Fairview (2022) s01e01 Episode Script


1 Ah! Eh! Eh! Ah! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Ah! Eh! Ah! Eh! Eh! Ahhh! Oooo, Glen's rolling around.
This must be good.
- Damn right, Mayor Kelly! I am planning the most epic Super Bowl party ever at my Sports Bar, Cornpepper's, this Sunday.
The vodka luges will have hepatitis A through C.
The football robot, Footbot, will be there.
I manifested it, and therefore it shall happen.
Todd, Director of Public Works, High School Football Coach, are you in? - Yeah, I don't see myself missing out on the highlight of my existence.
Sick! Chelsea, town manager, will you be there?! Football is corrupt, but the only way to change it is from the inside, so I'll be there.
There's nothing that logic can't justify, and it rules! Kelly, the Mayor, bring it home! I am so there, but because I'm mayor, all attendees must either be vaxxed or bring a negative PCR Covid test from the last 24 hours! What the fuck are you talking about?! Oh, and let's make sure the sprinklers work.
And the decorative guns above the bar aren't loaded.
Most of Fairview is unvaxxed.
Covid is out of control.
If you throw that party with no precautions, - it will kill someone.
- That is such an old way of thinking.
We live in Covid Times.
Parties kill people.
I don't know.
There's just something about those corpses overflowing from the Covid Pit combined with our ongoing gun-flavored wage slavery nightmare - that gives me pause.
- Wow.
I can't believe such lameness is coming from the same Kelly Sampson who used to swallow four rum-soaked tampons.
Shove pizza in her mouth before realizing it was 400 degrees.
Then take home the unanimous stupidest guy at the party.
- Kelly.
- You were this town's - brightest shining dumbass.
- God, I miss that dumbass.
We all miss her.
What do you say, Kelly? Ready to throw the most bangin' negligent homicide this town's ever seen? Kelly.
A heads up: I already told Breckman - the party was happening.
- Ugh.
I'll just politely tell him to tell everyone that the party is off.
And I would like you to politely eat my ass! What you are advocating for is government tyranny! What next? Installing cameras in my house to watch me fill my crack with baby powder? You're sick, Kelly Sampson! Any chance you're telling everyone about this party because you own a funeral home and a Super Bowl Sunday genocide would buy you a new Maserati? How dare you.
I would have to be the biggest sociopath in town to think that.
You disgust me.
Oh! Ohh! Cocktails on me, baby! Ooh.
I love you so much.
You guys are sick! Ohh.
So you're not worried people will get Covid at the Covid party? Hell no, and look at the alternative: watching the game here, Beef playing Switch during the national anthem, Grammy graphically describing power bottoming Terry Bradshaw.
I don't love Cornpepper's.
Their only vegetarian option is the mold scraped off the urinal mints.
Ashley being a responsible citizen like I give a shit! Mack and I are going to chill at the Covid Pit.
Bye! He gets cuter every time I punch a cheerleader for looking at me strange, which is every day.
Beef, you forgot Oh, my gawd.
Todd, grab a wet rag and look at this because you're about to shit your pants.
- "Moderna vaccine"? - If we don't set Beef right ASAP, he might do something dangerous like wash his hands! You're the chancellor of Central Fairview University, and you're the What are you? I'm her proud husband and a professor of sleeping in a locked chest next to your wife's bed.
So you two must have advice on how to keep a community safe from Covid.
Here's the key: everyone unvaxxed person is one condescending lecture away from freebasing the vaccine.
You gotta talk to them like children, and if they try to talk, you say, "Mommy's talking.
" - I don't think I wanna do that.
- You're right.
You need to bring in the closer.
Anthony Fauci.
- Touchdown! - Look at him.
One more self-congratulatory TV appearance, and he has this crisis solved.
Oh, I want to lick the screen so bad.
- Let's do it together! - Ohh! It's so nice to forget all society's problems and just be teenagers hanging out on the Covid Pit.
Dude, you think the Covid Pit's haunted? We should have a sleepover on it and find out.
- Yes! - Yes! - Whoa! - Shit! Can you explain this?! Mac is immunocompromised, so I got vaccinated.
I will not see you go down the wrong path.
Now you get in the car.
The seatbelt doesn't work, so if we crash, sit really still.
- I'll see you around.
- See ya, Beef.
Sorry your mom's a psycho queen.
