Family Guy s03e20 Episode Script

Road to Europe

- It's 4 o'clock! Away with you!|- Change it back! Jolly Farm Revue.
The latest indoctrinating|pablum for children with not enough to do.
Hey! Shut up! - (British accent) Wakey wakey, children!|- Good morning, Mother Maggie.
The sun has risen on|another day in Jolly Farm.
Let's see what life's rich pageant|has in store for us.
She has the voice of an angel! And|a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.
Play your song, Melody Sheep,|to aid the little ones' nourishment.
But play softly,|for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud (in unison) from his magic tome|that holds every book ever written.
"It was difficult for the children of lpswich|when the lollipop famine cursed them" How can you stand watching this?|It's dreck and you know it.
Don't have the guts to respond, huh?|No defence of this unmitigated crap? Commercial!|I'm getting some graham crackers.
(" rock music) Welcome to KISS Forum, Rhode Island Public|Access's most popular show about KISS.
- Lois, hurry! It's back on!|- Calm down.
You know I wouldn't miss this.
OK, let's take a call.
|You're on KISS Forum.
- (man) KISS rules! Whoo!|- OK, good call.
Good call.
All right.
Hey, you're on KISS Forum.
- (man #2) Yeah.
KISS sucks!|- Whoa, whoa! - Trace the call!|- They suck big time, man.
They bite ass! Wait I recognise that voice! Is this Dennis De Young,|lead singer from Styx? Come clean, man.
Yeah, it's me.
It's Dennis.
You jealous douche.
How about I play|"Detroit Rock City" and "Come Sail Away" and let's see how they stack up side by side.
|You want that, you high-voiced bastard?! We'll be right back after this.
Hey, didn't see you come in.
|We're getting into shape for our tour.
We're playing five big shows in five days.
- So if you|- Rock and roll! Why don't you just|sit in the corner, huh? Go on.
So if you're a KISS fan in the Northeast, come out for all five shows|of what we're calling KISS-Stock! Hell, the Northeast! At times like this I curse|the fact that we live in French Polynesia.
- No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
|- Yeah? And KISS is coming to the Northeast.
That means uh - That means|- No, no, Lois.
Don't help me.
It means we can do something Come on, Peter.
You're almost there.
(drilling) - We can go to KISS-Stock!|- (pained yell) (" theme music) - (Peter) Yo, Lois!|- What? I'm packing and can't find|my favourite underwear.
The pair with the rip in the right butt cheek from stepping on 'em in the airplane|bathroom when you had the trots? No, with the hole in the left butt cheek|from holding it in for two hours cos it was a long church sermon and|I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule|and it sounded like Louis Armstrong.
Oh, bottom drawer.
Tell Mother Maggie what you|want to be when you grow up.
- A scientist.
|- A novelist.
A Cambridge don.
What's my future, coming from|these squalid surroundings? Fighting with a dude at the Laundromat because he hit on my baby's mama?|I should be there, not here! London.
Dad, can me and Meg stay up late|every night when you're at KISS-Stock? Do whatever you want.
|Just don't eat from the candy tree.
He's right to caution you.
I feed on children.
(shrieks) You don't mind|watching Stewie for a few days? Nah.
Since Jolly Farm Revue|came on, he's been distracted.
- It'll be a breeze.
|- Bye, everyone.
My stupid parents are spending five days|following stupid old KISS around.
It's painful.
Not as painful as a tyre iron|upside your head.
- What?|- I'll miss you! Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch? "Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live|with the children on Jolly Farm.
" "Goodbye for ever.
" "PS: I never got a chance to return|that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas.
" "The receipt's on top of my bureau.
|I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss,|they'll give you a store credit or something.
" "It's actually not a horrible sweater.
" "It's just I can't imagine when|I would ever wear it.
You know?" "I also left a button on the bureau.
" "I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself|to throw a button away.
" "I know as soon as I do, I'll find|the garment it goes to, and then it'II" "Actually, could it have been from|the sweater? Did it have buttons? Hm.
" "I should wrap this up before I start|to ramble.
OK, goodbye for ever.
" "PPS: You know, it might be chilly in London.
|I'm going to take the sweater.
" Oh, my God! One of these planes|must be going to London.
Queue up, children spit-spot.
Here are the tickets, miss.
These are all ours.
Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and two veg,|Big Ben, Dave Clark Five, pip-pip, cheerio.
- Hot towel?|- Yes, thank you.
Well, come on! - What the hell are you doing here?|- Taking you off this plane.
Think again, Rover.
I'm stuck on a transatlantic flight|with a petulant runaway.
Could it get worse? You know what I hate|about flying? The peanuts.
First of all, you can't get 'em open.
|Who are they trying to keep out of these? And what's with the razor-blade slot in the|bathroom? Do people really shave in there? Hi.
Andy Dick here.
Excuse me.
I've got to|get my bag up in the overhead bin here.
Oh! Whoa, no, no! Oh! - Wow, that's wacky!|- (Brian sighs) That wasn't so bad, was it?|Did you sleep at all? - A little.
|- I couldn't.
My pillow smelled like farts.
But that's all right because we're in England! Uh-oh.
But where are its verdant fields, rosy-rumped|maidens and bucktoothed solicitors? About 3,000 miles that way.
|We're in the Middle East.
- Where are we going?|- I'm not familiar with this Arabian village.
Stuff for sale!|Bad, cheaply made stuff for sale! Hey, Americans.
You like movies? I've got Dude, My Car Is Not Where|I Parked It, But Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.
Camels for sale!|This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays.
|Just had its knees replaced.
- Buy one and let's get out of here.
|- Buy one? All I've got is 50 bucks.
We'll have to distract him.
Follow my lead.
"You and I are so awfully different "Too awfully different to ever be pals - Do you want to go first?|- Yeah.
"Your favourite hero|is the Marquis de Sade You're one to talk.
"You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad Oh, one time.
"I've a style flair, just look at my hip hair - That's quite a nice do there.
|- Oh, thanks.
- For me to poop on!|- What? - You look like Charlie Brown.
|- Bite me, Snoopy.
"There's not a whole lot|that we've got to agree on "Cos I love the strains of a classical score "And I like that singer|who looks like a whore - Ricky Martin?|- Love him! "We're too different to ever be pals! - " You and I are|- " Doo doo doo - " So awfully different|- " Doo doo doo - " Too awfully different|- " Doo doo doo - " To ever be pals|- " Doo doo doo doo doo doo dooie doo "Your head's as massive as a meteorite Oh, very funny.
"You have a weenie|like a Christmas-tree light "I'd bet money you'll marry a honey "Who's pretty and funny,|and her name'll be Ted - A gay joke.
|- I work with what you give me.
"You might think we're in sync,|but we stink as a duo "Cos you get a kick out of carnage and guts "And you get a kick out of stroking your - You can't say that on TV!|- What? Ego? "We're too different to ever be pals Oh, man, we're screwed.
|We're lost in the desert.
We have no food, no water.
|Our camel is dead from exhaustion.
And I had named him|and given him a back story.
Chucky had the biggest hump of|all the local camels, and was picked on for it.
Then there was a drought, and Chucky went|to the oasis at great risk cos he was like that.
He drank and stored enough water|in his massive hump to slake the thirst of Cut the maudlin crap.
We're in trouble.
It's below freezing and getting colder.
|We're gonna die unless - Unless we do something drastic.
|- What? We have to slice open our camel's stomach|and shelter in his entrails.
Eviscerate Chucky?! I won't do it! - We'll die if we don't.
|- All right.
Oh, God! It's like Orson Welles's autopsy! All right, just hold your breath and go.
- What are you doing?|- Wiping my feet.
I don't want to track sand in.
Once you get it in there, you can't get it out.
|(takes deep breath) (retching) Oh, God!|I just threw up in his lung! I know it's gross, but when you're staring|death in the face, you have no choice but to Oh.
There's a Comfort Inn.
- Really?|- Yeah.
Good luck for us, huh? Actually, once you feng-shui the organs,|it's kind of cosy.
- Isn't this exciting?|- Hey, anyone got a light? Thanks.
- Look.
There's Dave and Dottie, the nudists.
|- Hey there, Griffins! - Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise!|- You're KISS freaks, too? KISS Army soldier since 1977.
|How about you? '76.
I don't think anyone|knows more about KISS than I do.
- What was that?|- It's not important.
- Let him answer.
|- No one knows more about KISS than I do.
- Keep it civil.
|- I'm not sure I like the tone of your voice.
- Well, throw down.
|- Name Gene's special-effects mentor.
Amaze-O the magician.
|What school did Paul go to? New York High School of Music.
|Their band before KISS? Wicked Lester.
What year were KISS on|The Jim Nabors Halloween Special? Trick question.
It was Paul Lynde.
Recite the ad that brought Peter|to Paul and Gene's attention.
"Drummer willing to do anything to make it.
"|Rolling Stone, October, 1972.
- Exemplary!|- Rock and roll! How in the hell are we gonna get out of here? - Are you going to finish your red paste?|- No.
- What about your sweet, crusty thing?|- Have it.
No more balloon for you! I am sick|of you tooling around the village in it, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s|American rock music that we got last week.
- But, Father!|- Go to your palace! - You know what I'm thinking?|- Yes.
Just wait until they have to|suffer through Jesus Jones.
Pee-yew! - Not that.
The balloon!|- Oh, yes.
The balloon.
Let's take it.
- I didn't know it really looked like that.
|- Neither did I.
Such lovely printing, too.
(" "Rock and Roll All Nite") Oh, Lois, here comes the best part.
"And have a wonderful time (music stops) Is that it? No, no, it's "And something something all day Right? - Oh, man.
I've lost all faith in mankind.
|- Music is dead to me now.
- Hey, now's our chance!|- Let's do it! (" "Chattanooga Choo Choo") Where the hell are we? - Pope Pope!|- (moans sleepily) - It's time to get up and put on your hat.
|- It's a stupid hat! - Pope!|- All right, OK.
God! - Pope, the floor is not a hamper.
|- Man! It's time to go on the balcony|and address the people.
Aargh! We gotta find the American Embassy|to help us get home.
I have no intention of|returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman,|that fat slob and that insufferable dog.
Oh, you're right here, aren't you?|I stand by it.
My future is with Jolly Farm! - You really think that, don't you?|- I know it.
We've got three days|until Peter and Lois get back.
- Let's go to Jolly Farm.
|- Now you're talking! You make the pope look like a fool!|God will make you pay.
Smite them! He's cooking something up.
I say! Brian, look.
Three rows down.
- What?|- Is that Tom Bosley? Why would Tom Bosley|be on a train in Switzerland? I'm almost certain.
Tom! - Did he look?|- I don't know.
If I yell, you have to watch.
Tom Bosley! - No, it's not him.
|- Oh.
Besides its beautiful historic architecture, Munich was ze home of many|great writers, such as Thomas Mann.
You'll find more on Germany's|contribution to ze arts in ze pamphlets.
Yeah, about your pamphlet.
I'm not seeing anything about|German history between 1939 and 1945.
- There's a gap.
|- Everyone was on vacation! On your left is|Munich's first city hall, erected in 15 What are you talking about?|Germany invaded Poland in 1939.
- We were invited! Punch was served!|- You can't ignore those years.
Thomas Mann fled to America|because of Naziism's hold on Germany.
- No, he left to manage a Dairy Queen.
|- That's preposterous.
I vill hear no more insinuations|about Germans! Nothing bad happened! (yelling in German) - Uh, is that a beer hall?|- Oh, yes.
Munich is renowned|for its historic beer halls.
- Why is everybody glaring at us?|- Why, Lois? I'll tell you why.
Your faux pas at the concert|was so upsetting, I had to call a professor to tell me|what phrase to use to describe it.
- Use "faux pas".
|- Thanks, Professor.
You've lived a lie all these years.
|You represented yourself as a KISS fan.
- And why? To make me look foolish!|- No, to make you happy.
I wanted to share in all aspects of your life,|but I just was never that big a KISS fan.
I should've guessed when you were|willing to dress as Peter Criss.
No one wants to be Peter Criss,|not even Peter Criss! I guess I'm just not|as cool as you thought I was.
I guess not.
I'm exhausted.
Come on, let's get a coffee.
- The smoke is so acrid.
|- A man can hardly breathe in here.
You should get some hash, man.
|You can't go wrong.
Not true.
Ground meat can go|very wrong for me very quickly, and everyone will suffer the consequences! You are out there, man, in the ether.
I'd love to further pursue our palaver,|but I'm not fluent in "freaker"! So, I'm just gonna turn back over here,|back towards my table.
- Are you hungry?|- I wasn't when I came in.
- But isn't that so funny? I'm getting there.
|- Same here.
(drugged voice) I think|the only reason we die is Dude, I know what|you're gonna say and I am so Wait, wait, wait, wait! Shh-shh-shh-shh! The only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability.
(amazed gasp) - D'you think I'll ever find the right woman?|- Oh, God! Yes, man! Dude, you're great! Are you ever gonna forgive me? Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you|so I will take my rage out on my own body.
Let's go to Denny's.
Oh, man! I don't believe it! KISS is here! We don't deserve to be|under the same roof.
Let's go.
All right.
I guess I could fix us|something when we Chaim? Lois! Do not address KISS|unless they address you first! Oh, my God! Chaim Witz? It is you! - Do you want me to sign the left or right?|- No, no, no.
It's Lois.
Lois Pewterschmidt.
I knew you before you changed your name.
Lois! I don't believe it! It's been ages! Guys, this is the girl I told you about.
I knew|her before we formed KISS.
Loose Lois! - Cool! Loose Lois!|- The legend! My Grand Slam|was supposed to be with sausage.
I never realised you|were Gene Simmons, the rock star! You look great.
Anyone nailing you now? Yes, my husband nails me.
|This is him.
- You are gods!|- Yeah, thanks.
We're recording in Boston next month.
- You should come on by.
|- Oh, we'd love that, Chaim.
I mean Gene, you big rock star.
Oh, wow! Such a small world.
|He was a nice boy, and he's still nice.
Listen, Lois, what I said before|I've never been more wrong in my life.
You are the coolest girl in the world! - My wife did KISS!|- And J Geils.
- What?|- Nothing.
There it is! The BBC! (gasps) This is it.
I'll say goodbye to you now.
- Well, have a good life, Stewie.
|- Oh, I shall! Hey, did you ever find out|what that button on my bureau was from? - Yeah.
Chris's denim jacket.
|- Ah.
I like that jacket.
It looks good on him.
- OK, we'll keep in touch?|- Sure.
Well, I have your address.
See ya! Oh! There's Happy Hill! What the deuce? Pengrove! Pengrove Pig!|Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome! It's cardboard! There are no words, there|are just What is it you've drawn here? (Cockney accent) It's Oswald Owl slammin'|Mother Maggie in a Chinese basket, eh? (chuckles) Dead brill, eh? (shrieks) - Mother Maggie, something's terribly wrong!|- (Cockney accent) Whose stinky brat is this? That's not your voice! Your voice|is lyrical, like the strum of a lute! Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! - It's a fake! It's not real!|- I thought you should find out on your own.
I feel like such a fool.
Don't even look at me! Hey, come on.
You wanna get some|ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You wanna get some McDonald's? You wanna take a dump|in Mother Maggie's shoes? OK, let's go take a dump|in Mother Maggie's shoes.
- Jolly Farm, Stewie.
Don't you wanna watch?|- The Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead.
Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! (hums) Oh, turn it up! Mom and Dad are on! We're back with KISS Forum.
I'm with the|Griffins, and they got something to share.
- Yeah.
My wife here did KISS.
|- Get outta here! - Hand to God.
|- Peter! How does that make you feel? I feel like I've done KISS, too.
|And it feels good.
Lois, you got any tips for|the young girls in the audience? The best advice I can give is, you never know who's gonna grow up|to be famous, so make yourself available.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
|Stay tuned for Battlestar Galactica Forum.
Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum.