Fam (2019) s01e13 Episode Script

This is Fam

1 Whew.
I don't know what's happening to me.
I have never been happier, but the closer the wedding gets, the more I feel the urge to burst into tears.
I don't even get why you guys want to get married.
I mean, look at Dad.
He's been married four times.
Once just 'cause he wanted new silverware.
My point is, you want to ruin a relationship, get married.
Yeah, I maybe wouldn't lead with that in your toast.
[knock on door] [voice breaking]: Hey, Dad.
See, it's happening again.
- What's with her? - Marriage.
Clem.
Shannon.
Guy who's getting me a beer.
Hey, he acknowledged me! What's up, Dad? First of all, how flexible is this start time for the wedding? 'Cause I found some Yankee tickets In the pocket of a dead guy at a crime scene? Nailed it, sweetheart.
You have to be on time, Dad.
You're walking me down the aisle.
For once in your life, do the right thing and sell that murder victim's tickets on StubHub.
Okay, okay.
Of course.
I'll be there.
Anyway, I got something I want to give you.
A camcorder from 1980.
You shouldn't have.
And it is strange that you did.
No, it's what's on the VHS tape inside.
The camcorder's just to hook up to your TV so you can watch it.
So, what's on the tape? Well, you remember when you were ten and your mom died? Yes.
Well, she knew it was coming for a while, and, uh, she made this tape for you, Clem.
She asked me to give it to you shortly before your wedding.
Seriously? I can't believe this.
Should I watch it now? Up to you.
But I will need this camcorder back.
I'm watching Caddyshack this weekend.
I can't believe I'm gonna get to see my mom.
Wow.
You know, I got to say, Freddy, I mean, - for you to keep something like this - Dibs on leather chair.
Yeah.
[grunts] All right.
Here we go.
Hi, Clemmy.
If you're watching this, you are about to be married.
And your dad hasn't lost this tape.
Both of which are things to be celebrated.
Uh, nothing would make me happier than to be able to be there with you today.
To get to know the person that you've chosen.
To see my beautiful little girl all grown-up.
[sighs] Look, I don't pretend to know everything about marriage, but if I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be this.
I'll be ready Never you fear Baywatch?! Oh, this is not good.
- [TV turns off] - You taped over my dead mother's final words to me for an episode of Baywatch?! People, we are in the homestretch.
The wedding is in two days, and we can afford no mishaps.
Shannon, I am looking at you.
No arrests, no ditching town, and, please, no vaping in the wedding pictures.
Okay, very rude singling me out.
But yeah, I was gonna do all of those things.
[laughs] ROSE: And, Freddy, given your very important role of walking this beauty down the aisle, combined with your label of the least dependable person in this family Ha! In your face, Shannon.
we will be sending a limo to make sure that you arrive at the venue on time.
Rose, will it be a problem that I'm not speaking to my father right now? Because I'm not speaking to my father right now.
Clem, I feel terrible.
I took the tape down to the boys at the lab.
They work wonders.
So fingers crossed they can recover something.
Nick, will you please ask my father if that's even possible? They're making it their top priority.
I told them not to solve any murders until this gets done.
Moving on.
Clem, where are we with the marriage license? All good.
Going to the courthouse to get it tomorrow.
Great.
What time is your appointment? My appointment? Oh, God.
Please tell me you have an appointment.
I didn't think that you needed one.
I figured you could just show up.
- [gasps] - What happens if we can't get the license tomorrow? Well, you can still go through with the ceremony.
You just won't be legally married until you actually get your license.
Well, I don't want to get fake married.
I want it to mean something when I say "I do" in front of my friends and my family and all those other people that Rose invited.
Yeah, I don't want to get fake married, either.
I want everything to be perfect.
This is the only wedding I'll ever have.
[laughs] That's cute.
See? Everything's working out.
We're gonna get our license, everything's back on track, and I didn't waste any time "making an appointment.
" Yeah, and it's my first time at the courthouse without being cuffed.
[laughs] Sounds like it's a big day for everybody.
So sorry.
Just to confirm, your name is Clementine Barnes? Born New York, June 4, 1991? Yes.
Clementine Lawrence Taylor Barnes? Damn it, Dad.
- Yes.
- [laughs] Your middle name is Lawrence Taylor? How did I not know that? Says here you're already married.
- What? - What?! How did I not know that, L.
T.
? So, Clem, any other secrets I should know about? Are you in the CIA? Are you actually your own evil twin? Did you have a lesbian phase? You know I had a lesbian phase.
I know.
I just like hearing about it.
There he is.
My husband.
Clemmy.
Ben, I need a divorce.
This is my date, David.
Super confused but loving the drama.
