it go! Come on, baby! Come on! - Oh God! No! No! - Smell it! Smell it! You smell it! You smell it! Huh?! You smell it now! I don't mind! Smells like victory! Here's your Bugles! Oh my God! What's going on? Stop it! Stop it! - Hey, stop it! - Stop! - No! - Stop it! Get off me! Hey, those are my Bugles.
Good thing your mother's here.
Yeah, right.
A whole box of Bugles.
Look at this carpet.
And the lamp! This is why we can't have nice things! Everybody makes a mess, and I have to fix it up! All the time.
Great, all the time.
Oh oh oh! My back! My back! My back! Oh, my neck thing.
You two idiots.
I hope you're happy! I have to eat Funyuns now! Marie, Funyuns! We are like idiots.
We have to stop this.
You know, Debra's right.
This competing it's stupid.
And your feet stink.
- I don't want to compete with you, man.
- No, seriously, your feet, you can't smell that? Why are we like this? Where does this come from? I don't know.
Look at this place.
I just want to say something.
You disappoint me, the both of you.
Sorry, Mom.
- I'm sorry too.
- And you especially, Robbie.
- Me? Why? - Why? Because you should know better! You're the older one.
It's true.
You should set an example.
- What's the score? - It's tied.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode