Fake (2024) s01e02 Episode Script


JOE: How can a man sitting in a bar
know what the woman
approaching him contains?
How is the woman approaching that man
meant to know that she
should turn around and run?
Do you know Susan Feuillet?
Sorry, Joe, I
This online thing is a bit weird for me.
BIRDIE'S MOTHER: How did your
date with the sheep farmer go?
You don't want to do this forever.
BIRDIE: I'm not single
through laziness, Mum.
I do try.
I think you need to get realistic
about what's still out there.
JOE: Is it strange I thought about you
when I first woke up today?
Do you have a boyfriend?
BIRDIE: I think so.
I'm Birdie Bell.
I'm writing a feature on the soup van
for the Weekend magazine.
That's Montana, a doctor in Algeria.
Medecins Sans Frontieres.
You heard of them?
BIRDIE: Did you see Joe at the bar?
I haven't heard from him.
Don't wreck it, babe. Just
be the cool girl for once.
I am the cool girl.
JOE: I'm so very sorry
to leave you hanging.
Some stuff with the family came up.
Can I make it up to you with a
trip to my shack next weekend?
BIRDIE: I thought you
said you wore gloves.
JOE: No.
No, you can't wear
gloves working with sheep.
JOE: You were onto me early.
JOE: It's more like a
shed really, but it's mine.
It's a place to retreat to
when the pressures of the
world get a little bit too much.
JOE: My day
Jumping in the shower.
I'll spare you my stink of
diesel, sweat and maggoty fox.
Virginia! What do you
She's a great character
and I agree it's such a tragic story.
I'm sorry to raise it again, I just
The soup van angle was already a push.
I can't tell upstairs
their winter soup article
is now about familial abuse,
the over-50s female
homelessness epidemic
and a dying heroin addict.
You know what they'll say.
That you're championing
the female agenda?
Some women over 50
are one life event
away from homelessness.
- Tell that to the Steves, Birdie.
- I really want to profile her last days.
A 'depths of the human soul' story.
People don't want depths of
the human souls on the weekend.
She's not depressing,
Virginia. She's inspiring.
OK. Do your interviews.
But first, you look up that
Instagram guy I emailed you.
- Offal guy?
- That's the deal.
- Glorious guts.
- Thank you.
COLLEAGUE: Mm-hm. Yeah.
- Thanks.
JOE: Were you just thinking about me?
No, I was thinking about
the over-50s female
homelessness epidemic.
JOE: Too bad.
I, on the other hand, have
been thinking about you a lot,
and the wonderful weekend
we're about to have together.
Do you think I need to
pack a shirt for dinner?
Oh, it's completely off-grid.
I mean, there's not even a
town, let alone a restaurant.
JOE: OK, I'll pick you up at yours.
Unless you want to drive.
Sounds perfect.
You're going to a remote cape
with a man you just met on a dating app?
I'm reviewing a couples-only retreat.
You want me to run a quick
background check on him?
- What for?
- Oh, court records, land title searches -
anything you can think of.
The world's not as scary
and mean as you think it is.
Doesn't take a second.
This is a love story, not
an investigation. (LAUGHS)
Hi, Tiger ♪
Teach me, Tiger, how to kiss you ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa ♪
Show me, Tiger, how to kiss you ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa ♪
Take my lips, they belong to you ♪
- Hi.
- Hey.
Where did you park?
I didn't see your car.
Oh, just down the road a
little bit. You got much?
- Is this it? You travel light.
- Mm. Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
Oh, what is it?
Hang on, I've just got to
ring Harry's swim coach.
Oh. Is he OK?
Right, and, well, have you rung Mary?
I'm about to drive out
of town for the weekend.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I understand.
OK, where where is it?
Mm-hm. Alright, I'm on my way. OK, bye.
- Everything alright?
- No, there's been an accident.
Harry was running by
the side of the pool.
He slipped and he's split his head open.
He's at the hospital. Mary's gone AWOL.
- Right, well, is he OK?
- Yeah, he's conscious.
They're running tests,
but I'm going to have to
Oh, you've got to be with your boy.
No, of course. You've got to go.
I was looking forward
to a weekend and
I I feel awful.
No, don't. Don't even
worry about me. Just go.
OK. Will you still go?
Yeah, no I don't know. Yes, probably.
Look, I'll follow as soon as
I find out what's going on.
- Will you?
- Yes. Yeah.
- Alright.
- OK. I'm so sorry.
It's OK. Let me know how he is.
- You go.
- Yeah.
Poor Harry.
Yeah. OK. I'll be in touch.
JOE: The boy's asleep.
Still no sign of Mary.
She has health issues
related to a thyroid
and has these episodes often.
It's hardest on the children.
I guess I'll have to put
my own wants and needs aside
to sort out this latest bit of WTF.
JOE: The doctor let me
know Harry actually slipped
because he was dizzy,
a side effect of inflamed adenoids.
Mary was supposed to organise
for them to be removed,
now they'll have to
be extracted tonight.
Oh, God.
