Famalam (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE BONE CRACKS, HE SCREAMS SIREN WAILS Hey, man! Look, for the last time, I'm a superhero.
- Look at the cape.
- Suspect is a black male, over.
Fucking hell.
Don't give them hot chocolate! Yo.
Let's slow it down for all the lovers out there.
Even gangsters need vacations.
Let's take it to the tropics.
Wanting you, loving you Boy, you make my heart go crazy My girlfriends tell me you're no good But your lovin' is so good Yeah, you thought I was a waste, man When I had that gun up in my waistband But I'm a changed man King, got you livin' in Graceland Queen, you're in safe hands Sex on the beach, no more fake tan Oi! How many times do I have to tell you lot?! This is a building site! You should be wearing hard hats at the very least.
You weren't much use, Dave! MAN AND WOMAN MOANING Oh! Oh, my God! - That was amazing.
- Yeah.
That thing you did with your tongue oh, my God! - Hey, you've got some moves, too.
- You know what? You're the best I've ever had.
Yeah, I mean, same here.
Well, top three.
Best ever, definitely.
I know, right? That's real sexual chemistry.
- So, you want to spend the night? - Er I've actually got a thing - in the morning.
- SHOGUN COCKS But, yeah, I definitely want to spend the night.
I've got a great feeling about us.
Oh, OK, again? Right.
Not sure if I'm quite recharged but I had only just finished Mass and came outside and, uh, there he was.
FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS Detective Moses Mountree reporting for duty.
What happened to Detective Barnaby? Oh, I guess you ain't ever heard of a transfer.
Bitch! What in the hell happened to this nigga? Well, I had only just finished Mass No, I'm sick and tired of your jive-ass, monkey-fucking hunk of shit.
- I think you did it.
- Me? I know a dope pusher when I see a dope pusher, dope pusher.
- But I'm a vicar.
- Where the dope at? - Aargh.
- Where the dope at?! I don't even know what dope is.
- Stop, he's just a vicar! - Stay out of this, bitch! Ooh, hello.
How y'all doin'? Goddamn, Detective Mountree .
that was the best loving I've ever had.
Hell, I know.
Don't have to tell me twice, I'm Mountree.
Where are you going? Oh, I'm just going to see that dope-pushing vicar.
Hand me my weapon.
- Bang, bang.
- Yes, baby.
What are you going to do to him? I'm going to ask him a few questions.
With my bullets .
in his dick.
Jesus, can you hear me? I don't know where else to turn.
I'm desperate.
I need your help.
I can hear you, my son.
I have always been listening.
Who are you? It is I, Jesus.
I heard your prayer and I've come to help you.
You're not Jesus.
I I am.
But doesn't Jesus look a bit more like? Oh! Oh, I see, you, er You thought I'd be white.
Kind of, yeah.
Look, I don't know what to tell you.
I was born in the Middle East 2,000 years ago, the Bible's very clear about that.
It should be pretty obvious I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes.
- I guess so.
- Plus, have you heard my story? I was arrested by a mob of angry government officials and beaten for a crime I didn't commit.
That shit doesn't happen to white people.
And there was some confusion over who your father was.
- OK, that's just racist.
- Sorry.
It's just You're not really what I was expecting, that's all.
Would you like me to fetch white Jesus instead? - Oh, could you? - No! There is no white Jesus.
It's just me.
Now, do you want my help or not? Yeah, I suppose so.
After all, you know, black or white, we're both still Christians, right? I'm guessing now's not the time to tell you I'm Jewish.
It was nice, huh? Ask if there's some leftovers.
Yeah, my sister, there are some leftovers.
Some leftovers.
Oh, hello! Hey.
Hold Hold! ANIMAl SNORTS IN SLOW MOTION: Noooooow! ROARING It was a nice party.
Yeah, the young people know how to have fun these days, you know.
And she looked good.
- She says her hair is 100% Kanekalon.
- Uh-huh.
Night, Auntie, goodbye! Goodbye, Auntie! I believe she just came for the leftovers.
- Shame.
- No sense.
My sister, how is Adetonkom? Ah, he is well! MUSIC Exclusive newsflash for a man like me, Scribbler P Hey, yo, keep it on the down-low, but Prince Harry's gone and bagged himself a sister! Mad ting! But here you are, the royal family's been down with the swell for time! Look at Prince Charles, moving wine, Harry and Rihanna looking fine! Rihanna, that is.
Man, don't float them ways, you get me? Although big up to Harry, though, he's now way better-looking than the other one, innit? The bald brother.
Even the really old coloniser likes his chocolate dark, and African! Go on, Auntie! Look at Harry run from that dowry! What you scared of?! Hey, man good job these photographers had an opportunity to take photos of all this integration between the royals and black people! But I'm sure Prince Charles stays jamming with carnival girls all the time anyway, innit? Prince Harry wearing shades and cooking up garri, finally he met a sister light enough to marry! "Hear ye, hear ye, I hereby announce mixed-race babies cute as fuck!" "Knock-knock, delivery for Madonna!" 0i! One question, though where's your 'fro gone, girl? Burn them European beauty standards and embrace your natural pepper grains! And also, yeah, put a word in for me for Pippa, innit? She's kind of meaty still, you get me? Hey, man, that's all the news from man like me, Scribbler P.
