Everybody Loves Raymond s05e24 Episode Script

Frank Paints the House

- What are you doing? - Getting the kids ready for school.
What are you talking about? It's Saturday.
Oh my God.
It is Saturday because yesterday was Friday.
Very good.
You don't know the days.
Ooh, an extra hour of sleep.
Minus five minutes of heaven.
Honey, come on.
The kids, the kids.
- Ah, no no.
- The kids.
No, come on.
It's Saturday.
They're downstairs watching cartoons.
- But what if they come up.
- No no, they're in the zone, okay? We're safe as long as there's electricity.
What, is that it? Are we done? Something hit the wall.
- Jeez, you scared the crap out of me! - What the what the hell are you doing?! I'm painting your house.
What's it look like? Looks like we have the world's ugliest shutters.
Frank, we were going to hire painters to do that.
So, you can thank me later.
I like fine chocolates.
Dad, please, get down from there, okay? We're we're trying to sleep here.
Oh, sure, yeah.
I got you.
A little Saturday morning wake me up? Just close the window.
I won't listen.
You know, I'm not worried about the listening.
It's the heckling.
- Get your father off that ladder.
- Ah, okay.
Well, look who finally decided to get out of bed? - Ma! - It's 7:30, Marie.
Well, Debra, I was coming over here with french toast for Frank, and then I noticed that your children were starving.
Yay! French toast! Ma, why is Dad painting the house? Oh, that's my gift to you.
What?! You two always talk about having your house painted so, I put your father on the job.
But, Marie, we were going to hire professionals.
Oh, but Frank is very good.
He did a nice job on our house and he likes the fumes.
Well, yes, he did do a nice job on your house and I would hate to kill anyone's buzz, but Yeah, but we were kind of thinking that we would be the ones to make that decision, 'cause it is kind of our house.
Yes, but we're the ones who have to look at it.
All right, I'm going to use this french toast to lure him off the ladder.
Okay okay okay.
Just let your father do this.
I need him out of my house.
Ever since he's retired, he's around all the time.
Yeah, but that's what happens when you retire.
I know, but I never thought he'd live this long.
Come on, Ma, look.
That's not our problem, all right? You've had 40 years to poison him.
Raymond, please I need space.
I need a little time to myself.
I don't want him around when I'm trying to do things.
- Do what things? - When I'm trying to improve myself.
This doesn't just happen.
I practice my languages, I have my opera, and I'm starting yoga.
You What? Is that so strange? - Yes.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? - Painting your house.
Oh, come on! You too? Ma said we had to.
So, you do everything Ma tells you? It's a little late for rebellion, Raymond.
Come on, look.
I don't need both you guys hanging off my house, okay? So go back in your truck, ring a bell and sell some fudge pops.
All right, wait.
Wait wait wait wait a minute, Ray.
You know, that was very sweet of you to help.
Thanks a lot, Robert.
- Wha now you want him to? - Well, I mean, Robert's offered, your dad's already started scraping, so I say fine.
- Well, come on, you don't want them - Hey hey hey, I've been asking you to get on this for months.
All right, fine, go! You want to paint the house? Go.
Paint the house.
You know what? Maybe all three of you can paint it together? - Wouldn't that be nice? - No.
No, look, it's Saturday, and I got a lot of Saturday things planned, okay? Hey, Bugs Bunny! Hey! Oh, what is this? Duck season/rabbit season? Oh, look out, look out.
Raymond? - Raymond? - What? So you're fine with them painting your house? It's Saturday.
All right! Sorry, kids.
Guess Daddy isn't going to be able to spend any more quality time with you.
Hey, what do you got? They're finally making Popsicles in your size? Would you stop? I can't take the old man anymore.
He's driving me nuts.
Ordering me around like a monkey.
Calling me every name in the book Nancy, powder puff, princess monkey.
So? I'm getting dopey, idiot, moron.
At least yours make sense.
- Well, best of luck.
- Oh no.
No no no! Come on, you're not leaving me here with him! You knew what it was going to be like working with Dad.
I had him too, Raymond.
He was up on the ladder.
Would have looked like an accident.
Hey! What's with all this standing around?! You two working for the government?! No! Well, I hate to break up this meeting of the Camp Fire Girls, but let's get to work! Chop! Chop! - We're working, Dad.
- Oh yeah? Are you finished caulking, Lady Chatterley? That is a good one.
