Fairview (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

Climate Catastrophe

1 It's a heat wave, heat wave Man, I love these hot days the sun's blazing, people are dancing in the audibly sizzling streets.
The smoldering trees are swaying, the birds are screaming.
The kids are laughing.
Satan is laughing.
Anyone else concerned that it snowed sixteen inches yesterday and today it's 115-degrees? - Nope! - Eh We are! This is not normal.
Climate change is out of control and our generation will pay the price.
Maybe you should show some initiative and switch generations.
Beef, what got you into this whole "not wanting a deathocalypse" fad? Are the other kids peer pressuring you? It's not a fad, Dad! We won't stop disrupting life in Fairview - until we get what we want! - You'll stop eventually.
At some point, you'll drown in glacier water.
You destroy one planet and kids act like it's the end of the world.
Glen, thanks for punching those kids and getting us out of there alive.
Yeah, it's nice to do it for an actual reason for a change.
These kids are taking this really seriously that fifth grader whispered my garage door code into my ear.
I wish I could do something, but our little town can't solve climate change.
I also don't want to tell them and bum them out.
I know kids because I am one.
They want real action.
I'm talking paper straws, reusable grocery bags, basically robbing yourself of any remaining small joys.
That stuff feels so performative.
So what? These kids just need to feel like we're doing something.
Let's put on a show.
"Performative Climate Action: the Movie" starring Mayor Kelly Sampson.
They won't know the difference.
Actually they might since Kelly is such a terrible actress.
Ugh, don't remind me.
Remember in high school, when I got cast in "Miss Saigon" and the crowd cheered for me to get chewed up by the helicopter blades.
Then when you did stumble into the blades, they cheered for you to be severely maimed.
And when it turned out you were fine, they all left to get sandwiches, ask if you wanted one, - but never brought one back for you.
- Yeah, I remember.
Let's just hope these kids do the mature thing and not bug us while we doom them to extinction.
Obviously, that's bad, but if they throw thirty-thousand more, we got ourselves a free house.
Please give a big, Redhawk welcome to Omni's Vice President of Operations and author of the bestselling career manual, "What Color Is Your Workstation Pee Jug?", Wade Moonman! Booooo! You stink! I get it.
Omni was recently named Time magazine's Climate Criminal of the Century, but I'm here to say that, we've heard your protests and awoken to your leering over our beds, and, today, we are turning a corner.
We're hosting a contest to find Omni's very first Climate Kid who will help us develop real solutions to climate change.
And get this: the winner will receive a really big candy bar! Sick! I mean, we'll never sell out! But just for fun: how big a candy bar we talking here? As large as an adult Labrador Retriever.
Oh my gosh, holy shit! I mean, it doesn't matter even though that would be absolutely delicious.
Of course, we don't want to seem like we're just making a hasty gesture to put this all behind us ASAP, so we won't name a winner until we hear ideas to solve climate change at tomorrow's assembly.
And no one say "pawn off responsibility on school kids while you get the good PR.
" That's mine.
I think I speak for all business owners in Fairview when I say: I care about what these kids have to say, but I'll be damned if I give up my way of life of emptying my sewage into the reservoir.
I know it's counter-intuitive to prioritize the survival of entire generations over even the smallest of immediate comforts, but these kids are really passionate about this.
And we have a nice, easy solution to that: we kill them all.
- Sorry? - We kill all the kids.
We're not saying no kids ever.
- We're saying not these kids.
- These ones are lemons.
Let's get some fresh blood in here, ones that aren't so "thinky" about everything.
We're not doing that, and I think you two know why.
Yes, it's expensive, but what these kids will do to Fairview's economy will be far worse.
If you can't get these kids off our back in two minutes, - we're doing our plan.
- Two minutes?! Fine! Two days so you have time to get a pedicure or whatever.
You're not seriously gonna enter that contest are you? Omni's just covering up for being the reason we wake up every morning to birds hacking up phlegm.
I know, such a shameless P-R campaign.
I hate it.
But we can protest Omni all we want, and it's not gonna change anything.
They're too powerful.
The best way to change them is from the inside.
You're just saying that because you want that candy bar.
How dare you! This has nothing to do with the candy bar that is the size of a dog and would be absolutely delicious.
I know, once I get in there, I can do a lot of good.
Just promise you won't lose sight of the mission and be too full to grab dinner with us Thursday night because you're digesting fifty pounds of nougat.
