Everything Sucks! (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
All That and a Bag of Chips
1 Oh, you seem to be sincere and good.
How strange it is that we meet and now we must part.
That is the way of the world.
May I kiss you, my fair lady? [EXHALES.]
All right, that's it for today.
Good work, everyone.
Let's try and be off book by tomorrow.
[GIRL.]
Yeah! [OLIVER WHISTLES.]
Oliver, wait.
Wow.
That was some kiss, huh? I don't know what she sees in him.
Maybe his mouth tastes good.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
Like raspberry Warheads and cigarettes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Um okay.
Hey, wait.
I realize that all of this may feel really sudden, but I just want to let you know I'm happy you said "yes" to going out with me.
I like you a lot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
I like you, too.
[SIGHS.]
I figure now that we're going out and stuff, maybe we could Could what? [EXHALES.]
I don't know kiss? Just to get it out of the way.
No big deal.
Um, yeah.
Cool.
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
I'm really nervous.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
[GASPS.]
- Why did you do that? - I don't know.
What do we do? Um, okay, you take the front, and I'll take the back.
Okay? All right.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Touch it Wanna touch it I wanna touch it Run, Forrest, run! I wanna touch it Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty Touch it! Kitty on my foot And I want to touch it! For lunch today: chicken nuggets.
Hey, Jessica Betts, do you know what part of the chicken the nugget comes from? Uh, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news.
Here now is Principal Messner.
Good morning.
Thanks, Jessica.
Good morning.
Thanks, Jessica.
Good morning.
Due to an incident in the auditorium yesterday after school, the fall production of Uncle Vanya is postponed, indefinitely.
[SCREAMS.]
It would appear that someone pulled the fire alarm, causing severe water damage, leaving the auditorium unfit for use.
And sadly, destroying the beautiful sets, which I know drama club worked so very hard on.
[GIGGLES.]
"Hard on.
" Classic.
I'm asking the guilty party to step forward.
Otherwise, I will be forced to conduct a thorough investigation.
In the meantime, all drama club activities are on hold.
[KATE.]
I am so screwed.
I'm dead.
No, don't worry.
We'll figure this out.
I'll figure this out.
- It isn't.
- Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
[BOY.]
Yes, it is.
[BOY.]
My stepdad rented it.
It makes Species look like Ferngully.
[EXHALES.]
What does? Showgirls.
According to Tyler, Jessie Spano shows her things.
And her pussy.
I mean, she totally does it with the guy from Dune.
Like actual sex! No, it isn't.
[TYLER.]
Yes, it is! [MCQUAID.]
No, it isn't! You haven't seen it.
Why would it be NC-17 if they weren't actually doing it? C-can I borrow it? For research purposes.
Villain! [CHUCKLES.]
[OLIVER SIGHS.]
Duplicity! A two-headed serpent hath crept into our garden! The venomous! The wicked! The A/V club.
I hath looked into the eyes of the devil himself! And now I know his deceitful visage.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
Oliver! What's the problem? Mr.
Messner, this butthole pulled the fire alarm! We saw him after school, completely drenched! - Nab his ass! - Hey! [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
Language.
And get get off the table.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
Luke [SNIFFS.]
is that true? [LUKE.]
Yeah.
[STUDENTS.]
Ooh.
It's true.
It was me.
I did it.
[LAUGHS.]
[OLIVER.]
The villain admits it.
Tonight, all of drama club will toast to the demise of the wretched A/V club.
The absolutely vulgar club.
All right, Oliver.
Just knock it off.
Luke, come with me, pal.
Busted, dick-fart! Hey! That's a detention.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! What? [LAUGHS.]
[SCREAMS.]
What? [STUDENTS.]
Oh! [BELL RINGING.]
Hey.
I need to clear this up.
I am so sorry.
I'll go talk to my dad.
What are you talking about? Don't be silly.
It's taken care of.
Are you in trouble? Oh, detention for a week.
And he's calling my mom later.
It's whatever.
Why are you doing this for me? It's what boyfriends do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, well, thanks! See you later.
It's just one of them days [EXHALES.]
It's just one of them days When I gotta be alone It's just one of them days Don't take it personal Just wanna be all alone Think I treat you right I wanna take some time out To think things through I know it always feels like I'm doing you wrong But I'm so in love with you So understand that I'm only in love You're the only one I need So have no thought that I want to leave And, baby, trust me, please It's just one of them days - [SIZZLES.]
- [YELPS.]
[KNUDSEN.]
Hey! Settle down! I'm gonna make your life a living hell, freshman.
Mrs.
O'Neil, hi, Ken Messner.
Hi, hi.
Sherry's fine.
Won't you come in? Please.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
I tend to overdo it with the sugar.
I'm sure it's perfect.
Thank you.
Will Mr.
O'Neil be joining us? No, is that a problem? Oh, no, not at all.
So, uh, Sherry, I want to make sure you understood that what your son confessed to is serious.
In some situations, tampering with the fire alarm might be considered a felony.
I'm sorry, a what? Yeah, but that's why I wanted to have this chat.
To get a sense of whether this behavior is normal, or Look, I-I don't know what to say, except that this doesn't sound like Luke.
Notice any changes recently? Anything different? No.
Nothing that makes sense of any of this.
Mr.
Messner, I'm raising Luke on my own and with my work, I'm not around as much as I'd like to be, but from where I sit, Luke is a happy, well-adjusted young man.
Or maybe I'm missing something.
I, uh I didn't realize.
You're a single mother.
Single father.
[SIGHS.]
It's hard, right? Ya think? [CHUCKLES.]
And at this age, it's like, we speak different languages.
Uh, da bomb? [LAUGHS.]
All that and a bag of chips? What does that mean? - [CHUCKLES.]
- My favorite is, "Oh, snap.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm here, I say, snap what? Snap my fingers? My insanity? Right? I mean, it's hanging by a thread already, - it won't take much.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Felony.
- God.
- Oh, no, uh, I should be clear.
No one's pressing charges.
You know, it's just my job to tell you these things.
[SIGHS.]
Also, truth be told, uh, my intentions today were somewhat twofold.
Well, since Luke and my daughter Kate are kinda going out.
I wanted to meet you.
Hope you don't mind.
I'm just being a dad.
Wait, really? Luke and your daughter? Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, that's news to me.
I I mean, I knew he liked a girl, but I must seem like the worst parent on Earth right now.
What? Uh, no.
Please, don't think that.
Trust me.
I meet a lot of parents.
After a while, you sort of develop a sixth sense for these things.
You strike me as a great parent.
Really.
I could tell.
Oh, oh, no.
[SNIFFLES.]
Uh sorry.
[EXHALES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
Thank you.
[SNIFFLES.]
Are you okay? Mm [LAUGHS.]
Boy, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Do you wish there were support groups for single parents? I sure do.
I have this meeting, - but if you'd like - Oh.
maybe we could have coffee, uh, tomorrow morning.
We could continue this conversation? Maybe we could start a support group of our own.
Dumb idea.
Shouldn't have said anything.
No, no.
[LAUGHS.]
I like that idea.
It's just, I'm on a transatlantic flight tomorrow.
How about tonight? Sure.
Okay.
It It's a date.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's that.
It's that.
It's that.
["TIL I HEAR IT FROM YOU" BY GIN BLOSSOMS PLAYING.]
I didn't ask They shouldn't have told me Scott Wolf is so Mr.
Bingley.
Leslie, how do you think Mr.
Bingley knew he was in love with Jane? Simple.
He saw her across the dance floor, and that was that.
But true love can be tricky.
This summer at bible camp, I saw Kyle Monaghan across the prayer circle, and I just knew.
We made out, like, all summer.
His tongue was super fat and slippery.
But then on the last day, I walked into confession and I saw him getting a hand job from Leah Kagan! And she doesn't even go to our camp.
[BEEPING.]
That sucks.
[LESLIE.]
Yeah, I was in love with him.
He was just leading me on the entire time.
You're so lucky.
Luke's, like, super in love with you.
Is his tongue super slippery? I bet it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? [OLIVER.]
May I speak to Mr.
Lucas O'Neillius, please? - Speaking.
- This is Ed McMahon.
You've just won a million dollars! Who is this? It's Ed McMahon, asshole! I've got a big-ass check for you.
Just dip it in ketchup and shove it up your butt! Drama club represent, asshole.
[SLAMS PHONE DOWN.]
[SIGHS.]
[STATIC CRACKLES.]
I shot another stupid wedding video today.
[SCOFFS.]
Same speeches, same cake, same chicken dance.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LEROY EXHALES.]
You're looking for something to inspire or stimulate around here? Phew, good luck.
Movie house, second-run blockbuster bullshit.
The nearest record store, halfway to Portland.
The most exotic restaurant in town, it's the freaking Crouton Factory.
- [SHERRY.]
Son? - [LEROY LAUGHS.]
Shit.
Wanna tell me why you pulled the fire alarm at school? I didn't I didn't do it.
Hmm.
Was I not just in the principal's office on your behalf? Mom! Mom, seriously, I was there, but I didn't do it.
Okay.
Well, why did you say you did? I can't tell you.
Luke, I don't know what this game is that you're playing, but I am not interested.
Cut the shit.
Fine.
It was my girlfriend.
She pulled the alarm, but I didn't want to get her in trouble, so I said I pulled the alarm.
[EXHALES.]
Okay, little man.
Thank you for being honest.
You're welcome.
You didn't tell me she said "yes.
" Principal's daughter, huh? Bold.
[SCOFFS.]
I know.
Now, in the future, I would like to hear about those things from you.
We're a team, right? Yeah, we're a team.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
Hello.
[EMALINE.]
Hi.
Is Luke there? Uh, sure, he's right here.
- [WHISPERS.]
I think it's her.
- Oh! - Mom, give it to me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'll be out tonight.
There's a Tombstone in the freezer.
That's morbid.
Hey, how's it going? [EMALINE.]
It's going sexy.
Talk dirty to me, big boy.
Can you please stop calling me? Oh, God, you're making me so wet! Stop calling.
What if there's an emergency? There is an emergency, in my panties.
Oh, Luke! [OLIVER.]
I am your father.
Ugh.
["JUST A DREAM" BY TALULAH GOSH PLAYING.]
I saw a falling star Although I tried to reach that far It always seemed a million miles away Down by the water's edge Collecting shells And holding your hand [BUSY SIGNAL.]
I still remember walking in the sand 'Cause I remember days Gentlemen! Feast your eyes on this! What is it? Twelve-layer dip.
Beans, sour cream, Pace, olives, pickles, cheddar, chicken nuggets.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're welcome.
Honey, Apple Jacks, sliced apple and a second layer of cheddar.
[MCQUAID.]
That's 11 layers.
[TYLER.]
Oh, the top layer's oxygen.
[IMITATING BEAVIS.]
Butter my bunghole.
Should I be worried Kate and I haven't kissed? Dude, it's been two days.
Relax, you're golden.
McQuaid? Well, the average high school relationship lasts for 26 days.
For every year-long relationship, there are an equal number that last less than five minutes.
What does that mean? Kiss or no kiss, your relationship was doomed before it even began.
- Thanks.
- Don't listen to him.
I bet next time you see her, it's gonna be tongue city.
Population Luke.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, what are you doing here? I tried calling, but it was busy.
Oh, uh, this is this is awesome.
I mean, this will be like a normal thing now.
Do Do you want to come in? What? No.
I just came to tell you something.
[TYLER.]
Tell him what? Did she bring a weird snack? She can't She can't come in without a weird snack.
I'm not flexible on this.
[KATE.]
Technically, it's edible.
Mm.
Mm.
Tastes like candle.
Your phone's off the hook.
[PHONE RINGING.]
O'Neil residence? [OLIVER.]
Listen to me, you little jizz mop, don't you ever take the phone off the hook, ever.
Luke, um, I-I think it's for you.
[SCOFFS.]
Who is it? May I ask who's calling? [OLIVER.]
The Grim Reaper.
Uh, th-the Grim Reaper.
It's probably drama club.
They've been prank calling all day.
[OLIVER.]
We're coming for you, Tyler, and Luke and what's the kid's name, with the glasses? - Oh, yeah, McQuaid.
- Don't tell them my name, you idiot! McQuaid, Tyler, Luke.
Monday morning, you are all dead.
We're gonna stab you in the eye.
And then we're gonna stab you in the dick.
- Prepare to die.
- Hang up.
Hang up.
This is exactly what I predicted would happen if you asked Kate out.
- Leave her out of this.
- [TYLER.]
They're gonna kill us.
- What'd they say? - We need to transfer schools.
- I can't get stabbed in the dick! - You think they're for real? War isn't glorious, and there's no shame in running away.
I haven't even lost my virginity.
[CRYING.]
How am I supposed to lose my virginity with no dick? - What do we do? - [MCQUAID.]
I don't know.
Build a bunker, stock up on supplies, change our names.
Sick.
I'm changing mine to Vince.
Who gives a shit? We're doomed! Everybody, stop talking! I have a plan.
Does your mom have any alcohol? ["FIRE WATER BURN" BY BLOODHOUND GANG PLAYING.]
[MCQUAID.]
This is the worst idea.
How do we even know they're here? They're here.
Do you want to put a stop to this or not? Glad I prepared.
[METAL CLANKING.]
What is that? Casserole dish.
No dick-stabbing for me! The roof is on fire Luke, just be yourself.
Charm them, you know you can do that.
Oh, my God.
[EMALINE.]
And I was like: Luke, I am your father.
[CHUCKLES.]
He was so confused, it was so funny.
[CHATTERING.]
[EMALINE.]
Star Wars.
Prank calls my ass.
We gotta kill that kid, Oliver.
For real.
I mean, maybe we can still do the play, right? Maybe? The play's over.
It's a sign.
[JESSICA.]
Then what? We're gonna have to take drama off our college resumes? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! "F" resumes, all right? "F" college, too.
I'm getting the hell out of here as soon as I graduate, if not sooner.
New York city, baby.
Now that the show is canceled, what the hell am I doing wasting my time in Boring? Screw it, I'll leave tomorrow.
- [CHUCKLES.]
What about us? - What about us? [EMALINE.]
I have another year left here.
You're just gonna leave me? Pretty much.
How are we gonna kill him? My cousin's a hitman.
Just saying.
- That's our cue to leave.
- You're right.
No.
Luke, you've got this.
You're so money, and you don't even know it.
[GASPS.]
[CONTINUES PLAYING NOTE.]
["FIRE WATER BURN" BY BLOODHOUND GANG PLAYING.]
Burn, mother Burn Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody say ho - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody say ho - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody say ho - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care
How strange it is that we meet and now we must part.
That is the way of the world.
May I kiss you, my fair lady? [EXHALES.]
All right, that's it for today.
Good work, everyone.
Let's try and be off book by tomorrow.
[GIRL.]
Yeah! [OLIVER WHISTLES.]
Oliver, wait.
Wow.
That was some kiss, huh? I don't know what she sees in him.
Maybe his mouth tastes good.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
Like raspberry Warheads and cigarettes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Um okay.
Hey, wait.
I realize that all of this may feel really sudden, but I just want to let you know I'm happy you said "yes" to going out with me.
I like you a lot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
I like you, too.
[SIGHS.]
I figure now that we're going out and stuff, maybe we could Could what? [EXHALES.]
I don't know kiss? Just to get it out of the way.
No big deal.
Um, yeah.
Cool.
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
I'm really nervous.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
[GASPS.]
- Why did you do that? - I don't know.
What do we do? Um, okay, you take the front, and I'll take the back.
Okay? All right.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Touch it Wanna touch it I wanna touch it Run, Forrest, run! I wanna touch it Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty Touch it! Kitty on my foot And I want to touch it! For lunch today: chicken nuggets.
Hey, Jessica Betts, do you know what part of the chicken the nugget comes from? Uh, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news.
Here now is Principal Messner.
Good morning.
Thanks, Jessica.
Good morning.
Thanks, Jessica.
Good morning.
Due to an incident in the auditorium yesterday after school, the fall production of Uncle Vanya is postponed, indefinitely.
[SCREAMS.]
It would appear that someone pulled the fire alarm, causing severe water damage, leaving the auditorium unfit for use.
And sadly, destroying the beautiful sets, which I know drama club worked so very hard on.
[GIGGLES.]
"Hard on.
" Classic.
I'm asking the guilty party to step forward.
Otherwise, I will be forced to conduct a thorough investigation.
In the meantime, all drama club activities are on hold.
[KATE.]
I am so screwed.
I'm dead.
No, don't worry.
We'll figure this out.
I'll figure this out.
- It isn't.
- Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
[BOY.]
Yes, it is.
[BOY.]
My stepdad rented it.
