Everything I Know About Love (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Episode 2 Love at First Sight

1 MUSIC: Ritual Union by Little Dragon Five, six.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Ritual union's Got me in trouble again I was wonderin' of a white dress And the mistress And a spirit holding my hand ♪ - Yes, that was the best we've got it.
- Yes! I got none of it right.
OK, let's learn the next section.
DOORBELL RINGS Right, so we go - Ba Ba.
Twisty Twisty.
- I'll get it.
So, Ba, Ba.
All right? How's it going? It's going good, yeah, how are you? Yeah, all right, thanks.
Sorry we're a bit not dressed.
We've been learning a dance routine.
Oh, yeah? Class.
Let's see.
- Yes! No way.
Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.
He'll love it.
I erm I actually better head to my room, - just got loads of work to do.
- Really? Yeah.
This was great, though.
Let's finish it another time.
Shall we just do it one more time for Nathan to see? I, erm, I've really got to crack on, I'm sorry, Nathan.
It was really lovely to see you, though.
I wish we could catch up properly.
Erm, maybe next time.
DRINK POURS Thank you.
SOFTLY GIGGLES Come on, sit down.
VOICEOVER: We've all been there.
At one point or another, we've all felt someone backing out of a relationship, in slow motion, hoping we won't realise.
Now, I know that the best way to deal with this is to stay calm, give them space and remain dignified.
But, like all the important lessons, that took me a while to learn.
LAUGHTER KEYS CLACK RAPIDLY You coming down for dinner? No, no, go ahead.
I'm doing job applications and then blogging.
Don't eat in front of your laptop again.
We are in a boom of mediocre girls making a name for themselves by being moderately funny on the internet.
I can't waste a minute.
This is my time.
I guess it's just me, Birdy, Nell and our fourth housemate Nathan.
I know, right? And she doesn't even warn us any more? I don't know how this happened.
Why is he here ALL the time? Right? And he can't quite get the boyfriend-of-a-housemate vibe right either.
Yeah, and it's super simple - talk a tiny bit, but not too much and always offer to make tea.
If in doubt, just act like a really respectful waiter in a high-end restaurant.
And why is he constantly watching televised sports? It is a permanent rotation of football, rugby, cricket, snooker.
How many different ways can men push balls around? I have learnt so much about sport in the past month, all of it against my will.
Why do I know when the "transfer window" closes, Amara? WHY? I've been doing the calculations, and I think he's used up, like, £7 of hot water in this week alone.
I've got it all recorded, just in case we ever need to use it.
Maybe you should put the book away for a bit, babes.
I just don't understand why they're seeing so much of each other so early on.
Neither do I.
But I s'pose it's not really any of our business.
Oh, see? This is where you let me down, Amara.
Stop being so relaxed.
I need you to be livid.
Stay here with me in the madness.
Grab a pen.
Take tabs of how often he's using the kettle.
I mean, can you ever have all three? No, I don't think so.
What about David Attenborough? That is a really good point, Nathan.
Really, really good point.
What you guys talking about? The three motivations for a career.
Bread, cred or integ.
Bread money.
Credibility recognition.
Integ satisfaction.
You mean being smug.
No, I mean your integrity.
And you think you're integ.
Oh, so true, all teachers think they're integ.
I do not think I'm integ.
Yeah, you do.
With your 8am starts and your unions.
OK, I'm sorry that I'm the only one in this house who's qualified for anything.
And I get in for 7.
30, actually, not that any of you'd know that cos most days you're all asleep when I leave.
I think you're missing a category.
Which? Incred.
What's "incred"? Whether you want to be incredible.
Whether you want your work to leave a legacy in the world.
Definitely not me.
No No! I will not have the classification system derailed like this.
"Incred" is not a category.
It's something you've made up cos you think people can still get jobs by being precocious to some bigwig who says, "I'm taking a chance on you, kid.
" See, I'd love that.
I've got to blog.
- What about? - The ethics of reusing a nude.
Go leave that legacy in the world.
Honestly, Nathan, you've got to read her blog.
It is so funny.
It's better than any magazine you'll ever buy.
