Family Guy s04e05 Episode Script

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Peter, thanks a lot for having us out on your boat.
- No problem.
- Peter, are you sure Santos and PasquaI don't mind coming in on a Saturday to serve us drinks? Are you kidding, Lois? They're Portuguese.
Work is their cocaine.
Besides, look at them in their tuxedos.
They look like little people.
Hey, Meg.
What's going on? What's going on? You having a good time? Yeah, no, I'm having a good time.
Hey, what's going on? Listen, you're 17 now, right? I was just throwing it out there.
I was thinking, you know, if you ever want to I don't know, screw around or something.
Hey, Joe.
So, you know, it's just something to mull around in the old noggin.
What is it about golf that always brings out the worst in me? So, Annika Sorenstam, you're quite the female golfer, aren't you? Yes, quite the female golfer.
I knew it! Look! Everybody, look! Look! She's a fraud! all right, I caught a fish! Sorry about that, Loretta.
Hey, can I have my fish back? You're gonna have to reach into the cookie jar.
Well, I can't just You're my best friend's wife.
Reach into all right! Yeah, you go in and get that.
Show that fishy who's boss.
Loretta, they have some of that three-bean salad you're so fond of.
Hey, Quagmire.
Well, we'll have to do this again sometime.
You name the time and the place, little neck.
I've always loved charades.
- Your turn, Joe.
- The category is Famous People.
- Okay, guess who I am.
- Ironside! - Larry Flynt! - Stephen Hawking! - Dr.
Strangelove! - Roy Campanella! - Richard Petty! - Lance Armstrong! NeiI Armstrong! Stretch Armstrong! Stretch Cunningham! Howard Cunningham! Potsie Weber! Natalle Wood.
Definitely Natalle Wood.
- Somebody save him, he can't swim! - He's not even kicking.
- Kick, Joe, kick! - Peter, he's a paraplegic.
That doesn't mean he can't hear.
Kick, Joe, kick! Somebody help him! Gay! You were right, Peter.
It was Natalle Wood.
Lois, why the hell do we have to take a stupid CPR class? Because, Peter, none of us knew what to do when Joe was drowning.
Now, be quiet and pay attention.
Hi, there.
I'd like to welcome you all to CPR.
I see a lot of smiles here in this room.
There's one.
There's another.
That's good.
I see that soda up under your chair.
That's all right.
Soda's all right on my watch.
We also got Oreos here and fresh coffee.
Everybody likes a snack.
Now, who wants to go first? No takers? Well, fine.
I'll go first.
Peter, why don't you volunteer? No, I don't volunteer for anything since I helped those guys repaint the Sistine ChapeI.
Listen, I thought the stuff that was there was kind of lame.
So I put this up.
I figured Andre the Giant would be a little hipper.
Get back some of those boys you scared away.
And that's pretty much all there is to it.
It's hard, jagged, and tastes like alcohoI.
Just like kissing Faye Dunaway.
Easy now.
I can't believe we just did that.
But, you know, that stuff about spending the day together tomorrow I forgot.
Actually, I have a thing.
But, you know, you have my e-mall address.
So drop me a line.
And then I'll have yours.
And we'll take it from there.
So Bellybutton.
Well, I'll see you later.
So, it's officiaI.
Y'all are card-carrying lifesavers.
Holy crap, a card with my name on it! I am now Peter Griffin, certified CPR.
Come on, Lois! I've got lives to save.
Be safe.
Nobody had any of the coffee.
Only a couple of Oreos gone.
I'm gonna take the rest home to the cats.
Sorry, I was diallng the phone.
Are you all right? Don't worry about it.
Doesn't look like there's any- Peter Griffin, certified CPR.
Don't anyone panic! - What the hell are you doing? - You know, I don't think he's hurt.
I'll get to you in a moment, sir.
I'm gonna have to check and see if he soiled himself.
- Sir? Sir? - What the hell is wrong with you? - I've got to check if you've soiled yourself.
- Get off of me.
Are you crazy? Sir? I'm gonna need you to stop struggling, all right? - Leave him alone.
- I hurt my elbow! - I've got to get these trousers off.
- Somebody call the cops! - I gotta see if you soiled yourself.
- Nobody asked you to get involved! Get off him, you jackass! I'm gonna need you to step back.
all right, Looks like we're clean down here.
You guys take it easy.
No need to thank me.
Just pay it forward.
- So they revoked your CPR card, huh? - Yeah.
This is worse than when they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated.
Don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain.
You still live in exciting times.
Crap! Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? "The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one! " I got to figure out some way to get that card back.
You could always take the class again.
I mean, I'm sure they'd give you another card.
- Hey, do you hear that? - What? Sounds like someone screaming.
What is it, boy? What are you trying to say? It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
- Trouble at the old mill? - What are you, insane? - Somebody fall through the ice? - It's summer.
Bobcat? Loretta's in trouble? Come on, boy! Peter Griffin, temporarily suspended CPR - Holy crap! - We should go.
Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex.
- Peter, that wasn't- - You know, for a large, heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass.
That wasn't Cleveland.
It was some white guy.
- What was that? - Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowI.
Wait a minute.
Brian? If that wasn't Cleveland doing it with Loretta then Loretta's having an affair.
We can't tell anyone about this.
That is the last thing in the world we want to do.
What a day! We've done everything in the world.
So I guess the only thing left to do is tell you that Loretta Brown is having an affair.
- Good Lord! - Oh, no! Oh, God! I'm screwed.
This is worse than that time I had to fess up to the nation.
My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthfuI with you.
I did ga-googity that girI.
I ga-shmoigedied her ga-flavety with my googus.
And I am sorry.
Yeah, any idea who it was, Peter? No, we didn't see his face.
all we know is it's a skinny white guy with a tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well, I better tell Cleveland.
I got a knack for delivering bad news.
I don't know how to tell you this, Mr.
So I'll let these guys do it.
You have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS You've got the AIDS You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here Or maybe all that unprotected sex put you here It isn't clear But what we're certain of is you have AIDS Yes, you have AIDS Not HIV, but full-blown AIDS Be sure that you see That this is not HIV But full-blown AIDS Not HIV, but really Full-blown AIDS I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious.
But it's AIDS You've got the AIDS So, listen, Cleveland.
The reason I asked you out here I've been wanting to talk to you about something.
In Superman II, what is the story with that cellophane "S" that Superman rips off his chest and throws at the bad guy? Prepare to be destroyed, Superman! - What was that? - Yeah, take that, you jerk.
- That was a minor inconvenience.
- Yeah, well, that's the idea.
- Slowed you down.
- I'll say.
- Didn't see that coming, did you? - No.
Yeah, well, you know, take that.
Which actually brings me to my next point: - Your wife's cheating on you.
- What? Yeah, it's actually a pretty funny story, true story.
Brian and I walked into your house and she was with some guy going Bam, bam, bam.
- Peter, maybe- - Hang on, I'm not done.
Bam, bam.
And then she's all, "Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
" Bam, bam, bam.
You want to take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? Bam-bam, bam-bam.
- You want to take it from here, EmeriI? - Bam! So that's what we're deallng with here.
Any thoughts? Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnaI relations with another gentleman? I'm a woman, Cleveland.
I need some passion in my life.
I need a reaI man.
And Lord knows that ain't you.
Well, I admit after a long day at work, I don't always come home with that "Riunite on ice, that's nice" mentallty.
And for that, I apologize.
Apologize? I cheat on you and you apologize to me? Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic! I disagree, but I respect your candor.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
I love you.
Hi, Cleveland.
- Hey, what are you doing here? - Loretta kicked me out.
Cleveland, I am so sorry.
You can stay here as long as you like.
Cleveland, sit down.
I want to sing a little song that kept me going when I had troubles.
We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock But it wasn't a rock It was a rock lobster Rock lobster Rock lobster Yeah, you're gonna be okay.
Now, everybody, Cleveland's gonna be staying with us for a few days.
That's right, kids.
So just treat him like one of the family.
You mean like Cousin Janine who we're polite to but then mock her diabetes on the drive home? She can't eat carameI.
Can I touch your hair? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna touch it.
It's like a sheep! You know, Peter, I'm a little worried about Cleveland.
His wife cheated on him, kicked him out of the house and he doesn't seem at all affected by it.
He's probably bottling up his emotions.
That's not good for you.
I almost got an ulcer after you shelled out $200 for tickets to Crossing Over with John Edward.
I'm sensing an "A.
" Does your name begin with an "A"? - No.
- A "B"? - No.
- C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P? - "P"! Peter! My name's Peter! - Is your name Peter? Wow, you are some kind of sorcerer.
What Cleveland really needs right now is to learn how to express his feelings.
Now, what he needs right now is a revenge lay.
And I know just who to talk to.
- Oh, God! - Sorry, guys.
Let me throw something on.
- Peter, look! - Holy crap, that's the tattoo! Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is.
- Peter, I- - Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.
- Hello? - Quagmire? - Yeah.
- Hey, it's Peter.
What's going on, buddy? We're at your house.
Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta! Oh, my God! Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! I didn't mean it, you know? I knew it was a mistake! It never felt right! Please don't tell Cleveland! Well, all right, Quagmire.
Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping with your wife! - What? - Quagmire slept with Loretta? Oh, my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry.
I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.
It's okay.
It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend? Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.
Cleveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you.
You don't have any passion.
Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man.
You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! Oh, God! Peter, hit me! Yeah! Wow, so that's something, about Quagmire and Loretta, huh? Cleveland, we got to get your manhood back.
Now, the first thing we're gonna do is take you to a good, old-fashioned, wrestling match.
all right, Cleveland.
Nothing like a good smackdown to get the testosterone going.
I must be in Quahog 'cause all I see is a bunch of hicks! You take that back, Macho Man Randy Savage! Doesn't he make you so mad you just - want to go down there and hit him? - No.
Well, maybe not him 'cause he's kind of big.
But don't you want to hit the guy sitting next to you? Not him 'cause he's kind of big, too.
But don't you want to hit his kid? Take that, Macho Man Randy Savage.
You jerk.
all right, Cleveland.
If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothing will.
Hey, look at me.
I'm Quagmire.
I had sex with your wife.
Those are so his mannerisms.
- Peter, what the hell are you doing? - I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire.
- And I'm doing you, Loretta.
- What the hell? - You like that? Yeah.
- Hey! - Much better than Cleveland.
- Peter, knock it off! - Get you damn hands off me- - You like it dirty, don't you? What the hell are you doing? What is that in your pocket? - Lois! Somebody! - Quagmire's got you.
Glenn Quagmire, you're dead! all right, calm down, Cleveland.
I'm gonna kill Quagmire! Oh, God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag.
Okay, Cleveland, breathe into the bag.
It'll calm you down.
- Peter, I'm not sure that that's- - Not now, Lois! Okay, Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax.
Relax, relax.
There you go.
There you go.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- It's all gonna be okay.
- Peter, you better do your CPR.
There's no time.
I got to go warn Quagmire while I got the chance.
Quick, to the Peter copter! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! - Peter, what the hell? - Joe, get inside! - The blades are still spinning! - Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing? - Joe! Get inside! - It's tearing up my yard! - Oh, my God! - No! - Joe, I am sorry, buddy.
- It's okay.
Look, it's okay.
- Are you okay? You all right? - It's okay.
I'm fine.
- Everybody's fine.
- That was scary.
- Peter, what are we doing here? - Trust me, Quagmire.
Cleveland will never think to look for you at Mayor West's house.
- Hey, there.
- How you doing? Good evening, gentlemen.
Listen, Mayor West, my friend Quagmire here's in trouble.
- He needs a place to stay tonight.
- Say no more.
I'll protect you, sir.
It is my job.
I only ask that you do not feed my cat, Bootsie as he's already eaten and might throw up.
Well, Derwood, now you really are the big man of the house.
Mother, change him back.
You know, Endora, I'm getting a little sick of this crap.
You ever seen one of these? Huh? You know what this is? Huh? - No! - Yeah, it's holy water.
Huh? Yeah.
Try it.
How's that feeI? You like that? Power of Christ compels you, bitch.
I hate Bewitched.
Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh? It's all right to go to sleep, my friend.
I'll stand guard.
Don't worry.
I'll be here all night.
Just don't try to make me smile.
I'm forbidden to smile.
Oh, no.
That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student counciI.
His name was Boner.
- I've falled you.
- This is kind of creeping me out.
- I'm gonna go.
- Take this, for protection.
What the hell's this for? When the time comes, you'll know.
I'll teach him to mess with my wife.
Hi, Cleveland.
Will you be joining us for dinner? - Okay, then.
- He's a Rocky machine! Peter, we have got to do something about Cleveland.
I think you created a monster.
Well, there's only one thing to do, Lois.
We've got to get Loretta and Cleveland back together.
And I know just how to do it.
To the Hinden-Peter! Oh, my God! Joe, I am so sorry.
How can you afford these things? Yeah, Cleveland, this is Quagmire.
Listen, I feeI awfuI.
Why don't you come on over and we can try to get things back to the way they used to be? Remember how it was? Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us.
That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.
- We are two wild and crazy guys! - Two wild and crazy guys! You guys look stupid.
Anyway, let's talk this thing through.
Hey, Cleveland.
I was just leaving you a message.
You violated the sanctity of my marriage.
When the time comes, you'll know.
Damn it! This is awfuI! Somebody stop them! Do something! Good.
Let the hate flow through you.
You're not helping! I can't.
It isn't in me to cause harm to anyone.
No matter how much someone has harmed me.
I'm sorry, Cleveland.
Cleveland, I think this beautifuI woman would like to say something to you.
You told me this was Lois' intervention.
- Nice.
Cleveland? - Loretta, what you did was unforgivable.
- This marriage is over.
- Well, that's just fine, Cleveland.
'Cause I am through being your wife.
Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.
Look at that, Lois.
As beautifuI as an HBO minority fairytale.
But, Peter, their marriage is ending.
Look at the bright side, Lois.
It's a chance for a fresh start for both Cleveland and Oh, my God! What are you doing? - What's wrong with you? - What the hell, man? - Hurts, doesn't it? - What the hell Yes! What the hell's your problem? - My friend? My friend? - What? - You've been kicked in the - No way! - You're gonna be on TV.
- Oh, sweet! - Oh, my God.
- Wow! We love that show.
- That is awesome.
Hey, hi.
- You're on it.
Oh, wow.
Glenn, you sure you want to do this? I already told you I forgive you.
- No, I feeI like I got off too easy.
- all right.
If you insist.
- You wanna ring the bell, Apollo? - all right.
Ding, ding.