Family Guy s03e06 Episode Script

Death Lives

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy (TV news jingle) A tragic accident in the Providence area.
A family lost their lives|when they swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact.
- Do you find this funny, Tom?|- Oh, no.
I was remembering I accidentally|put my shirt on inside out this morning.
It's fine now, though.
So what were|you saying? A fashion show? Turn the TV off.
We gotta find|an anniversary gift for Mom and Dad.
Don't look! We're shopping!|We're shopping! Kids, you don't need to do anything special|for our anniversary.
Just your father.
I hope he doesn't get you a gift|at the last minute again.
My goodness.
A human thumb.
|Where did you ever find this? It was on e-bay.
(vomits)|Oh, God! Call an ambulance! This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it'd be nice if we could|spend a romantic day together.
Oh, dear.
I think we all know what|that means.
Boi-oi-oi-oiing.
Gross.
Hey, fellas.
I got us a tee time tomorrow|at Barrington Country Club.
- Barrington? Wow.
|- I'm in.
- Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary.
|- Oh, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her,|she'll hit me with a frying pan.
Which is why I'm gonna drink|this frying pan antidote.
All right, hit me with this.
Didn't work.
What the hell?|"Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt.
" "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart.
|Love, Peter.
" Oh, how fun! Before you tee off, here are your|complimentary monogrammed bag towels, a sleeve of balls,|and this mobile ball cleaner.
- Clean as a whistle, sir.
|- I won't get short by touching your spit? (chuckles) You'd be the first, champ.
- It's about time.
|- Sorry, fellas.
I'm not gonna be able to play.
Loretta's mother is in town and we have|to go buy new sheets for the dog bed.
- Cleveland!|- I mean the pull-out sofa bed.
You could be the first black guy to play|this course.
People are gonna be impressed.
- Hey, a black guy.
|- Ooh, fun.
- Come on.
|- Maybe we should play another time.
Screw that.
I busted my ass keeping Lois|busy so I could be here.
Grip it and rip it.
The fed will be lowering rates, so get|your money out of T-bills and put it all into Waffles! Tasty waffles with lots of syrup! Waffles! Buy waffles! (all) Waffles! Waffles! Waffles! (all in Japanese accent)|Waffle! Waffle! Waffle! Waffle! OK, kids, keep your eyes peeled for a clue.
What Jughead has done here -|and it's quite ingenious actually - is paint pupils on his eyelids so he can sleep through class|without Miss Grundy being any the wiser.
(laughs) He's sleeping.
- Mom, I found Dad's first clue.
|- I can't believe your father organised this.
Usually he can't even handle simple tasks.
Peter, why is there a diaper|in the lamp socket? (sighs) Lois, he's done it again!|Wait a minute.
Ha! - Let's pack it in.
There's too much water.
|- Let's hit the bar.
Oh, come on.
There's worse things|in life than rain.
Like like spiders.
He's behind the door! (coughs) Peter, he's bothering|everyone.
Say something.
I'll kick his ass.
|Someone ought to kick his ass.
Don't go in there! - Peter!|- All right, all right.
Give me a Kleenex.
I knew he was bad.
I knew it Aah! Out of me way!|They're after me Lucky Charms! I paid him ten bucks to say it.
Classic.
- We'll be in the clubhouse.
|- Go on, run away.
More golf course for me.
That was close.
That looks dangerous.
|Somebody's gonna get hurt.
(grunts) Ah, it'll be fine.
(gasps) (both) You again?! - Death, please don't take me now.
|- Relax.
You're not dying.
- You're having a near-death experience.
|- Thank God! Oh, yeah.
Thank God I get to hang out|with a fascinating gent like yourself.
- So, when am I gonna die?|- Two years after your wife divorces you.
What are you talking about?|Lois would never leave me.
She's been crazy about me|since the night we met.
Oh, my God, that's me! Look how thin I was! My, this is certainly a beautiful night.
|I love looking at stars.
- Say no more.
|- Peter, wait.
I (mimicking) Very interesting but stupid.
Oh, my God! I love Arte Johnson! - Then why don't you give him a kiss, huh?|- No.
Peter, get away from me with that.
- Come on.
Give Arte Johnson a kiss.
|- Peter, stop it.
I mean it! Oh! Oh, my God! (" "Baby, I Love Your Way"|by Peter Frampton) Oh, Peter, I hear music.
Yeah, me too.
|From now on, this'll be our song.
Ow! (groans) I've never met a guy like you.
|You're so full of life.
(yells in pain) It's like I can really be myself|with you.
I'm so happy.
- Oh, man, she was beautiful.
|- This looks awfully familiar.
Wait a second.
I remember this.
That's me! Look at all that hair.
I can't believe I thought that looked good.
|I must've been high.
- I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt.
|- I love you, Peter Griffin.
Look at that.
Huh? Huh?|There's no way she's gonna leave me.
Now put me back in my freakin' body.
I can't until you have a revelation.
|One of those things that changes your life.
The hell with this.
I'm going home.
- You can't get in that way.
|- I'm sure as hell not going in the back door.
Oh, crap.
I don't have time for this.
|Listen, I'm late for an appointment.
If you don't want to follow|procedure, fine.
Stay in limbo.
No, no, wait, wait.
|I don't want to be in limbo.
OK.
It says the next note|will be right under my nose.
- (bell rings)|- (man) They're off! And quick out in front, Silver Dasher,|followed by My Nose! Aha! Hold my purse! - What's Mom doing?|- She's screwing up my six-two quinella.
My Nose out in front,|followed by Sea Biscuit, followed by Some Crazy Lady|and Middle-Aged Housewife, followed by Wait a Minute, Who's That|and Silver Dasher.
And now it appears there's|a woman chasing the dogs.
- Let's go, kids!|- Tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off.
Too late, Stewie.
The fix is in|and the noodles are boiling in the pot.
Wait, I got it.
I figured out my revelation.
- God loves a working man.
|- No! The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston,|wealthy young man.
No! Oh, crap! I'm late.
I'm in big, big trouble! You're shook up about that appointment.
|You're Death.
What are you afraid of? Where the hell have you been?|When I said lunch, I said noon, not noonish.
- Sorry, Ma.
|- Is sorry gonna reheat the casserole? - So, who's your friend?|- It's a work thing.
Near-death experience.
- Where are you going?|- To take a leak.
Don't forget to zip up your fly.
If you don't|zip up your fly, a seagull will get ya! God, she's a pain in the ass!|I wish Dad was still dead.
Oh, yeah.
I'll tell you, Lois's dad|was a pain in the ass when I met him.
(doorbell) - Hi.
Can I take my tie off yet?|- Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful.
- You aren't nervous, are you?|- You'll know when I'm nervous.
- (man) Lois?|- (farts) Now.
Take the rap for this.
I only get one chance|to make a first impression.
- (sniffs)|- Hi, Daddy.
That was me.
And this is Peter.
Hey, Mr Pewterschmidt.
|What are you feeding this gal? Peter Griffin.
Can I take this tie off? It's a pleasure.
|My daughter is taken with you.
And I'm taken with her.
I mean, look at her.
|Huh? Show us front and back there, Lois.
Don't think I don't know|where that comes from.
That's world-class juice|you got brewing in the old flesh balloon.
- Eh? Eh? Oh, yeah.
|- I'm gonna go get my purse.
Based on what you've seen with your wife,|what can we expect in terms of droopage? Are we talking a slope or full-blown|fried eggs hanging on a nail? - What do you think of this?|- It's nice.
- It's Etruscan.
|- Get out of here.
- No, seriously.
|- Oh, that's great.
(splutters) - Hey, look.
A manatee!|- We can use it for soup.
Ensign Glen Quagmire.
Welcome aboard.
|You picked a great day to get rescued.
We were just about to sing|a song about mopping.
