Everybody Loves Raymond s05e11 Episode Script

Christmas Present

Hey, Deb.
You wrapping Christmas presents? A tie, huh? Ooh, jazzy.
- Yeah, it's for Ray.
- Hey, everybody.
Hey, my brotha! Good to see you, my brotha! All right, come on.
Don't ever do that unless I'm on fire.
Even then, ask first.
So, are we going away on a golf weekend, or what? Yes, we are.
I spoke to my connection in Myrtle Beach, he pulled a couple strings, we're in! This is gonna be beautiful.
I'm gonna buy a new pair of plaid pants.
I just gotta check a couple things out first.
What do you mean? You said we're in.
You haven't asked Debra yet, have you? Not yet, but I'm just I'm laying the foundation, okay? It's a whole process, man.
You gotta make this happen for me, come on.
I need something to look forward to in my soup-for-one life.
I know, it just requires a little finagling, that's all.
Oh God, what are you gonna do? Don't worry your large, rectangular head.
Okay, I gotta go pick up the kids.
Hey, Deb.
You look nice.
Totally gross, I haven't had a chance to shower yet.
Aw, you'd never know it.
Okay, wait.
Wait wait.
What do you want for Christmas? - Honey, I gotta go.
- I just want to know.
What do I get - the world's most beautiful woman? - Oh God.
Well, I don't know what she wants, but I could use a crock pot.
- A crock pot? - Yeah.
- Cause of the melted crayons? - Yeah.
- That was Ally's idea.
- Yeah? She said it was Daddy's.
Well then, she's a little liar, isn't she? Maybe I'll see Myrtle Beach from heaven.
Relax, man.
I'm working on it.
I just got some important information.
What? You suck at finagling? No.
Crock pot.
Rlght, she's gonna let you go on a golf weekend because you're getting her a crock pot.
No, you idiot, I'm not gonna get her a crock pot.
A crock pot just sets the level.
I have to work above that.
I gotta get her something that's gonna turn her all goopy.
And it has to be better than what she's getting me.
Oh, I know what she's getting you.
What? What? Come on, what? It's a Christmas present.
I can't ruin it.
Hey, you want to go to Myrtle Beach or not? I'm finagling here.
You're impeding the finagle.
It's a tie! She's getting you a tie! A tie, oh, that's great.
Yeah, an ugly tie.
Beautiful! That stinks.
Oh, I'll get her something really great.
That'll make her feel like crap.
- Like what? - Anything! What? It's an ugly tie.
I got stuff under the seat of my car that could beat that.
Oh, good work, Robert.
You know, I I feel a little dirty.
I like it.
Guys, take it easy! I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get you! Come on, guys! Take it easy.
Hey! Lay down! See if those new pajamas work.
Oh, look, how lovely.
A sweater.
- Yeah.
- Where did you find it? Macy's.
You can return it if you want.
No no, it's perfect.
Such a pretty color.
Macy's in Massapequa or the city? This one says "For Debra from Ra.
" R-r-r-a Looks like "Rap.
" You think it might be Ray, Dad? No.
Frank, put your glasses on.
You're blind.
And what would be the upside of seeing you more clearly? Oh-ho, look at that, it's the crock pot.
How did you know? A cute little birdie told me.
- But I thought you were - Ba! Ba! And Here we go.
That one is for me? Just a little something else for someone who's - something else.
- Oh, Ray! What'd you do? Oh my gosh! It's all new cookware! Oh, sorry.
Oh, look at this, it's beautiful! I love this, but the crock pot would have been enough.
No, no it wouldn't have.
Oh! Thank you! I love it.
Here's one, "From Debra to Enormo.
" It doesn't say that, Dad.
You knew who I was talking about, didn't you? This must be the Ferrari I asked Santa for.
Oh, this is a mistake, Dad.
This one's for Raymond.
No no, that's for you.
That's for you, Robert.
When you caught me with it the other day, I had to tell you it was for Ray so it would be a surprise.
What? - Yeah.
- What? No, this is what I got for Ray.
You mean I'm not getting that great tie? Nope, this is for you.
Oh, that's big.
That's a big present.
That's not a tie unless it's one of those novelty giant ties.