Do you remember a few years ago when we had what we thought was a pretend wedding in Vegas? [chuckles] It turns out it wasn't pretend.
We are really married.
Oh, my God, are we the cutest? [chuckles] - I mean, we're not not cute.
- [chuckles] Cosmo.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some I.
D.
Oh, of course.
Thank you, Phyllis.
You're welcome, dear.
Ben, we need you to come with us right now.
We've got to fix this.
David, I apologize, but I have to cut this date short.
My wife needs me.
You'd be surprised how often I hear that.
Okay, so the last thing before we grant the annulment: Can you attest that the marriage was never consummated? - Uh - I'll handle this.
We were in Vegas to see Céline Dion.
That's good enough for the state of New York.
So, that's it? We're not married anymore? Which means that we can get married.
Correct.
[both sigh] Or you'll be able to in two weeks, once the paperwork's approved.
Oh, uh, let me get this straight.
The "approved" stamp is right there, and the paperwork is right there, but you won't stamp it for two weeks? I mean, if it's really important to you, I can stamp it right now.
[sighs] But I can't give it to you for two weeks.
Wait, what am I even saying? I can't even do that.
But just saying it made me feel more alive than I've felt in years.
Well, can't you speak to your supervisor or something? Oh, we're gonna do that dance? I'll be right back.
Dude, maybe this whole thing is just a sign.
Our family just isn't cut out for marriage.
I mean, think about Dad and Jolene.
Or Dad and Carol.
Or Dad and Other Carol.
Look, I get your concern, but I am nothing like Dad.
Yeah, I mean, you've only had one failed marriage.
Hey, don't talk to my wife that way.
[chuckles]: Okay, that didn't feel right.
So, I spoke to my supervisor, and there's nothing we can do.
Well, I'd like to speak to them.
Full disclosure, there is no supervisor.
I was just nuking a burrito.
[voice breaking]: Well, I guess our wedding's gonna be a sham.
I'm sorry, Nick.
- It's - SHANNON: Clem.
Clem.
I guess what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas.
I'm sorry, Nicky.
Look Joe? I'm not taking no for an answer.
Did my fiancée do some impulsive, crazy thing? Hell yeah, she did.
Does it drive your boy nuts when she does stuff like that? Hell yes, it does.
But it's also the reason why I love that woman.
Because without Clementine Barnes, without Clementine Lawrence Taylor Barnes my life would be predictable.
And boring.
You know what I mean, Joe? I've filled out the same three forms all day, every day, for the last decade.
So yeah, I know.
Look, I just want my wedding to be perfect, and it's not going to be if it's not real, so let me ask you, Joe.
Will you be my hero? Me? Hero? Yeah, you heard me, Joe.
This is rarely said in my line of work, but - [whispers]: I'm gonna help you.
- Yeah! [laughs] [grunts] Well, Clem, we did it.
Your day is finally here.
What am I gonna do in my spare time when this is all over? Clem, I need you to start having babies right away.
Rose, I want to thank you for everything.
I cannot wait to marry your son in front of all the people that I love.
- Oh.
- And your dry cleaner insurance guy, mechanic and basically, all the freaks at table eight.
[laughs] Oh, Clem, you look absolutely beautiful.
Aw, thank you.
Ah.
Shannon Patrick Ewing Barnes, you put that down.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
Is everybody ready, Walt? Yes, everyone that is here is absolutely ready.
Who's not here? My dad.
No, he's not.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Where the hell is he? Well, the Yankees are tied in the ninth, so I'm gonna go with in line for beer at Yankee Stadium.
Wow.
Shocking.
You know what? I raised myself.
I can walk myself down the aisle.
Sweetheart, we can wait.
No.
I am done waiting.
All I do is wait.
Wait for him to change.
But you know what? He is who he is.
He's the kind of guy who would blow off his own daughter's wedding to go to a Yankee game.
- [knocking] - [groans] ROSE: Oh, wait a minute, now, mister.
- You're not supposed to be in here.
- Mom Mom, it's okay.
We just got a call from your father's precinct.
Freddy's been shot.
[Rose and Clem gasp] Dad.
It's us.
You're gonna be okay.
- You're gonna pull through.
- You think that he can hear me? Dad, it's Shannon.
I love you.
CLEM: Dad, listen to me.
You can't die.
Okay? I know I give you a hard time, but I don't mean it.
[sniffles] I forgive you for everything.
Just please FREDDY: Could I get that in writing, Clem? - Dad! - Dad! What, you really think a little bullet's gonna stop me? Who am I, this guy? Ow! You let us think that you were gonna die? It's not my fault you didn't look around the room.
But now we all know how you girls really feel.