"We're mopping the deck|Which is Navy for "floor" "And when we're done mopping|We'll mop it some more - Oh!|- " Swab means mop, deck means floor Could you tell me when|you're going back in time? I was talking to a robe for 20 minutes|before I realised you weren't in it.
Ma, for God's sake,|leave me alone! I'm working! Don't yell at your mother! If you yell at your|mother, a hen will lay eggs in your tummy.
- Brilliantly choreographed.
|- That's your tax dollars at work.
Why not join us and see the world? Sorry, pal.
I've seen the world,|and its name is Lois.
How romantic.
|Why can't you find a nice girl? - Ma, she's gonna dump him.
|- At least he got that far.
You know who he took|to the prom? His cousin! - That's weak.
|- Yeah.
All right.
All right, that's it!|I'm sick of both of you.
Come on, Peter.
Death, put your jacket on|or you'll get frostbite! - I don't have skin!|- That's cos you didn't eat your beans! Come on, come on.
|Get back in your big, fat body.
Why should I help you save your marriage|when I can't get a girl? Whoa, wait! What are you saying? The revelation, jackass! It could have|helped you save your marriage.
But too late.
Oh, and by the way, when the|lightning hit you, you soiled yourself.
Enjoy.
Wait, wait.
I can't lose Lois!|Please, I'll do anything.
- What if what if I helped you get a girl?|- Really? You think you could do that? All we gotta do is get you fixed up.
|Get your hair cut, give you a good, clean (screams) shave, cologne Chicks'll be all over you.
- Gee! You really think so?|- Absolutely.
You got any SPF-50?|I bleach like a gym sock.
Death, will you relax? The beach|is a perfect place to pick up chicks.
Now, I want you to go over there|and ask those girls if you can play.
- Hey, can I join you?|- I guess.
What's your name? - Josh.
|- Do you, like, live around here? No.
I I live with my mom.
- Let's get out of here|- See ya, Josh.
Tell your mom we said hi.
(man) Heads up! How do we get up there?|Dad put grease on the pole.
Don't worry.
We've been|studying fulcrums in school.
You have to counterbalance the weight|at the point where the lever pivots.
Like so.
Stewie, you wanna play rocket ship? - What the deuce?|- Blast off! Go on.
Get the note for Mommy.
How dare you use me|for your own personal selfish Hmm.
Oh.
Pull slower.
I must remember|to do this game when no one's around.
What was I thinking? You don't know|anything about picking up chicks.
Are you kidding? I learned from the best.
Come on, buddy.
|We're dropping anchor in Jamaica! - Great! We're closer to Rhode Island.
|- Rhode Island? Forget that.
I'm taking you out for shore leave.
- Does this look like a "Q" to you?|- No.
- How about now?|- Your crotch just looks like Lois to me.
Let's ask her then.
Lois, should Peter|sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy|and have some fun? All right! That one's a feminist type,|she's into he-men, and that one's mad for jazz.
Watch this.
The plight of women is deplorable.
|I can bench-press 800 pounds.
You, me and Coltrane till dawn.
There you go, Peter.
|One for you, two for me.
You guys go on without me.
(sighs) - So why didn't you go with them?|- You don't know what it's like in love.
Oh, yeah? Her name's Amy.
|She works at a pet store.
I met her last summer when her dad|hung himself.
I was too shy to ask her out.
- What's with that moustache?|- Let me see that.
Sorry.
That's Edward James Olmos.
|Here, this is her.
- Nice ass.
|- Sorry.
That's Edward James Olmos's ass.
I guess I don't have a photo.
|Trust me, she's cute.
Let's go get her.
- I'll need that picture of Olmos's ass back.
|- Oh, yeah.
Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell! I found the note!|"Go back to the mini-mart"? This isn't very creative.
Let's go, kids.
Mom, you remember that goldfish|we flushed down the toilet? - He wasn't dead.
|- (cocks gun) - There she is.
That's her.
|- All right, go on.
Just like we practised.
- Hey, you.
|- Hi.
