Family Guy s04e14 Episode Script


This is a message to all American infidels.
Prepare to die in a sea of holy fire.
You will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of Radaman.
You Wait.
Did I just say R? What'd I say? "Radaman"? Ramadan.
Radaman? What is that? What is? Maybe Dennis Radaman is going to punish you with his crazy hair.
No? What's that? Right, yeah.
Let's go again.
This is a message to all Amer I'm not gonna be able to do it now.
I'm not OK, OK.
I know.
I gotta get I gotta get all the laughs out.
Gotta get all the laughs out.
- OK.
- Today sometime.
Stop making that face.
What are you doing? He makes that face and it makes me laugh.
You know what? Just turn around.
I don't care where you look.
Just look over there.
They're cracking up over there.
Now look who's snickering over there.
Mr "I Can't Do A Suicide Bombing Because I'm Sick".
He had a note He had a note from his doctor.
He brought a note from his doctor.
It's a suicide bombing.
What are you? OK.
All right.
Here we go.
Here we go.
All serious now.
Death to I can't I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't Come on.
Now you're just trying to make Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Rubber chicken, you know? I should do the whole tape with this in my hand.
Just with the chicken right here.
Everyone will be, like, "What the hell?" Death to Americans.
Let him do it.
Let him do the tape.
Don't blame me.
It was the chicken.
He was No.
Actually, you know what would be better? Wait.
Just walk out like this.
Just come out like this, but all serious.
Completely serious, like I don't even know I'm wearing them.
Death to America.
What? What are you looking at? Do I have something on my face? What? Right here? I'm just wearing my regular glasses.
I always wear these.
What? It's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah, he got it.
He got it over there.
The little guy got it.
Who is that guy? I've never seen him before.
How's it going, chief? Good day to you, sir.
And now prepare to die.
Who are you? I'm Stewie Griffin.
And don't ever let me catch you guys in Quahog.
Hey, Stewie.
Who the hell is that? Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning.
- Sorry.
I didn't know you were home.
- What the hell are you doing? Laying down the red carpet.
The Emmys are on.
Don't tell me you forgot about Meg's play tonight.
Meg sucks.
Everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing.
I went to her first-grade play that time.
Robin Hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle.
Don't worry, Maid Marian.
I'll save you.
Boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all.
I'm just telling for your own benefit.
I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now.
- I gotta watch the Emmys.
- You're going to Meg's play and that's that.
Is that that, now, Mrs That's That? If you're gonna shoot me you might want to tie your shoelaces first.
- Are you gonna go to Meg's play or not? - Yes.
- You like eating red carpet, tough guy? - Yes.
- Say you like eating red carpet.
- I like eating red carpet.
God, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you through interpretive dance.
Crying baby.
I'll take him out.
You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can catch the Emmy for best documentary.
- I hear there's one on vacuuming.
- Really? That sounds interesting Wait a minute.
You can't fool me that easily.
You are not watching the Emmys.
Now, shush.
Excuse me.
I gotta do some black-guy stuff.
Man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party.
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.
Thanks for having me to your birthday party, Peter.
Make a wish.
It's already come true.
Here's your present.
No! Jake, not like this.
Our top story, beloved entertainer Bob Hope briefly came back to life, only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident.
Hey, I'm gonnajump all those trash cans.
In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce created a major controversy at the Emmys, when a "trouser malfunction" caused him to expose his testicles.
Glad I didn't miss the Emmys.
That's great.
Thanks to you, I missed a moment of television history.
Well, now you know how George W Bush felt when he showed up in Vietnam.
All right, let's do this.
Let's kick some ass.
- George, the war's over.
- What? Yeah, it's done.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Oh, man.
Oh, man, I just got your messages and I'm sorry.
- It's been over for a while.
- Really? Yeah, it's 1981.
- It's Wow, so I'm way late.
Oh, boy.
- Yeah.
- You wanna do something else? - I got some blow.
Son of a bitch! Took you this long to tell me.
Break it out.
We got 20 calls about the David Hyde Pierce incident.
As you know, one call equals a billion people, which means 20 billion people were offended by this.
Something must be done.
- Perhaps we should ask the chairman.
- Good idea.
Sir, what course of action do you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident? You've got to censor television, you fools.
Now, follow my orders.
Stay tuned for Three's Company.
Jack, are you out there? I want to show you my new bikini.
What? Why are they blocking out all the good stuff? It's The van Show, starring van They're messing with my shows.
There was something very different about that Honeymooners episode.
One of these days, Alice, one of these days I'll stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
The FCC must be overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident.
- They're censoring anything unpleasant.
- What the hell? They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.
Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this.
You're on TV.
Can't you do something about this? Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me for help.
We'll have more after this.
We're back.
To answer your question, if you want to control content, start your own TV station.
My own TV station.
I haven't had my own business since that mail-order operation.
I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you.
Itjust slammed me into a mountain.
- No returns.
- I've been a customer for years.
- I can maybe give you a store credit.
- But Really? Well, I guess - What's the hold-up? - I'm taking care of it.
What are you doing? What is all this stuff? Dad's starting his own TV station, but I'm not supposed to tell Mom because she'll just bitch him out.
What do you expect to accomplish? I'm saving television.
Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof.
Sure, Peter.
Apache Chief, eeh-nay-chuk.
Well, that was the high point of my day.
Guess I'll go gamble.
Hi there.
I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watching PTV, with your favourite shows as nature intended them - with all the sex, violence, swearing and farts intact, like in All in the Family, where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.
Time for you to move there, Jefferson.
Oh, Archie.
I can't see out of my sheet.
Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus.
And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons? - Good night, Jim Bob.
- Good night, Pa.
- Good night.
Good night, Elizabeth.
- Good night.
Good night, Ma.
Good night, Elizabeth.
Good night, John Boy.
Good night, John Boy.
- John Boy? - Can't a guy masturbate? Peter, look at these numbers.
We're a hit.
I'd think about expanding your programming.
Brian, that's a great idea.
That's exactly what we need to take PTV to the next level.
Original programming.
Hi, and welcome to The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour, a wonderful look back on all the partial nudity network television used to offer.
Look at that side boob.
Check out this side boob.
How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well, it shouldn't, cos that's my side boob.
Good night, everybody.
So, what do you think? You gotta be careful about what you put on your network.
Children are impressionable.
Remember when Chris saw Jackie Mason? Chris, you should've left for school.
Shiksa, don't start with me.
I forgot to go, I should've gone.
- Chris, just go.
- Mom, relax.
You look so haggard.
Lie down or your heart might go Don't worry.
I got a bunch of great new shows lined up.
Filmed in front of a live audience.
My God.
Where's my roast pheasant? By now I think it's in my lower intestine.
You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming for dinner.
Unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry.
You cheeky bastard.
Welcome to Midnight Q.
Tonight we'll enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer will read an excerpt from his latest book, and we have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana.
We'll find out where.
Giggety giggety, giggety goo.
Stick around.
More fan mail.
Sheesh, people freakin' love us.
We'll be huge.
I want you to cancel that show with the animals having sex.
For your information, it's called Dogs Humping.
It is the cornerstone of our Wednesday line-up.
Responsibility lies with the parents.
There are worse things for children than TV, like when Peter baby-sat the neighbours' kid.
Couldn't find your toys, so why don't you just play with this blow-dryer and these rattles? Guess that's it.
You probably want me out of your hair, so here's the Drano in case there's a clog.
Soap's right there next to the radio, and towels are on the roof.
So, good night.
It's one thing if a network runs inappropriate shows I can't do anything about, but I won't have it happening in my house.
There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about my programming.
All right, Dad, you're on.
Hey, PTV fans.
Welcome to Douchebags.
We're here on the I95 overpass doing our first segment, "I Dare You To Crap Off Of That".
We'll spend the day crapping off things that others have dared us to crap off.
- I dared him.
- All right.
Here we go.
I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there? Before you yell, let me remind you that you recklessly drove into oncoming crap.
It was inexcusable, Peter, and Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again.
Turn off the windshield wipers.
They don't work.
They're making it worse.
Peter, that's it.
I asked you to stop this and you didn't listen to me.
I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice.
- I called the FCC.