Holy shit, you think there's gonna be that much nougat in there?! This is her third award nomination and first win.
I hope our little movie about urban flash flood boogie boarding brought home that the time to act against climate change is now.
- Thank you.
And now the Award for Best Actress goes to Mayor Kelly Sampson for her performance in "Performative Climate Action".
When my friends approached me about playing this role, I thought, "There's no way I can convince children that their small town can stop the planet from roasting, but with hard work and the right platitudes, anything is possible!" Bravo! Bravo! To solve climate change, we need to come to a consensus with corporate leaders on an enforceable timeline for eating their organs.
Also, I don't want to be some corporate shill, I want action.
That sucked.
Looks like we only have one other contestant and that is Beef Osterdorff.
If we want to solve climate change, we can't demonize corporations.
We need to partner with them and work hand-in-hand Fantastic! That's my guy.
Oh, picking Beef would be a huge mistake.
We can't prove it, but we think during delivery the doctor dropped him on his head from an overpass.
Thank you, but I'm not concerned.
Look, the nurse suspects his brain is almost entirely bone.
- Hey, uh, I-I can hear you! - Good for you, Beef! Look at his dumb face.
That's probably why the teachers use him as the door jam during school shooting drills.
Don't listen to him.
I think you have what it takes to really make Omni look like it has the intention to change for the better.
I believe it in my heart, sir.
Not that it's important, but I just want to check the compensation - Dog-sized candy bar.
- Nice! Everyone, meet Omni's new Climate Kid! These kids are not gonna stop fighting to not drown until we pretend to do something.
And I think I'm just the person to take on this starring role.
Kelly, you're a terrible performer.
One review said your performance was the triggering event for Fairview's opioid crisis.
I was a terrible performer, but I know if I dedicate myself to this, I can make this a hit Three cheers for me I'm performatively preventing global climate catastrophe Three cheers for me Hip hip hooray, I'm saving the planet with my recycling Never mind the fact that 91% Will likely end up in a landfill Incinerated or dumped into the sea Never mind the fact that almost all emissions Come from a hundred corporations Congress wants us to die At least I got a hundred likes on my recycling tweet Ooh, three cheers for me I'm clearing my conscience of all responsibility - Bravo! - Bravo! Bravo! - Bravo! Bravo! - Time for the role of a lifetime: convincing kids they'll have a lifetime.
Kelly, if you're gonna convince Fairview's kids that you're doing something about climate change you need to turn in the performance of a lifetime.
Now, tell us what Fairview should do to solve this crisis.
It all starts with individual responsibility.
Good God.
Really? You're just saying empty words.
You got to believe them or these kids will boo you off the stage.
I think we should re-cast and I think I should play the mayor.
Todd, we're not there yet.
It all starts with individual responsibility! I said we're not there yet! But Kelly definitely needs to step it up.
You need to study a true performative activism savant, the Rain Man of Pretending to Care about Acid Rain, Chelsea Hill.
Chelsea, how would you solve climate change? It all starts with individual responsibility.
Bravo! Bravo! I want you to observe her, mimic her, be her, surveil her, secure loans using her Social Security number until, when it comes to climate change, you suck as much as she does.
- She really sucks, but I'll try.
- Are you and Kelly sleeping together? - Is that what's going on? - Wow.
- Come on, Todd.
- Drop it already.
Come on.
Um, I want to be clear right up front I'm not a yes-man.
I don't go along to get along.
I'm not here to make your job easy.
If I see something, I'm saying something.
We expect nothing less.
- My office is right ahead.
- Holy shit! - Is that the candy bar? - Sure is.
Now, I want you to sit right there with your nose two inches from that chocolate-y goodness and come up with climate solutions for Omni that we can present to your school in the coming days.
Hey, and don't you hold back now! Expect a long list of painful but necessary solutions.
- Fantastic.
- Uh, do I get a pencil or anything? Pencil lead leaking into the water causes dolphins to develop ADHD or something.
Good luck! So just observe everything Chelsea does? Not just observe.
Feel what it's like to be her.
Suffer the torn shoulder ligaments - from patting yourself on the back.
- Are we ready to order? I would like a vegetarian burger with a tiny sip of water with a paper straw because every little bit helps.
- That sucks so much.
- Yes.
It does suck.
Use that.
Feel that feeling.
- Keep going, Chelsea.
- I would also like a moment of recognition of the Armenian genocide.
It's not on the menu, but it should be.
