Family Guy s03e04 Episode Script

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy - Here you go, boys.
|- Thanks, Horace.
So I told my boss I'm not staying in that|stupid toy factory.
I'm gonna go places.
That's cool.
- Here you go, boys.
|- Thanks, Horace.
So I told my boss I'm not staying in that|stupid toy factory.
I'm gonna go places.
That's fly.
- Here you go, boys.
|- Thanks, Horace.
So I told my boss I'm not staying in that|stupid toy factory.
I'm gonna go places.
You are livin' la vida loca.
- I better head home.
|- What do you mean, "home"? You live here.
(all laugh) Here's to The Drunken Clam, where they|don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.
Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".
Are you sure? I-I think I did.
|All right, well, just to be safe Oh! We interrupt this programme for a bulletin|on the approach of Hurricane Norman.
Here with an update|is Greg the Weather Mime.
OK, it's gonna be cold.
Very cold.
And there's gonna be wind.
And people's parents will throw faecal matter|down on them from the rooftops.
How awful! Oh.
No.
I'm sorry.
That's rain.
Yes.
It'll rain.
The number one cause of injury|during a hurricane is broken glass.
So stay away from the windows.
|And, Peter, put those away.
Aw, come on, Lois.
Just one more song.
(" "What I Did For Love") Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's|gonna sneak up and give me a vasectomy.
Chris, nothing bad ever happens when you're|asleep.
Sometimes good things can happen.
Oh, Jenny Jenny Oh, yeah.
Jenny, don't stop.
Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials|have brought pleasure to millions.
And what a sweet ass.
- This way, everyone.
|- Bless you for helping us, Father.
It's God's wish, my dear.
(sniggers) All right.
Hurricane Norman is about to pound Quahog.
|We go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa to see how locals are dealing|with the imminent disaster.
Tricia? Diane, I'm here in - Thank you, Tricia.
Stay tuned for further|- Aaargh! - What a mess.
|- Look at that! Wow.
- Aaargh! Aaargh! For the love of God|- Oh, my God! Daddy! Aaargh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Disasters have their|lighter sides too.
You just have to be creative.
Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theatre.
"I'm so stressed.
Life sure is a human race.
" (all laugh) That's brilliant.
Oh, my.
Look at all the damage.
(Peter) Thank God|the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact.
Peter, look.
The Clam.
Aaagh! - This is horrible.
|- You think this is horrible? Try losin' a testicle|in a knife fight with your mother.
- What about your bar?|- It's not mine any more.
I sold the place.
Let someone else|worry about hurricanes.
- Who'd buy a wrecked bar?|- The bar's not wrecked.
- (all cheer)|- Thank you, God.
Don't mention it.
Wait.
Something's different.
(" harpsichord music) Evening, gents.
|How about a nice warm lager? - Help yourself to a packet of crisps.
|- Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.
Holy crap! It's a gay bar! They turned The Drunken Clam|into a British pub? Well, at least they still got sports on TV.
The new bowler has a cover point, long-on,|square leg, extra cover and two short legs.
What the hell is he talkin' about? It's cricket.
Marvellous game, really.
You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the|batsman, who tries to play away to fine leg.
He scores by dashing between the creases, provided the wicketkeeper|hasn't whipped his bails off.
- Anybody get that?|- The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette".
- Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
|- Guys, there's no girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this David Copperfield.
Wait.
Any pictures of his girlfriend? - No pictures at all!|- (all gasp) - I think we should go.
|- Yes.
This is a dark and evil place.
I say, Carruthers,|you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing.
- Yes, quite.
Ripping good laugh.
|- Yes.
Lois, The Drunken Clam's been taken over|by lousy limey tea-suckin' British bastards! - Peter!|- Hello.
Nigel Pinchley here.
I was introducing myself to your wife, who|I must say is a gorgeous bit of crumpet.
- Holy crap.
You're one of them!|- Peter.
Nigel and his daughter|are our new neighbours.
I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard|who's purchased your bar.
- Bit of an awkward moment, really.
|- Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment.
|One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank".
- Your move, Sherlock.
|- Peter! Excuse us.
Why are you acting like this?|Nigel's charming.
All British men are.
That's what they said|about Benjamin Disraeli.
You don't even know who I am.
The British are a lovely people.
|Not physically, of course, but inside.
And Nigel has a very sweet little daughter.
(Cockney accent) Aw! Look at the little baby! - What the devil is that ghastly noise?|- It's me.
Eliza Pinchley.
You wanna flower, little baby? Excuse me, what I think|you mean to say is, would I like a flower? You don't so much speak the language|as chew it and spit it out.
Go on.
What's wrong with the way I talk? Everything.
Here's a shiny sixpence|if you keep your mouth shut and go away.
Oh I know The Drunken Clam was your bar, but you and your friends can find|somewhere else to act like idiots.
I guess you're right.
|You know why I married you, Lois? It's not just the rack or the caboose.
|It's that big sexy brain of yours.
(Lois giggles) - All right.
This place isn't bad.
|- Yeah.
Good music, real sports on the tube.
I've never seen so many chicks in one place.
Hey, check out those two hotties.
They're so|lonely, they're practisin' kissin' each other.
I don't think they're practisin'.
(all) Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Ohhh.
So, you ladies ever been penetrated? - Yep.
|- Yep.
- Yup.
|- Mm-hm.
(English accent) Hope the loo is working.
Nice choice for a hang-out, Peter.
|There's not even anywhere to sit down.
- Is that some kind of crack?|- Crack? You sayin' I got a fat ass? Fellas, fellas.
What's become of us?|We never squabbled before we lost The Clam.
- Right.
It's those lousy fog-breathers.
|- Damn British.
They took our bar, then our friendship.
What's|next? Apple pie, fast cars and action films? (Schwarzenegger) It vas a glorious summer|in Oxford ven I met Freddy Cavendish.
A most remarkable young man whose|friendship vould change my life forever.
You are the anchor|that gives my spirit licence to soar.
Our forefathers wouldn't|take it on the chin like this.
Right.
I say we fight the British and drive 'em|back to whatever country they came from.
- Yeah! Yeah!|- We gonna get 'em.
Stewie, look.
It's an invitation|to little Eliza's birthday party.
You mean that horrid girl|who talks like a scullery maid? I didn't realise she'd been born.
I assumed|she'd congealed in a gutter somewhere.
Ooh, I'm gonna RSVP right now.
Splendid.
An entire afternoon of her "er"s|and "ah"s and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice".
Why can't the English|teach their children how to speak? You teach her.
If you're up to it.
Oh, yes.
This is the part where I'm|supposed to say "I am so up to it.
Ha ha ha.
" Well, I am.
I accept your challenge.
At her party I shall pass that guttersnipe off|as a lady.
What are the stakes of this wager? - Why don't you shut up for about a week?|- And if I win? I wasn't betting.
Why don't you|just shut up for about a week? You're on! Minutemen, present arms.
- Load weapons.
|- Boom chaka-laka-laka boom chaka-laka.
Fire! - Oh, I say!|- Throw the blackguards out.
- I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave.
|- Don't tread on me.
Yeah, back off.
We kicked your ass|in World War II and we can do it again.
Very well, then.
If you refuse to go peaceably, we'll have to use our superior|linguistic skills to convince you to leave.
Just try it.
- Bye.
|- Sorry to bother you.
I never saw it that way before|Wait a minute.
How the hell did they do that? We're not gonna let this stop us.
|I've never been defeated.
Except once.
- Eric?|- Peter? Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since|high school.
What are you doin' these days? - I'm the red guy.
|- Oh, my God.
- What about you?|- I'm the green guy.
- No kiddin'?|- Yeah.
- Hey, is that Stacy Beacham?|- Where? Now, don't worry, these guys are trained|to stay perfectly still.
Check it out.
Hey, Margaret Tha What the hell?|I thought you English guys never move.
No, that's just our women.
Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!|Egg and chips with jam butties.
- Welcome to the Quahog beer party.
|- I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.
- I felt Guilty once, but she woke up.
|- Peter, what are you doin'? It may taste like a warm cup of|tobacco-chewer's spit, but it's still beer.
Good point.
Bottoms up! (Peter) Ha! Take that, you lousy Brits! Peter! We waited up all night.
|Where were you? Wh-where was I? Where were you? - Out drinkin'.
But I was back by two.
|- Oh, no.
Our top story: The Clam's Head Pub|has burned to the ground.
Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.
Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist?|Police say no, but our producer says yes.
Here's an artist's depiction|of what the arsonist might look like.
Anyone with information regarding this|suspect should contact police immediately.
One thing is certain: The pain here is palpable.
For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase|"Hey, check out that flaming queen.
" In a late development|the police have a new suspect.
We now go live to Hispanic|reporter Maria J Ji Jim - Jimenez.
|- I know what it is.
At this moment we're|approaching the suspect's house.
This is better than COPS.
You know|there's a fat drunk guy in there.
- Hold it!|- Freeze! - There he is.
|- Griffin, you're comin' with us.
I wanna see what they do with this jackass.
- Hands up!|- Oh, Peter, you didn't! - Hey, fatty's wife is a babe.
|- That's it.
It appears the real arsonist is in custody,|thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities.
Good.
Good.
Ah, the fat guy's struggling.
Hit him,|you stupid pigs! Hit him.
Use the billy This Minutemen flag was found|in the wreckage of The Clam's Head.
You are clearly guilty of arson,|so you are free to go.
Straight to jail.
Ha!|Now you got burned! No bail.
- Peter, tell me you didn't do this.
|- Lois, I didn't do it.
You can trust me, right?|Let's sit down and talk about this.
- I wanna believe you but agh!|- (laughs) Gotcha! But seriously, you can trust me.
Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry|this terrible tragedy has befallen you.
Thank you, Nigel.
You're very kind.
- Can I touch your bum once?|- What? I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash.
|I won't take no for an answer.
Unless the question is "Do you not like me?" Get it? Double negative, you know.
|Yes, very good.
Hey hey hey, check out the new meat.
- I like the fat one.
