Everybody Loves Raymond s06e01 Episode Script

ÿþ1 "So the lion got some cream for his chicken pox.
" How many more before Michael? Shh! Quiet! "And his mommy put the cream on, and he felt better.
" The end.
Thank you, Gracie.
That was a wonderful and very imaginative story.
And now we have lan.
Oh, crap.
"Escape from the Blue Planet.
" Finally, science fiction.
"The rocket ship landed on the blue planet that was filled with water.
" You don't think this is nice? You know, they wrote these all by themselves.
No kidding.
"And the rocket got stuck, but the pilot had some extra gas.
" He's not the only one.
"So that is how they were able to escape from the blue planet.
" The end.
Wonderful, lan, and very exciting.
Michael? It's your turn.
Thank God.
We go after this.
"The Angry Family.
" "The daddy was mad at the mommy.
" "The mommy was mad at the daddy.
" "The mommy and daddy were very mad at the grandpa.
" "The grandma got mad at everybody.
" I did not! It's wonderful.
"The grownups were always very loud.
It hurt the kids' ears.
" The end.
- Let's watch TV! - Yeah! Yay! Let's watch TV! Whoo! Well, I can't go there anymore.
The looks I was getting.
.
.
I've never gotten looks like that in my life.
You oughta watch me more.
How could you let Michael write something like that? We didn't know anything about this.
Eileen let the kids write whatever they wanted.
Who's Eileen? The teacher.
I'm not thrilled about this, either, but, you know, kids should be able to express what they're feeling.
What a load of bull.
Here's a perfect example of your liberal, "free to be a bird or bee" college claptrap comin' home to bite your whole family in the ass! Oh? The whole family? The whole family.
.
.
what am I?! I wasn't even mentioned in that book.
What, you're insulted 'cause you weren't insulted? I'm insulted that you have brainwashed your children into thinking the only thing I'm good for is to hold up a piH
ata.
And I don't look like that.
- What? - The kid's illustrations.
People are gonna think I look like that.
Okay, everyone, could we all please just go home? Debra's right.
We gotta talk to Michael.
You gonna punish him? I want input.
All right, come on, come on.
Nobody's punishing anyone.
Of course not.
God forbid someone's feelings should get hurt.
Well, my feelings are hurt.
Mine, too! Nobody cares! I'm writing my own book.
Get out.
That's the title.
- Michael! - What are you gonna do? I wanna talk to him.
Michael, could you come in here, please? - Be careful what you say.
- Don't worry.
He writes it down.
Sweetie, I just want to ask you something.
Do you think that your family is "The Angry Family"? It's okay, honey, you can tell us.
Ray, you wanna.
.
.
Nope.
I loved your story, Michael.
Said Daddy.
Go on, watch TV, honey.
- What is wrong with you? - What? Hey, if you were on top of stuff, you coulda stopped the story from leakin' out.
I am on top of stuff! What do you do, huh? Look, those stories were supposed to be a surprise for the parents.
A surprise for the parents? I think the surprise is, you get to the school and there's an open bar.
No, this was like an ambush.
And you can't even see what the real problem is here, can you? There's an image that Michael has of us.
Come on, we're normal.
Comparatively normal.
- Watch the news.
- Please.
Although I will say, there are times when you seem to yell for no reason, you know? Maybe.
.
.
Maybe that's what he's pickin' up on.
I'm pretty sure that most of the leading characters in that story were from the Barone side.
Yeah, okay, but the loud part, I'm thinkin', is probably you.
So you're blaming me? You're completely free and clear.
I'm sorry, but I am not the yeller.
You are the reason for the yeller! Well, you assume that there must be yelling! - You're damn right there's yell.
.
.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey! - Can I have a juice? - What, honey? - Can I have a juice? - Sure, sweetie.
- Yeah, sure.
- We can do that, right, Mommy? - Thank you, Daddy.
Thank you.
We have problems.
It's all right.
All right? No, it is not all right.
This argument just now is exactly what Michael was referring to.
Well, you don't gotta worry about this one, because that was Geoffrey.
Phone.
Hello? Oh.
.
.
hi, Eileen.
Yeah, hi.
How are ya? Yeah.
Oh, no, that was a great open house, yeah.
Dynamite.
What conference? Oh! Oh.