I heard that! Quit trying to suck up to me! Mom, I don't get it.
Why don't we get vaccinated? Are we dumbasses? We're not dumbasses, Beef.
We're different.
You, me, Dad, Ashley, even Grammy.
- What do you mean? - We're total fuckin' idiot assholes.
Deep down, I kind of knew.
Outta the way, you idiot asshole! Times are tough, but some of us have found a way to hold our own and keep our dignity.
Shut up, you fuckin' asshole pieces of shit! Where do you have to be?! Nowhere! - See, Beef? It's in your blood.
- I guess it is.
Hey, you think someone could show me how to be a true total fuckin' idiot asshole? Fine day for a river dredging, isn't it? I know just the guy.
Hey, I know we're just bang buddies and I don't wanna cross any lines, but you didn't seem as into it tonight.
You didn't headbutt one of my molars loose.
Sorry, Jake.
It was disgusting and great as usual.
I know I'm a sexual super athlete.
I'm just so worried this Super Bowl party will make Covid worse.
The hospital's already giving brain-tumor patients an ice-cream scooper and sending them home.
Hey, with everything going on, throwing dumbass parties is all this town's got.
If you cancel it, you will be the town pariah, and Fairview's barbeque king can't associate with that.
Even if I wanted to be the dumbass this town needs, I barely remember how.
I can't even remember the last time I pissed in the bushes in daylight.
That's where we come in.
We're gonna help you every step of the way, no matter what.
- Unless something's good on TV.
- Obviously, Todd.
Or there's a puddle and we need to post it so our followers know that we appreciate everyday miracles.
- We're gonna post that puddle.
- But after that, you're our top priority.
Let's party, this party will kill us so Let's party, no party means we'd live but then there'd be No party And we want to party, so Let's party Don't connect the party to the death Death Party, Loaded Gun Party Someone Coughed, Probably Water Down the Wrong Pipe Party And we'll never stop the party 'cause we refuse To connect the party to the death - Death! Death! Death! Death! - Let's party Water's going down a lot of wrong pipes at this party Don't connect the party to the death Omni fulfillment center.
The best place to learn the negligence necessary to throw a Super Bowl party during a Covid wave.
No corporation has more contempt for human life.
The manager counts blinking as unpaid vacation time.
- Welcome back.
- As we all know, Footbot will be at the Super Bowl party and he's gonna be hungry, but we don't know what size screws he eats.
And if you're serious about being a dumbass, you will order one each of all 10,000 screws sold here.
Don't you dare, lady.
The screws are like a mile away, and my contractions are three minutes apart.
- I can't do it! - I know that dumbass is in there somewhere.
We just have to lure her out.
Friendly reminder: all child births must be in the bathroom, under 15 minutes, during your lunch break, and I get to eat the placenta.
If that's a box from a fleshlight company, - it's for a school project.
- If you're going to become a true total fuckin' idiot asshole, you need to learn from the worst.
Greetings! Where's Hashbrown or whatever his name is? Mom, Lonny Breckman?! He's old and weird! Hey, pal, your parents are worried you did something for someone else, and I can get you back on the right path, so whaddya say? Fine, but if you molest me, I'm telling the cops.
You drive a hard bargain, but deal.
You like poopin'? - What? - You heard me.
You like poopin'? You know, dumpin'.
- Uh, I guess so.
- Good, because if you want to be a total fuckin' idiot asshole, you've gotta be okay with pooping on someone.
After that, things like parking across three handicapped spots are nothing.
- Okay.
- Go take a poop on that guy.
No! That's my last living teacher.
I'll show you how it's done.
Hello there.
Can I help you? Listen, I'm trying to teach this wayward youth the delicate art of being a shithead.
Mind laying down so I can take a poop on you? Of course, I mind.
Do you want to even pretend like you have an excuse? Well, besides the obvious, my T-5 vertebrae is pretty much dust.
- It's one! Measly! Shit! - T! 5! Vertebrae! Really nice attitude you have there, Mister.
Children are our future, ya know! Ugh.
That guy sucked.
Let's keep going.
Look at us! The two buttholes! Hitting the town! So where's this puddle you said proves God walks among us? Don't be mad, but we completely misled you because it was the first thing we thought of.
Is this about the stupid party? Jesus, I canceled a mammogram to be here.
- Wait! Do you know where we are? - Oh, my God.
Of course! We used to throw ragers in this parking lot.
I swallowed my first rum-soaked tampon over there burnt off the roof of my mouth with pizza over there.
oh, and this is where I hooked up with that guy who was so dumb he tried to do a cartwheel and missed a year of school.
It's all coming back to me! I want to go back there.
Does that mean you're gonna be a huge dumbass and let us host a no-rules Super Bowl party? Is it wrong to prevent free citizens from power snorting a biological weapon? - Yay! - It's happening! It's called being neighborly, you selfish jerk! Next time you want to B-M on someone, don't come knocking on my door! Unbelievable! That's the tenth guy.
Can you take me home? That was the tenth guy, wasn't it? And what have we learned from that? That, nowadays, people look out for themselves even if you ask them for a simple bare chest to drop a deuce on.
So, Beef, why shouldn't you and I act the same way? It's true.
I asked every kid in school if they want to go halfsies on a fleshlight, and I only had one taker.
I definitely don't know that a fleshlight is a dishwasher-safe masturbation device, but I do know being a total fuckin' idiot asshole is the only way to survive in a world where only one chap will share one with you.
Thanks, Mr.
Now take me to the party you soup-to-diaper delivery system! Hot damn, the boy's got the hang of it! You're watching The Big Game, brain plaque's biggest night! Sponsored by the United States Armed Forces: the world's trillionaire underdogs.
This is the greatest night of my life! The only thing this party is missing is Footbot.
Don't take it personally.
I'm sure he's just figuring out how to drive without getting a migraine.
Whoa! Sheriff, you look like shit! I feel like shit, but I told the runny-nosed deputy locked in the SWAT tank with me that I am not missing this party.
- Whoo! - Whoo! I got a toast.
Every bone in her body was screaming that this party was a terrible idea, and she responded, "I can't hear you! I'm eating a perfectly good burrito I just found on the sidewalk!" Here's to our Queen, Mayor Dumbass Kelly Sampson! - Whoo! - Kelly! Hey, Kelly, they're chanting your name Kelly.
That's right, Jake.
Good for you.
I'm gonna go sit on the can.
It comes with no warning and all at once.
- See you tonight? - Ugh.
I'm so proud of Kelly.
And I'm proud of you, Beef.
Hey, Breckman said you could be the next dickhead Mozart.
- Eat my ass, Dad! - Oh, my gawd! Beef is acting like an unvaccinated prick - at a twelfth-grade level.
- I got some drinks here.
They're late! And why are they on the floor?! Does anyone care that he's learning to be a jerk? Have you been vaxxing? 'Cause if you have been, I'm telling all your friends you're a virgin.
I thought he'd be a doofus one day, but a full-blown bag of dicks? - A dad could cry.
- Nut check! - Nice job, boyfriend.
- What? You're my friend and you're a boy, so you're my boyfriend.
You need to stop saying that.
Like now.
Ahh, don't be weird.
We're friends who are boys.
- We're boyfriends.
- Stop calling me your boyfriend! Sorry! Sorry! We need a word for when you are friends with a boy.
- Why are you friends with a boy? - We drive around town and take dumps on people.
- Uh, yeah, hello.
9-1-1? - Oh, come on! Everyone's phone in my hat now.
You shouldn't even have it at dinner.
It's rude.
Oooo, Glen's rolling around slow.
This can't be good.
Wrong! I am planning the most epic Super Bowl follow-up party ever.
The vodka luges will be covered in kitchen ants.
Footbot will be there.
He can't disappoint me twice.
Kelly, you in? What the fuck are you talking about?! - Obviously, you have Covid.
- This? No.
Spider bite.
Fifty of them on my larynx while I was sleeping.
Even if I do, I listened to Joe Rogan and I know the best fertilizer to guzzle.
I thought you learned your lesson about his advice after you treated your bronchitis by fellating a horse.
The bronchitis went away the next month.
Plus, I made a friend for life.
You have Covid bad, and if you don't go to the hospital, you could die.
Okay, I'll swing by the hospital, but I'm bailing if the automatic doors even take a second! Beef! Beef! I heard you and Breckman are driving around dropping deuces on people! I got I-B-S.
You gotta bring me along! Hell yeah! There's room.
We'll just move aside Breckman's bulk cases of Chianti.
Beef, who's at the door?! If someone's abducting you, tell 'em to knock it off! Actually, it's probably not a good idea.
Besides, you'd be pretty lost out there.
Lost taking a crap on people? I'm pretty sure I could figure it out.
Mack, I know why you're here.
Let's goof around on the Covid Pit.
Oh, is that the second dose of Moderna? Let's inject it.
" - Nuh-uh, honey.
- You should go.
So this is how it ends.
You can keep the credit card we fraudulently opened to buy that fleshlight.
I won't put up a fight.
Whoo! Glad they're out of the picture.
Let's go practice crapping on the mannequins I had rush delivered.
His lungs are in rough shape.
Didn't help that he sprinted toward the automatic doors to see how fast they'd open.
- Is he gonna be okay? - Depends.
Is he a fighter? - Yes.
- Absolutely.
It doesn't matter.
I got 50 Covid patients, and I've started treating them in the refrigerated truck just to cut out the transfer paperwork.
- Kelly, I need to tell you something.
- What? What is it? Breckman's spreading the word about the follow-up party.
I gave him your number if he needs help building one big straw for everyone to share.
Glen, that party was a total disaster.
We haven't even talked about how that loaded gun fell and shot the feather off of Breckman's fedora.
So the next party won't have fedoras.
Problem solved.
No more Covid parties! And as for being a dumbass Don't say it, Kelly! Don't you dare say it! I'm done being a dumbass.
I can't believe you said that! You're gonna be on Footbot's naughty list! There you are! Me and my dong were worried sick.
You mad because I left the party early? If I had done what I needed to do in that bathroom, that party would've torn me limb from limb.
I don't think we should sleep with each other anymore.
Am I sweatin' too much during sex? I told you I'd rent you some swim goggles.
You're fine.
I just need to be more responsible.
Totally get it.
Hey, my condo's getting sprayed for butterfly eggs.
I feel like I live in a caviar tin.
- Mind if I sleep on your kitchen counter? - Ugggh.
Yeah, it's fine.
Hey, champ! I heard you triple-crapped in under a minute! Your mom thinks you're part elephant.
I heard it was a no-wiper! Maybe you should be the one giving me the pointers.
I get it.
A poopin' pro needs their beauty rest.
Beef, why aren't you talking to Lonny?! - Go away! - Is it because Daddy wasn't there to see you crap on the mannequin? Daddy has to work to pay for the mannequin.
- Yeah.
Beef, is that it? - Mack was my best friend, and you made me only see our differences! As you get older, it's perfectly normal to push people away who you love the most.
Besides, you already have a new best friend.
That's right.
Let me take you out for ice cream.
Maybe the scooper will let you squat - a hot one on his pointy hat.
- Fuck you! Hey! Where did you learn that word?! Was it Mack?! I know that look.
That's the look of a troubled soul at a crossroads.
Pastor Marv, I tried to be the dumbass this town needs, blessed a Super Bowl party in the self-described "least ventilated bar on the continent," - and someone got sick.
- We all need something to keep us going.
For some, it's partying.
For me, it's God.
But if I didn't have him, I'd find something else maybe art, maybe sticking a frog up my ass.
- You got anything? - I got my friends, this town, a no-strings-attached relationship with the dumbest guy in Fairview.
Good for you.
Those are the sort of things that hold the fabric of this town together, and keep us alive.
Hello? Hey, it's Dr.
Question: Glen Michaels.
Was he blue? - No.
- Okay.
He is now.
I tried to give him oxygen, but he refused and accused me of being a shapeshifter.
I don't think he has much time.
Is that Kelly? Tell her I lost my will to live - because of what she said! - You hear all that? I did.
Tell him to hold on.
I have a plan.
Hey, what was the thing about the ass frog? Can't a pastor instantly pull a disturbing image out of nowhere without everyone asking a bunch of follow-up questions?! Oh, my gawd! Great news, Ashley! I found a guy who powerwashes mannequins, no questions asked.
Got anything covered in shit? Mom, this whole thing with Beef, it's not about getting vaxxed.
It's about you feeling powerless over all the stuff that's out of your control, like your son, the school, your thinning hair, your thickening mustache, your life.
And you just want Beef to be like you so you don't feel like you're losing him.
I don't even recognize him anymore.
His best friend is non-binary.
He cares about whether his friends live or die.
It's only a matter of time before he starts calling me out for whipping tomato cans at school board meetings.
Hey, you reacted the same way when I protested the school's passed out Native American mascot and we're still close.
The town meant it as a compliment, but, yes, we're still buddies.
Can you tell Beef not to take craps - on my college applications? - That was me.
I'm not spending my hot-tub money on that college bullshit! I guess this is it for ol' Glen Michaels.
I just have one final wish: don't tell anyone - how I cured my bronchitis.
- What you did didn't cure it.
- Sped up the recovery? - Ehhh, more accurate to say: you gave a horse's nutsack a really bad cough.
If Moon Shadow was bummed out, he had a weird way of showing it.
I'm sorry about what I said earlier about you and for taking the name of dumbassery in vain.
I get it now.
You think you need that to feel alive, and in a place like Fairview, you're right, but you can't do it in a way that harms yourself, because you matter to a lot of people! - Get better, buddy! - Whoo! Party in the hospital parking lot! Just like old times, only we're not spanking loose cheeks - peeking out of patients' gowns.
- I can't believe this many people - give a shit whether I live or die.
- They're not the only ones.
Hello there! I hear there's a little boy - who's not feeling well.
- It's me! It's me! I knew you'd come, Footbot! I saved you some screws, but I already ate most of 'em.
Your friend Kelly here might have tipped me off.
Are the doctors taking care of you? No! They don't know shit! Doctors are very smart, and you should listen to them.
One time, a doctor told Footbot that if I went back out on that field, I'd never be the same again, but Footbot thought a meaningless game was more important than permanently living in a waking nightmare.
At first, it was headaches, but then I started seeing things, horrible things, and, as my wife repeatedly reminded me, they weren't there.
I think what Footbot is trying to say is that you should listen to your doctor.
I think Footbot can speak for himself and go to the mailbox and come back without someone watching him like a hawk.
The bottom line is you are loved.
You matter.
And we want you to live.
So how about doing your old pal Footbot a favor and listening to your doctor? - I love you, Footbot! - Doctor, he's all yours.
Sounds good.
Just give me a sec.
I got 30 Covid patients in the hallway and just told a guy with rebar through his throat to walk it off.
I'm going to do what the doctor says! Also, I never blew a horse! I thought I'd find you here! I used to love to take craps on things, but you and Breckman have turned it into something ugly.
Beef, I don't want you being a total fuckin' idiot asshole just because I said so.
- You should only do it if you want to.
- Maybe someday I will, but right now I just want my friend back.
I know.
That's why I brought their weird ass here.
Sorry about what I said.
I was buggin'.
I knew you were bugging! Want to sleep over at the Covid Pit tonight? - Whoa! Is that cool? - I forbid you to hang out with Mack.
Eat my ass, Mom.
That is the biggest total fuckin' idiot asshole thing you have ever said, and I'm so proud of you.
As I was listening to Footbot talk about how his friends had to take away his car keys and the way Glen thought of himself, I realized that we've gotten really comfortable treating each other as disposable whether it's the crappy wages we pay people, the health care we don't provide them.
So it's not surprising we model that behavior to each other.
But when you live in a town like Fairview, all you have is each other, so act like reckless dumbasses all you want, as much as you want, but let's try not to become comfortable harming ourselves or our fellow dumbasses.
- Yay! - I am so inspired that I'm going to change Omni's policy.
Now everyone gets a bite of the placenta.
- So how you been? - Better.
- Cool.
So sex tonight? - I'd like that.
Bad news on the swim goggles.
I didn't check the scale on the website.
- I think they're for dolls.
- It's fine.
I kind of like how you rain all over me like a dog shaking off lake water.
Then we're gonna get along just fine.
It was a pleasure meeting you all.
Now if you'll just point me to the airport, I'll be on my way.
Thanks, Footbot, for everything.
You just want to head that way.
- Great.
So long.
- Everything alright, Footbot? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - Who said that? You're not real.
- Oh, boy.
Is there someone we should call? We can call someone for you.
I'm fine.
Are you guys okay? Oh, we're fine.
We're more worried about you.
I can take care of myself.
Just point me to the airport, - and I'll be on my way.
- We just did that.
We're gonna give you a ride, okay? No can do.
I don't take rides from strangers.
- What? - You heard me.
My Daddy promised me he'd be here with a lollipop.
How did you convince him to come anyway? - I told him I finally found his keys.
- You are such a dumbass.

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