More cushion for pushin'.
|- Thank you.
- Hey, we gonna have a good time together.
|- Gosh, everybody's so nice here.
I mean, they're gonna be disappointed|when they find out I'm not gay, but wow.
Oh, my God.
See that guy? That's the most|vicious killer I ever put away, Steve Bellows.
- He's so mean, he shot a man for snoring.
|- Where have I heard that before? It's in this simulated-leather edition|of Time-Life's Killers of Quahog.
They're all here.
John the Biter, the Berserk|Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler Maybe Steve won't remember you.
Well, well.
Officer Swanson.
You and|your friends are dead.
You're all dead! (sighs) Oh, good.
He thinks we're zombies.
He'll leave us alone.
No, no, no! If you're ever going to|be a lady, you must speak like one.
Now try it again.
"The life|of the wife is ended by the knife.
" The loif of the woif No, no, no.
Not "loif".
Life! Life! - That's what I said.
Loif.
|- Listen, you tin-eared piece of baggage.
We've got five days left, and I'll not|lose my wager.
Now repeat after me.
(emphasises H's) "Hello, Mother,|have you hidden my hatchet?" 'Ello, Mother, 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet? Oh, God, no.
It's an H sound,|you moron.
H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! - Ew.
Your breath smells like kitty litter.
|- I was curious! - Our husbands couldn't have done this.
|- Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi.
Excuse me.
Where can I find Nigel Pinchley? I'm from Quahog Insurance.
|I have a cheque for him.
- Five million dollars?!|- He took out a policy just before the fire.
Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious? No, not really.
In fact,|it seems to happen all the time.
- Oh, no.
Here comes Steve!|- I haven't forgot about you boys.
Saturday night at midnight.
|You're dead.
All of you are dead.
Midnight on Saturday? Thank God!|We can still be in the talent show.
From the top, boys.
A-five, six, seven, eight.
(" show tune) Once again, here is how it should sound.
|"How do you do?" Here's how you sound.
- (mooing)|- Now try it again.
- (perfect English accent) How do you do?|- What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife.
" I think she's got it.
I think she's got it! "The life of the wife is ended by the knife By George, she's got it!|By George, she's got it! Now, what ends her wretched life? "The knife, the knife And where's that bloody knife? "In the wife, in the wife (both) " The life of the wife|is ended by the knife Bravo, Eliza! "The life of the wife is ended by the knife Hello.
So nice to see you.
There he is.
We need to search the house for|evidence, but one of us has to distract Nigel.
Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't.
What about Loretta? Nigel looks|like he's down with the swirl.
There you are, Lois.
Shall I give you the grand|tour and show you my private quarters? - I'd love to.
|- I must say, you look absolutely mmm mmm mm-mm-mm.
Don't be shy, lambie lamb.
This is my study, where I study|things that arouse my interest.
(Lois thinks) Oh, good.
The girls are in place.
Oh, Nigel.
Since Peter's been gone,|I've been searching for someone new.
You know? Someone with|a sense of danger and adventure.
- I once played cricket without shin guards.
|- Oh, I love a reckless man.
One time I went up to this bloke's flat,|rang the bell and ran like Sebastian Coe.
Lois growls like a tiger)|More! Tell me more! I burned down my pub for the insurance|money and framed your husband.
I knew it! And what's more,|I have witnesses.
Bonnie.
Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford|and Son? What are you doing here? I know.
I'm surprised I'm alive too.
Sorry, love.
Better luck next time.
Mr Pinchley, I heard everything.
And what you've done is a textbook|example of insurance fra-ud? Bloody hell.
- Why the devil were you in the closet?|- I came with Demond.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley.
Psst.
You.
Dogbert.
Down here.
|Get a front-row seat for this one.
(perfect English accent)|How kind of you all to come.
Magnificent! Old sport, why don't you pull your face from|your loins and bury it into some humble pie? (Cockney accent) Bloody 'ell!|I've gone and wet meself.
Don't give me that smug look.
Fine!|You have extra-sensitive hearing: Hear this.
(mouths) - I'm telling.
|- I No! I said "vacuum"! - Hurry, Peter.
Steve'll be here in five minutes.
|- Oh, crap.
We're dead.
This is the end, boys.
Looks like our next stop|is a corner booth in a bar in heaven.
Peter, Nigel confessed.
You're free! - You hear that, guys? We're free!|- (all cheer) Get ready to die! Oh.
I wonder what this feels like.
Ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been|doin' to people? I belong here.
Horace, I never thought|I'd see you or The Clam again.
Florida stunk.
Alligator mounted me when I wasn't lookin'.
|Laid eggs in my lower intestine.
But you're all thirsty.
|I'll bore you another time.
Here's to our wives.
They may not be|as hot as the women you see on TV.
Or as entertaining.
But, um I don't know where I'm goin'|with this.
But thanks.
I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson.
|Whatever he gets is too good for him.
Dear Stewie, I want you to know|that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hellhole|entirely on your awful mother.
If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that|she suffers a slow and painful death.
Eliza.
(laughs) Excellent.
Here, have a look.
Good.
Good.