That's this week, too.
Yeah, right.
With the parents.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I guess we must've forgot about it.
Wasn't like we were trying to run out or anything.
'Cause, uh, we wanna talk to you.
We love you.
All right, okay.
Yeah, sure, we'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Listen, about tomorrow, I got a pretty big day, so.
.
.
- You don't want to finish that.
- All right.
Okay.
And did you have to sound so guilty on the phone? How about you? You ran away like a little girl.
Okay.
.
.
So.
.
.
how are you? Terrific! So.
.
.
That was so, so funny yesterday.
- What was? - Michael's book.
"Angry Family.
" I don't know where he.
.
.
Anyway, um, it's great to be here.
Happy to discuss everything.
I was really impressed with what Michael wrote about in his book, weren't you? Me? Uh, definitely.
Oh, definitely.
Um, but I do think that his book was.
.
.
just a story.
And, yes, obviously all stories do come from somewhere.
Well, not all of 'em.
Hmm? I was just thinkin' somethin'.
.
.
I was just thinkin', some stories come from.
.
.
like-like those shows you go to where they say, "Give us a location!" And then the audience goes, "An elevator!" And then they say, "What language should we do?" or somethin', And you yell, "French!" You know, and then they do a hilarious thing right there.
"Second floor.
.
.
croissants!" You know? Yeah.
They just.
.
.
they make that stuff up right there on the spot.
Yeah.
So that would be one example where some stories do come from.
Is-is that what Michael did? Probably not.
Please stop.
I'm just.
.
.
I'm talkin' to Eileen.
Uh, Eileen, um.
.
.
did Michael say anything to you? I mean, did he say anything specific about home? And remember, children lie.
Ray, we have nothing to hide.
I don't know what he's so afraid of.
I mean, 'cause we're a normal family.
Comparatively.
I mean, watch the news.
That was mine, the normal thing.
She stole that from me.
It is not your thing! We are normal! You know, we do have counselors.
Father Hubley is very good.
No, no, that's the last thing that we need.
Why do you say that? Because then everybody's talkin' about it.
.
.
Look, what are you.
.
.
Why do you have to be so close-minded? - You see, this is the attitude.
- I'm not close-minded.
Uch, what are you doing right now? This is who you are.
Why can't you just talk about things, huh? Talk! You know, I have to say that you're actually exhibiting some of the very traits that seem to jump off the page in Michael's book.
Who? Oh.
.
.
you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
First of all, it's not a book.
It's pieces of construction paper.
- You sound a bit close-minded.
- Hey.
Eileen.
.
.
you have no idea what I have to put up with.
When I got married, I didn't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street.
And that-that would be fine, if they stayed there.
But every day.
.
.
every day.
.
.
they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap.
How would you like to sit through two people in their 60s fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother.
.
.
"I live in an apartment.
I don't even have a lawn.
Raymond has a lawn.
" But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is.
She has this kind of sick hold on the both of them.
And the father's about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped onto this planet.
So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories.
My life is a Gothic novel, and until you have lived in that house, with all of them in there with you day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, wou are in no position to judge me! Where are you in here, Robert? Exactly.
I'll tell you what concerns me.
I wanna know why I was drawn completely without hair.
That is an exaggeration which I do not appreciate.
All right, now, all right, there's no need for tension.
We all have enough tension.
Believe me, this job pounds the life out of you.
Eileen, maybe you'd like to start with.
.
.
No, thank you.
What? Listen, Eileen, again, I am so sorry about getting a little testy with you yesterday.
That's really not like me.
Yeah, yeah, fine, fine.
Adam.
Adam is the school's counselor, and we thought we'd like to have this little talk today to see if maybe we can help you people.
Okay? Go on, Adam.
Sure.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Adam Burke, and I am the school's counselor, but I like to think of myself more as a facilitator.
Oh, Jeez.
So, here's a question.
Do any of you ever feel that the "anger" gets out of control? - No, no way.
- No, I really don't.
- Yes.
- What? Yes, I do feel that the anger sometimes gets out of control.
I feel it whenever I come into the house.
There is a solution.
I don't understand.
I am there in a loving, nurturing capacity, as is my wont.
Well, then, maybe we should ask ourselves, "Where could the anger in this family be coming from?" No, all right.
I am not gonna.
.
.
I do not want to sit here! No, no, no.
Stop, stop.
I'm fine.
My apologies.
Ray, you know what? I don't think people need to hear my side of things again.
Maybe you could say something objective.
Okay.
Uh, all I know is.
.
.
Debra's good.
She's really, really good.
You know, she's got a lot of stuff to do, and.
.
.
that's why.
.
.
if she's all.
.
.
that's why.
Uh, if I may.
.
.
you mentioned, Father Hubley, that I was not included in that book, and that is a very astute observation.
And I do believe that my unique position in this.
.
.
family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodgepodge of life from a rather unique vantage point.
Top of a beanstalk? And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent-up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like you-know-what through a we-know-what.
.
.
that person goes by the name.
.
.
of Raymond.
Ohh, sit down, you dope.
He is and always has been the center.
.
.
the center of attention, the center of affection, he always gets the center chair in the kitchen.
And this anger of which you speak, from the rest of these poor souls, stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end.
.
.
on him.
Aah! What are you doing? What are you doing?! What are you doing? "Center chair.
" It's my kitchen.
Get your own kitchen.
There you go, you see, because I only have a kitchenette, and he loves it! Right, "rub it in" Raymond? No house for me.
No wife, no kids, no lawn, no nothin'! Hey, Father, let me ask you somethin'.
Would you know who invented the lawn? Ohh! Would you stop?! No one "invented" it, it's grass! Oh, yeah? So cavemen had lawns? Yes, they were called "fields," you baboon! You wanna know where all the tension in the family comes from? I'm chained to it.
Here she is.
And if you're lookin' to find out why she's like this, I'm givin' it to you, for once and for all.
You ready? There! Right there! She married him! And this one still can't deal with it! How dare you? - It-it-it's all right, Mrs.
.
.
- You hold on.
You think Michael's book is my fault, don't ya? Don't ya? Huh? If there's ever a problem in the family, it's the mother.
It's always the mother.
Well, you all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
And you, you-you allow that, Father Hubley? Shame on you.
That's right.
You had a mother.
And you allowed all this to happen in your school, in your parish.
This "new psychology".
.
.
that children are always right, they're being rewarded for every little thing they do with the stickers.
I mean, these kids are comin' home full of stickers for doing nothing! "Ooh.
I went to the potty.
" "Here's a sticker.
" In my day, you had to earn a reward, and even then, you didn't get it.
And if there was yelling in the house, you earned that, too.
There was nothing to be ashamed of.
I want to tell you something.
There is nothing wrong with this family.
We're very close, we're very open, we're very loving, 'cause I make sure of it.
But everybody has to make a big deal.
You have to have a meeting, you have to have an inquiry, you have to have a witch hunt.
I think they found one.
Well.
.
.
thank you, everybody.
.
.
for a lovely morning.
Believe it or not, I do understand the pressures and tensions of raising a family in today's world.
But I think this particular family compounds the problem by maybe being a bit too close to each other constantly, like ping-pong balls pounding and hitting off each other.
.
.
in the lottery machine.
Except.
.
.
nobody wins in this one, least of all, the children, which is what I got from this book.
So it's not about you.
.
.
or you.
.
.
or you.
.
.
or you.
.
.
Or even Raymond, today.
It's about this little guy.
.
.
and this sweet, simple way of maybe.
.
.
giving you a message.
Now.
.
.
we have these parenting books that you might want to take a look at.
.
.
- I'll try one.
- Oh, I'll take one.
We'll take 'em all, we'll take 'em all.
Give me one.
They're not all for you.
Relax, Dad.
You're gonna get one! - Hey! - Hey! - Come here, you.
- Come here.
What'd you do, go to the bathroom? Yeah.
Your light's on.
Yeah, that's 'cause we're readin'.
We're readin' a coupla books here.
Give me that head.
Give me that.
Mm-mm! Hey, it's time for bed, dude.
- Okay? - Come on.
- See ya tomorrow, okay? - See you in the morning, honey.
Hey, listen, Michael, we really loved your story you wrote, and we learned a lot from it.
I like that cartoon.
What cartoon? Monster Maniacs.
They're really funny.
They're always yelling.
With a win over the Angels, last night's 1-0 screamer gave the Royals a one-nothing lead in the three game series.