I was just, uh uh in in I was just|in the neighbourhood and So I thought that, uh So You I'll, uh This is a bad time.
Maybe I'll just come back.
- Who am I kidding? I'll never get her.
|- Not with that attitude.
Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson|and he was a burgermeister.
You gotta find a way to make it happen.
So long.
I hope you find your girl.
Thanks, Quagmire.
|Hope you live next door to me someday.
Hey, does this look like a "Q" to you? - (woman screams)|- How about now? So, where is it that you need to go,|my new honky friend? Rhode Island.
That's not too far, is it? Nothing's too far away from Maxine,|the cheatin' queen.
Women.
That's not fair.
I'm just speaking out of hurt.
That truck's coming up on us awful fast.
Holy crap! Do you see what I see? - I'm afraid I do.
|- We're being chased by ghosts! You went through all this to see your girl? I sure did, and I'm a fat idiot.
|What's your excuse, you big chicken? - Chicken? You take that back!|- Yeah? Make me! I don't make monkeys, I train 'em.
- Oh! Holy crap! I'm sorry.
Did that hurt?|- No.
But this will! Aah! Aah! You bastard! - What the hell is going on out here?|- Actually, I, uh I, uh Actually, he wanted to ask you something.
Wanna go somewhere and grab a coffee? - Sure.
I get off at two.
|- Great! Great! I'll meet you here.
You did it! All right! Hey, who knows?|You might even, you know - I'm not following you.
|- Intercourse.
- What are you doing here?|- Loretta's mom was hankering for a snack, so we had to pick her up|some Kibbles 'n Bits.
- Cleveland!|- I mean Cheez-its.
- Did Peter give you a clue for me?|- Peter? He's at Barrington|with Brian and Quagmire.
He's golfing? On our anniversary?! Oh, boy.
You just put Peter in the|doghouse, which is where your mother Don't say it! Your mother smells.
See, this is why I hate clothes shopping.
|I have no ass.
I'm minus an ass.
You're trying too hard.
|She won't care what you wear.
She's just gonna be glad to see you.
|That's how it was with Lois.
- (growls)|- (screams) Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! - Hi, Mr Pewterschmidt.
|- What are you doing here? It's a long story - with terrific performances|and a wonderful scene in a carnival.
I'll cut to the ending.
I want to marry Lois! Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin.
I want you to take this|and stay away from my daughter for ever.
- (gasps) A million dollars?|- A million dollars.
No deal.
Lois may be worth a million to you,|but to me, she's worthless.
- I love her, Mr Pewterschmidt.
|- Oh, Peter! Holy crap! Back then I gave up|a million bucks just to be with Lois.
Now I won't even miss a golf game|to spend our anniversary together.
- No wonder she's gonna dump me.
|- Or is she? Wait a minute.
That's my revelation.
|I gotta pay more attention to my wife! Eureka.
Now, come on back|to the golf course.
I've got a date.
Death, wait, wait, wait.
Before we go,|I need you to do me one more favour.
Peter.
Peter Frampton.
Oh, no! God, please no!|I'm too young to die! Sure you're not supposed|to get Keith Richards? All right.
If you want to live, come with me.
|And bring your guitar.
And bring that thing you use to make it go|wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.
Hey! Get out of the way! Damn.
How could he lie to me|on our anniversary? (" Peter Frampton singing|"Baby, I Love Your Way") - Oh, Peter.
Our song.
|- Happy anniversary, Lois.
This is the most romantic gift you've ever|given me.
How did you put this together? I had a little help|from a very special friend.
- I like animals.
|- Uh-huh.
Cos they're like people, little furry people.
Yeah Hey, you ever go on the Internet? They got some cool stuff|there on that Internet.
I bought these shoes from a company on|the Internet, cos they don't test on animals.
Wow.
(sighs) You know, animals never have war.
|War is an invention of mankind.
What the hell are you talking about?|Animals fight all the time! Not with nuclear arms.
You can't hug|your children with nuclear arms.
Check, please.