Do you feel that? Everything she just said won't help the environment at all, but she gets to feel like a hero while corporate polluters get to continue doing jack shit.
That really sucks.
Now be that suck and give the waitress your order.
I'd just like a bun because the factory that makes veggie burgers emits toxins into the air and, to drink, I'd like recycled dish water no paper straw because paper comes from trees who were here before all of us.
- Whoo-hoo! - Yes, Kelly! - Not bad.
- Whoa, you really suck ass.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Knock-knock! I see the candy bar gave you a bit of a sugar coma.
Well, actually, Da Vinci would take naps throughout the day so he could better explore his own genius.
For sure.
Now that you've become acclimated to the perks that come with the corporate lifestyle, what are your climate recommendations for Omni? I really think Omni should stop promising delivery speeds that require the energy burn of a military airlift every time someone orders a toothbrush.
It'd be a financial hit, but money isn't everything.
I see.
We could implement those recommendations and appease your radical activist classmates or you could have this candy bar.
That's the size of two dogs! But I can't.
That sugar coma would knock me out for good.
I see.
Well, because you're a man of principles, the safest place for me to leave this candy bar is, of course, mere inches from your mouth.
Oh, hey, Kelly, how are feeling? Want to go walk around the top of a stairwell or anything? Knock it off, Todd.
She's trying to get into character.
Tough to not think about being box office poison, huh? One hit and she's back, Todd! - You look perfect.
- I'm ready.
It's the mayor! Let's use her torso as a compost bin.
And action! I just want to say: the time to act on climate change is now.
Do your part.
Paper straws, electric cars, tote bags, don't flush unless it looks like a platter of brisket fries, only drink rainwater, only buy clothes that fall apart after two hours because they're just some sewn together banana peels.
If we do these little things, in no time, we'll reverse thirty years of unchecked corporate pollution together.
- Whoo! - Go, Mayor Kelly! If Beef actually changes Omni from the inside, these protests will have been an epic success.
For the past several days, Beef Osterdorff and I have been hard at work developing a plan for Omni's sustainable future.
Now put your hands together for the Climate Kid! Beef, the floor is yours.
For those who don't understand the guttural moans of a human in a sugar coma, allow me to translate.
He said: Omni is already on a responsible path, and we should just keep putting smiles on customer's faces with lightning fast delivery at rock bottom price points on products like lawn furniture, exercise shorts, and plastic forks you could get at the corner store, but its easier to have them flown 800 miles on a cargo jet.
Go, Redhawks! So this is what it looks like when someone goes corporate.
Let's grab dinner without him.
See you later, you suit! No! And the Award for Best Actress goes to Mayor Kelly Sampson for her role in "Performative Climate Action"! Oh, my God! Wow.
Uh, wow-wow-wow.
I was not expecting this.
I-I couldn't have done this without the amazing directing of Glen Michaels, the inspirational delusion of Chelsea Hill, and frankly threatening words of Todd Osterdorff.
And let me just say that, with hard work and platitudes, - anything is possible! - Nice work, Mayor Kelly.
You saved me a lot of money on rat poison.
And me a lot of time hiding it inside lollipops.
Thank you and, just so you know, the laws against murder apply when you do it to children and, if anything, are more stringent.
We'll take your word for it.
I admit it: you're a way better Mayor Kelly than I could ever be.
That means a lot, Todd.
And I forgive you for signing me up for advanced matador training.
So it was just some big performance? Uh, of course not.
We're all deeply devoted to changing one or two small things in our daily routine and completely stopping climate change.
- Right, everyone? - Yeah! - Yeah! - Of course.
- So important.
- Alright, I got a plate of spotted owl tenders, lots of beer with plastic straws, and someone asked for a running gas leaf blower? You, Omni, you're all just pretending like you give a crap, but the truth is, you could care less.
I can't believe we actually believed in you.
Wait a second, I know you from somewhere.
Are you in that insurance commercial? No.
Can you please just leave me alone? I'm just trying to enjoy my night.
I got it.
You're Mayor Kelly Sampson from that "Performative Climate Action"! You were so great.
What did you used to say? - Nothing.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be like that! What was it? Something about our children and their future? You know what I'm saying C'mon you know it, you know it.
"Our children's future is in our hands.
" Yes, that's it! Say it again! Everybody listen! Say it again, only louder this time.
Please don't film me.
Say it.
Do it.
Come on! "Our children's future is in our hands.