- Oh, yeah.
I know all about the FCC.
They will clean up all your talking in a menace such as this They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss Here's the plain situation There's no negotiation with the fellas at the freakin' FCC They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special-interest groups Make ajoke about your bowels and they order in the troops Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops Take a tip, take a lesson You'll never win by messin' with the fellas at the freakin' FCC And if you find yourself with some young, sexy thing You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling Cos you can't say "penis" So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first They may just be neurotic Or possibly psychotic They're the fellas at the freakin' FCC Mr Griffin, that was terrific, but I'm here to tell you that as of today, PTV is shut down.
Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first.
Ow! God! All right, you caught me.
We're tired of you infecting people with your smut.
It's an epidemic.
It must be contained.
Well, Mr FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can never stop people from being who they are.
Or can we? - What are you doing? - Censoring real life.
His chin looks like balls.
Want me to cover that too? How long will you be censoring us? Until you and all of Quahog start to clean up your act, like when Ozzy Osbourne stopped biting heads off bats.
Before I start playing, I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.
I'll finish it later.
Lois, these eggs are scrambled.
I thought for sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold.
Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter.
You brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Lois, you are so full of What? Now I can't say in my own house? Great, Lois.
Just great.
You know, you're lucky you're good at my You know what I mean - when you lubed up toothpaste in my cherry Episcopalian extension cord wetness with a parking ticket - that is the best.
- What is this? - The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence.
Everyone must wear this device that converts all fart sounds into Steven Wrightjokes.
I spilt spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
This is bogus.
Two shakes.
That's it.
Move along.
Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.
Lois, you ruined everything.
I know it's a little extreme, but when it comes to our children, it's better to err on the safe side, right? No.
You know, if everybody was as closed-minded as you, the world wouldn't have some of its most inspired creations.
Man, this chocolate bar is delicious.
Yeah, I love peanut butter.
- I'm Officer Reeses.
What happened here? - He got peanut butter on my chocolate.
He got chocolate in my peanut butter.
Come on.
I know what'll make you feel better.
How about a little angry sex? All right.
Those actions are highly inappropriate.
What? Wait, we're not allowed to have sex? You can have sex, just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
This isn't very romantic.
How are we supposed? I'm done.
Night, Lois.
Come on, you son of a me.
- Brian, would you mind? - Yeah, sure.
I haven't had sex in two weeks.
I'm just a little on edge lately.
There wasn't this much tension when the slaves were freed.
OK, so you're free to go.
But we're cool, right? Peter, we have to talk.
I thought this FCC thing was a good idea at first, but it's just gone way too far.
What are you saying, Lois? Well, I don't want to admit it, but I think you were right.
I don't believe it.
Finally I can do this.
I set that thing up 15 years ago.
Hey, where's the clown? We've gotta do something about this.
Pack your bag, Peter.
We're going to Washington.
There he is.
- Are we there yet? - No, honey, we're not.
- Are we there yet? - No, Chris.
- Are we there yet? - Yes, Chris.
OK? We're there.
Liar! East of Eden? So you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to.
This book's been around for 50 years.
It's a classic.
You just got it last week.
There's an Oprah sticker on it.
Is that what that is? Let me peel that right off.
- What will you read after that? - She hasn't told us yet.
Damn! And the motion carries.
The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy.
Gentlemen, that was a fart.
- What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on.
This government's FCC is trying to take the farts away from television, and all the sex and nudity and all the poop.
Well, I say it's wrong.
These things are part of the fabric of American life.
We appreciate your passion, but this Congress supports the FCC.
Indecency is un-American.
Yeah? Well, I can prove to you that that's a bunch of bull.
Look around you.
The Washington Monument.
Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Capitol Building - quite obviously a giant boob.
And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.
My God! How could we have been so blind? He's right.
Have you ever looked closely at the Lincoln Memorial? Our top story, the FCC's content ban on Quahog has finally been lifted.
- Well, you did it, Peter.
You beat the FCC.
- Shh, Lois.
Let's watch The Brady Bunch.
Look what I did.
Isn't it the biggest, most super-special poop you've ever seen? Well, Cindy, I guess it's true that big things come in small packages.