I'll check it out.
TELEPHONE RINGS SCREAMING Oh, God! I'm-I'm sorry for the surprise visit.
Do you know, I don't have a number for any of you.
Who are you? I'm James, I'm your landlord.
What the fuck is going on? This is James our landlord, apparently.
I have got a leather sofa for you.
We don't need a leather sofa, we've got a sofa.
Yeah, but you're not gonna want to turn it down when you see it.
We don't have room for another sofa.
OK, well, just come out to the van and take a look before you make your mind up.
Why are you trying to flog us a sofa? I'm not trying to "flog" it to you, fuck sa I'm tryna, tryna give it to you for free.
No, thank you.
What's going on? HE SIGHS No, they don't want it.
I don't know, not enough room, apparently.
Look, just st-st-st Stay in the van, and we'll dump it at number 32.
Because I think the tenants are on holiday.
Do I know you? You present Dodgy Dealers.
Yeah, that's the one, yeah.
Giving Ripped-off Britain a right to reply.
Well, while you're here, can you take a look at the damp on the wall.
Yeah, I-I think that will just clear up by itself, to be honest.
I don't think it will.
Eh? Well, can't you girls see it as like, bohemian? Like you're a group of artists in The East Village in the '70s? Splattering canvasses with your own blood? - Well, I No.
- MOBILE PHONE RINGS Fine, well, I'll I'll speak to my business partner, get 'em to come round at the weekend, take a look.
Hello? Yeah.
No, I want to keep it out of court.
Yeah, well, it's a roof, you know, yeah, well, roofs sag, don't they? You know, they do, yeah.
Why is the presenter of Dodgy Dealers in our house? He's our landlord.
I've got to go.
Good luck with your interview.
- Have you got your sandwich? - Yes.
Love you.
You look great.
I'm so nervous.
I should probably go.
The actual interview isn't until midday, but I want to familiarise myself with the location.
It's seven.
Yeah, but.
You can never be too prepared.
It's one of the most prestigious companies in the world.
Look, don't be afraid to eat this mid-morning because you talk Too fast when I'm hungry, I know.
Deep breaths.
THEY EXHALE You're gonna be great! Call me when you're done.
Love you.
Love you.
Good luck with the interview.
No leafleting today? No shifts.
Doing job applications.
Look at you in your corporate wardrobe.
I never thought I'd see the day when you were out of leggings.
I know.
How does it feel? I can't believe it's every day like this forever.
I am so tired every lunchtime.
And I look at the clock and there's five more hours to go.
But, at least Ugh.
I wish I could do what you've done.
Which is? Give up my dreams and sell out for an ASOS wardrobe.
What's in today's? Marmite and lettuce.
It's all we had in the fridge.
See ya later.
MUSIC: Rhapsody in Blue MUSIC: 7h du Matin by Jacqueline Taieb March 1979.
My mum gets a job at Peter Jones as a Saturday girl.
The John Lewis lineage in my family begins.
My first week at university.
To make my room in halls feel like home, I pack a dressing gown, bedding and a pair of mugs, all from John Lewis.
And guess what? It feels like home.
John Lewis and its products have walked me through womanhood, and this is one of the many reasons I feel qualified for a career here.
From the shop floor, to head office.
I'm now going to talk you through what I love about each and every department.
First, the very fabric of the company .
PHONE VIBRATES MUSIC: Kickstarts by Example .
And I don't want to let you down Kick-kickstarts again Start to think it could be fizzling out Kinda shocked because I never really had ♪ RADIO: What's happening, guys? You're listening to Kit Roberts.
I want you to get in touch with the show, text us in on 85628.
I want hear your stories about how you met your loved one.
after this, Love At First Sight by Kylie Minogue.
OK, let's start again.
Five, six, seven and Thought I was going crazy Just having one of those days, yeah Didn't know what to do Then there was you ♪ LAUGHTER What are you doing, you freak?! I told you we were practising our dance.
You can't take over the living room.
And Mum is going to kill you if she knows you've been eating in here.
- It's just crisps.
- Oh, get out! No! My Bat Mitzvah is in two weeks and we need to rehearse.
Samuel, are any of your friends coming? A couple, why? - She means is Dan coming? - I dunno.
Can you text him and ask? No.
I'll give you £10.
You haven't got £10.
Yes, I have, you stupid fat head - its my birthday money from Grandma.
And I'll give you £5 if he comes.
TEXT ALERT PINGS Yeah, he's coming.
THEY SQUEAL Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We can't do the dance if Dan's going to be there.
- Can we not? - No, because we will look like losers and we will die.
We will literally die.
THEY SQUEAL What have I said about eating crisps in the no food room? Mum, I SONG CONTINUES Cos, baby, when I ♪ And good morning to you.
Hey, babe, how'd you get on? Does it annoy you that Birdy's here a lot? No? Is she here a lot? Yeah.
Like, three times a week.
Then Nathan's at ours three times a week.
I barely noticed.
I think they just go straight into his room to eat stir-fries and watch The OC or whatever it is they do.
She invited him round the other night without telling any of us.
We were in the middle of learning a dance.
What for? Not for anything.
Are you gonna perform it anywhere? No.
So then, what was the point? You're being a snob.
I'm sorry I like to have fun.
I'm sorry I don't like to sit around listening to miserable songs by The Cookie Monster.
OK, his name is Tom Waits.
And I'm not being a snob, I'm just telling you not to do that dance in public anywhere.
Cos I don't want people to laugh at you, Maggie.
Because I'm very protective of you.
God, you're such a twat.
HE SCOFFS Where are you going? Home.
I've got to write.
This is for you.
What is it? Some songs I thought you might like.
A mix tape? Yeah.
So now you can listen to some actual music.
If you think I'm such a dumb bitch, why do you keep sleeping with me? Because you're so fit and it drives me mental.
So you don't fancy me because of my personality? Maggie, I fancy you in spite of your personality.
I can stay a bit longer.
WHISPERS: Say it again.
WHISPERS: You're a dumb bitch.
You're a hot dumb bitch with a shit personality.
How did it go? - Rubbish.
- They turned me down on the spot.
Oh, no - why? I don't know.
Something about "wrong energy for the counter", I dunno.
I'm so, so sorry, little bird.
It's OK.
Right, I'm about to come home.
Me and Nell are gonna make commiseration fajitas, I'll take you to the pub, and then we can basically just stay there all weekend.
Aw, that's so nice of you, erm, but Nathan's gonna cook me dinner tonight.
You should join us.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
With Street.
I mean, I-I don't think Nathan and Street have ever actually shared a meal together but, yeah, yeah, let's do it.
Let me know what I can pick up.
OK, perfect.
I'll let Nathan know.
OK, great.
Love you.
Bye, love you.
You guys know each other.
Yeah, sorry to hear about the job.
It's OK.
What have you guys been doing today? Nothing much really, just, hung out.
We worked out how many CDs we could balance on Maggie's nipples.
Cool! How many? Only like, one on each.
Well, yeah, but then we got them really, really cold and it was two on each.
What are you cooking? Er, recipe from a Mr Jamie Oliver.
The patron saint to all heterosexual men.
LAUGHS There you go.
Well, at least they gave you clear feedback.
Yeah, yeah.
And they said they'd keep me in mind for other roles.
And it will all be worth it when we finally have jobs.
We will never take them for granted.
What? We want work, we get work, then we resent work.
That's how it goes.
15 Minute Meals, my fuckin' arse, more like hour and a half beef fuckin' stroganoff.
This looks amazing! - Thank you, Nathan.
- Yeah, thanks, mate.
Well, help yourself, I've gotta go to cook the rice.
Maybe I shouldn't have done the presentation.
Are you kidding? You definitely should have done the presentation.
The presentation was knockout.
How do you know? She showed me.
It was quality.
Well, fuck those guys.
They weren't right for you.
Fuck them! And another toast.
To our one-month anniversary.
One month since what? Our first date.
We have you guys to thank for it, really.
I am so sorry the present didn't arrive on time.
Oh, it's OK, baby.
Isn't an anniversary a year? Uh-huh.
That beef was really chewy.
It was perfect.
I've got an idea.
Let's open The Vault.
No, no, no, no, I don't think so.
Er, what's The Vault? The Vault is this metaphorical thing we open.
We throw in our darkest thoughts, then we close The Vault and we're never allowed to mention what was put in it.
Until we reopen The Vault.
Oooh, I like the sound of this.
No, the, the Vault should only be opened with very old friends who have known each other for a very long time.
I think we should do it.
I declare The Vault officially open! Nathan, why don't you go first.
Start us off with something light.
Um Oh, God, this is hard, isn't it? Er, OK.
I hate all art.
I hate galleries.
All of 'em OK, perfect, great one to get us rolling.
Birdy, your go.
No, I-I-I can't think of one.
- Yes, you can.
- No, no, I can't.
I've got one for you.
You don't like it when men say they're feminists.
I didn't say, I didn't say that.
Yes, you did.
And you also said you hate it when they act like they think sexual harassment's the worst thing, when really we know they think murder is the worst thing.
I don't remember saying that.
I do.
Because I think it's one of the best things you've ever said.
I think that all women should have the same opportunities and rights as men.
I'll be sad if you were murdered.
Oh, yeah, how sad? Well, I probably wouldn't cry at the time, but then like years later when someone really important to me would die, like my mum or Elvis Costello, well, I'd be devastated and I'd realise that I'm actually crying about that murdered Maggie girl, too.
That is romantic.
Maybe I should have only cooked it for the actual 15 minutes.
BANGING AND MOANING THROUGH THE WALL That's quite an interesting vibe they've got going there.
I know.
Let's drown them out.
73 billion years after the Big Bang what happens? Well, the universe shrinks, the universe gets hotter and hotter and hotter.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
When's my month anniversary present coming? That is my worst nightmare.
I know.
Mine, too.
That's what I like about you.
It's simple.
Just fun.
"Just fun?" Yeah.
It's great.
I love it.
You're just a dumb bitch who asks for nothing.
What? Oh, come on, Maggie, that turned you on a few hours ago.
It's fine.
OK, I know it's not, but I'm choosing to ignore the subtext.
MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield Maggie.
You have to talk to him.
No, you talk to him.
I'll stand with you, but I can't talk.
OK, fine.
You look amazing, like, literally like a model.
So, do you? Hey, Dan.
- Who, are you? - I'm Maggie.
How do you know my name? We've met before, at, er, Samuel's birthday party.
We haven't.
We have.
I'd remember you.
Really? Yeah, I'd definitely remember a lanky minger with no tits.
The call it Camden Breakfast, apparently.
Really? I have never heard of it.
Specific to the region.
I think we should have it every day.
Are you OK? Yeah, fine, why? You just didn't seem like yourself last night.
Are you joking? I was worried because you didn't seem like yourself.
Really? Why? You just seemed wiggy.
What? I was worried because I thought you seemed wiggy.
Like how? Like, you were acting like my cousin.
- Like Dennis? - No, not my actual cousin, I mean, you were acting so formal and proper with me, like, we didn't know each other that well.
I was fine.
Are you fine? I'm great.
As long as you're OK.
Stop say I'm fine.
Great! LAUGHTER Nathan's great.
Such a good host.
You and Street are a great couple.
So full of beans.
You weren't pissed off with me opening The Vault, were you? - Not at all.
- Right, well we should get going, we'll be late for Nell and Amara.
Oh, did I not say? I-I-I can't come.
Why, what are you doing? I'm watching Nathan play 5-a-side.
Aww! Hey! - Permission to open The Vault.
- Permission denied.
Why? Because you violated the rules of the Vault.
Like when? Like last time we opened it, just the two of us and then the next day Amara asks if it's true I hate all white men who teach martial arts.
Oh, come on, she normally keeps it to herself.
That's not a Vault thing.
Hi, guys.
So, I see you're here on the Groupon deal, erm, which I'm sure you're aware entitles you to one sandwich each, but if you wanted to order anything else off the menu, then you are welcome to pay the surplus.
Just another round, then, I'm guessing.
Lovely, thank you.
I know.
OK, Vault opened.
I hate The Beatles.
They bum me out.
I will leave the room if someone plays them.
BUT, I wish I could buy, like, a flat-pack of information about their music and have someone assemble it in my brain, so I'd know what to say when fit men talk about them.
I don't like Australian people.
If you want to talk about Nathan, we can just talk about Nathan.
This is nothing to do with Nathan.
I wasn't even thinking about him.
I just hate that because there's so much beach there, they think they're like this relaxed, horny country, when they're not even that fun.
So you can surf, so what? That doesn't replace having a personality.
And the way they go on about the weather like it's an achievement.
I think it's pathetic it's sunny there all the time.
It should be cold sometimes.
Like, grow up and face reality maybe? And the way they're always saying.
"no worries, no worries.
" Sometimes, it is worries.
Sometimes, it's good to be worried about things.
You finished? Yeah.
Here we are.
You're dribbling.
I GIGGLING It's him, it's him.
Oh, my God! What did I miss? We couldn't see any of his photos on his profile, so we found his nan.
Does it say if he's single? Does it say where he lives? DOORBELL RINGS Love his jacket.
Hey, I'm here about the damp.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's in the kitchen just through here.
Do you mind if I leave you to it? Our favourite programme's about to start.
Yeah, it's fine.
POP MUSIC PLAYS She makes us watch the news.
She can do this for us.
This is going to be a good episode as well, I think.
Me too.
I think Jade and Kyle might get back together.
Do you? POP MUSIC PLAYS I would fuck Kyle Kudos to pieces.
No way.
I know he's rank as a genre of person but he is objectively buff.
You have to admit it.
I just don't think I could ever be sexually intimate with someone who thinks it's, like, a groovy vibe to wear rosary beads and order a bottle of vodka with a sparkler in it.
Maggie, can you not talk shit about my man, please? Hi.
As much as I enjoy spending my Saturday night in a graduate house-share looking at damp, I'd like to get this sorted.
How long's the stain been there? Since we moved in, just over a month ago.
OK, I'll rent you a dehumidifier.
TELEVISION: I don't want him to embarrass himself.
I know, that's the thing.
Well, we are.
Because that's the only thing that gets rid of damp.
80 quid a week.
Same one we used at number 14.
And then, they'll get off our backs.
Yeah? Well, I'm about to do it now and I'm going to use your card details, so it doesn't matter if you agree with me or not because you are not in Cunt.
Was that our landlord? Yeah, ex-husband.
So, what do you think of the new girl? Like her.
Like her but don't think she's a romantic interest.
What is she, then? Comic relief.
She's like mustard.
You just want a little bit on the side.
She's like the relish of the whole show.
She's there to brings out the flavour of the sausage.
Right, so who's the sausage? Kyle, obviously.
Do you work in TV? She watches TV.
I write about TV.
Where? My blog.
I make this show.
You do not! I do.
I'm the executive producer.
We are obsessed with Heirs and Graces.
I can see that.
I've reviewed the past two series.
Please, could I send them to you? I would love for you to read them.
And if you ever need anyone to do anything - make tea, send emails, brush Bohemia's hair - I would love to do it.
I can send you my CV.
Where are you working, now? I work in sales.
What's your star sign? Virgo.
Rising? Gemini.
Moon? Taurus.
She's moon in Taurus.
Why don't you come into the offices on Monday? Yes! Just for a chat.
Purple Turtle Productions, late afternoon.
I'd love that.
The dehumidifier will be here tomorrow, you spoilt brats.
Thank you.
What's your name? Maggie.
See, incred.
Oh, for God's sake! That has never ever happened ever before.
She took a chance on me.
She didn't take a chance on you! She took a chance on me, kid.
Hello, reception.
Yes, of course.
You can go through.
Is it just down ? Yeah, straight ahead.
So, I read your blog.
Your TV reviews are great.
Your observations really made me laugh.
Thank you.
Some of that stuff though dates right back.
Yeah, yeah, I need to delete a load of it.
Hmm, yeah.
You should.
All those girl about town feels a bit fat and wants a boyfriend stories made me feel sad.
And sad not just to be a woman but like to be alive, you know? I do know, yeah.
So, tell me why you like the show.
Because it's real.
It's easy to slag these shows off but I think we're going to look back on them in the future and think they're kind of extraordinary because they don't have an ending.
Their lives and relationships continue, after the director shouts cut.
Imagine finishing Casablanca and knowing a beautiful friendship really did just begin.
That those two guys are out there, somewhere in Morocco.
Little old men, propping up a bar.
Imagine how much more interested you'd be in that story.
Except not Casablanca because that film is so boring.
I don't understand how a film could be so, so boring.
OK, right.
I'm going to give you an episode of Heirs and Graces to story-produce and we'll take it from there.
Really? Yeah.
I actually can't believe I'm doing this.
Neither can I.
You start on Wednesday at 10am.
Oh, and don't come dressed like that.
Like what? Like that.
Like the ex-wife of a French Prime Minister.
Like an Anita Pallenberg drag act.
Just, you know, come cazh.
PHONE RINGS It's Roisin.
SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY I'm feeling sexy and free Like glitter's raining on me You're like a shot of pure gold I think I'm about to explode I can taste the tension like a cloud of smoke in the air Now, I'm breathing like I'm running Cos you're taking me there Don't you know You spin me out of control Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh We can do this all night.
♪ Hi! Damn, this love is skin tight Baby, come on.
♪ Guess what? What is this? We're using the dehumidifier as a wind-machine.
How did it go? - She gave me the job! - Shut up! As what? A story producer.
What does that mean? I don't even know! ALL: Ah! Where's Birdy? I haven't been able to get hold of her.
Think she's still at work.
We need to go out dancing.
We need to celebrate.
On a Monday? Yes! Oh, by the way, come see what arrived for Birdy, today.
Who's it from? Who'd you think? SOBBING He's not even that fit.
Do you think it's true? Do you think people think I'm ugly? No, you're beautiful.
I've never even thought that I might be ugly before, but .
maybe I am.
You're not.
Boys our age just don't get us, Maggie, but one day, they will.
Will they? Yes, stop crying.
I want us to do the Macarena.
The dance.
What? The routine, we should do it.
What about the boys? Who cares.
They couldn't pull either of us anyway.
Yeah, and we hate them anyway, don't we? Yeah, we hate them.
Hiya! Hi! Hi! This came for you.
Oh, my God.
SHE LAUGHS What does it say? Thank you for the best month of my life.
Here's to many more, love, Nathan, two kisses.
I just can't believe it.
Isn't he so cute? I'm just in shock.
It's massive.
Maggie's got some good news.
Yeah? Yeah, I've been offered a job.
Story Producer on Heirs and Graces.
Mags, you got a job in television.
You've been dreaming of this for years.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Get changed, we're going out.
Great, great.
SHE GROWLS Where we going to put it? Not in here.
In your room.
It's like gold dust You hear me coming through your speakers You see me mashing up your airwaves I know you can't get enough of my sound There's no place to hurt yourself He fight, I'm going to get it Tallest running for me Baby, you're going to regret it I can't understand why you can't free yourself Or let it go, go, go, go Got you in my palm Now, listen good You can't escape it Bring you to my world and hold you See if you can take it Don't you be afraid I know you're strong enough to make it go, go, go, go It's like gold dust You hear me coming through ♪ MUSIC: Love At First Sight By Kylie Minogue Thought that I was going crazy Just having one of those days, yeah Didn't know what to do Then, there was you And everything went from wrong to right And the stars came out filled up the sky The music you were playing really blew my mind It was love at first sight Cos, baby, when I heard you For the first time, I knew We were meant to be as one Was tired of running out of luck Thinking about giving up, yeah Didn't know what to do Then, there was you And everything went from wrong to right And the stars came out filled up the sky The music you were playing really blew my mind It was love at first sight Cos, baby, when I heard you For the first time, I knew We were meant to be as one Meant to be as one Cos, baby, when I heard you For the first time, I knew We were meant to be as one.

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