Fam (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 Look at this ring.
I cannot stop looking at this ring.
You know you still haven't technically said yes, right? I mean, you said, "Oh, my God," like, a million times and then you hugged a man that was not me.
Of course I'll marry you.
I love you, Nick.
Love you, too, Clem.
I love that you want to come straight here and tell my folks.
I don't have parents to tell.
And yours are like the mom and dad of my dreams.
You remember the plan, right? Like the back of my hand, which is so much sparklier now.
All right, we're gonna play it cool until we're eating, and then And then I'll say, "You know what my favorite part of this dinner is? - The karats, kaboom!" - Kaboom! All right, let's do this.
Not a word until dinner.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, you two.
We're getting married! (screaming) I knew it! I knew it! Nicholas, how could you not tell your mother you were gonna propose? I was going to.
I was.
But then I remembered something.
You can't keep a secret.
That's true, Rose.
You threw me a surprise 50th birthday party and made me design the invitations.
Who wants to be surprised, Walt? That's how people die.
I knew you two would end up together.
I knew it since the first time we all went out to dinner.
My wedding gown.
Ah, I saved it for just this occasion.
You wait right here, I'll be right back.
You really don't have to wear it.
I mean, if you don't, I'll never hear the end of it.
But I can handle that.
(chuckles nervously) Please, dear God, wear the dress.
It's Christian Dior.
But don't open it here.
It's bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the big day.
Mom, I've seen pictures of the dress.
It's long, it's white, and I believe a head pops out of the top.
I'll go take a peek in the other room, Rose.
Ah, we are gonna need a venue that holds at least 300 people.
Oh, and I don't know who's designing your invitations Guys, guys, let's just pump the brakes.
She might not even want a big wedding.
You know, her parents passed away, and her half sister hasn't returned her calls in, like, years.
We're all the family she has.
Of course, son.
We got carried away.
Not another word.
The dress is stunning.
Throw it in the trash.
Clem, this wedding is about you.
So it can be as big or as small as you want.
All I care about is that you're happy.
Sweetie, I get to marry you and be a part of this family.
How could I be any happier? Oh that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
Except for Walt's voice.
Oh, your daddy has got to sing at this wedding.
WALT: Honey, honey, let's not force them to make any decisions right now.
Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars I can't wait for our first dance.
Ooh, you know, what's gonna make our first dance really special? Is when I do this.
Can I get a beat? (beatboxing) Yeah.
That's not really a beat, but I'll dance to it anyway.
Yeah.
Solid abs, kid.
(both scream) Hey, sis.
Shannon, what are you doing here? I picked the lock and now I'm eating your leftover spaghetti.
Or pad thai.
Whatever it is, it's not very good.
How did you even get in the building? I snuck in behind some old blind lady with a cane.
Didn't even know I was in the elevator with her.
It was like a horror movie.
(chuckles) Is this your sister? Half sister.
You got any hot sauce or, like, a burrito? Well, Shannon, it's great to meet you.
Hot sauce is on the stove.
I'll be right back 'cause ya boy's naked.
(chuckles) Ooh! Speaking of hot sauce, who's that? He's my fiancé.
Ooh, "fiancé.
" Look who speaks French.
This place is bougie.
You got a piano.
(scoffs) Glass Tupperware.
Wait, am I, am I feeling central air? Shannon, what are you doing here? I needed a place to crash until my boyfriend gets back tomorrow.
He's selling a pound of weed to pay off the deposit for a new apartment.
He's a good man.
You're gonna live with a drug dealer? When you were 16, you lived with a drug dealer.
Mikey did not deal drugs.
Mikey did drugs.
There's a difference.
Why aren't you living with your mom? Oh, you are way behind.
She moved to Phoenix, like, a year ago, and I cannot take living with Dad anymore Shh! I told Nick that Dad was dead.
Why would you do that? Because he's a narcissistic sociopath.
Then what are you marrying him for? I'm talking about Dad.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
He totally is.
Look, family is really important to Nick.
And if he found out that I cut my own father out of my life, he would never understand, so I kind of, sort of panicked and Murdered Dad, you psycho? Look, Nick knows everything else about me, so please just don't say anything about Dad.
If there's one thing I'm good at, it's lying.
I need a beer, like, yesterday.
Uh n-n-n-n-n-no.
You cannot have a beer.
Dad doesn't care if I drink.
Well, Dad isn't here, is he? (crying): I know.
He's dead.
And he's never coming back, ever.
(whimpers) You're welcome.
Now can I have my beer? Babe, you forgot your lecture notes.
Mm.
Thank you.
Wait, is that, like, paper? What is this, the fifth century? (scoffs) Actually, paper was created in the eighth century but did not become ubiquitous until the Chinese brought papermaking to medieval Europe.
You right.
What are you? He happens to be an associate professor of world literature at NYU.
Hmm.
Hope he "happens to be" good in the sack.
Speaking of school, what are you, a sophomore? No, I dropped out last year, so I'm a no-more.
You dropped out of school? What do I need school for? The lady inside of this, she knows everything.
Okay, well, I got to get to campus.
- It was lovely meeting you.
- Not a hugger.
Okay.
I'll just give this to Clem.
All right.
Bye, sweetie.
Love you.
Bye.
How could you drop out of school? Oh, it was easy.
I just stopped going.
Does Dad know? I don't know.
I just keep on telling him I'm on Christmas break, and he keeps not caring about my life.
And what gives you the right to lecture me? Because I was you.
And then I got my life together.
I've got a great guy, I've got a great job, and yes, that is central air that you're feeling.
Great job? Based on what you're wearing, you're what? A Ghostbuster? I work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Busting ghosts? Event planning.
Okay, look, Shannon, I'm worried about you.
I really am.
And I want you to know that if there's anything you need, I'm here.
Oh, oh.
No, no.
I will never need a hug.
And don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
Okay, I won't worry about you.
So when's El Chapo picking you up? In, like, an hour.
And he doesn't have a stupid name like El Chapo.
(chuckles) His name is MC DJ Jo Jo.
Yep.
Nothing to worry about.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? Yes, I would like to report a father neglecting his child.
Clem! Hi-ya, Dad.
It's been years.
What are you doing here? Do you have any idea where your 16-year-old daughter is? Shannon's 16? She dropped out of high school.
Oh, calm down.
It's Christmas break.
Wait.
No, that can't be.
It's September.
Can we go someplace and talk in private? Yeah, sure.
Uh, can somebody get the hookers out of the holding room? Okay, you're still here, and you're making out with sweet, sweet Evan from down the hall? Dude, you ever heard of knocking? On my own front door? Yeah, no.
Mr.
Stewart, my mom told me to drop this off.
They delivered it to us by mistake.
And then I met Shannon, and I think I might be in love with her, Mr.
Stewart.
No, Evan.
You're confusing love with dry-humping.
Happens to the best of us.
What an amateur.
I mean, how long can you stay on first base without at least trying to steal second? What happened? I thought your boyfriend was picking you up this morning.
Loser broke up with me.
He met some ho at Arby's.
Which is ironic because he does not have the meats.
You know what? It sounds like you're better off without him.
What's that supposed to mean? Uh it means that you are better off without him I'm sorry, I really don't know how to articulate that any more clearly.
Oh, sure.
Defend him.
What? No.
I was just defending you.
Why? Because I'm a woman, so you don't think I can defend myself? Are you kidding? I am terrified of you.
I'm done with men.
They suck.
From now on, I'm going lesbian.
(knocking on door) Ah.
Too late, man, she a lesbian now.
I don't know why you're so concerned with Shannon.
Have you met her boyfriend? He's an MC and a DJ.
She broke into my apartment last night.
That's awesome.
I taught her how to pick locks, just like I taught you.
A dad isn't supposed to teach their kids how to pick locks.
He teaches them how to play sports and reads them books and helps them with their homework.
Well, how am I gonna do all that if I'm locked in a room - and she can't get in? - (sighs) This is exactly why I stopped talking to you.
Look, Clem, for the record, I never wanted this.
Me neither.
I mean, I never wanted kids.
Of course that's what you meant.
I knew I'd be bad at it! I didn't know what to do with you.
And after your mom died look, I tried to get you other moms, but women are whack jobs.
You guys are angry, like, all the time.
Has it ever occurred to you that if all the women you know are angry, "like, all the time," maybe it's because of you? Nah.
I don't know.
Maybe.
You know, I used to take Shannon to the zoo, and we'd watch the pandas for hours.
And I remember seeing this one rocking his little cub to sleep, and I just started to cry, because I couldn't believe that a panda was a better dad than you.
A panda.
I mean, it's not like pandas have a lot going on.
You know, in spite of you, I managed to turn out okay.
But lightning doesn't strike twice.
Bring her home.
Shannon needs a father.
For once in your life, try to be one.
See? Women.
Whack jobs.
Hey, baby, I've been trying to call you.
Look how cute you look.
How was your day? (grunts) That good, huh? - It was awful.
- Aw.
But I'm so glad that we're finally alone.
Mm, mm-mm.
Shannon's in the other room.
What? She's still here? What happened? Well, to everyone's shock, the drug dealer turned out not to be a good person.
Well, what is she gonna do? I don't know.
I told her she could crash here another night till she figures it out.
And when my mom found out Shannon was here, she invited us over for dinner.
Shannon? At your parents' house? Hope your mom's making corn dogs for dinner.
Oh, my God, my wedding dress.
Well, I was right.
Long, white, and the head pops out of the top.
(laughs) What the hell are you doing? What? We're having dinner with the in-laws, and I wanted to wear something nice, so I grabbed this dumb old thing.
It's a Christian Dior.
Who cares what religion it is? - Just take it off.
- Okay, okay.
Fine.
I thought you guys would laugh.
Look, Shannon, Nick's parents mean a lot to me, so tonight, just please try not to What, embarrass you in front of them? I'm not a monster, Clem.
I mean, look at you.
You made something of yourself.