Shannon loves me, and Clem forgives me.
Amen! - So you're okay? - Hey, yeah, I'll be fine.
But the bullet's still lodged in my hip.
I'm gonna need surgery.
What happened? Well, I was getting a shave, and some bastard robbed the place.
I stopped the guy, but his gun went off when I tackled him.
Since when do you get a shave? I wanted to look nice for you, kiddo.
Thanks, Dad.
You look beautiful, by the way.
So, how was the wedding? Anybody get drunk and take their shirt off? That was gonna be my big move.
It hasn't happened yet.
We rushed over here as soon as we heard.
You did? Yeah.
Because you're my dad and I love you.
Even when I hate you.
[sighs]: Well well, get back over there.
And for what it's worth, I'm sorry I won't be able to walk you down the aisle or see you get married.
Me, too, Dad.
But I promise you, I'll be the first one there at your next wedding.
Talk about signs, Clem.
First the annulment thing.
Now Dad literally gets shot.
Kind of feels like the universe doesn't want you to get married.
It kind of feels like you don't want me to get married, Shannon.
- Wha - You keep making jokes, saying that I'm gonna end up like Dad and Carol or Dad and Other Carol.
Ah.
Other Carol.
Now, there was an attractive Mennonite.
Okay.
I don't think that you guys are gonna end up like Dad and anyone.
I think that you and Nick are gonna have a great marriage.
That's what I'm worried about.
I should get in touch with Other Carol.
What are you talking about? You guys are starting a new life together, and a lot of things are gonna change.
You'll have a baby, and then you'll start spending time with your baby, and eventually y-you're not even gonna want me around anymore.
That's not true.
There will always be room for you.
Do you mean that? Because I cannot live with Dad again.
No offense, Dad.
Whatever.
You love me.
No take-backs.
Shannon, you're my sister.
You'll always have a home with us.
[monitor flatlining] [monitor beeping steadily] Damn it.
Almost had me a private room.
Hey.
How's Freddy doing? He is currently hitting on a nurse while connected to a morphine machine, so he's basically living his dream.
Thank the Lord.
So, should we get back to the church? I guess so.
I just wish there was a way for Dad to be there.
[mutters] Maybe there is.
What? What if we had the wedding here? Here, as in this hospital here? The only thing that matters is family.
And, well this is where our family is.
What do you say, Clem? I'd say that's a pretty impulsive idea, Nick.
Well, it looks like somebody's rubbing off on me.
Whoa nine months from now, Nana Rose is gonna have a grandbaby! Yup.
And I'm definitely not gonna focus on how much money we just lit on fire, threw in the toilet, dried off and lit on fire again.
Excuse me.
Padre? What kind of services do you do? Is it just death death? Or can you also do the kind of death that is marriage? I see trees of green Red roses, too I see them bloom For me and for you And I think to myself What a wonderful world The colors of the rainbow So pretty in the sky Are also on the faces Of the people going by I see friends shaking hands Saying, "How do you do?" They're really saying "I love you" I hear babies cry I watch them grow They'll learn much more Than I'll ever know And I think to myself What a wonderful world And I think to myself What a wonderful World.
Hey, everybody.
I brought appetizers! They're not the Kobe beef sliders we were gonna serve and I already paid for, but Who would like to "snap into a Slim Jim"? Uh, Clem, I got a little wedding gift for you.
The tech nerds recovered your mom's tape.
Oh, my God.
Here.
I'll put it in for you.
[exhales] Okay, I was skeptical at first, but this is really good.
If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be this: Never forget how much you love the person you're about to marry, because that will carry you through all the challenges that life throws your way.
And learn to ignore the blemishes, like I did with your dad, because he might not be perfect or, like, even close to perfect, but, um deep down, that guy has always loved me more than anything in the world.
Until he met you.
I love you, sweetheart.
[sighs] I love you so much.
Congratulations.
Oh, she was beautiful.
[sighs] Yeah, real classy broad.
Hey, just came to check on the patient.
How you feeling? Like I got shot by a meth-head.
Oh, wait.
I did.
So, Doc, when do you think I'm gonna get out of here, huh? Well, you should be out in a few days, but you've got a long recovery ahead.
He's gonna need months of physical therapy, no strenuous activity, no stairs.
I'll be back in a little bit.
No stairs.
Great.
My building doesn't even have an elevator.
We have one.
Are you serious? Clem.
What are you doing? I think I'm asking Dad to come stay with us.
Do I get any say in this? Nope.
You're married now.
Really? You guys are sure about this? [quietly]: No.
We have [sighs] never been less sure of anything in our entire lives.
Dibs on Shannon's room.
- [gasps] Wha? - Come on.
Come here, come here.