Why aren't you done caulking?! There's a wasps' nest by the down spout.
So, you take a stick and knock it down.
They're wasps.
They don't like that.
Oh, well here's what you do if they come at you, you pull your skirt over your head and run.
All right.
Hey, Dad.
He doesn't have to caulk by the down spout.
It's not that important.
It's important if I say it's important.
Okay, but this is my house.
This is my job! People see me working out here.
They're going to know that Frank Barone did this job, so it's going to get done right! Why are you still here? I I don't think Hey, hey, it's just a couple of bugs.
Knock it down with something A stick, a broom! Your pinky! I don't care! Get up there and knock out that nest! All right! And what about you? Are you going to scrape that paint or do a dance? I'm scraping.
Whoa, wait a minute, Dad.
You got the wrong color.
Debra wanted white.
This is close.
It's not close, it's yellow.
She wants white.
She said Chantilly Lace.
Well this is Lemon Meringue.
Well, why did you get yellow? Because yellow is better.
Yeah, but Debra likes white.
Well I don't care what Debra likes, and I don't care what you like! It's yellow, okay?! And we're doing it yellow! Ah! Hose! Get the hose! Big baby.
Listen, Dad, I got to tell you.
It's not only Debra, okay? I want Chantilly Lace too.
Dad, do you hear what I'm saying?! Don't paint my house yellow.
Dad! Don't you open that paint can! Dad, you're not listening to me.
Dad, don't you stir that paint.
If you stir that paint Okay, you're just going to have to return stirred paint now.
And now that the can's open, you're going to have to pay for it, okay? 'Cause I'm sure as hell not paying for no Lemon Meringue.
You hear me? I'm oh no you don't! Don't you go near that! You hear me, Dad?! Don't you don't you dip that brush! You do not dip that brush.
I'm warning you.
Dad, don't Oh, Dad, if I see paint on that brush, Okay, that's yellow.
That's yellow.
Dad, don't you paint my house yellow! Do you hear me, Dad?! Dad, I'm warning you! - Okay, all right.
That's it.
- Hey! - That's it, go home.
- Excuse me?! Look, if you're not going to do what I want, - then go home.
- You don't tell me what to do.
I do when it's my house! And it's my house and I'm the boss, okay? - So you're fired.
- I'm fired?! Okay, I'm all right now.
Hey, get a load of this, Robert.
Raymond says I'm fired! That's right, you're fired! You fired him? You want to fire me? - You can't fire me! - Look, Dad, I'm not a kid anymore, okay? I don't like the way you treat me and I don't like the way you treat the help either, so that's it.
Fine! Paint your own damn house.
- Wow.
- That's right.
Now I'm in charge of this now.
Okay, and the first thing we're going to do lunch.
- Yeah, but it's only 9:30 - Lunch! Hey, you can't come in like that, you're soaking wet.
Here I thought it'd be so nice, all the Barone men working together.
No one works with Dad, you work for him.
'Cause nobody can do anything right except him.
- Yeah, remember the fort? - That's right.
Robert and I were building a fort in our backyard nothing fancy, just this little fort.
Yeah, just a place we could read our comic books and other periodicals.
Ugh! And we were having fun too, building the fort all by ourselves, right? Till Dad came home and told us we were doing it all wrong.
Didn't show us how to do it right, just called us stupid, stinking humps and did it himself.
That's why when you get mad that I'm not the handiest guy around here, you know, it brings up a lot of stuff.
I'm sorry.
So it has nothing to do with you being lazy and watching TV all the time? That's how I cover the hurt.
- Hi, Marie.
- Hello, dear.
Hiya, Ma.
Ow! - What are you doing?! - This is how you watch out for your father? - What did I do?! - You made him carry ladders around! - He didn't carry ladders.
- Then how did he wrench his back? - What?! He wrenched his back carrying ladders.
Now he's lying on my couch demanding soup.
And don't tell him I told you about this.
He didn't want me to make a big deal out of it.
- So why are you over here? - I don't listen to him.
His back is fine, Ma.
I sent him home.
- I don't understand.
- He was being a big jerk, so I fired him.
What do you mean you fired him? You fired your father? Had to be done, Ma.
How could you do that to him?! What do you mean him? What about what he does to us? We're not talking about that! Oh I so oh God.
All right there's something about your father you don't know.
