Family Guy s02e10 Episode Script

Running Mates

LOIS: [Singing]|"It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good,|old-fashioned values "on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll|positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" STEWIE: I say, Rupert, these crumpets|you've prepared look positively divine! Excellent texture, provocative support.
|Try another, you say? Aren't I the wicked one? Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt.
|It's disgusting.
And I suppose the bilious curds|you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then? - Glen, would you mind holding Stewie?|- Said and done.
Hey there, spud with the mud.
Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva? CLEVELAND: Hi.
You've got our votes.
|LOIS: Thank you, Cleveland.
Someone has to run against|that awful Betsy Lebeau.
She actually opposes background checks|for new teachers! God knows who she might hire.
TEACHER: So the square of a hypotenuse,|which we will label C making the sides opposite both of the|acute angles A and B always equals the sum|of the squares of the other sides.
Any questions? It's just something I have to do.
Even if winning means spending time|out of the house and away from my family.
Out of the house? Why, I'd be free|from your oppressive gynocracy! You should be out giving speeches,|shaking hands, kissing babies! Not this baby! Lois, you seen my pants? [Audience laughing] Boy, I'll be glad when that studio audience|moves out of the neighborhood.
PETER: Lois, what's with the sign? Peter, we discussed this.
|I'm running for School Board.
You never listen to me.
Yeah, I remember.
|Hey, Cleveland.
Hey, Quagmire.
Lois, what's with the sign? You guys? Chris' principal just called.
|Chris is in trouble.
That's it! I'm calling the cops! PRINCIPAL: Mr.
Griffin, I'm afraid|I have bad news.
I caught your son peeking|into the girls' locker room.
Oh, Chris! So what's the big deal?|It's normal for a boy his age to be curious.
I remember when I first noticed|girls starting to develop.
PRESENTER: Welcome to|eighth grade orientation, everyone.
Locker assignments will be handed out|in the library after lunch period.
If you have any questions|about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come LOIS: We'll continue this discussion|tonight, young man.
A woman is not an object.
Your mother is right, son.
|Listen to what it says.
- Peter!|- I didn't say that.
Lee Majors did.
What? Women are things.
Oh, my God! It's Mr.
Fargas! He was my favorite teacher! Take out your scalpels, kids.
|We're going to dissect a clown! [Students gasping] [Scalpel cutting tissue] No wonder this clown died.
|His lungs are filled with candy! Why don't you go say hello? I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers|in the teachers' lounge.
PETER: Hey, Mr.
Fargas!|It's me, Peter Griffin! Griffin.
Sorry, not on the list.
Don't you remember me?|I was your favorite student.
You taught me everything.
Math, science.
You even taught me how|to dance just in time for the prom.
Peter, you start like this.
Like this? Yeah.
Now add a little turn|and do a buck and wing.
Come on, Mr.
Fargas,|do the whole darn thing.
Jeez, Mr.
Fargas, what happened to you?|Somebody give you a fun-ectomy? No, they gave me these|by order of the School Board.
They said it evens me out.
FARGAS: Sorry to fly off the handle.
|PETER: Here, let me see that.
That's what I think about you taking|chill pills from the Man.
Look, the old Farg made learning fun.
|He's what these kids need.
Now get back in that classroom|and teach your "Fargin"' ass off.
[Rhythmic thumping noises] CHRIS: Don't come in! Just a minute! Chris, your mother wants me and you|to have a talk.
CHRIS: No! I was going for a new record.
Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us|to look at naked girls.
Every man does it, even Mr.
Hello, neighbor.
[Groaning] But peeping can be dangerous,|so I brought you this.
- Wow! Miss December!|- Yep, the old skin bin.
Now you can look at naked girls|all you want and it's perfectly legal! Wow, check out the rack on Mom? Give me that! Just a little present your mom gave me|for our anniversary.
All right, Dad! CHRIS: Hey, Dad.
[Rhythmic thumping noises resume] MEG: Mom, if you get elected|can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen? Honey, of course I can.
But winning without honor|isn't really winning at all.
- Isn't that right, Milli?|- No, it's just as good.
"Baby" What's the use? You're right.
Cease this prattling! This campaign literature must be posted|today to get you into office and out of my life,|you festering strumpet! PETER: Hey, you guys.
|Lois, you running for School Board? MEG: Look, Chris' school is on TV.
The egg drop, an annual tradition|for junior-high-school science students.
Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High,|an egg drop conducted by teacher Randall Fargas seems to have gone|horribly wrong.
We now go live to Action News 5|Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.
Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me|are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered|California condor.
Welcome back, Fargas.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna wipe|that species off the face of the earth! No, Lois.
The janitor'll do that.
I'm getting word|that the Quahog School Board has just dismissed Randall Fargas,|ending his 32-year teaching career.
- What? They can't do that!|- Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.
In other news, Betsy Lebeau,|School Board President candidate announced today she's pulling out|of the race.
Lebeau's withdrawal leaves housewife,|Lois Griffin, running unopposed.
My goodness! I win by default! Great.
You can get Mr.
Fargas his job back.
I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own! And I happen to agree|with the School Board's decision.
I know you're a feminist|and I think that's adorable but this is grown-up time|and I'm the man.
I'm not giving that lunatic his job back|and that's final.
Lois, I can't let you deprive our children|of a fine teacher like Mr.
I'm gonna stop you the only way I can by killing you in the race for School Board President! Peter, are you sure running against Lois|is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.
I can be just as non-competitive|as anybody.
Matter of fact,|I'm the most non-competitive.
So I win.
Come on, you can't even handle|losing at checkers.
King me.
PETER: Look over there!|BRIAN: What? Peter, since when do you care|about the School Board? Lois, Mr.
Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you|is the only way to get him back then I am gonna run|like the Six Million Dollar Man.
AGENT: We can rebuild him.
We have the technology,|but I don't want to spend a lot of money.
[Adventurous instrumental music] Fine, if you feel that strongly,|then by all means run.
But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna|pull any punches on the issues.
PETER: I'm Lois.
Look at me with my big ideas|and my pointy nose.
[Childish babbling] This'll be even easier|than running unopposed.
Is that so? Not only am I gonna win this election I am gonna eat your nose.
[Amused sigh] See you on the campaign trail.
[Military instrumental music] [Patriotic instrumental music] STEWIE: Oh, my.
Look where my hand is.
I say, look where my hand is! It's in a very naughty place.
Does that not disgust you? You're talking to a guy|who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Now look here, you loathsome cur! The matron of prattle|has left me in your ward.
You should be striving to thwart|my noisome misdeeds.
STEWIE: Look at me.
|I'm writing profanity on the wall! BRIAN: Water-soluble.
Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved!|I've been a bawdy little monkey! If that vile woman were here,|she'd prove a worthy adversary.
BRIAN: What's the matter?|Miss your mommy? Yes, that's it.
That's quite good.
|Yes, I miss my mommy.
- I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.
|- Whatever you say, Mama's boy.
Blast! Hey, Chris! Hector found two rocks outside|that look like boobs! You in? Who needs rocks when you got these? - Check it out!|- Wow! PETER: Vote for Peter Griffin! Look at all of Lois' signs! Talk about seeing red.
Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy|may have become a lost cause.
The debate is tonight and you don't seem|to have any supporters.
Don't sweat it, the Griffin men|have always been winners dating back to my diminutive|great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin.
[Raucous cheering] Fellas, the debate's in the bag, all right? If there's one thing I can do,|it's play to a crowd.
TOM: Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping|industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt and passive-aggressivist,|Barbara Pewterschmidt.
Tonight she takes on|her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin Quahog's native son, self-described|Huguenot, don't know what that means and community activist.
Go, Dad.
He can't hear you.
