Family Guy s04e12 Episode Script

Perfect Castaway

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy On the next episode ofDeadwood.
- Anything yet? - No, you? Nope.
Next Deadwood.
Chris, what're you all dressed up for? These are my back-to-schooI clothes.
I start high schooI tomorrow.
Oh, boy.
You better watch out for the Freshman Hunt.
That's where seniors hunt down freshmen and nall them with paddles.
Man, remember how much that was, beating those freshmen silly? Oh, yeah.
You're not serious, are you? Chris, I'm just as serious as I was when I saw PauI Reiser do standup.
What's the deaI with airline food? I mean, is this stuff bad or what? Well, that's not nice.
Those chefs work really hard.
And what's with those Starbucks, huh? They're everywhere.
Lot of people want coffee.
It's supply and demand.
It's the foundation of our entire economy, PauI.
And who do I talk to about those long lines at the ATM? That's what I want to know.
Not me, Mr.
Someone who has time to fritter away, but not me.
Peter, what're you doing? You've been out of work forever.
You promised me you were going out to look for a job today.
Oh, okay.
I'll go look for a job, Lois.
What is this? The latest Redbook.
Is she gone? Them and their squabbling.
Although I suppose they're not the first couple to have problems.
- Did you have a nice day? - It was okay.
You know, our son got into your closet today.
Anything Anything in there, maybe you wouldn't have wanted him to see? No.
Really? You don't have any dirty pictures in there? No.
Then how do you explain these? - So what? So, I have some paintings.
- Is this how you want me to look? Come on, Karen.
Do you hate your body so much you have to reduce every painting of the female form to pornography? Don't you do that.
Don't make this my fault.
It is your fault.
I just want to come home and have dinner.
And have my wife say, "Hello, how was your day?" That's impossible for you.
- You know what this is about? - What? This is about your disrespect for me, this family and everything we stand for.
What do we stand for? Who are we, the Goracks now? Suddenly you're Cynthia Gorack.
That's what you want, isn't it? You want to be Cynthia Gorack.
You know what, at least Cynthia Gorack's husband cares about her family.
I can't even talk to you when you're like this.
It's over now because you say it is.
Way to go, Karen.
You solve all our problems by just walking away! And it's so obvious I don't care about the family.
I just killed a 700-pound tiger with a stick and a rock! That doesn't make you a man, Gary.
Here we go.
Here's act two of the performance.
Karen pretends to leave home for the 20th time.
You know what, Karen.
Go! I'm not going to stop you.
Just go! - Get out! Get the hell out! - Screw you, Gary! Yeah, if you did that more often, maybe I wouldn't need these paintings! What the hell you looking at? I say, anybody listen to Howard Stern this morning? He had some strippers in the studio.
They sounded hot.
Then he made a joke about a negro.
But Robin laughed, so it was okay.
I think I'm coming down with something.
Chris, relax.
The Freshman Hunt doesn't really exist.
It's just a myth to scare freshmen.
Really? Oh boy, that's a relief.
Now have a good day at schooI, sweetie.
Freshman! Help me! Freshman.
I got you, you freshman.
I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman.
all right, Mr.
Jobs you think you would be suited for.
Let's see what you wrote.
"Cowboy, astronaut "warlock, more powerfuI astronaut, beer expert.
" Yeah.
And I need something that pays more than my last job as Sandy Duncan's glass eye.
Hey Sandy.
Sandy? What? - What're you buying? - Some breakfast cereaI.
No, don't get that.
That's a bad cereaI.
Get some of the Boo Berry.
Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one.
I'm sorry.
I can't see what you're going for here.
Let me look at Oh, it's a jar of preserves.
Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were.
Hey, Chris, was schooI any better today? No, I hate it.
I never want to go back! Oh, come on, it'll get better.
You just have to find your place.
Let's go, Stewie.
Time to change your diaper.
I'm not worried about high schooI at all.
Worst-case scenario I'll carve out a niche as the effeminate male friend of the popular girls.
Okay, tonight's my OC party.
I got a case of wine coolers, so we can drink every time Ryan seethes.
- CooI, I'd love to come.
- Me too.
How'd you get the wine coolers? Oh, it's I just did some stuff for a guy in the parking lot.
Does anyone have any Scope? I don't care what she says.
I'm never going back! Look, you can't run away from your problems, Chris.
That's what I tried to do.
I joined the Peace Corps and a day later, I was two continents away.
- Really? - Yup.
But 6,000 miles and all the dope I could smoke still couldn't separate me from my problems.
And this was good dope.
I mean, it was growing everywhere.
Oh, my God.
This one time, we got so baked we ended up eating all the food the World Health Organization had airlifted in.
Man, those villagers were so pissed.
They tried to chase us, but let me just say, thank God for polio.
Anyway, my point is that Is Peter here? I want to re-hire him.
My new eye isn't working out.
Hey, Wheat Thins! Take your top off.
I like pancakes, I like pancakes They make me a happy Peter I am happy, I am happy Peter, you seem happy this morning.
You bet.
I'm starting my new job at the brewery.
Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning.
Like a dairy cow.
Oh, yes! Yes! Peter, I just found this note in Chris' room.
- He ran away to join the Peace Corps.
- Oh, my God! Give me that! No, that.
I'm bored with it now! Peter, Chris ran off to South America.
Well, where the hell would he get an idea like that? Wait a second.
Don't we know someone who was in the Peace Corps? Yeah, who was that? Was that Beau Bridges? - Do we know Beau Bridges? - No, we don't.
I am positive we know somebody who was in the Peace Corps.
Look, it's me, all right.
He got the idea from me.
Brian, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't do it on purpose.
And before you fly off the handle, you may want to think about it.
The kid's obviously confused.
This might be good for him.
People do crazy things when they're confused.
Like the time my agent dropped that bomb on me.
- No one in this town will hire you.
- Oh, yeah? Taxi.
Taxi! all right, Chris.
We're approaching your assigned village.
Tell the people to work together and drink clean water.
And by the way, the word "colored" still flies down there.
So, get your fill.
Hello, I am Chief Oleki.
Welcome to my village.
Our air is clean.
Our food is bountifuI and our water is caffeine-free.
Never had it.
Never will.
This is my daughter, Loka.
My son, Hidalgo.
And my cousin, Vinny.
Hey, how you doing? Give me a word, any word at all and I'll pronounce it funny for a nickeI.
- Hello? - Hi, Mom.
- Chris, are you all right? - Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay! - Hi, Dad.
- Hey, this has been driving me crazy.
- Who was the chick on Remington Steele? - Hello? - Stephanie Zimballst? - No, Stewie Griffin.
Who's this? - Thank you.
- Chris, what are you doing down there? Relax, Mom.
I'm having a great time.
- You people knocked me off the modem.
- When are you coming home? How's the food in South America? Do the women there have exposed clitterati? I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman.
Well Please, just take care of yourself, honey.
Hey guys.
Is everyone on the phone? - I got to go.
- Something's in the oven.
- I lost a shoe.
- Don't leave me on phone with her! - Stewie? - Hey.
- How's schooI? - Hi, Stewie.
Listen, I am swamped but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing and I think it's just great.
Hanging up now.
Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it.
So, this is where you'll be working, Mr.
Oh, and I should mention, employees are welcome to free Pawtucket Ale.
We just ask that you don't drink during your shift.
- That won't be a problem, sir.
- Great.
I'll be right back with your ID badge.
Griffin, what happened to your pants? Oh, look, who's here.
"I don't have time for your Little League games.
" Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you close your eyes when we make love? I wonder how your father's first day at work went? - Dad, what the hell are you doing? - Yeah, hey, buddy.
I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries and Do you sell pants? Hey, Meg, what's with all the beer cans? My dad got a job at the brewery and he gets lots of free beer.
Actually, he's kind of been going overboard lately.
- Oh, my God! - Hey, Meg, you seen my pants? Lois, by the way, we're out of toilet paper.
Chris, thank you for helping bring water to my village.
- You're a hero.
- No.
Lou Gehrig was a hero.
As soon as I release this biologicaI toxin into the world's water supply, I will rule the world.
I'll call it "Lou Gehrig's Disease.
" I just have to remember to make sure this cap is screwed on tight.
Well, I guess the joke's on me.
This is a gift from all of us.
Go ahead, try it on.
Oh my, Chris, we can see your genitals.
Just kidding.
Everyone's genitals are hanging out.
Really? Wow, this is just like Bible camp.
Only I'm not crying and trying to pretend I'm somewhere else.
Griffin, since you can't controI your drinking you've been demoted to the shipping department.
- Come on! - This is your new supervisor, Angela.
Griffin, we have different rules here.
For starters, no drinking.
We start work at 7:00 a.
This is your co-worker, Opie.
He is a burden of the state, deemed unfit for mainstream society.
He is your superior.
What'd he say? He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth.
If you value your job, I'd do it.
He bit me! Mr.
Griffin, although I may not fully understand Opie's management style he has proven himself a more competent employee than you.
So, in my absence, you will listen to him.
Come on, guy.
Damn it! This is worse than being Kevin Federline's magic mirror.
Magic mirror, how can I look like a douchebag today? Well, Kevin, I would say, first of all, don't shave or shower.
Okay, I won't.
- And you just got out of bed, right? - Yeah.
I would say, just go ahead and wear that tank top all day.
all right, so we covered the hygiene, no collared shirts.
Oh, and don't forget to walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.
Chris, the festivaI of the harvest is the time of celebration for my people.
- Would you like to dance? - Sure! No one's ever asked me to dance before.
I wanna jitterbug Jitterbug You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my souI sky high when your lovin' starts Jitterbug into my brain Goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same Wake me up before you go-go Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go And take me dancing tonight This is a joyous occasion.
You've engaged the entire tribe in dance.
According to our customs, you're now married to my daughter.
I couldn't be happier.
Well, if you're happy then I'm happy, because after all What? My job sucks.
I'm tired of always scrounging around on the bottom rung of society getting kicked around by the Man.
Like when I worked in that lab with Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew.
Agreed, Peter.
We got a letter from Chris! Okay, he says he's doing great, having a wonderfuI time.
He met a girI.
He got married? He says he's not coming back.
We'll be landing in South America shortly.
Please buckle your seat belts.
Hey, Brenda, what've you got for me? Coffee? Damn, your ass looks hot.
Is this thing on? I don't care.
I want them to hear.
Oh, Chris, my baby.
I told you, Peter.
I never should have let him out of my stomach.
I can't believe Chris got married.
This is bigger news than when I toured Europe with that musicaI rendition of My Left Foot.
My left foot Always been better than the right one My left foot Always gets me where I need to go I'll start out easy.
Little more complex.
- Oh, Chris, my baby! - Hi, Mom and Dad.
Everybody, this is my wife, Loka.
We're married.
Well, maybe here, but not in America, where God pays attention.
Now, get your things together.
We're leaving right now.
Mom, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm happy here.
This is my home.
You guys got an ATM? I only got $37 on me.
What's the matter with them? We've never seen that much money before.
- You are richest man in the country.
- Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerfuI since my ancestor King Arthur Griffin.
Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot I will make love to you right here in the clearing.
What if I can just move it an inch, will you touch me? This is amazing.
You've got the biggest hut in the village and all these servants and you've only spent $1.
That's a hell of a lot less than I had to spend to go see that piece-of-crap remake of Bewitched.
- Guess what? I'm a witch.
- Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan.
all ticketed passengers for Flight 2378 to Reno, Nevada - Hello.
- That's not funny! Peter, this is ridiculous.
We came here to take Chris home.
Why are we staying? Because I'm tired of being treated like crap at work.
Don't you see what this means to me? I'm somebody here.
Finally, a white man has an opportunity to be rich and in charge.
Hey, Pesci, here's a nickeI.
Say Yugoslavia.
Here's a dime.
Kill Pesci.
The native man is an impressive physicaI specimen.
Look closely at his sinewy muscular form and unusuaI vitallty.
It is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or lift a jug of water or participate in a hunt.
What's going on? Peter paid the villagers to reenact the "Contest" episode of Seinfeld.
- I am out.
- Huh? I am out.
I have pleasured myself.
Dad, I've had enough of you taking advantage of these people.
For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess.
You can't spare one square? I don't have to take that from you.
I'm the richest guy in town.
Dad, don't you see? This is a wonderfuI place and you're just using it to escape from your problems at home.
What do you mean? Meg's right there.
But Chris, honey, aren't you doing the same thing? What do you mean? I mean, you just came here because you were being picked on at schooI.
You're using these people to escape your problems.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
I married this 11-year-old girI for all the wrong reasons.
I'm sorry, Loka.
I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman.
Freshman? Freshman! I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere.
Jock! Start the engine! Get the plane up! Peter, I think we forgot Meg.