Siri, text Joe back.
SIRI: What do you want to say?
Can he still be operated
on with concussion?
- Send.
- OK, sending.
JOE: It's not an issue.
JOE: Stitches.
Mary's arrived at the
hospital and made a scene,
abusing the nurses.
Mary's been thrown out.
Unfortunate timing for
one of her episodes.
It's terrible for the children.
I need to be here to protect them
while the meds level her out again.
Looks like I won't be
making it after all.
I am so sorry.
What are you doing here?
- It's the middle of the night!
- You said you weren't coming.
Birdie God. What have you
got? What are you going to do?
Brain me with that thing?
God, remind me not to mess with you.
Don't mess with me! I'm
not messing with you.
I just didn't want to wake you.
It's OK.
Birdie, it's OK. It's OK.
- Hey
- Where's your car? I didn't hear your car.
I walked up the driveway.
A night doctor who lives in the area,
he just dropped me up the road.
Didn't think it was a
good idea for me to drive
after such an emotional night.
Oh, Mary made a scene.
I ordered pizzas for
the whole bloody ward
to thank the nurses
for their their help
and their, you know, their patience.
- You OK?
- (LAUGHS) Yes.
It's OK, it's OK.
God, you wouldn't believe
the night I've had.
- Oh.
- Yeah? All good?
- All good?
- Not good.
Birdie. Birdie?
- Boo!
- Oh! Jesus!
- Joe, stop it!
Yeah, I'll have a drink.
We'll just run to that rock
You make me feel things I
didn't think I'd feel again.
What's this?
Broken collarbone.
- Fall off your horse, cowboy?
You do know Dorpers are sheep, right?
Mary broke your collarbone?
Yeah, pushed me off a ladder.
On purpose?
Ooh, yeah. She meant it, alright.
- Jesus.
- Mmm.
What about you?
Any Any bad exes?
- Are we talking about our exes?
- Mm, I guess we are.
Oh, no. I didn't want to do that.
What, so it's just me
who talks about bad exes?
- That's not fair.
Alright. There was
one married journalism professor.
- Oh, scandal.
- Oh, I was I was barely 20.
It seemed like a big, exciting romance.
I felt very worldly and grown up.
Hindsight tells a different story.
JOE: Mmm.
Yeah, well, there's a lot
of predatory men out there.
And of course, there's Anton.
I mean, that He's
not He's not a BAD ex.
But it is kind of silly.
We dated for about six months at uni.
I just thought he was a stylish dresser.
- Is it weird?
Anton? No. No, no, no,
he's like a brother to me.
He's been part of the furniture
at my place my whole life.
He came out to my mum before his own.
And Mum thinks that Rory's
basically her granddaughter.
Why's that?
What, because she didn't
get a grandchild from you?
W Well, no.
Actually, they asked
me to be an egg donor.
But I thought I might still meet someone
and have one of my own, so
Mmm. Do you regret that?
Rory and I are really close.
I'm over there a couple
of times a week for dinner.
She's my goddaughter.
Well, what was Mary like
before? Love of your life?
No, she wasn't the love of my life.
Who was?
Oh Tessa, Tessa Rain.
Smartest woman I ever met.
Yeah, I fell in love
with her one day when
she found me sobbing in the shower
and she said, "Oh, you poor thing."
And then she just got in
the shower and embraced me,
fully clothed.
I can relate.
I've I've been on medication
for anxiety for a few years now.
Well, soon you won't need
any of that stuff anymore.
Well, soon you won't need
any of that stuff anymore.
You want to go for a walk?
I've got to take some pics.
Apparently, there's some
wild oysters that we can take.
They've left a bucket and a knife.
- Joe?
Can you not?
- I've just got some work to do.
- Oh, sorry.
OK. See you soon.
Fuck you.
Joe, I Do you want to leave?
Oh! You're back.
God, you were gone for so long.
Eh? Gone for so long I
thought you'd left me.
Eh? Please don't leave me.
I love you.
(FADING AUDIO) Now, sometimes
my life is pure chaos,
and I shouldn't take it out on you.
I love you.
I love you.
(FAINT) Ooh!
I love you.
I love you too.
Check-out's at two o'clock.
We should probably get going.
I've got a surprise for you.
A night at Crown Towers. Tonight.
Don't Don't you have
to get back for Harry?
No, no, I've gotten onto
him. He's right as rain.
He's even having a sleepover
at one of his friend's places tonight.
There you go.
If you book it, you
can even get the, uh,
get a grand suite if you like.
I'll put the kettle on.
Oh, th that'll be expensive.
Oh, don't worry about it. It's all good.
Well, they just they'll
need a credit card to
Yeah, it's OK. If you
use your credit card
I don't have a credit card.
I refuse to pay the bloody bank fees.
I just might not have enough in my
No, no, hey. I've got cash.
I shall give you the
cash when we get there.
- (BEEP!)
Cookie from All Angels Chapel.
Tina has been taken to the hospital.
They are turning up her morphine
and she might not make
it through the night.
