F-Troop (1965) s01e02 Episode Script
Don't Look Now but One of Our Cannons Is Missing
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE".]
The end of the Civil War Was near When quite accidentally A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized Retreat And reversed it to victory His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled His proud little Family group While pinning it on Some blood was spilled And so it was planned He'd command F Troop! Where Indian fights Are colorful sights And nobody takes a lickin' Where paleface and redskin Both turn chicken When drilling and fighting Get them down They know their morale Can't droop As long as they all Relax in town Before they resume With a bang and a boom F Troop! [.]
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Ah, you're smiling, Wild Eagle.
Now, you gotta look vicious.
Come on, give us that famous Hekawi war look.
Hekawi not fighters.
We lovers.
Why we always lose in picture? Because we couldn't sell 'em otherwise.
Let Indian win once.
It make good novelty souvenir.
Yeah.
Listen, Wild Eagle, those tomahawks and peace pipes you're making for us are not selling at all.
Hold it.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Not understand.
Make-um unbreakable tomahawk, 90-moon guarantee.
Well, I don't know, but they're not moving.
Now, the blankets are fine.
Everybody loves them.
So we're gonna need some more.
I'd say about, uh, two dozen.
No, no, birds complain they work last three weekends.
If we don't get 'em, we'll lose the season.
They make great gifts for Thanksgiving.
We not celebrate Thanksgivin'.
We celebrate Mishaguna festival, festival of moon.
Festival, huh.
What do you need? Some toothpicks, extra plates? We give you more blankets.
You give us something.
We're partners.
You get half the profits on the blankets.
Much wampum.
Not want profits this time.
Want something more important.
Chief, you name it and you got it.
Our cannon? Wild Eagle wants us to give him our cannon? Not give.
Lend, lend.
They just need it for one night for their moon festival.
That's the only cannon we have.
If Captain Parmenter sees it missing-- How's he gonna find out? We'll take it out after retreat, bring it back in the morning before reveille.
But the cannon's the best protection we have against the Shugs.
What if they attack tonight? They haven't attacked for months.
Now, listen.
Giving an Indian a cannon is practically treason, I won't have anything to do with that.
All right, go on, walk out on me.
Just forget that I saved your life.
Hell, I'll get somebody else to help me.
Maybe a stranger.
He'd do more for me than a long and trusted friend.
And who put that tourniquet on your leg the day the rattlesnake bit you? And who jumped in the day you fell off your horse crossing the river, huh? And who threw the surprise birthday party for you? I'm a rat, a dirty, ungrateful rat.
What time do we move the cannon? Right after retreat.
What about Captain Parmenter? Don't worry.
I'll take care of him.
If he ever sees the cannon-- He won't.
[HOOVES CLOPPING.]
[.]
He's gonna be very busy, very busy.
Hi, fellas.
Wrangler, got a minute? What is it? Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but it's about Captain Parmenter.
Wilton? Poor Wilton.
You know the story of John Alden and Priscilla.
Yes, it's a beautiful story, but what's it got to do with us? Well, it's about this man that was too bashful to court the girl he loved.
I know, but what's it got to do with us? Well Now, look.
Don't ever tell him I told you this, but the captain wants to have dinner with you, and he's-- He's too shy to ask you.
Oh, I'd like that too.
Uh, would you say, at the trading post after retreat tonight? All right, I'll meet him there.
Good girl, Wrangler.
I feel like Cupid shooting little arrows into her heart.
Yeah.
Well, if we don't get Captain Parmenter over to that trading post tonight, the Hekawis are gonna be shooting little arrows into your britches.
We picked these for her, captain.
She'll love 'em.
Give 'em to her at dinnertime.
Well, are you sure she really wants to have dinner with me? Captain, didn't you ever hear the story of John Alden and Priscilla? Yes, but what's that got to do with me? Well, it's a story of a man who was too shy to court the girl he loved.
Oh, then you're John Alden, and she's Miles Standish? Wait a minute.
Doesn't that make me Priscilla? Captain, please, just answer the call of love.
Answer it with flowers.
Gentlemen, the call of duty comes first.
Sound retreat.
All right.
Fall in! Retreat.
Captain, I can't play "Retreat" yet.
Well, I thought you've been taking lessons.
Well, I have.
I learned to play "Dixie.
" That's a Confederate song.
Where did you learn that? Well, I think my teacher's from Georgia.
Well, do the best you can.
Yes, sir.
[TOOTS.]
Fire.
It's good we only do this twice a day.
[WEEPING.]
Brave.
That's what he was, brave.
Young.
Oh, so, so young.
Duffy, show a little respect.
Take off your hat.
Yes, sir.
He and that horse practically grew up together.
I should write a letter to Lincoln.
That's what I'll do.
A letter to Lincoln.
Shut up.
We're outside.
[.]
O'ROURKE: Hyah.
Whoa, right there.
Whoa.
Now, stand still.
All right, move them out.
Well, there's your cannon, chief.
Now you owe me two dozen blankets.
Just one minute.
We've been stuck before by fast-talkin' pale face.
I tell you, boys, this is the real cannon.
It works perfectly.
Me see first.
If not good, me sue.
Oh, me not Sioux.
Me Hekawi.
Me-- Me made funny.
[CHUCKLING.]
Isn't this romantic? Mmm.
Yes, it's like that John Alden and Miles Standish-- Uh, John Alden and Priscilla.
We do moon dance.
Cloud over face of moon.
We shoot cannon at the clouds.
Rocka, mocka, micka, rooma.
[JINGLES.]
Cutum speeches.
Bring on squaws.
Squaws.
Join party.
Oh, Wilton, you're so sweet and so thoughtful and so kind.
[CANNON FIRES.]
Did you feel that? Somewhere between thoughtful and kind, I think the earth moved.
I do thank you for that compliment, but you deserve most of the credit.
Wilton Parmenter, you're a kissin' bearcat.
Come on, now, pucker up.
Yahoo.
Careful, now.
You'll bend my saber.
[JINGLING.]
Keep party going.
You say magic words.
Me fire cannon.
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE TONGUE.]
Make a boom-boom.
Make a boom-boom.
Wilton, you sure don't kiss like a boy from Philadelphia.
[CANNON FIRES.]
Did you feel that? Feel it? My toes are still tingling.
[DRUMS BEATING.]
Make another boom-boom.
Another boom-boom? Yes, make one more boom-boom.
Clouds still cover moon.
You make it.
Me no dance.
Me sit this one out.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Boom-boom.
Good night, Jane.
Good night, Wilton.
[CANNON FIRES.]
Oh, Wilton, you're making history tonight.
Good night, Jane.
[.]
Wild Eagle, we gotta have this cannon right now.
No, you not take.
We have business agreement.
You take cannon back.
You give me two dozen blankets.
I sold 'em.
Then we keep cannon.
Look, if the captain finds it's missing, we're gonna-- Not touch cannon.
We keep for moon festival.
O'ROURKE: You've had your festival.
No, cloud cover moon.
How we have moon festival without moon? What if the Shugs attack us.
Then use bow and arrow like Indian do.
Make contest even.
We keep cannon till moon come out.
We cannot go back without this cannon.
Then not go back.
Get feathers, blanket, join tribes.
This cannon is government property.
Fun is fun, Wild Eagle.
Give us back the cannon.
It's almost time for reveille.
You get cannon after we see moon.
Wild Eagle, we are gonna be court-martialed.
Court-martial? Why'd you have to save my life? Next time I'm drowning, mind your own business.
Hey, Dobbs, wake up.
Huh? Better blow reveille.
Oh.
[BLOWS TRUMPET SLOPPILY.]
[BLOWS REVEILLE.]
[YELLS.]
AGARN: F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.
Excellent, corporal.
You may fire the cannon.
Where's our cannon? Uh, well, sir, you see, sir, we, uh, sent the cannon away, sir.
To have the bore flaminized and the barrel glominated and polished and refurbished.
Oh, how long will that take? I should think about a week, sir.
Here comes Colonel Donnely, sergeant.
Who? Ah, he's from the inspector general's office, sir.
[.]
Captain Parmenter? Yes, sir.
General Ulysses S.
Grant's compliments, sir.
The general is on an inspection tour in this area.
He'll be here by noon tomorrow.
Yes, colonel.
I expect Fort Courage to be in tiptop condition.
Yes, sir.
I'll also expect the customary 18-gun salute for the general.
Where is your cannon, captain? Cannon? Oh, oh.
We sent the cannon out, sir.