" - Louder! Let's go! - Leave me alone! I'm not a clown, ya hear?! I'm a person! A person who believes climate change is a problem, but didn't want to be hassled by some kids! - Hey, let's get you home.
- You're a real psycho, you know that? And Todd Osterdorff would've killed that role! Fuck you, you nobody! Relax.
People sell their souls to the man all the time.
Just yesterday, my bosses paid me five dollars to stab a polar bear to eat at a corporate retreat.
But that's not me.
I truly believe that saving our planet is more important than eating candy.
Too bad.
Because I'd like to offer you the position of junior communications director.
We'll pay you enough money to buy all the candy bars you could ever want.
And we include health insurance which you're gonna need right away.
Will you install solar panels or anything? That means less money for us, so absolutely not.
Moonman? I'm in.
Welcome to the thrilling world of being a corporate cog.
We'll schedule your ritual circumcision.
You know what the worst part of all of this is? The kids aren't protesting anymore.
We've sapped their will to punch me in the ovaries.
They had to learn humans are blood-sucking leeches at some point.
Might as well be now before their spouses demonstrate it through the insane way they load a dishwasher.
But that cynicism about humanity shouldn't overtake them at such a young age.
It should at least wait until they start online dating.
Kelly, I know exactly what you're saying and I'm ready to take on the role of mayor.
No more acting.
Let's tell these kids something - we actually believe.
- Just don't recommend paper straws.
I've run the numbers and Cornpepper's business model falls apart if we start giving a shit about sea turtles.
And how did you find Omni's onboarding ritual circumcision? Not bad.
I had a real feeling of camaraderie when I saw my foreskin in the jar with everyone else's who's ever worked at Omni.
And how was the onboarding paperwork? Oh, absolute torture! Hey, before I get going, are there anymore of those candy bars around? Of course.
What size are you thinking? - Five dogs should do it.
- One year-long, debilitating sugar coma, coming up! Cheer up, everyone.
The world isn't gonna become inhospitable for at least twenty years.
Sounds like a green light to have some fun and learn some geometry.
Woo, free brick! Thirty more of those and I got a house! Don't stop protesting! Don't stop protesting! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be backstage, destroying the ozone with hair spray? We're sorry.
We shouldn't have put on some big, fake show.
We should've told you the truth.
And the truth is adults and businesses are not gonna do shit about climate change.
We're too broken.
But you aren't.
And you shouldn't let us break you.
Keep protesting.
It's the only thing giving us all hope.
Thanks for being honest for once.
Though it was a pretty stirring performance.
- Thank you.
- Bullshit.
We'll keep protesting.
As long as Glen promises to stop punching us in the windpipe.
- Clavicles it is! - Good.
Protest us.
And protest the bigass companies who say that somehow we can fix climate change.
They're just taking attention away from them, the companies that can actually fix climate change.
Companies like Omni.
Don't worry, everyone! I took care of Omni.
I accepted a position there, but instead of doing my job, I stuffed candy bars in all the delivery truck tailpipes so they won't release harmful emissions into the atmosphere.
- Woo! - Nice job! - Go, Beef! - Ehhh You do realize what happens when you block vehicles' tailpipes, right? That driver is really sleepy.
Yes, he's sleepy.
That's what he is.
Let's get back to class and pretend we didn't hear Beef admit to doing this.
No students protesting today.
- Is climate change solved? - Oh god no.
All the kids are inside because it's supposed to be both a blizzard and heat wave today.
Oh, Kelly, you might want to wash out your coffee mug.
I was putting a little silver polish in there everyday.
That's what that searing stomach pain was.
Yeah, I got a little jealous, but I'm over it now - and really happy for you.
- Thanks for saying so.
But I did want to say that it all starts with individual responsibility.
Give it up! Ugh! - You're not great.
- You're too old! I guess you can change things from the inside as long as you go down in a blaze of glory.
That was pretty badass.
How did you even get all that candy bar into the tailpipes? The secret is to just repeatedly jam them in there while sweating your balls off.
- Coooool.
- Lemme guess.
Veggie burgers and paper straws? Hamburgers and plastic straws are fine.
It literally could not matter less.
- You got it.
- There you are.
After what you did, you don't deserve to be in the jar with the other Omni workers.
Now fish out your foreskin or no more candy bars for you.
You know what? I think I'll be alright.
Fine, I'll bob it out myself.
- Is this one it? - Nope.
- What about this one? - Nope.
- This is definitely it.
- Keep looking.
My head is stuck in the jar.
- Little help? - We're good.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode