Everybody Loves Raymond s09e13 Episode Script

Aha.
- Hi, Ray.
- Oh, hey.
Oh, Deb's not here.
She's out with the kids, so l'm just, you know, trying to make the best of it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, l'm just gonna watch the Knicks game, you know, and uh, nothing else.
Great.
Yeah, Robert called and told me you guys were gonna watch the game when he got home from work, so l thought l'd wait for him over here.
- ls that okay? - Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah.
So when did Robert say he was gonna come home? ln about an hour.
Are you excited about Fondue Date Night? What what what-what? You guys are coming over tomorrow night for Amy's first annual Fondue Night.
lt's gonna be just the three Barone couples-- like a triple date.
Hey hey, a date with my parents.
l know you think it's corny, but it'll be fun, really-- - Fondue Date Night.
- Yeah.
Yeah, fun.
You know what? l'll talk to Robert about it when he gets here in 58 minutes.
Oh, may l? - Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Thanks.
Oh, look, this one looks like a heart.
l'll save that.
So from now on, that's where l'm buying all my sweaters.
- Hey.
- Hey hey, there he is! There he is.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hello there.
- Missed you.
- Yeah, what's up? We've been waiting an hour and 11 minutes.
Amy, Ma wanted me to remind you that you'll be making the salad for the dinner tonight.
Oh, l forgot.
l'd better go.
- Darn.
- Yeah, damn it.
See you later, Yogi.
And Ray, l'll see you at Fondue.
Okay, yeah.
She's such a cutie pie.
Yeah.
- Oh, it's the second half already? - Yeah, man.
- You're missing some great basketball.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Actually, l kind of missed some too.
l was-- me and Amy, we had a nice long chat.
All right, that's really nice.
What did you guys talk about? Oh, gosh, pretty much everything, l think.
Yeah, Amy's great, huh? Yeah, Amy's great.
She's great.
Yeah.
She's kind of like a little Lady Chatterley.
- Lady Chatterley? - Yeah.
What do you mean? Oh, you know, like she always-- she always wants to know how everybody is, and she gets real excited about Fondue Date Night.
And she told me about this interesting salesgirl that sold her a sweater and-and-and whatever.
lt's all good stuf.
lt's all good.
Are you saying that Amy talks too much? No, Robert, l love Amy.
Wow, are you a liar.
You know, l know what it is.
l got something good and you can't stand it.
You never could.
Remember when l made that diorama - in Mr.
Carolan's history class? - What? Everybody said how great it was-- everybody! l won a prize, remember? But you said it stunk.
You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.
lt was a dragon, Raymond-- a dragon that represented years of British tranny! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then and now.
- Robert, l didn't-- - Everybody thinks my wife is great-- everybody! So you have to tell me that she's a Lady Chatterbox who won't shut up? Oh, l know how it goes.
Jealous ass.
Come on-- Jeal-ass! Yes! Stop it.
No.
Come on, don't go, Robert.
Stay.
Come stay and watch the game.
Come on.
You wanna say something bad about my wife, you can.
l don't care.
Come on.
Say it.
Say it.
''She's a bad cook and she's mean.
'' Hey.
Hi.
One second, one second.
And you may think that, Robert-- you'd be dead wrong.
Dead wrong.
Debra is a caring, beautiful, skinny person.
So how's it going? Look, l saved you this chip-- it looks like a heart.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
You've been quiet all night.
Are you okay? Yeah, l'm fine.
Everything okay with you? Fine and dandy.
Ooh, did l show you this sweater l got? - lt's nice.
- The salesgirl l bought it from, Bridget, she was so sweet and smart.
She's taking some time of of school to make some money, but l really hope she finishes, because she's really great-- And then you bought the sweater.
Got it.
l'm sorry.
Actually, you know, l kind of did have a bad day.
Oh? What happened? Oh, nothing.
lt's just like every other day, dealing with the scum of the earth.
Well, at least you get tomorrow of.
And then hey-- Fondue Date Night.
That'll be ''fun''-- ''do.
'' Yeah, you know, l was thinking, maybe Fondue Date Night is not such a good idea right now.
Really? Everybody else is excited about it-- even Ray.
Amy, why do you even bother with him? l know he doesn't like to open up, but little by little, l think l'm cracking his shell.
And you know what? There's a sweet person inside.
Oh, listen l know you and Raymond have had your problems-- He said you talk too much.
What? He called you Lady Blabbermouth.
He did? Look, Amy, l'm sorry.
l've known Raymond for a long time, and do you know what a jeal-ass is? Now that l think about it, while we were talking this afternoon, he did excuse himself to go to the bathroom like, five times.
l thought he had a tummy problem.
lt's not his tummy.
He has no soul.
So he just wanted me to go away? That is kind of jerky.
l love you so much.
But hey, you know, this is good-- tomorrow night, more cheese for us.
No no, everybody's coming.
l'm just not gonna let Ray's opinion afect me.
Okay, good good.
Hey, you know what? Don't even talk to him.
ln fact, just stay quiet all night.
You won't even give him a chance to think that way about you.
Huh? Robert when l was just telling you my sweater story, and you told me to-- was that because you think l talk too much? No no.
That's because Raymond brought it up.
And l didn't want him to think that he was right 'cause you know, like you said, ''jerky.
'' And l love this new sweater.
lt's a great sweater.
Great story about the sweater.
l'm stealing that story.
Okay, w-w-wait, Amy, Amy.
Wait.
Amy.
The one time l get a word in Okay, we have two diferent kinds of cheeses, and the chocolate is for all the fruit.
Move it, lady, l'm going in.
Hello.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Oh, Amy, everything smells great.
That's what l said.
Marie, here is the garlic toast l made for dipping.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, man.
Listen, again, about before-- l'm sorry.
Oh, you don't have to apologize to me.
Ray, can l talk to you for a second? 'Sup, sis? Listen, Ray, Robert told me about what happened yesterday, and l just want to let you know that you're right.
l should have realized you're just a guy, and guys just wanna relax and watch TV.
And l should have left you alone.
Amy, will you marry me? - Listen, Amy-- - Oh, no no, Ray.
l don't want things to be weird between us, so l'm sorry.
Oh, well me too.
Great.
Let's sit and eat.
Okay, all right.
l don't mind if l ''fun-do.
'' l got a cheese one.
Wait a minute! - That's it? - lt's fine, Robert.
Let me get this straight: Raymond insults you, but you get mad at me and then you apologize to him? What, are you taking lessons from my mom who l love? What's going on? l'll tell you what's going on.
Yesterday poor Raymond had to watch a basketball game while Amy dared to sit next to him.
And then the minute she leaves, he tells me that she had the nerve to talk to him about things that didn't interest him.
Called her Boxy Chatterhead.
- Ray.
- Raymond.
Why would you call Amy a boxy chatterhead? lt's Lady Chatterley.
lt's from a book.
Oh, it's okay.
To be fair, Ray is a sportswriter.
lt's kind of like l was bothering him at work.
Oh Amy, no.
Ray doesn't work.
Ray, apologize to Amy right now.
Excuse me, this is between me and Amy, and we're fine with it.
Amy, kudos on the fondue.
This is not between you and Amy.
What, are you kidding me? - You never listen, ever.
- Never ever.
Oh, don't try to lay it all on Ray, Robert.
Last night you made it very clear that you think l talk too much.
Oh, dude.
You're the one who should be in trouble.
Yeah, Ray.
You know, you wouldn't think it, but this chocolate and salami is a great combo.
All right, let's all just relax.
l think we're making too big of a deal of this.
No, Amy, l have been putting up with this for 15 years.
l am not gonna let him do this to you too.
You know, when l need to talk to Ray about my feelings or our children, l know l have until the commercial's over-- that gives me 30 seconds.
And if there's a girl in the commercial, or a truck with big wheels, or God forbid, a monkey, forget it.
Come on, that's not true.
Look, Ray, we're not asking for that much.
lt's just talking and listening-- watch.
- Hello, Robert.
- Oh, hello there, Debra.
- How's it going? - Not so good.
l've got a brother who lacks even rudimentary social skills.
- l'm sorry to hear that.
- Well, thanks for asking.
And by the way, those are lovely earrings.
- See? - Yeah.
Oh, that was very good.
Raymond, do it with me now.
- Hello, Raymond.
- Hello, Mother.
Oh, look, Mom, a bear in pants.
Yes, your brother is quite hairy.
No, Ma, he's not doing it right.
Yes, he is, Ma.
He's also ugly.
He should really wear a welder's mask.
Why don't l weld your mouth to your ass and make a doughnut out of you?! - You don't know how to weld.
- l'm a damn fine welder.
You stink at everything.
Bring it on! This is nothing to fight about.
Ray, just apologize to Amy.
No, it's okay.
We already talked about it.
And now it just seems like everybody's using it - as an excuse to attack him.
- Yeah yeah, that's right.
These jackals, they pounce as soon as they smell blood.
They love it when l'm miserable.
For all l know, you guys have been sending her in every day on purpose just to annoy me.
Amy.
Oh.
Even l know you gotta go in there.
Hey.
Wh-what are you doing? Just having some cookies.
Listen, l didn't mean what l said in there, really.
l was just-- you know, l'm mad at those guys, and l'm sorry.
lt's okay.
l'm fine.
Listen, you definitely have a right to be mad at me.
Oh, l do? l do? Well, thank you very much, Ray.
You're welcome.
Let me tell you something, mister: you are a frustrating person! All this time, l've been trying to talk to you, and it's like l'm banging my head against the wall.
l keep thinking, ''What's wrong with me? Why can't l get through to him?'' And now l realize that maybe it's not my fault.
Maybe it's just that you're boring.
You know, Debra says you're like this because you don't want to talk.
But l think maybe it's because you've got nothing to say.
l do too have stuf to say.
Oh, yeah? Go ahead.
- What do you mean? - Come on, talk.
Come on, talk.
Right now.
And l want something more than hot dogs and football kicking.
Oh, interesting conversation.
What else do you have to say, Mr.
Fascinating? This is a lot of pressure! That's what l thought.
l'm sorry.
l didn't mean it.
l was just lashing out.
Oh, l stink at this.
l was just trying to hurt your feelings.
Good job.
- You want a tissue? - l'm not crying.
Look, Ray l know l try too hard, talking about emotions and stuf.
lt's just that l wanna be close to everyone in this family.
Why? Because l love you guys.
But l mean, for gosh sakes, l know Frank better than l know you-- all his sights and sounds and smells.
At least l know he's comfortable with me.
l feel closer to him now.
Yeah, don't get too close.
We lost a canary once.
You're always so funny.
You know what? lt's taken some time, but even Robert has started opening up to me.
Like, he finally told me why he sleeps with a tennis racket under his bed.
He still does that? For the burglars.
That's what he told you it's for? No no no, that's-- that's his ghost swatter.
- What? - Yes yes.
Ever since we were kids, he would-- listen to this.
One time, he was about 1 2, and he thought he heard something in the attic.
And so of course l'm making fun of him.
So to prove that he's not scared, he went up there with his ''ghost swatter.
'' So l took a broom and l went, ''Boom boom boom.
'' And all of a sudden, two giant legs come crashing through the ceiling-- boom! Just his legs? Yeah, well, he fell on a beam-- ''Aah.
'' And it's just two giant legs just sticking out, and they were still trying to run-- ''Aah.
'' Was he injured? Well, you tell me.
Oh, Ray.
Amy, is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine, Robert.
Amy and l, we were just talking.
- Yeah, we were.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, great.
Well, that's very nice.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Oh please, by all means, don't let me interrupt.
Why aren't you talking? - What were you talking about? - Nothing.
Shut up.
What were you talking about, Amy? Fondue Date Night.
Was this about me? What did you tell him? You told him stuf about me.
What did you say? Nothing, Robert.
He got stuf out of you.
l know him.
Robert, we were just-- Come on, Amy, we should get in there.
Dad's probably got the fondue pot on his head like Winnie the Pooh.
Yeah, come on, Robert.
l'm hungry.
Wait wait wait.
Don't lie to me.
ls this about how l eat my foods in alphabetical order? Because l have a very good reason for that.
- l didn't know you do that.
- l don't! Amy, l don't want you talking to him.
Did you tell him about my pedicures? No, Robert.
Robert paints his feet like a lady.
Holy crap.
This commercial's funny.
Ray, watch.
Watch what the cat does.
He high-fives the dog-- that's funny.
Those two don't usually get along.
Why don't you just sleep with him already?! l've been sitting here all night too, you know.
Oh, look, this one's got a monkey in it.