We're having the bore framenized and the barrel glominated with polishing and refurbishing.
What? What are you talking about, captain? We sent the cannon to be repaired, sir, so that it would be in first-class condition for the general's visit.
And how did you know the general was going to visit? Well, we have scouts, sir.
We have scouts everywhere.
Well, that cannon better be back here and in perfect shape for General Grant's visit by noon tomorrow.
[.]
If he wants that cannon back by tomorrow at noon, maybe, we'd better skip the framenizing and just glominate it.
[.]
I'm telling you, sarge, if General Grant shows up here and sees they've got our cannon, he'll wipe out Fort Courage, F troop and the Hekawis.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
What are you doing? Ha.
Oh, perfect, perfect.
I salute you, General Grant.
Are you joking? Do you know the penalty for impersonating a general? Do you know the penalty for giving a cannon, U.
S.
government property, to the Indians? I don't wanna do it.
All right.
I'll get a stranger to help me.
He'd do more for me than an old and trusted friend.
Forget the tourniquet that I put on your leg when the rattlesnake bit you.
When the rattle snake bit you.
BOTH: And who jump in the river when you fell off the horse? And who threw the surprise party? All right.
What time will my beard be ready? Saddle your horse, sergeant.
We're going to the gunsmith to fetch back our cannon.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I have to report a most unfortunate incident.
Oh, what's that, sergeant? Well, Agarn was on his way to fetch back our cannon.
Yes? Sneak attack by the Hekawis, sir.
They overpowered him and stole our cannon.
Really? Seven of them with tomahawks, sir.
He's badly hurt.
Then we'll accept the challenge.
Sound the bugle.
We'll attack.
Do you really wanna let blood shed, sir? It's hardly worth it.
I mean, he's going to be all right.
Well, I-- We could negotiate, sir.
Go over there under a flag of truce and bring back our cannon peacefully.
I think we should attack.
Sir, you are already known as the Scourge of the West.
Now, if you were to become known as the Great Peacemaker Just imagine if Washington were to hear of that, it could be Colonel Parmenter, sir.
Do you really think so? I do indeed, Colonel Parmenter.
I'll go see the Hekawis right now.
I think you'd better let me go first, sir.
What, ahead of me? You know how hostile they can be.
There may be snipers.
I mean, we can spare sergeants, but hardly a man who's on his way to becoming a colonel.
Dobbs, Dobbs.
Where's our truce flag? Where's our truce flag? We're gonna go get our cannon back from the Hekawis.
General Grant is coming, and we have to have everything like the inspector general said, tiptop.
Are you sure we should go over there, sir? I mean, there'll only be a handful of us.
Only a handful? What of it? Have you forgotten, Dobbs? They refer to me as the Scourge of the West.
Oh, captain.
Now, listen.
The captain's gonna be here any minute.
Remember that you're supposed to be hostile.
Hostile? Right.
What is hostile? Unfriendly.
No friends.
Why you always make us bad? I keep telling you, Hekawis not fighters.
Lovers, lovers.
And don't say anything about the blankets.
He's pretty mad about you keeping that cannon.
WILD EAGLE: We not give cannon back.
O'ROURKE: I advise you to give it back.
Tell you one thing, General Grant is in the area, and if he ever finds out about this and comes over here.
Ho-ho.
Look out.
PARMENTER: We bring greetings to brave Hekawis.
We come in peace.
Quite friendly.
[SLOWLY.]
Chief Wild Eagle, you have our cannon.
We want cannon back.
No, we keep cannon.
Need cannon for festival.
You give us cannon.
We give you many things.
We trade.
What you trade? First, we offer you magic fire stick.
Look.
Thank you.
Ooh.
You very funny.
We got 100 boxes of magic fire sticks.
What you think, we rub sticks together? Sorry about that.
Well, now, we offer you magic tick-tock.
Listen.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
You take one.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Here, here It does have a better sound than mine.
Now, we offer you rare delicacy.
Small, round, white, tasty Fruit of chicken.
Egg.
You give egg for cannon? Captain, we don't seem to be having very much luck.
Perhaps, we ought to try-- I will not give up.
[HORSE WHINNIES.]
Captain, sir.
Can it be? Yes, it is, sir.
Yes, it is.
General Grant.
What's he doing here? Now? Probably heard about this from one of his scouts.
He's got them everywhere.
At ease.
So.
You are Captain Wilton Parmenter.
At your service, sir.
Well, I bring regard from the president and Mrs.
Lincoln.
Had lunch with them at the White House yesterday.
You were in Washington yesterday? Been riding ever since.
Forty-six hours in the saddle.
Lucky the wind was with me.
General, we seem to have a problem here, sir.
Problem, problem? Yes, the Hekawis have borrowed-- Er, appropriated our cannon, and they won't give it back, sir.
Outrageous.
PARMENTER: Yes, well, I came here to negotiate, sir, and try to get it back, but so far no luck.
General, I thought, perhaps, you might speak to the Hekawis.
Yes.
Yes, I will.
Funny thing happened to me on the way to Appomattox.
Bob and I-- That's General Lee.
Sippin' some sauce.
Like cranberry sauce? [LAUGHING.]
Very good.
You're a-- What's your name again, boy? I forgot.
Wil-- Wilton Parmenter.
Wilton Par-- Well, I like you, Parmenter.
Like you like your saber.
O'ROURKE: General.
The cannon.
Hekawi greet great white general.
And we greetum Hekawi.
Love 'em all.
Love 'em all.
You got our cannon, boy, and you better give it back.
We not gonna give nothing back.
We talk, negotiate, without shouting.
No talk.
I'm a man of action.
Big winner at Gettysburg.
Give that cannon back right now.
Now, general, watch your temper.
Yeah.
Tell 'em about it.
He has a terrible time with his temper.
You not take cannon.
Keep cannon here till festival.
Till moon come.
Then festival over.
No, wait! You give us that cannon right now.
I want my 18-gun salute.
[SLAP.]
Not touch cannon.
Spoil moon festival.
O'ROURKE: General, don't you think that you ought to warn the chief what he's up against.
Your troops, sir.
My what? Your troops, over by the hill.
Oh, yes.
I have 3000 troops by that hill.
You see those shrubs and trees? Every one of them is a soldier.
You ever heard of camouflage, chief? Well, it's up to you if you wanna have your tribe wiped out by 3000 trees-- Uh, soldiers.
WILD EAGLE: I not see soldiers.
You see soldiers by hill? I not see hill.
It's up to you.
You'll see the soldiers.
Are you ready? When I count three, I want all of you trees to charge.
O'ROURKE: Oh, now you've done it.
You've made him mad.
He'll wipe you out.
I not give up cannon.
I not see soldiers.
Number one tree, fire.
[GUNSHOT.]
Listen, it's only a cannon.
Move the cannon to Fort Courage.
Farewell, Roaring Chicken.
Farewell, Wild Eagle.
Captain Parmenter, you have your cannon.
[.]
Farewell, Hekawis, fine feathered friends.
Peace be with you.
Or we'll wipe you out.
Fake.
Cheat.
Indian giver! [MILITARY DRUMMING.]
I know you did it for the good of the troop, but if you ever do it again-- But we did it for you, sir.
We wanted you to be colonel.
General Grant is approaching, sir.
Dobbs.
Dobbs, sound the bugle.
Welcome General Grant.
What should I play, sir? Play, um, "Battle Hymn of the Republic.
" I don't know the one, but if you hum a few bars Hum a few--? [HUMMING "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER".]
Sir, ain't that "Beautiful Dreamer"? [HUMS.]
You're right.
Don't play that.
Play something else.
[PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE".]
Welcome to Fort Courage, General Grant.
Corporal, fire the salute.
He'll never look natural now without an arrow through his hat.
I should have been firmer with Sergeant O'Rourke.
Wilton, there may be a big, fat ol' moon out again tonight.
Corporal Agarn too.
Impersonating an officer.
A general.
We should have us another picnic supper.
Why, I should have thrown the book at them.
Well, I mean, shucks, there's nothing so much fun as a little old picnic.
Any other fort commander would have court-martialed them just like that.
A picnic like we had before? Of course, they did do it for the good of the troop.
Just a little picnic? Well, one thing's for sure.
After the lecture I gave them, it'll be a long time before either of them gets out of the line again.
O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah.
Looks good to me.
What do we call it? Uh How 'bout? How 'bout The End of the Trail? This'll make a great calendar item.
I got better idea.
Oh, what's that? This bigger seller than blanket.
[.]
The end of the Civil War Was near When quite accidentally A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized Retreat And reversed it to victory His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled His proud little Family group While pinning it on Some blood was spilled And so it was planned He'd command F Troop! Where Indian fights Are colorful sights And nobody takes a lickin' Where paleface and redskin Both turn chicken When drilling and fighting Get them down They know their morale Can't droop As long as they all Relax in town Before they resume With a bang and a boom F Troop! [.]
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Ah, you're smiling, Wild Eagle.
Now, you gotta look vicious.
Come on, give us that famous Hekawi war look.
Hekawi not fighters.
We lovers.
Why we always lose in picture? Because we couldn't sell 'em otherwise.
Let Indian win once.
It make good novelty souvenir.
Yeah.
Listen, Wild Eagle, those tomahawks and peace pipes you're making for us are not selling at all.
Hold it.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Not understand.
Make-um unbreakable tomahawk, 90-moon guarantee.
Well, I don't know, but they're not moving.
Now, the blankets are fine.
Everybody loves them.
So we're gonna need some more.
I'd say about, uh, two dozen.
No, no, birds complain they work last three weekends.
If we don't get 'em, we'll lose the season.
They make great gifts for Thanksgiving.
We not celebrate Thanksgivin'.
We celebrate Mishaguna festival, festival of moon.
Festival, huh.
What do you need? Some toothpicks, extra plates? We give you more blankets.
You give us something.
We're partners.
You get half the profits on the blankets.
Much wampum.
Not want profits this time.
Want something more important.
Chief, you name it and you got it.
Our cannon? Wild Eagle wants us to give him our cannon? Not give.
Lend, lend.
They just need it for one night for their moon festival.
That's the only cannon we have.
If Captain Parmenter sees it missing-- How's he gonna find out? We'll take it out after retreat, bring it back in the morning before reveille.
But the cannon's the best protection we have against the Shugs.
What if they attack tonight? They haven't attacked for months.
Now, listen.
Giving an Indian a cannon is practically treason, I won't have anything to do with that.
All right, go on, walk out on me.
Just forget that I saved your life.
Hell, I'll get somebody else to help me.
Maybe a stranger.
He'd do more for me than a long and trusted friend.
And who put that tourniquet on your leg the day the rattlesnake bit you? And who jumped in the day you fell off your horse crossing the river, huh? And who threw the surprise birthday party for you? I'm a rat, a dirty, ungrateful rat.
What time do we move the cannon? Right after retreat.
What about Captain Parmenter? Don't worry.
I'll take care of him.
If he ever sees the cannon-- He won't.
[HOOVES CLOPPING.]
[.]
He's gonna be very busy, very busy.
Hi, fellas.
Wrangler, got a minute? What is it? Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but it's about Captain Parmenter.
Wilton? Poor Wilton.
You know the story of John Alden and Priscilla.
Yes, it's a beautiful story, but what's it got to do with us? Well, it's about this man that was too bashful to court the girl he loved.
I know, but what's it got to do with us? Well Now, look.
Don't ever tell him I told you this, but the captain wants to have dinner with you, and he's-- He's too shy to ask you.
Oh, I'd like that too.
Uh, would you say, at the trading post after retreat tonight? All right, I'll meet him there.
Good girl, Wrangler.
I feel like Cupid shooting little arrows into her heart.
Yeah.
Well, if we don't get Captain Parmenter over to that trading post tonight, the Hekawis are gonna be shooting little arrows into your britches.
We picked these for her, captain.
She'll love 'em.
Give 'em to her at dinnertime.
Well, are you sure she really wants to have dinner with me? Captain, didn't you ever hear the story of John Alden and Priscilla? Yes, but what's that got to do with me? Well, it's a story of a man who was too shy to court the girl he loved.
Oh, then you're John Alden, and she's Miles Standish? Wait a minute.
Doesn't that make me Priscilla? Captain, please, just answer the call of love.
Answer it with flowers.
Gentlemen, the call of duty comes first.
Sound retreat.
All right.
Fall in! Retreat.
Captain, I can't play "Retreat" yet.
Well, I thought you've been taking lessons.
Well, I have.
I learned to play "Dixie.
" That's a Confederate song.
Where did you learn that? Well, I think my teacher's from Georgia.
Well, do the best you can.
Yes, sir.
[TOOTS.]
Fire.
It's good we only do this twice a day.
[WEEPING.]
Brave.
That's what he was, brave.
Young.
Oh, so, so young.
Duffy, show a little respect.
Take off your hat.
Yes, sir.
He and that horse practically grew up together.
I should write a letter to Lincoln.
That's what I'll do.
A letter to Lincoln.
Shut up.
We're outside.
[.]
O'ROURKE: Hyah.
Whoa, right there.
Whoa.
Now, stand still.
All right, move them out.
Well, there's your cannon, chief.
Now you owe me two dozen blankets.
Just one minute.
We've been stuck before by fast-talkin' pale face.
I tell you, boys, this is the real cannon.
It works perfectly.
Me see first.
If not good, me sue.
Oh, me not Sioux.
Me Hekawi.
Me-- Me made funny.
[CHUCKLING.]
Isn't this romantic? Mmm.
Yes, it's like that John Alden and Miles Standish-- Uh, John Alden and Priscilla.
We do moon dance.
Cloud over face of moon.
We shoot cannon at the clouds.
Rocka, mocka, micka, rooma.
[JINGLES.]
Cutum speeches.
Bring on squaws.
Squaws.
Join party.
Oh, Wilton, you're so sweet and so thoughtful and so kind.
[CANNON FIRES.]
Did you feel that? Somewhere between thoughtful and kind, I think the earth moved.
I do thank you for that compliment, but you deserve most of the credit.
Wilton Parmenter, you're a kissin' bearcat.
Come on, now, pucker up.
Yahoo.
Careful, now.
You'll bend my saber.
[JINGLING.]
Keep party going.
You say magic words.
Me fire cannon.
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE TONGUE.]
Make a boom-boom.
Make a boom-boom.
Wilton, you sure don't kiss like a boy from Philadelphia.
[CANNON FIRES.]
Did you feel that? Feel it? My toes are still tingling.
[DRUMS BEATING.]
Make another boom-boom.
Another boom-boom? Yes, make one more boom-boom.
Clouds still cover moon.
You make it.
Me no dance.
Me sit this one out.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Boom-boom.
Good night, Jane.
Good night, Wilton.
[CANNON FIRES.]
Oh, Wilton, you're making history tonight.
Good night, Jane.
[.]
Wild Eagle, we gotta have this cannon right now.
No, you not take.
We have business agreement.
You take cannon back.
You give me two dozen blankets.
I sold 'em.
Then we keep cannon.
Look, if the captain finds it's missing, we're gonna-- Not touch cannon.
We keep for moon festival.
O'ROURKE: You've had your festival.
No, cloud cover moon.
How we have moon festival without moon? What if the Shugs attack us.
Then use bow and arrow like Indian do.
Make contest even.
We keep cannon till moon come out.
We cannot go back without this cannon.
Then not go back.
Get feathers, blanket, join tribes.
This cannon is government property.
Fun is fun, Wild Eagle.
Give us back the cannon.
It's almost time for reveille.
You get cannon after we see moon.
Wild Eagle, we are gonna be court-martialed.
Court-martial? Why'd you have to save my life? Next time I'm drowning, mind your own business.
Hey, Dobbs, wake up.
Huh? Better blow reveille.
Oh.
[BLOWS TRUMPET SLOPPILY.]
[BLOWS REVEILLE.]
[YELLS.]
AGARN: F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.
Excellent, corporal.
You may fire the cannon.
Where's our cannon? Uh, well, sir, you see, sir, we, uh, sent the cannon away, sir.
To have the bore flaminized and the barrel glominated and polished and refurbished.
Oh, how long will that take? I should think about a week, sir.
Here comes Colonel Donnely, sergeant.
Who? Ah, he's from the inspector general's office, sir.
[.]
Captain Parmenter? Yes, sir.
General Ulysses S.
Grant's compliments, sir.
The general is on an inspection tour in this area.
He'll be here by noon tomorrow.
Yes, colonel.
I expect Fort Courage to be in tiptop condition.
Yes, sir.
I'll also expect the customary 18-gun salute for the general.
Where is your cannon, captain? Cannon? Oh, oh.
We sent the cannon out, sir.
We're having the bore framenized and the barrel glominated with polishing and refurbishing.
What? What are you talking about, captain? We sent the cannon to be repaired, sir, so that it would be in first-class condition for the general's visit.
And how did you know the general was going to visit? Well, we have scouts, sir.
We have scouts everywhere.
Well, that cannon better be back here and in perfect shape for General Grant's visit by noon tomorrow.
[.]
If he wants that cannon back by tomorrow at noon, maybe, we'd better skip the framenizing and just glominate it.
[.]
I'm telling you, sarge, if General Grant shows up here and sees they've got our cannon, he'll wipe out Fort Courage, F troop and the Hekawis.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
What are you doing? Ha.
Oh, perfect, perfect.
I salute you, General Grant.
Are you joking? Do you know the penalty for impersonating a general? Do you know the penalty for giving a cannon, U.
S.
government property, to the Indians? I don't wanna do it.
All right.
I'll get a stranger to help me.
He'd do more for me than an old and trusted friend.
Forget the tourniquet that I put on your leg when the rattlesnake bit you.
When the rattle snake bit you.
BOTH: And who jump in the river when you fell off the horse? And who threw the surprise party? All right.
What time will my beard be ready? Saddle your horse, sergeant.
We're going to the gunsmith to fetch back our cannon.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I have to report a most unfortunate incident.
Oh, what's that, sergeant? Well, Agarn was on his way to fetch back our cannon.
Yes? Sneak attack by the Hekawis, sir.
They overpowered him and stole our cannon.
Really? Seven of them with tomahawks, sir.
He's badly hurt.
Then we'll accept the challenge.
Sound the bugle.
We'll attack.
Do you really wanna let blood shed, sir? It's hardly worth it.
I mean, he's going to be all right.
Well, I-- We could negotiate, sir.
Go over there under a flag of truce and bring back our cannon peacefully.
I think we should attack.
Sir, you are already known as the Scourge of the West.
Now, if you were to become known as the Great Peacemaker Just imagine if Washington were to hear of that, it could be Colonel Parmenter, sir.
Do you really think so? I do indeed, Colonel Parmenter.
I'll go see the Hekawis right now.
I think you'd better let me go first, sir.
What, ahead of me? You know how hostile they can be.
There may be snipers.
I mean, we can spare sergeants, but hardly a man who's on his way to becoming a colonel.
Dobbs, Dobbs.
Where's our truce flag? Where's our truce flag? We're gonna go get our cannon back from the Hekawis.
General Grant is coming, and we have to have everything like the inspector general said, tiptop.
Are you sure we should go over there, sir? I mean, there'll only be a handful of us.
Only a handful? What of it? Have you forgotten, Dobbs? They refer to me as the Scourge of the West.
Oh, captain.
Now, listen.
The captain's gonna be here any minute.
Remember that you're supposed to be hostile.
Hostile? Right.
What is hostile? Unfriendly.
No friends.
Why you always make us bad? I keep telling you, Hekawis not fighters.
Lovers, lovers.
And don't say anything about the blankets.
He's pretty mad about you keeping that cannon.
WILD EAGLE: We not give cannon back.
O'ROURKE: I advise you to give it back.
Tell you one thing, General Grant is in the area, and if he ever finds out about this and comes over here.
Ho-ho.
Look out.
PARMENTER: We bring greetings to brave Hekawis.
We come in peace.
Quite friendly.
[SLOWLY.]
Chief Wild Eagle, you have our cannon.
We want cannon back.
No, we keep cannon.
Need cannon for festival.
You give us cannon.
We give you many things.
We trade.
What you trade? First, we offer you magic fire stick.
Look.
Thank you.
Ooh.
You very funny.
We got 100 boxes of magic fire sticks.
What you think, we rub sticks together? Sorry about that.
Well, now, we offer you magic tick-tock.
Listen.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
You take one.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Here, here It does have a better sound than mine.
Now, we offer you rare delicacy.
Small, round, white, tasty Fruit of chicken.
Egg.
You give egg for cannon? Captain, we don't seem to be having very much luck.
Perhaps, we ought to try-- I will not give up.
[HORSE WHINNIES.]
Captain, sir.
Can it be? Yes, it is, sir.
Yes, it is.
General Grant.
What's he doing here? Now? Probably heard about this from one of his scouts.
He's got them everywhere.
