Everybody Loves Raymond s08e09 Episode Script

The Bird

I'm so glad you came a day early, honey.
Me too, Mom.
I'm almost looking forward to this.
Oh, good.
They're here.
Hello, husband.
Hello, wife.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
Hey, it's winter out here.
I'm sorry! Come in! How was the drive? Long but but fun, 'cause we're just, "Pennsylvania! Can't wait!" Good day, fair Barones on this festival of thanks and givingness.
Here, let me take your coats.
Don't go too far with those.
Dad, be a person.
Sorry we're so late.
That's all right.
Dinner's almost ready.
I brought pies for after.
Oh, thank you, Marie.
I made two, in case people don't fill up on dinner.
How thoughtful.
Well, why doesn't everyone have a seat? Just point us to the room with the TV.
Oh, we don't own a TV.
I don't understand.
It's fine, Frank.
We'll just talk.
Ohh You can warm yourselves up with some hot cider.
Is it spiked? There's cinnamon.
So I drove here for hot juice.
And children, we also have the MacDougall family Thanksgiving pageant.
The the MacDougall what? Did I forget to mention that? This is fun.
Listen to this.
This is great.
When Peter and I were kids we used to put on a play about the first Thanksgiving.
And we thought that since Ally and the boys were coming this year, we could try it again.
Doesn't that sound like fun, kids? You don't even have like a little emergency TV? The kids can play most of the parts, and Peter will reprise his role as Squanto.
All right, children, if you want to follow me, I have costumes and decorations.
And candy.
- All right! - Okay! Oh, they'll be so cute doing the play.
This is great.
Dinner and a show! - You have a radio? - Ray.
What? What if what if the president comes on to say Thanksgiving's been canceled how're we going to hear that? Hey, this chair ain't bad.
I tell ya I could do some serious nappin' in this thing.
Come on, stop it.
Stop it.
What? What? What? What? Don't get my dad started on naps.
Don't tell me he's morally against 'em.
Oh, no.
He loves naps.
Right, Daddy? I do.
But never in a chair.
I'm more of a bed man.
Let me ask you, do you go all the way under the covers? No no, just on top.
Now I might kick off my shoes, but that's as far as it goes.
Let me tell ya, if I'm doin' a bed nap, I'm gettin' under the covers, but my pants are not.
I've got pastry puffs.
Oh Hey, Mom, Dad and Frank are talking about naps.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Do yourself a favor, Hank, try a nap in the chair sometime.
I might just do that after dinner.
There you go! Would you like an appetizer, Marie? They're homemade.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, but I'd love for you to try one.
Everyone says you're the best cook there is.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
I'd love to try one.
Mmm! I have to say, Pat, that's marvelous.
Oh, thank you.
She's been worried about what you were gonna think of her dinner.
Oh who cares what I think? Mom! The boys are putting glue in each other's hair.
- Oh, no! - I'm surprised it took 'em this long.
Okay, sweetie, Mommy'll help you stick 'em to the wall.
How great is this? Isn't this great? It's like a family.
I have more appetizers in the kitchen.
I'll come with you.
I wanna see what else we have to look forward to.
Don't put glue in each other's hair.
Ha ha ha! What was that? Sounded like somethin' hit the house.
Oh it's a bird.
It must've flown into the window.
Oh, man.
It's hurt.
Oh, what do we do? Don't squeeze it.
Be careful.
Don't worry.
I got it.
Don't hold it too tight.
I know birds.
I build birdhouses.
May I see it? Oh my.
Let me help you.
Poor thing.
He must've gotten confused or somethin'.
Hey, remember Tweety? Yeah.
When we were kids, we had a cockatiel named Tweety.
I trained him so when I opened his cage, he'd fly right up onto my shoulder.
He thought I was a tree.
Here we go.
How's the bird? Oh, I took care of it.
What do you mean? You know You killed the bird? Well, I had to put it out of its misery.
You mean you actually put it to death? It was very quick.
How could you do that? Oh, she's very good at it.
You've done this before? Sure.
All the time.
Well, only when they hit the house.
If birds keep flyin' into your house, you gotta warn them somehow.
Maybe we should just cover the house with mattresses, so the birds bounce off.
You makin' fun of me, cocoa puffs? Okay.
All right.
Let's all take a deep breath and try to remember that the bird is in a better place birdie heaven, where the seed is free, and every bird gets a worm not just the early ones.
She should take you into the kitchen.
Excuse me, but how do you know the bird couldn't be saved? I mean, you're not a veterinarian.
No, but I have lived in the country my whole life.
Mom grew up on a farm.
I bet the chickens slept with one eye open.
It's funny, isn't it, Mother, how city folk react to this type of thing? That poor bird was innocently flying around.
You kill it, you don't even seem to care.
It's not that we don't care, Marie.
It's just, out here, there are animals all around us, and sometimes you do what has to be done.
Yes, like when a rodent gets into the root cellar, you don't want to bang it with a shovel but you do.
Bong! You got no right to go around bumpin' off God's creatures willy-nilly.
Well, let's remember, Frank, God did say, "Let man have dominion over the fish of the sea, and the fowl of the air, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
" You creepeth me out.
You know, Frank, I would like to say something to you.
It seems to me that you care more about animals than you do about people.
What the hell's that supposed to mean? I've never seen you show as much compassion for any human being as you've just shown for that bird.
Even the way you treat each other is appalling.
Hey, I think I know a couple fellas who could use a nap.
Listen, pal, we tell it like it is.
Somebody's botherin' me, I let 'em know.
And, yeah, maybe that's why I like animals they tell it like it is.
Woof! Moo! Quack! That's straight shootin'.
So, you're like an animal.
I'm honest.
You don't love your fellow man.
You just pretend to be all nicey so you get a ticket upstairs.
Ohh! Okay, now it's a holiday.
We would never pretend like that.
We always try to see the goodness in people.
Even when it's very very hard.
I happen to agree with my husband.
You can't just put on a smile and pretend that people are wonderful.
- Yeah, nobody really - I'm talking now, Frank.
I have always felt that if I'm going to be a loving human being, I also had to be courageous enough to be honest with people.
Being fake helps no one.
What what is that look? It's just well, I was thinking about when you said you made two pies in case people didn't fill up on dinner.
I don't think you were happy to be spending Thanksgiving with us, but you covered your true feelings with a veiled insult about my cooking.
Isn't that fake? You killed a bird! Marie, maybe we should just let the bird thing go.
Whoa, Amy, look let's not get sucked into this.
I mean, I'm not taking my family's side.
Well, of course not.
They're acting all nuts.
They're nuts? Well, what would you call it when a man barks and quacks at you? My father was barking and quacking because he was upset about the path of death and destruction that your parents have cut through the animal community! That's my boy! This doesn't happen if you have a TV.
Then you must think I'm a murderer too.
When I was a kid, I used to catch field mice to feed to Peter's pet snake.
You crazy bastard! They're all killers! It runs in the family.
I wish we still had that snake.
Frank! They wanna feed us to the snakes! All right.
Just relax, you two.
No snake is that hungry.
Everybody, here they come! - What's this? - Isn't this great? There's a part for everybody in the play.
Not me.
Forget it.
But, Grandpa, you're the Indian chief.
I see no reason why he should be involved in our play.
Oh, you don't want me in your play? What's going on? What's happening? No TV.
Daddy, we want you to be Squanto.
- Yeah, Squanto.
- Whoa whoa whoa.
No, hold on a second.
No, no.
I am always Squanto.
See? We want Daddy to do it.
Yeah, Daddy.
Kid, I always do it.
Let me have the feather.
- Hey, leave the kid.
- Let me have the feather.
Hey! I'm Squanto! Yeah.
Feels good.
Heap good.
I look forward to your interpretation.
Marie, we thought you'd be a Pilgrim, so if you'll just take the hat.
Maybe the pageant isn't such a good idea today.
- What do you mean? It's Thanksgiving! - Let's just forget it.
No! I don't know what's going on here, but certain people in this room are very excited about doing this play, okay? So we're gonna do it.
- Debra, you - Dih-dih-dih-dih! We're doing the play.
Kids, let's go.
Ally, sweetie.
"The first Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock in the winter of 1620 looking for freedom and a new life, but things were not easy for them.
" "The winter is so very hard.
Many of our people are dying from cold and hunger.
" "But we can't find any food.
" "We don't even know how to catch fish.
Whatever will we do?" She should try strangling a couple of birds.
Did anyone hear some savages talking? "A Native American named Squanto came to the Pilgrim village.
" "My name is Squanto" Ooh! Riveting! "My name is Squanto.
I come in peace.
" - "Hello.
" - Hey.
I'll show you how to live off this land.
" "Squanto taught the Pilgrims how to catch fish.
" Is anybody buying this guy as Squanto? You leave him alone.
He hasn't had a chance to exercise lately.
"Can you also teach us to plant corn and forage for berries?" "Yes, I can.
" Oh, hey.
"Squanto and the Pilgrims became friends, but Squanto's tribe did not like the settlers.
" This is an excellent play.
"I think we should be friends with the Pilgrims and sign a peace treaty.
" "Yes, we promise to protect your people and treat you with kindness.
" Lies.
They're gonna screw us.
"The Pilgrims invited Squanto's tribe to a big feast.
Everyone was happy when the Indian chief arrived.
" "We're so happy.
" "They exchanged gifts, and the Indian chief embraced the Pilgrim governor.
" Grandpa, embrace him.
Look, Ally, sweetie, this was cute and everything, but now it stinks.
It doesn't stink! This play is a MacDougall family tradition! Yes, and we've seen other kinds of traditions your family enjoys.
Marie, please stop already.
No no.
That's okay.
It's important to get everything out in the open.
So, tell me, Amy, what else did you feed that snake, huh? Stray dogs? Hitchhikers? Oh my God.
Your family scares the hell out of me! Okay.
Okay, enough! What is going on here? When I left the room, everybody was laughing, and it was wonderful.
It showed me that our family could really get along.
What happened? Pat-the-psycho choked a bird with her bare hands.
What? A bird flew into the window and it was really hurt.
She murdered it.
She put it out of its misery.
Oh, that's what happened.
So? So?! Thank you! That's what you're fighting about? What was Pat supposed to do perform surgery? You have never liked us.
You take every opportunity you can to go against the family.
Well, actually, I can kind of see Debra's point.
I mean, the bird was injured.
Now you think that? When Debra says it, you listen.
With me, you fight.
What is with you?! It's a confusing issue! You're out of the family.
You what's with your wife? He's right.
Why can't you just be on our side? It's not about taking sides, Ray! It's sad what happened to that bird, but it doesn't have to ruin everything! That bird was one of God's creatures! The God these people supposedly work for.
But apparently, that life didn't mean anything to them.
It was just a bird.
Well, maybe so, but I happen to think he deserved a lot better than he got.
Okay, everyone! Dinner.
All right! Break me off a leg there!
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