He wears your things? What is it, Marie? Your father never retired from Pelk Accounting.
What are you talking about? If he's not retired, why does he buy his pants at the pharmacy? He told me he retired, but I found out the truth.
They fired him.
What? - Why? - Why? I have to tell you? Why did you fire him? Your father believes that his way of doing things is the only way.
And after 25 years, it starts to get on people's nerves.
So Frank never told you he was fired? How could he? You don't understand, Debra.
In my generation, the men had their jobs and that's who they were.
Oh, it must have been so humiliating for Frank to have that little Alvin Pelk fire him from his job.
And now you boys just did the same thing to him! It was Raymond.
Hey no.
Come on, look.
This isn't the same thing, okay? This wasn't his career, this was my house.
- What else does he have?! - Your house.
He did that already! Look, Ma, I think you're overreacting, okay? This wasn't that big of deal! It was a big enough deal for him to make up a story to me about hurting his back.
You're his son.
How do you think that made him feel? - I hope you're happy, Raymond.
- Oh shut up! And why should I worry about his feelings? He doesn't care about anybody else's.
You don't think he cares about you? He's your father.
He just isn't good at Living among humans.
You know, I think you're the only one who thinks you're funny.
Amen to that.
- Come on, come on.
Go over there - No no no, Ma.
Look, I'm sorry about his whole life, okay? But he was completely wrong here.
He wanted to paint my house yellow! - Yellow? - Yeah, you believe that? Wow.
Actually, yellow would be kind of nice.
- What? - Well, I like yellow.
Look, you said Chantilly Lace.
I heard you say Chantilly Lace! I fought for your damn Chantilly Lace, and now you're saying yellow?! Who are you?! What? Yellow just never occurred to me.
But, you know, it's actually kind of sunny.
You hear this, okay? This is marriage.
This is what you want? This is what you can't live without? Step aside.
Raymond, go talk to your father.
- No no! - You know, you should.
Oh, excuse me.
Who's speaking? Is that white Debra or yellow Debra? You know, you really should.
I know your father can be a real jerk sometimes.
Right, no one is arguing that.
He's a bully, he's obstinate and he doesn't bathe every day.
But I know that man and I know he needs one thing.
He needs to be needed.
Do with that what you will.
He's your father.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm sorry about before.
Okay, so come back over and we'll do it yellow.
Yellow's okay.
I talked Debra into it.
Okay? No.
What do you mean no? I mean I'm not interested.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Oh right, I see you got soup.
And a puzzle.
Well, it doesn't have to be right now.
Whenever you feel like it.
What, you're eating out of a pot 'cause you don't like to clean a bowl? No, it's better this way.
Hey, that's a keen eye you got there.
"The Death of General Stonewall Jackson".
You like this one? Very interesting figure in history.
Considered the Confederacy's finest general.
Shot by one of his own men.
All right, will you stop? God, I can't believe I invited you back.
I can't believe I apologized to you even.
Well you should apologize to me, I was right! How are you right? How are you right?! It's my house and you wanted to paint it yellow! How is that right? Because yellow covers better! It won't fade as fast! And you got white houses on either side of you! It makes your house pop a little! And it goes with your trim and the frigging little daisies you got! Well, why didn't you just say that? - I shouldn't have to say it! - What? Because if I say it's yellow, that should be good enough for you! I shouldn't have to explain everything! I'm right! Okay, you're right, but it's not always about being right.
Yes, it is! Being right is all that matters.
Everything else is crap! "Oh, you have to consider people's feelings.
" "Oh, what if they don't like you?" They should like me because I did the job right! Yeah, that makes perfect sense if you work in a lighthouse! Exactly.
I'd be fine if it weren't for people! Oh, it's those damn people! Well, you're forgetting one thing me and Robert are people too! So what, are the two of you going to paint the house now by yourselves? Yeah.
If you want me to help you, I'll help you.
But if you're asking for my help, we got to do it my way, because it's the right way.
All right.
- With the yellow.
- I said with the yellow.
And nobody tells me what to do.
I get to be in charge, I get to be the boss, all right? All right, Dad, you're the boss.
- I'm the boss? - Yes.
You're fired.
How come Robert gets to use the power painter? You know, I want to use the power painter too.
Learn how to handle the brush first.
I know how to handle a brush.
Are you questioning me? No.
Sir! Wasp! That's going to need another coat.

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