HE GASPS Er Thanks for seeing me, Your Holiness.
I was hoping you could help me.
You wish to lose weight.
Wow, yes.
How did you know? Professor Lofuko knows all things.
OK, so how? How How do I? Sshhh HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE UNEARTHLY WHISPERS GOAT BLEATS Give me your hand, child! To lose the weight, you must rub this potion on your stomach before and after every meal, always facing east.
But never on the first Sunday of every month, you hear me, child? - Yes! - Do you hear me? Yes! I hear you! And now, are you ready for your final instructions? - I'm ready! - Ou must listen carefully.
I'm listening! You must You must You must! Go for a jog! What? Yes, jog a few times a week and stop eating so much, fuckin' hell.
75 quid.
I don't know what you heard about me But a bitch can't get I a dollar out of me I No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see That I'm a motherfuckin' P-I-M-P I don't know what you heard about me Hey, man, what the fuck?! - Can-can I help you? - Do one, bruv! Eurgh.
Racist! Hello, there.
SHE LAUGHS Bye-bye, Shanghai! Fantastic Egusi Films and multi-award-winning director Tobias Akinbobo present their soon-to-be explosive blockbuster-juggernaut Faster Faster Angry Angry! If you love cars and guns and angry people, then you will love this totally original movie films! .
as undercover Agent Folarin.
You have to infiltrate a merciless gang of bandits and drag racers! The leader of the gang is a man named Cisco.
HE LAUGHS You will have to race him .
to the death! To the death? - To the death! - OK! Fuckin' hell! Featuring the muscular torso of Babatunde Warrington! WOLF WHISTLE With the acting debut of a very well-known hip-hop artist MONOTONE: Goddammit, I am angry, I am so fucking angry, I've never been so angry before, and I'm close to I'm in a blind fucking rage.
who will then release a tie-in musical single.
Swerving lanes and drivin' fast Real brothers had to get this cash Authentic stars! 0verly sexualised flag-waving! 0oh! And cars! Lots and and lots of cars! Seriously, we have a fucking lot of cars in this film! Oh, yes, and it's also in three dimensionals.
Aaargh! So long, Cisco! Faster Faster Angry Angry! Coming soon.
MUFFLED: Help me! Control, we've found the Prime Minister.
- Help! - No sign of the suspects.
Help me! What is it, Sarge? Do you think we should call the bomb squad? Sh! Prime Minister, we will get you out of here.
I'm going to need you to stay very, very still, all right? HE LAUGHS Come on! Clap, clap, clap, shake.
Go on, girl! Look at the bunny! Can you do a split on the D? Hey! THEY LAUGH Oi! Shut it! Sort him out.
That bunny cracks me up! Welcome back to Wake Up Now on Channel 8701 with myself, William, and my wife Funke! Joining me now is James from Brack-in-ell who, because of his own negligence, has had his home repossessed.
What a shame my own lying, cheating bastard of a husband, William, a most unsatisfactory lover, cannot repossess his own self-worth and dignity! HE LAUGHS My trout-mouthed heathen of a spouse is wrong! Because as fate would have rendered it, I have been fucking Sue in the make-up department for a few weeks now! And we are loving it.
She's tight in the popular region, polar opposite of Funke.
Correction, I am very tight.
If my husband had some extra width in the vital departments, he would not be left wanting! Oh, is that James? Hello, James, are you there? H-hello, hello, William William and Funke.
I'm here, I'm Oh, just tell us about your fiscal collapse.
OK, erm I lost my home, I lost my girlfriend, I lost everything.
I don't even know what I'm going to do.
For starters, you can act like a man now! But she's gone and I I don't know if she's coming back.
I just don't know what I'm going to do! You need to find yourself another babe, you disgrace of a man! And when you find this other babe, you need to hold her by the hips Mmm and tell her you love her and you can never let her go.
And that you love her, and she's the only one.
You've gotta be the man for her.
Kiss me, you sexy bastard! I want to contain your plantain! Ha, la-la-la-la, bam-bam, he-lam, tam-tam! Come on! - What about my problem? - BOTH: Fuck your problem! I like peanut butter on my nipple! Don't make me shoot yo' ass! Oh, you don't know about no dope, huh? Y-you're a bad motherfucker, Moses Mountree.
- Oh! - Amen to that! Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga Black man in a white man's world Yeah! Driving cars, finding dope - And killin' vicars - With his .
44 Magnum Don't fuck around with Moses Mountree He's the baddest Thank you for coming today, everyone.
When I was asked to pay tribute to Nathan.
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say about him.
But then I realised .
I didn't need to.
Because the best way to honour this great and poetic man .
is to let his music speak for him.
So, let's hear from Nathan.
I got some titties in my truck Titties for good luck Let me seem them titties Cos a brother wanna suck Sing it with me, nigga Fuck, shit, ho, pussy, drugs and guns Fuck-fuck-fuck, shit, ho, pussy, drugs and guns Fuck-fuck-fuck, shit, ho, pussy, drugs and guns Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy.
He really did love big tits.