At ease.
So.
You are Captain Wilton Parmenter.
At your service, sir.
Well, I bring regard from the president and Mrs.
Lincoln.
Had lunch with them at the White House yesterday.
You were in Washington yesterday? Been riding ever since.
Forty-six hours in the saddle.
Lucky the wind was with me.
General, we seem to have a problem here, sir.
Problem, problem? Yes, the Hekawis have borrowed-- Er, appropriated our cannon, and they won't give it back, sir.
Outrageous.
PARMENTER: Yes, well, I came here to negotiate, sir, and try to get it back, but so far no luck.
General, I thought, perhaps, you might speak to the Hekawis.
Yes.
Yes, I will.
Funny thing happened to me on the way to Appomattox.
Bob and I-- That's General Lee.
Sippin' some sauce.
Like cranberry sauce? [LAUGHING.]
Very good.
You're a-- What's your name again, boy? I forgot.
Wil-- Wilton Parmenter.
Wilton Par-- Well, I like you, Parmenter.
Like you like your saber.
O'ROURKE: General.
The cannon.
Hekawi greet great white general.
And we greetum Hekawi.
Love 'em all.
Love 'em all.
You got our cannon, boy, and you better give it back.
We not gonna give nothing back.
We talk, negotiate, without shouting.
No talk.
I'm a man of action.
Big winner at Gettysburg.
Give that cannon back right now.
Now, general, watch your temper.
Yeah.
Tell 'em about it.
He has a terrible time with his temper.
You not take cannon.
Keep cannon here till festival.
Till moon come.
Then festival over.
No, wait! You give us that cannon right now.
I want my 18-gun salute.
[SLAP.]
Not touch cannon.
Spoil moon festival.
O'ROURKE: General, don't you think that you ought to warn the chief what he's up against.
Your troops, sir.
My what? Your troops, over by the hill.
Oh, yes.
I have 3000 troops by that hill.
You see those shrubs and trees? Every one of them is a soldier.
You ever heard of camouflage, chief? Well, it's up to you if you wanna have your tribe wiped out by 3000 trees-- Uh, soldiers.
WILD EAGLE: I not see soldiers.
You see soldiers by hill? I not see hill.
It's up to you.
You'll see the soldiers.
Are you ready? When I count three, I want all of you trees to charge.
O'ROURKE: Oh, now you've done it.
You've made him mad.
He'll wipe you out.
I not give up cannon.
I not see soldiers.
Number one tree, fire.
[GUNSHOT.]
Listen, it's only a cannon.
Move the cannon to Fort Courage.
Farewell, Roaring Chicken.
Farewell, Wild Eagle.
Captain Parmenter, you have your cannon.
[.]
Farewell, Hekawis, fine feathered friends.
Peace be with you.
Or we'll wipe you out.
Fake.
Cheat.
Indian giver! [MILITARY DRUMMING.]
I know you did it for the good of the troop, but if you ever do it again-- But we did it for you, sir.
We wanted you to be colonel.
General Grant is approaching, sir.
Dobbs.
Dobbs, sound the bugle.
Welcome General Grant.
What should I play, sir? Play, um, "Battle Hymn of the Republic.
" I don't know the one, but if you hum a few bars Hum a few--? [HUMMING "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER".]
Sir, ain't that "Beautiful Dreamer"? [HUMS.]
You're right.
Don't play that.
Play something else.
[PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE".]
Welcome to Fort Courage, General Grant.
Corporal, fire the salute.
He'll never look natural now without an arrow through his hat.
I should have been firmer with Sergeant O'Rourke.
Wilton, there may be a big, fat ol' moon out again tonight.
Corporal Agarn too.
Impersonating an officer.
A general.
We should have us another picnic supper.
Why, I should have thrown the book at them.
Well, I mean, shucks, there's nothing so much fun as a little old picnic.
Any other fort commander would have court-martialed them just like that.
A picnic like we had before? Of course, they did do it for the good of the troop.
Just a little picnic? Well, one thing's for sure.
After the lecture I gave them, it'll be a long time before either of them gets out of the line again.
O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah.
Looks good to me.
What do we call it? Uh How 'bout? How 'bout The End of the Trail? This'll make a great calendar item.
I got better idea.
Oh, what's that? This bigger seller than blanket.
[.]