Go, Dad! TOM: So fasten your seat belts.
|We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter,|Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all! BRIAN: "Of suns and worlds I nothing had|to say I see mankind's self-torturing pains" No! You're doing it wrong! When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles|in a scary voice like this! BRIAN: Is that the way Mommy reads it?|STEWIE: I do not miss that ogress.
STEWIE: She can burn in hell for all I care!|BRIAN: Sure she can.
Damn! [Singing]|"I've grown accustomed to her face "She almost makes the day begin "I've grown accustomed to the tune|that she whistles night and noon "Her smiles, her frowns,|her ups, her downs "are second nature to me now "Like breathing out and breathing in "I'm very grateful she's a woman "and so easy to forget,|rather like a habit one can always break "And yet,|I've grown accustomed to her looks "Accustomed to her voice "Accustomed to her "face" [Audience sighing sympathetically] Damn you all! TOM: Mr.
Griffin,|your opening statement, please.
Okay, I'm Peter Griffin.
Vote for me.
- Is that it?|- No, this is it.
This is life, the one you get,|so go and have a ball because the world don't move|to the beat of just one drum.
What might be right for you,|may not be right for some.
You take the good, you take the bad you take them both, and there you have|my opening statement.
Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
Griffin? As a piano teacher, I know how|difficult the education process can be.
That's why, if I'm elected,|I promise to fight for competent teachers a better-funded music department|and updated textbooks that don't refer to the|Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead.
" [Cheering] Mr.
Griffin, your response? Maybe something about education? I have always cared deeply|about young people.
As a rich college-bound student, I once|joined some underprivileged youths in saving a community center|from being converted into a shopping mall.
[Cheering] Peter, that wasn't you.
That was Adolpho Shabba-Doo|in Breakin' Il: Electric Boogaloo.
You watched it last night.
[Booing] So you're calling me a liar? I'm gonna take the highroad|and stick to the issues.
The children of Quahog|are our greatest treasure.
They deserve a school board president who|doesn't leave their feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard!|That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! Yeah, she flosses in bed,|she snores like a wildebeest TOM: Thank you, Mr.
|We now move on Wait a second, blow dryer,|I'm not done yet.
She freed Willie Horton, nailed Donna Rice - Peter, that's enough!|- Eats babies.
CROWD: [Chanting] Peter, Peter.
|LOIS: Just a minute.
Listen to me, please! This election is about our children's future.
So ask yourself what kind of future will it be if you elect|a man who has never taught a student or even been to a PTA meeting.
This is a man who believes the plural|of "goose" is "sheep"! [Audience muttering] I'm the right person for the job.
|Vote for me.
CROWD: Lois! Wait, I'm not done.
Peter! Come on! Stop.
|Shut up! You guys shut up! LOIS: I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter,|but what choice did I have? That's okay, Lois.
I enjoyed it.
As soon as the polls close,|we can put all this ugliness behind us.
PETER: Lois Griffin is a slut.
|LOIS: What? Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
I grew up in this town.
Quahog needs a moral,|upstanding school board president.
Someone we can trust.
A lot of nasty things|have been said during this campaign.
But pictures are better than words because some words are|big and hard to understand.
But here's something|everyone can understand! Do you really want|your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't.
CLEVELAND: Paid for by the Peter Griffin|for School Board President Committee.
Sorry, Lois.
"Lewd," "obscene," and "a little blurry" just some of the words used to describe|Lois Griffin's prurient pic.
- Good morning.
I'm Tom Tucker.
|- And I'm Diane Simmons.
Yesterday, voters|overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person|they want running their schools.
Her husband, Peter Griffin,|was elected by a landslide.
What a great day! I just want to say I am so freaking wasted! [All gasping] STEWIE: [Thinking] Splendid.
|How delightful to have mother back.
BRIAN: I heard that.
|STEWIE: Damn! Don't feel bad, Mom.
|All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you! Lois, I got a joke for you.
How many losers|does it take to make me breakfast? Just one! You! I'm just kidding.
French toast, please.
Don't even talk to me, Peter.
|You humiliated your own wife! And for what? To get that crazy|Mr.
Fargas back in the classroom? Who? Peter, I cared about our schools.
All you cared about|was some stupid competition.
Winning was only half the battle.
If you blow this chance to do something|good for our kids you'll be the biggest loser! Oh, yeah? Peter Griffin is no loser!|When I'm through with our schools our students'll be so smart|they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy|all over myself.
This is Trisha Takanawa, here|with School Board President Peter Griffin.
President, you've accomplished|so much in just a few short weeks.
Thanks, Connie.
I'm very excited about|our progress in revamping our schools.
For starters,|we're making sex education more fun.
"Vagina junction, what's your function? "Taking in sperm and spitting out babies" And our schools are the safest around PETER: Thanks to the hall monitor XL-K.
|MONITOR: Halt! Present hall pass! STUDENT: Right here.
|MONITOR: Second request.
Present pass.
STUDENT: But Right here!|MONITOR: Security breach! I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think|twice before roaming the halls.
PETER: I've restocked our school library with books of some|of our greatest movies and TV shows.
Because if we don't teach our kids to read,|how will they ever know what's on? Mr.
Griffin, this is impressive.
I've never seen kids|so enthusiastic about reading.
Thank you.
That's what you voted for.
Hey, son, show the folks at home|what you got there.
Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! That's mine Shaft.
There might be a mineshaft|under this library.
All these kids are looking at pornography! TRISHA: What kind of pervert|gave you kids this filth? Chris Griffin.
He got it from his dad.
CLEVELAND: There's quite a crowd outside.
I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this|since Ridiculous Day down at the deli when prices were so low|they were ridiculous.
You said it, pally.
|That's why I brought in the big guns.
Say "how do" to the Ragin' Cajun,|Mr.
James Carville.
Oh, God.
Oh, jeez! Did somebody open|the Ark of the Covenant? Now see, Peter, what you gotta do is|you gotta declare war! War! Your only chance|of surviving this scandal is to claim that Lois|gave your boy the pornography.
And he's right.
|Pin it on the old ball and chain.
I can't do that.
|Lois is mad enough at me without I'm sorry.
I can't look at you! I mean, I can handle ugly.
|But this is like circus ugly.
Lois, I need your help.
You gotta come|to my press conference this afternoon.
Lois, I could lose my presidency! Too bad! I've already lost more than that! Not my rainbow socks|with the individual toes? No.
I've lost my respect for you.
Because I need those socks.
We now take you live|to Peter Griffin Junior High where embattled School Board President|Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life.
CROWD: Throw the bum out! Mom, what are you doing here?|I thought you were mad at Dad.
I am.
|I just came to see him twist in the wind.
Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce? Oh, honey.
PETER: "A parent giving porno to their kid|is a terrible thing "but I'm here to tell you|that I'm innocent!" CROWD: Oh, yeah.
"I didn't give those magazines to my son.
"My wife, Lois" PETER: Lois! Crap.
Look, my wife, Lois, is the most|important person in the world to me.
I gave my son those magazines.
Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from|Lois into something cheap and tawdry.
I just wanted to win so bad.
Now I know that some things|are more important than winning.
Lois, I only hope you can find it|in your heart to forgive me.
LOIS: Oh, Peter! So you're saying you're not only|a bad father, but a bad husband, too? Have you the moral authority to lead? Yes.
And, screw it.
I resign.
DIANE: There's the President,|First Lady Lois.
TOM: Now boarding the helicopter.
And so ends a dark and shameful chapter|in the history of Quahog, Rhode Island.
One which leaves this reporter asking: How much moral bankruptcy and|perversion must we, the people, endure? Next up, stay tuned for our|special investigative report [Theme music] STUDENT: Welcome back, Fargas.
|FARGAS: Thank you.
CHRIS: Welcome back, Farg.
|FARGAS: Much obliged.
Present hall pass.
|FARGAS: Excuse me? MONITOR: Second request.
|Present hall pass.
[Lasers firing]