Everybody Loves Raymond s09e16 Episode Script

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Last Laugh

- So how is it? - Great.
How much more do we have to eat before dessert? This ain't your night, kid.
l made dessert too.
- Hey, Ray.
- Hi, Daddy.
Hey, Deb.
What is it? - Oh, you just came from the doctor.
- Yes.
And? He said that my adenoids have to come out.
All right, so l guess you have to have it done.
ls that it? That's your attitude? - Come on.
- That's what you say? ''Go ahead, Doc, cut that fat boy up.
'' Honey, l understand that you're nervous, but this is a very common procedure.
And they don't cut you up.
They go in through your mouth.
Well, l don't like people going in through my mouth! You've been getting sore throats for two years.
Your snoring is getting worse, you're having dificult swallowing - Me too.
- Eat your food.
We will all be so much happier when you get this done.
- Right, kids? - Yeah.
That's 'cause you think Mom's gonna take the insurance money and buy everyone a pony.
Your throat hurts, doesn't it? No.
No, look, l want a second opinion.
This is your third opinion.
Those doctors, they just want money.
l don't trust them.
l want an expert.
l got your message, Raymond.
Don't let them touch you! l won't, Mom.
l won't.
Debra doesn't care, Ma.
She actually said that getting your adenoids out is no big deal.
lt's a very big deal.
They want to take a piece of my Raymond away.
l have all the medicine we need right here.
l made you some minestrone soup.
All right, children, you don't have to eat any more of that.
Sit down.
Okay, here.
Now put your face right in here, like that, and breathe in.
lt's all good for you.
Marie, you really think food is gonna take care of Ray's adenoid problem? l think good food will.
Marie, what did you do with that soup? This soup is not for you, Frank.
l've been smelling it all day, and then you take it away? You soup tease.
Come on, guys, stop.
Cut it out.
No no no.
There's enough for everybody.
Just take it easy.
The soup is for Raymond.
lt's his medicine.
Why don't you just quit babying him, Ma, huh? They should just rip out your adenoids and be done with it.
Yeah, just go in, drop your drawers, bing bang boom.
Drop your drawers? Do you even know where the adenoids are, Dad? Sure, around back with the rest of the ''oids.
'' All right, guys, come on.
- lt's a little crowded in here.
- Yeah.
You know what you need? A bigger table.
No, l don't.
l don't need a bigger table.
l need you guys out of here.
Aww, wook at wittle Waymond, all upset, 'cause they're gonna take his little adenoids out.
Forget about it.
l'm not doing it.
Yes, you are.
What kind of example do you think you're setting for the kids? Yeah, and while you're in there, have the doctor look at your unenjoyable testicle.
lt's undescended, Dad.
Yes, and do you enjoy it that way? Raymond has his adenoids out, the whole world has to stop.
Oh, Robert, it's okay.
He feels better that we're here.
Oh, he has no feelings.
The only reason l'm here is because Ma knows that l'm the same blood tpe as him.
Not everything's about you, Robert.
And keep your sleeves rolled up.
Maybe l had other things to do today.
This is what a family does.
We stick together.
We support each other.
Stop looking at my veins! Come on.
This week has been bad enough as it is.
Ray's been driving me crazy.
Last night he woke me up-- ''What if the nurse's top is unbuttoned and the surgeon gets distracted?'' All right, stop it, stop.
l'm going to the powder room for a moment.
And when l get back, l expect everyone to have a proper look of concern on their faces.
- Debra Barone? - Yeah.
How'd it go? Mrs.
Barone, are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about? What do you mean? Why? We're having dificult bringing him out of anesthesia.
What? He should have been out by now.
He's not responding.
His blood pressure's dropped below a certain level.
- Robert - What is it? - What? - He's not - What? Raymond? - What's happening? He's not waking up.
Let me go in there.
l'm his blood tpe.
No no, listen to me.
He is my brother.
l can wake him up.
- Raymond! - Sir, sir, please.
- Hi, are you the Barones? - My brother's in there.
Raymond! He's fine now.
His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it.
This happens sometimes-- it's a form of hypertension, but he's perfectly all right.
Thank you.
You can see him in a few minutes.
Oh oh my God.
- Okay, but it was fine.
- Yes.
He said it went fine.
lt went good.
l noticed the nurse was still buttoned.
Okay okay, now listen.
What happened in there-- nobody tells Ray.
Or his mother.
Okay, here you go.
Got you every sports magazine l could find, including ''Women's Volleyball.
'' Oh.
Oh, well, let's see what's going on in that sport.
So, how are you feeling? l'm feeling good.
You know, my throat, it hurts just a little bit.
But this might help.
- How are you doing? - Good.
l'm good.
You want some of my ice cream? No.
No no no.
You enjoy that.
That's for you.
l made a swirly.
Oh l got some on my blanket and some on my pajamas.
- l don't care.
- Oh, okay.
Good 'cause l got some on your pillow too.
What's up? Nothing, just thinking.
Just tomorrow everything l have to do, all the stuf-- you know, make breakfast, take the kids to school.
l have some grocery shopping.
We need chicken and some green beans and cereal and shampoo and potatoes and cookies.
Then l have to pick up the dry-cleaning.
They still have some of your shirts.
And then get the kids and take the boys to soccer get new uniforms-- they're really cute.
And l thought you could meet us at Marco's for dinner, maybe.
You know, just get a pizza and then go home and put the kids to bed and then maybe we could watch a movie.
- Time of the month, huh? - No.
No, Ray.
- No, l'm fine.
- Oh.
- Really.
- All right, okay.
You know, l could pick up the dry-cleaning if you want me to.
l don't want you to.
You always bring home somebody else's.
l guess this new voice, it's pretty sexy, right? l'm sorry, do you wanna finish your ice cream? Oh, it won't even have time to melt.
Frank? Yeah? What are you doing? Just thinking.
What's the matter, the TV broken? No.
Look, if you're worried about Robert eating that last piece of pie, why don't you go down and get it right now? Frank, get the pie yourself.
l don't want the pie.
What, a guy can't just touch his wife's shoulder? Frank, it's late, and l'm not in the mood.
Uh this ain't that.
You know, l was thinking sometimes l say stuf, like, you know ''you're old, you got a big mouth you're a pain in the ass.
'' Oh well, now l'm in the mood.
No, l don't know what the hell l'm saying.
lt's just that l'm glad we're you know? All right, Frank.
- What's going on? - What? Well, something's wrong.
You don't just say no to pie, and touch my shoulder, and think.
You have been acting weird ever since we got back from the hospital today.
Uh, on second thought, l do want sex.
You're so beautiful, l can't resist you, honey.
Really? Since when do you say that? Usually all l get is, ''Hey, come here a minute.
'' What is it, Frank? Just tell me.
Okay, it's no big deal now, but you gotta promise not to tell anybody l told you.
Of course l promise.
What is it? When you were in the hospital and went to the bathroom, the nurse came out and said they were having a little trouble waking up Ray from the knockout stuf.
What?! But two seconds later, he was fine.
Perfectly fine.
My son almost dies, and you don't tell me?! He was fine.
Where are you going? - What is wrong with you?! - He's fine.
Marie, wait.
Hey, come here a minute.
Raymond! Oh, Raymond.
Oh, my sweet Raymond.
Whoa, Ma.
Ma, please! l knew one day this would happen.
What-- what are you doing? Marie, come on, get out of there.
Come back across the street with me.
l'm not speaking to you.
Even better.
Just get out of there.
Frank, what did you do? - l told her what happened.
- What? She beat it out of me.
Would somebody please tell me why my worst nightmare is coming true?! All right, look.
You almost bought the farm during the adenoid thing, and your mother's making a big deal out of it.
What do you mean? What happened? You had a little trouble waking up, but it was nothing.
lf it was nothing, why didn't anybody tell me? Well, wait a minute.
Get of me, Ma.
What happened? Hold it.
l am the mother.
And when the mother goes to the bathroom, you have to tell her everything that happened while she was in there.
Of course you're right, but we just didn't want to upset you.
What about me? How could you not tell me this? lf somebody dies, you gotta tell them.
You didn't die.
Yeah, but what if l did? l would have never known.
And besides, now that l think about it, l think l saw a light.
- Come on.
- Yes.
And also l thought l heard someone who sounded like Uncle Gus.
Uncle Gus died eight years ago.
How did he look? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
l've been feeling a little weird all day.
What if-- what if l lost some brain functions while l was under, huh? Look at this.
Look at this.
l'm walking weird.
That's because your mother was just on you.
No no no.
l'm walking a little lopsided.
All right, you're fine, Ray.
- Hop on one foot.
- Yeah? - What's your address? - 320 Fowler.
- What town? - Lynbrook.
What's my birthday? Uh Oh my God! No.
December 9.
Wait a minute.
How about this thing? So l guess now we'll watch Raymond do anything.
- He found out what happened.
- Wait a minute, he knows? Yes, and l know too, Amy.
Wait a minute.
Everybody knows? How long was l dead for? You weren't dead.
The nurse came out, said they were having a slight problem, and the doctor came out Okay, but but for 30 seconds you all thought l might be dead.
What'd everybody do? You weren't dead.
lt was 30 seconds.
What went through your head? okay, go.
''l have to plan a funeral.
l have to raise three kids myself.
On the other hand, l can start dating, yeah.
You know what? l'm gonna need some shoes.
You know who's cute? Gianni.
'' Debra! So What? l mean, what? You didn't think of anything? Hey.
l was there and l saw your wife fall apart.
l never saw her look like that.
And l'll tell you, l never wanna see her look like that again.
Yeah? A little.
What about you, Robert? What? lt was nothing.
Oh, no, now l remember.
l was thinking, with that nose you're gonna need an open casket.
On the way home, ''You are the Sunshine of my Life'' came on the radio, and he had to pull over.
- Amy! - lt's okay.
He's your brother.
He is not the sunshine of anything.
We're going.
And by the way, l pulled over because l thought l hit a cat.
That's right.
All right, Marie, let's go.
No, l can't go now.
Oh, Raymond Oh, come on, you got the rest of your life to blubber all over him.
All right.
All right.
No, just one more.
Next time this happens, l get to be there.
What? You like me.
You know What, Ray? What? Nothing, it's just l know.
You like me too.
Me too.
So why are you still standing over there? Oh, that's right, you were all hot for me.
Maybe l didn't wake up.
Plus, after this we've got ice cream.
- Hey, Alvin and the Chipmunks.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Dad.
- French toast.
You don't want any of that batch, Ray.
l burned it.
- No, l don't mind it.
- Have mine, Daddy.
- Your father's unbelievable.
- Give me my tools! No! He broke my stove.
You asked me to work on it.
Yes, l didn't tell you to hit it with a hammer.
That stove's been asking for it for 35 years.
l don't know where to eat now.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Hey.
Hey, what do you got there? French toast? No no, don't worry, l'll make something.
- Yay! - All right, sit down.
Uncle Robert's hungry and big, and if you don't wanna get eaten, move out of the way-- thank you.
- This isn't so terrible.
- What do we have here? Here, have some fruit in the meantime.
Who wants grapes? Ray, l think it's getting a little too crowded in here.
Yeah, it is.
You know what? We need a bigger table.
All right, who would like some chocolate-chip pancakes? Me.
You're being cute? What, are you gonna have syrup all over your chin now, right? Yeah, very funny.
By the way, what good was that operation if you still sound exactly the same, huh? Give me my hammer.
l'm glad it sounds the same.
He's got a beautiful voice.
He could have been a singer.
Ma, where do you come up with this? A singer.
That's right.
Here, this one's for you, Robert.
All right, stop it, please.
l'm eating.
Hey, Dad, hit me with the hammer.
Don't tease him like that.
Ma, put bananas-- bananas in the pancakes.
- You're a wonderful singer.
- He is a wonderful singer.
Not green bananas, though, 'cause they make me all
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