So you might want to come
see her as soon as you can.
- OK, bye.
- JOE: Reservation for Bell.
Right this way, sir.
And can you park the car, please?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
The All Angels Chapel
just left a message.
My subject's not doing well.
They've moved her to palliative.
Oh, that's awful. I
hope she gets better.
There's the $1,000-a-night view.
We'd better get dressed for dinner.
We're meeting Allan
downstairs in half an hour.
Allan's here?
Yeah, he wants me to present
at a high-level meeting tomorrow
on wind farm technology
with a delegation connected
to the Chinese president.
The Chinese president?
Yeah, well, the Chinese president's
not going to be here himself, obviously,
but his officials are interested in
what we're doing with renewables.
Oh, shit.
I've done it again, haven't I?
Oh, it just would
have been nice to know.
I'm sorry.
Communication is not
my strong suit, is it?
- Mmm
- I'm sorry.
OK. Come on, better get ready.
You brought a suit to the Cape?
Mm, be prepared.
My grandfather taught
me business is 24/7.
Well, how fancy is this restaurant, Joe?
- Because I brought nothing.
- Oh, shit.
I thought we were packing
for a beach weekend.
Mary's drained the shared bank account.
She's only supposed to access
it for the kids' school fees.
(RECALLS) If you use your credit card
I don't have a credit card.
I refuse to pay the bloody bank fees.
So we already hold the licences
for the initial wind monitoring,
and the measurements so
far are very promising.
The land value is going to skyrocket
once the government announces
the renewable energy zone
for their 2030 targets.
JOE: Mm-hm.
So you're looking at
3-4,000 per megawatt,
which is, what? 30,000
per turbine, per year.
Now, you put 10 of
those gentle giants up,
you're looking at a
minimum of 300,000 per year
for that piece of scrappy, unused land.
(SOFTLY) Another bottle of 2017 Vanya.
Oh, and another bottle of pinot noir.
If we use your credit card
I don't have a credit card.
I refuse to pay the bloody bank fees.
(WHISPERS) Go to the bathroom.
(RECALLS) I've got cash.
I shall give you the
cash when we get there.
Mary's drained the shared bank account.
- MAN: Just keep the money all to himself.
WOMAN: He's enjoying himself.
MAN: All in cash. I
forget to declare it.
- MAN 2: Oh, wow.
- MAN: That's not much.
You don't do this for fun.
MAN: We pay like $60 per year.
- JOE: Thank you very much.
- MAN: Now it's for free.
Five years ago, it was still paid.
- WOMAN: Now it's free?
- MAN: Yeah.
Yeah, they want more
Well, that went well.
You thought I wouldn't be able
to pay for dinner, didn't you?
Here, that's for the room.
I'm really happy to pay my share.
Oh, well, you can pay for breakfast.
- It's included.
I promise not to involve you
in any more boring business meetings.
Oh, no, it wasn't boring. It was just
just Allan, though.
I did think there was
something not quite right.
You really knew your stuff, though.
Sustainability is a passion of mine.
You know Wayne Swan, the ex-treasurer?
He wants to meet me and
talk about some of my ideas.
- Does he?
- Mmm.
- Oh. What in particular?
- I don't know.
A friend of mine who
admires my business acumen
set up a meeting.
I'll go along, see what
he has to say for himself.
I do really want to
be a part of your life.
Even the boring dinners.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
I want to be part of yours.
- JOE: Don't touch me!
Don't come Go away.
- Go away!
- Don't touch me!
Don't you come near me! Don't touch
- Wake up!
- No!
You hit me!
No. No, I didn't.
- You hurt me, Joe!
- No. No, I didn't.
It's OK.
It's OK. It's OK, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Kirsty.
- Huh?
Oh, G
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
- It's OK.
- Just go back to sleep.
- (MURMURS) So sorry.
(PEOPLE SING) It's a wide open road ♪
It's a wide open road ♪
It's a wide open road ♪
It's a wide open road ♪
And now you can go to any place ♪
That you want to go ♪
Tina was more St Kilda than St Kilda.
She was always so proud
of her beautiful daughter
who, as she would happily
tell anyone who asked -
and possibly also
everybody who didn't ask -
was a doctor working with
Medecins Sans Frontieres.
I was with Tina in her final moments,
and she talked about
how proud she was of you.
I'll miss you, Tiny.
Montana, would you
like to say something?
Yeah. I've got something to say.
Whoever you're all eulogising
I don't recognise her at all.
I work in a childcare
centre in Chadstone.
I've never even been overseas.
It's all fucking lies.
JOE: Well, I'm mentoring Allan
through this Chinese deal after all.
I guess I'm always a
sucker for the underdog.
I should be at yours by
6pm. Save some dinner for me.
Yeah, Tessa. Tessa Rain.
Smartest woman I ever met.
Yeah, I fell in love with
her one day when she
she found me sobbing in the shower
and she said, "You poor thing."
Then she got in the
shower and embraced me,
fully clothed.
Yeah, Tessa.
Fucking ridiculous.
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