Here you go.
Merry Christmas.
- Whoa, hey, that's heavy.
- Yeah.
That's heavier than a tie.
Heavier than a crock pot, too.
Come on, open it! Come on! Oh my God.
A DVD player.
What is that? Like a hi-fi? What'd you do? - She got you a DVD player.
- Yes! Isn't that cool? This is the best one they make! - What'd you do that for? - Yeah, what the hell? Oh! Got you some movies too.
Oh, no.
- What? Don't you like it? - No, I love it, it's just it's more than I expected, you know? I would've been happy with the tie.
I knew you would like this.
And I love my pots! I'm gonna try 'em out right now.
Well, I better go help her.
They're not magic pots.
Nice going, Raymond! No golf! I know, instead of playing at Myrtle Beach this spring, I'll just hang myself with the world's tackiest noose.
Hey, look, don't blame me, all right? You're the one who told me she was giving me the tie.
- You gave me faulty information.
- No, she fooled us.
She's too good.
I'm not cut out for this! What did you do? Try to soften her up with a big present so you could go play golf? For your information, Dad, it's a little more complicated than that.
You're an idiot.
Give me that chocolate.
Sit down.
Let me tell you something about women.
You think you've got to butter them up to get what you want.
That is a poor man's game.
Oh, sweetums, here's some flowers.
Can I go to the lodge? Not for me.
Not for me! I don't do that nice crap.
So how do you get what you want? I've learned to do without.
Look, this would've worked if I'd gotten that stupid tie! - You want the tie? I'll take the DVD.
- Put that down! You're not taking the DVD.
Hey! You don't get it, do you? - It's staring you right in the face! - What? You're so worried about your offense, you didn't play defense.
The question isn't "Why didn't she give me that tie?" The question is "Why did she give me that DVD thing?" What are you talking about? I'm her husband, she's my wife.
Don't I deserve a great Amateurs.
Wait a minute.
You're saying Debra got Ray a DVD player because she wants something from him? Of course.
Where you been? Wait, that's so weasily.
That's not her, that's - You.
- Yes.
Okay! Who wants a little hot chocolate? Heated up the milk in my new two-quart saucepan.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Thanks again for these pots, Ray, I really love them.
Oh, I got me a black magic woman.
Thanks for the golf, Raymond.
Will you shut up about the stupid golf? - There's bigger things here.
- Yeah, like what? Like what is she up to? What is she sucking up to me for? Maybe she wants to sleep with the bag boy from the A&P.
I'm serious, Dad.
Have you seen the bag boy? Will you stop? Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
Come on, I gotta think, what does she want? What do women want? I think it's a bag boy.
I'll right.
I'm gonna find out what's up.
I think his name is Larry! - Hey, Deb? - I'm making brownies for later.
- Would you like to lick the beater? - No.
No, Ma.
Why okay.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, Deb, I want to ask you something.
Yeah, whatever you want, honey.
Mmm, chocolate.
- What's with you today? - Nothing.
It's Christmas.
The kids are having fun, I'm having a nice time with your mom, I'm happy.
So what did you want, Ray? - What did I want? - Mm-hmm.
What did I want? I know what he wants! Walnuts in the brownies.
Not now, Mom.
I okay, yeah.
All right, here's what I want.
The guys are thinking of going to Myrtle Beach for a weekend for golf.
And I was thinking I wanna go with them.
How's that grab you? For a whole weekend? Yeah a whole matter of fact I think it's a three-day weekend.
So, yeah, I feel like going.
I think I'm gonna go.
All right? Well, that's three days with just me and the kids.
You should go.
All right! What's going on?! What is going on with you? Give me that! What is wrong with you? I want to know, what's going on with the kissing and the marshmallows and the letting me play golf and the big, expensive DVD player.
Is that what this is? You're worried about how much it cost? Yes.
What is the cost to me? - What is a DVD player? - Not now, Ma, please.
Is it for pornography? Yes, Marie, I got Ray a porn machine.
I don't like that, Debra.
Look, don't change the subject here.
I don't like being played.
You think I got you that DVD thing because I want something? No, because you love me! Come on! What is it? What do you want? We're waiting.
I don't want anything.
I was trying to get you something I thought might make you happy because, as a matter of fact, I do love you.
And it's Christmas and I wanted to get you a DVD player.
Oh, well thanks, then.
I'm gonna go set it up.
Just a minute.
Did you get me those pots so I would let you play golf? Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Come on! What? Where's this coming from? Unbelievable.
Oh, that's terrible, Raymond! - You tried to bribe me! - No, it's not bribing.
It's just it's getting you something nice so you would give me something nice, huh? I got you this engagement ring so you would marry me.
Yeah, I fell for that one too.
We should keep our voices down.
You know, Marie, would you mind? - But I'm baking.
- I'm trying to talk to my husband.
Fine, Debra.
So what, Ray? Is this what you always do? Have you ever gotten me a present without expecting something in return? - Yes, plenty of times.
- Yeah, it's just like the kissing.
You only kiss me 'cause you think it's gonna lead to sex.
Baby, that is not true.
You know, the worst part isn't that you're a manipulative jerk, it's that you think I'm like you! No, I don't think you're manipulative.
I think you're pretty.
Come on! Those could've had walnuts in 'em! Look, if it's gonna be a problem, - I don't have to golf.
- Is that all you care about? No, I that's just it.
I don't care! I don't care! All right? I don't care at all.
It's just it's just Robert might hang himself.
You know what? Oh, I don't care.
I said you could play golf, just go play golf.
All right.
Well, thank you.
- Whatever.
- Listen if there's something fun that you want to do, you should do it.
- Yep, all right.
- No, come on.
You deserve to have fun too.
Yeah, okay.
When the kids go to college, I'll see a movie.
You don't have to wait.
You want to go to the movies? Go.
Go today if you want.
Yeah, I'm gonna go on Christmas.
Jewish people do.
All right then, you go this weekend.
Yeah, like that'll happen.
I'm saying it'll happen.
Go to the movies! Come on.
I'll take care of the kids, I'll take care of everything.
Come on, it'll make me feel better.
I don't want to get a DVD player and golf and niceness and you get pots.
- Come on, go to the movies.
- Thanks anyway, honey.
Come on, it's like you don't even want to go to the movies.
It's okay.
Wait a minute.
You want to not go to the movies.
- What? - Yeah, that's right.
Because then if you go to the movies, you don't get to say "I never get to go to the movies.
" - When do I say that? - You say that all the time.
"I never get to do anything.
" You love that.
You're like one of those what do you call them? - A martyr? - Yes! I'm not a martyr.
Then how come I don't help out around here? How come you don't help out around here?! Because you don't want me to! 'Cause you want to do it all because then you can feel superior! You You stammer because you know I speak true.
Do you know how close you are to the end of your life? I'm not scared.
I'm not scared because I'm onto something here.
Hmm? Like the DVD player.
Why? Why? Why, after years of complaining that all I do is lay around and watch television would you buy me a device that is designed to make the television watching experience even better? We must ask ourselves why? You're right.
Why the hell would I buy you a DVD player? - You have problems.
- I do! - What is wrong with me? - I do not know.
I should make you help me out more around here.
Well, it's not like I have nothing to do.
No, really, you know? I work too hard.
I don't need to be a martyr.
I don't think you want to give it up cold turkey.
You know what? I've been up since 5:00.
I'm gonna go take a nap.
Okay, but what about the Christmas dinner? Your mom can make it.
She wants to anyway.
Listen, would you mind straightening up the living room? And make sure the kids get washed and dressed, okay? Thanks, that'd help me a lot.
I'll do all those things, but then I get to golf, right? - No, I don't think so.
- Yeah, but I mean, how could I not think of myself as a martyr if I'm stuck at home with the kids while you're golfing with your buddies? Yeah, about martyrs, a lot of them became saints.
No, you're right.
And thank you, 'cause you really helped me.
This is a great Christmas.
But look.
That's not really what I was talking about.
What are you doing there? Dusting.
- Marie, come here.
- What? What is it? - Here.
- For me? Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Frank, you already gave me lottery tickets.
Those were a bust.
Just open it.
Oh, Frank, earrings.
They're beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, listen, just one thing.
You didn't get those from me.

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