I'm almost kind of happy for you.
Really? You are? Come on.
Let's go find you something to wear that's less deeply meaningful and important to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you eat all of my nuts? Nick did.
(laughs) Nick ate all my pot nuts? Wait, your what nuts? My pot nuts.
Nuts with pot in them.
My mari-walnuts.
Oh, no.
We're going to his parents' house.
Don't worry.
They're super mild.
Nick will be fine.
(cackling) NICK: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know what you all are thinking.
"How did he get those olives on his fingers?" That is absolutely not what we were thinking.
I removed the pimentos.
Ah Are you all right, son? I am bitchin', Dad.
(Nick laughs) This is so lovely.
It really is.
Thank you so much for having us over for dinner.
It's our pleasure.
Besides, it's so wonderful to finally meet your sister.
Half sister.
We share the same dad.
Oh.
Who's, like, totally dead.
I am so sorry about your father.
How did he pass? Oh, it's-it's fine.
He was hit by a bu - Cancer.
Mm-hmm.
- Cancer.
He was hit by butt cancer.
(laughs) (doorbell rings) Nicholas, that's not funny.
We are talking about their late father.
Good evening, Officer.
Can I help you? Yeah, are, uh, Clem and Shannon here? I'm their dad.
Oh, my God, he's alive! NICK: Clementine, you told me your dad was dead.
This looks like very much the opposite.
How did you even find us? I'm a homicide detective.
I have a hundred illegal ways to track people down.
What are you even doing here? That speech you gave at the station about how Shannon was a messed up panda, it-it got to me.
I came to take her off your hands like you begged me to.
You begged Dad to come and get me? What the hell is wrong with you, Clem? I'm sorry.
Look, I Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If you did not die from butt cancer, what did you die from? Who is this guy? He's stoned out of his gourd.
He's my fiancé.
And my son does not smoke pot.
Oh, he didn't smoke it.
He ate it.
And that is on me.
(laughs) Suddenly this evening is starting to make sense.
Why didn't you tell me you were engaged? For the same reason that I told everyone you were dead.
Because I want nothing to do with you.
These people are my family now, because my real one is a disaster.
Wow.
You hear that, Shannon? You're a disaster.
I was mostly talking to you, Dad.
Wow.
You hear that, Shannon? "Mostly.
" - Come on, kid.
- Whatever.
- Bye, Clems.
- (sighs) Shannon Nick, I am so sorry.
How could you lie to me like that? Oh, come on.
Everyone lies a little.
Even you.
Like, I mean, you told me that you've only been with five women in your entire life, and we both know that that's - That's true.
- That's true.
We both know that's true.
I just wish you felt like you could be honest with me.
That's all.
And why are there pimentos in my pocket? Look, I lied to you because I was afraid.
Afraid that if you knew the truth, you wouldn't love me.
Of course I'd love you.
And honestly, now that I know everything you've been through, and you still became this amazing person, I might love you even more.
(laughs softly) Is this Shannon's? Oh, she must've left it here.
(gasps) Her panda.
I got this for her when she was little.
I know this is hard to believe, but she used to be the sweetest kid in the entire world.
I can totally see that.
Aw, look.
She tried to steal our Nespresso machine.
Shannon's all alone, Nick.
Like I was.
I need to be there for her.
We do.
Can we go get her? Let's go.
(exhales) I am so lucky to have you.
I'm the lucky one.
You are seriously the most incredible woman in the world.
I'm really not.
And if you'd slept with more people, you would know that.
Come on, Shannon.
Open up.
I would, but I'm too busy being a disaster.
(lock clicking) Huh.
Haven't done that in years.
What do you and Hot Sauce want? You left your backpack.
Whoa, whoa.
What happened to my Nespresso machine? We want you to come live with us.
(scoffs) Hard pass.
My life is Gucci.
No, Shannon, your life is not Gucci.
I know, because I had it.
I drank a lot, I smoked a lot, I hooked up with a fair amount.
And after all that, you know what I ended up getting? HPV? No.
No.
What I got was nothing.
I had to figure everything out the hard way, and it sucked.
You could use an older sister.
Sister? That means nothing.
Dad knocked up two different women, and we popped out.
There's probably 20 more running around New York that look vaguely like us.
Hey, of all the places you could've broken into, you broke into your sister's apartment.
That means something.
Look, I used to think family meant nothing, too.
But then I met this guy, and I realized that family is everything.
No one says "family" anymore.
It's just "fam.
" Come on.
Go get your stuff.
Let's go home.
Are you guys sure about this? We have never been less sure about anything in our entire lives.
(laughs) I knew she was a hugger.
Guess who's coming in to get some.
(laughs) - Zip me to the zop - Oh Flip me, flip my flop (Shannon chuckles) What? So I put some mari-walnuts on their salad.
I got to find some way to make these family dinners interesting.
Thank you for letting her stay here.
I couldn't say no.
Well, you could have.
Now, see, I did not know that.
Fill my heart with song - Come on, baby.
- And let me sing forevermore Sing forevermore.