It makes Species look like Ferngully.
[EXHALES.]
What does? Showgirls.
According to Tyler, Jessie Spano shows her things.
And her pussy.
I mean, she totally does it with the guy from Dune.
Like actual sex! No, it isn't.
[TYLER.]
Yes, it is! [MCQUAID.]
No, it isn't! You haven't seen it.
Why would it be NC-17 if they weren't actually doing it? C-can I borrow it? For research purposes.
Villain! [CHUCKLES.]
[OLIVER SIGHS.]
Duplicity! A two-headed serpent hath crept into our garden! The venomous! The wicked! The A/V club.
I hath looked into the eyes of the devil himself! And now I know his deceitful visage.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
Oliver! What's the problem? Mr.
Messner, this butthole pulled the fire alarm! We saw him after school, completely drenched! - Nab his ass! - Hey! [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
Language.
And get get off the table.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
Luke [SNIFFS.]
is that true? [LUKE.]
Yeah.
[STUDENTS.]
Ooh.
It's true.
It was me.
I did it.
[LAUGHS.]
[OLIVER.]
The villain admits it.
Tonight, all of drama club will toast to the demise of the wretched A/V club.
The absolutely vulgar club.
All right, Oliver.
Just knock it off.
Luke, come with me, pal.
Busted, dick-fart! Hey! That's a detention.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! What? [LAUGHS.]
[SCREAMS.]
What? [STUDENTS.]
Oh! [BELL RINGING.]
Hey.
I need to clear this up.
I am so sorry.
I'll go talk to my dad.
What are you talking about? Don't be silly.
It's taken care of.
Are you in trouble? Oh, detention for a week.
And he's calling my mom later.
It's whatever.
Why are you doing this for me? It's what boyfriends do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, well, thanks! See you later.
It's just one of them days [EXHALES.]
It's just one of them days When I gotta be alone It's just one of them days Don't take it personal Just wanna be all alone Think I treat you right I wanna take some time out To think things through I know it always feels like I'm doing you wrong But I'm so in love with you So understand that I'm only in love You're the only one I need So have no thought that I want to leave And, baby, trust me, please It's just one of them days - [SIZZLES.]
- [YELPS.]
[KNUDSEN.]
Hey! Settle down! I'm gonna make your life a living hell, freshman.
Mrs.
O'Neil, hi, Ken Messner.
Hi, hi.
Sherry's fine.
Won't you come in? Please.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
I tend to overdo it with the sugar.
I'm sure it's perfect.
Thank you.
Will Mr.
O'Neil be joining us? No, is that a problem? Oh, no, not at all.
So, uh, Sherry, I want to make sure you understood that what your son confessed to is serious.
In some situations, tampering with the fire alarm might be considered a felony.
I'm sorry, a what? Yeah, but that's why I wanted to have this chat.
To get a sense of whether this behavior is normal, or Look, I-I don't know what to say, except that this doesn't sound like Luke.
Notice any changes recently? Anything different? No.
Nothing that makes sense of any of this.
Mr.
Messner, I'm raising Luke on my own and with my work, I'm not around as much as I'd like to be, but from where I sit, Luke is a happy, well-adjusted young man.
Or maybe I'm missing something.
I, uh I didn't realize.
You're a single mother.
Single father.
[SIGHS.]
It's hard, right? Ya think? [CHUCKLES.]
And at this age, it's like, we speak different languages.
Uh, da bomb? [LAUGHS.]
All that and a bag of chips? What does that mean? - [CHUCKLES.]
- My favorite is, "Oh, snap.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm here, I say, snap what? Snap my fingers? My insanity? Right? I mean, it's hanging by a thread already, - it won't take much.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Felony.
- God.
- Oh, no, uh, I should be clear.
No one's pressing charges.
You know, it's just my job to tell you these things.
[SIGHS.]
Also, truth be told, uh, my intentions today were somewhat twofold.
Well, since Luke and my daughter Kate are kinda going out.
I wanted to meet you.
Hope you don't mind.
I'm just being a dad.
Wait, really? Luke and your daughter? Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, that's news to me.
I I mean, I knew he liked a girl, but I must seem like the worst parent on Earth right now.
What? Uh, no.
Please, don't think that.
Trust me.
I meet a lot of parents.
After a while, you sort of develop a sixth sense for these things.
You strike me as a great parent.
Really.
I could tell.
Oh, oh, no.
[SNIFFLES.]
Uh sorry.
[EXHALES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
Thank you.
[SNIFFLES.]
Are you okay? Mm [LAUGHS.]
Boy, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Do you wish there were support groups for single parents? I sure do.
I have this meeting, - but if you'd like - Oh.
maybe we could have coffee, uh, tomorrow morning.
We could continue this conversation? Maybe we could start a support group of our own.
Dumb idea.
Shouldn't have said anything.
No, no.
[LAUGHS.]
I like that idea.
It's just, I'm on a transatlantic flight tomorrow.
How about tonight? Sure.
Okay.
It It's a date.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's that.
It's that.
It's that.
["TIL I HEAR IT FROM YOU" BY GIN BLOSSOMS PLAYING.]
I didn't ask They shouldn't have told me Scott Wolf is so Mr.
Bingley.
Leslie, how do you think Mr.
Bingley knew he was in love with Jane? Simple.
He saw her across the dance floor, and that was that.
But true love can be tricky.
This summer at bible camp, I saw Kyle Monaghan across the prayer circle, and I just knew.
We made out, like, all summer.
His tongue was super fat and slippery.
But then on the last day, I walked into confession and I saw him getting a hand job from Leah Kagan! And she doesn't even go to our camp.
[BEEPING.]
That sucks.
[LESLIE.]
Yeah, I was in love with him.
He was just leading me on the entire time.
You're so lucky.
Luke's, like, super in love with you.
Is his tongue super slippery? I bet it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? [OLIVER.]
May I speak to Mr.
Lucas O'Neillius, please? - Speaking.
- This is Ed McMahon.
You've just won a million dollars! Who is this? It's Ed McMahon, asshole! I've got a big-ass check for you.
Just dip it in ketchup and shove it up your butt! Drama club represent, asshole.
[SLAMS PHONE DOWN.]
[SIGHS.]
[STATIC CRACKLES.]
I shot another stupid wedding video today.
[SCOFFS.]
Same speeches, same cake, same chicken dance.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LEROY EXHALES.]
You're looking for something to inspire or stimulate around here? Phew, good luck.
Movie house, second-run blockbuster bullshit.
The nearest record store, halfway to Portland.
The most exotic restaurant in town, it's the freaking Crouton Factory.
- [SHERRY.]
Son? - [LEROY LAUGHS.]
Shit.
Wanna tell me why you pulled the fire alarm at school? I didn't I didn't do it.
Hmm.
Was I not just in the principal's office on your behalf? Mom! Mom, seriously, I was there, but I didn't do it.
Okay.
Well, why did you say you did? I can't tell you.
Luke, I don't know what this game is that you're playing, but I am not interested.
Cut the shit.
Fine.
It was my girlfriend.
She pulled the alarm, but I didn't want to get her in trouble, so I said I pulled the alarm.
[EXHALES.]
Okay, little man.
Thank you for being honest.
You're welcome.
You didn't tell me she said "yes.
" Principal's daughter, huh? Bold.
[SCOFFS.]
I know.
Now, in the future, I would like to hear about those things from you.
We're a team, right? Yeah, we're a team.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
Hello.
[EMALINE.]
Hi.
Is Luke there? Uh, sure, he's right here.
- [WHISPERS.]
I think it's her.
- Oh! - Mom, give it to me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'll be out tonight.
There's a Tombstone in the freezer.
That's morbid.
Hey, how's it going? [EMALINE.]
It's going sexy.
Talk dirty to me, big boy.
Can you please stop calling me? Oh, God, you're making me so wet! Stop calling.
What if there's an emergency? There is an emergency, in my panties.
Oh, Luke! [OLIVER.]
I am your father.
Ugh.
["JUST A DREAM" BY TALULAH GOSH PLAYING.]
I saw a falling star Although I tried to reach that far It always seemed a million miles away Down by the water's edge Collecting shells And holding your hand [BUSY SIGNAL.]
I still remember walking in the sand 'Cause I remember days Gentlemen! Feast your eyes on this! What is it? Twelve-layer dip.
Beans, sour cream, Pace, olives, pickles, cheddar, chicken nuggets.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're welcome.
Honey, Apple Jacks, sliced apple and a second layer of cheddar.
[MCQUAID.]
That's 11 layers.
[TYLER.]
Oh, the top layer's oxygen.
[IMITATING BEAVIS.]
Butter my bunghole.
Should I be worried Kate and I haven't kissed? Dude, it's been two days.
Relax, you're golden.
McQuaid? Well, the average high school relationship lasts for 26 days.
For every year-long relationship, there are an equal number that last less than five minutes.
What does that mean? Kiss or no kiss, your relationship was doomed before it even began.
- Thanks.
- Don't listen to him.
I bet next time you see her, it's gonna be tongue city.
Population Luke.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, what are you doing here? I tried calling, but it was busy.
Oh, uh, this is this is awesome.
I mean, this will be like a normal thing now.
Do Do you want to come in? What? No.
I just came to tell you something.
[TYLER.]
Tell him what? Did she bring a weird snack? She can't She can't come in without a weird snack.
I'm not flexible on this.
[KATE.]
Technically, it's edible.
Mm.
Mm.
Tastes like candle.
Your phone's off the hook.
[PHONE RINGING.]
O'Neil residence? [OLIVER.]
Listen to me, you little jizz mop, don't you ever take the phone off the hook, ever.
Luke, um, I-I think it's for you.
[SCOFFS.]
Who is it? May I ask who's calling? [OLIVER.]
The Grim Reaper.
Uh, th-the Grim Reaper.
It's probably drama club.
They've been prank calling all day.
[OLIVER.]
We're coming for you, Tyler, and Luke and what's the kid's name, with the glasses? - Oh, yeah, McQuaid.
- Don't tell them my name, you idiot! McQuaid, Tyler, Luke.
Monday morning, you are all dead.
We're gonna stab you in the eye.
And then we're gonna stab you in the dick.
- Prepare to die.
- Hang up.
Hang up.
This is exactly what I predicted would happen if you asked Kate out.
- Leave her out of this.
- [TYLER.]
They're gonna kill us.
- What'd they say? - We need to transfer schools.
- I can't get stabbed in the dick! - You think they're for real? War isn't glorious, and there's no shame in running away.
I haven't even lost my virginity.
[CRYING.]
How am I supposed to lose my virginity with no dick? - What do we do? - [MCQUAID.]
I don't know.
Build a bunker, stock up on supplies, change our names.
Sick.
I'm changing mine to Vince.
Who gives a shit? We're doomed! Everybody, stop talking! I have a plan.
Does your mom have any alcohol? ["FIRE WATER BURN" BY BLOODHOUND GANG PLAYING.]
[MCQUAID.]
This is the worst idea.
How do we even know they're here? They're here.
Do you want to put a stop to this or not? Glad I prepared.
[METAL CLANKING.]
What is that? Casserole dish.
No dick-stabbing for me! The roof is on fire Luke, just be yourself.
Charm them, you know you can do that.
Oh, my God.
[EMALINE.]
And I was like: Luke, I am your father.
[CHUCKLES.]
He was so confused, it was so funny.
[CHATTERING.]
[EMALINE.]
Star Wars.
Prank calls my ass.
We gotta kill that kid, Oliver.
For real.
I mean, maybe we can still do the play, right? Maybe? The play's over.
It's a sign.
[JESSICA.]
Then what? We're gonna have to take drama off our college resumes? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! "F" resumes, all right? "F" college, too.
I'm getting the hell out of here as soon as I graduate, if not sooner.
New York city, baby.
Now that the show is canceled, what the hell am I doing wasting my time in Boring? Screw it, I'll leave tomorrow.
- [CHUCKLES.]
What about us? - What about us? [EMALINE.]
I have another year left here.
You're just gonna leave me? Pretty much.
How are we gonna kill him? My cousin's a hitman.
Just saying.
- That's our cue to leave.
- You're right.
No.
Luke, you've got this.
You're so money, and you don't even know it.
[GASPS.]
[CONTINUES PLAYING NOTE.]
["FIRE WATER BURN" BY BLOODHOUND GANG PLAYING.]
Burn, mother Burn Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody say ho - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody say ho - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody say ho - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Everybody, here we go - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Throw your hands in the air - Ooh-ooh - Come on, party people - Ooh-ooh - Wave 'em like you don't care