Family Guy s04e16 Episode Script

The Courtship of Stewie's Father

How come I'm never employee of the month? It's the worstjob since the Sand People choir.
And a one, and a two No.
The altos were early.
This is the worst glee club I've ever Come on.
Where are you going? The benefit's tomorrow.
They frighten easily, but they'll be back.
And in greater numbers.
- That'll give us a richer harmony.
- It's gonna sound fantastic.
Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out! Brian, help me! Thatjerk Opie got employee of the month again because my boss hates me.
Maybe you need to brown-nose her a little bit, Peter.
Really? I thought you said she was ugly.
Oh, you mean kiss up to her.
- That's a great idea, Joe.
- If that doesn't do it, work hard and be polite.
That's how I won friends when I worked for E!.
Would you mind talking to E!? I'm not Seabiscuit, I'm Penélope Cruz.
And you're just lovely.
Would you like a carrot? Good girl.
Brown-nose? All right.
I'll do something special for her.
- Surprise! - What the hell are you doing at my house? I asked around and everybody said you liked animals, so I organised a surprise cockfight.
Oh, boy.
Oh, God.
Well, it looks like they killed each other.
That was probably what all that racket was about an hour ago.
Well, I will see you Monday.
Oh, crap.
Well, looks like the good Lord just sent me a conversation starter.
Come here, Jesse.
Come get the ball.
How unfortunate.
Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home and I was just wondering, how's he been behaving at school? Mrs Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class.
- Notice anything unusual? - I sure do.
His father's not in any of them.
- Exactly.
- Peter's been preoccupied with work lately.
I guess Stewie's been missing his father.
Thank you for letting me know.
Damn! She moved.
I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation.
- What happens to us in the future? - It's your kids.
Something's gotta be done.
- What do you mean? - Your daughter marries a black man.
- That's actually not a big deal for me.
- Yeah.
Me neither.
Well, it You Really? - Yeah.
I mean, what's wrong with that? - Nothing.
It's nothing, I guess.
- I think it's great.
- I don't think I'm comfortable around you.
- Peanut butter was invented by a black man.
- Too late, Doc.
Hi, Herbert.
What brings you here? It seems your son's baseball broke one of my windows the other day.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance.
Perhaps we could work something out.
I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house.
That seems fair to me.
You have damaged this man's property.
Until you pay off the debt, you'll do whateverjob he wants you to.
At the end of the day, if you're exhausted and your face is wet, it means you did a good job.
That sounds fine.
I don't want to spend my weekend doing chores.
Chris, a little hard work can do wonders.
Just look at how they built the pyramids.
All peoples must go through hard times.
We Jews are getting ours out of the way early.
From hereon out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.
- I have an announcement to make.
- Don't you do it.
Don't lose a single pound.
I don't care what Hollywood imagemakers say.
Big women are sexy.
I wanted to tell you Opie will not be receiving employee of the month.
He's being promoted.
Yes! That means I'm employee of the month.
No, you're not, Griffin.
I'm giving it to Soundwave.
So I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise.
We met in a Christian chat room.
- We need to talk about your son.
- The fat one or the funny-looking one? Dad called you fat.
Stewie's been acting out.
I think it's cos he's not spending time with you.
It's time you take an interest.
Starting today, I want you to spend more time with Stewie.
You can make a box fort.
See? Here's a box.
You can pretend it's a fort.
Actually, that sounds like fun.
I want this.
I'm king in here.
Peter, maybe Stewie would like to play fort too.
If you need me, I'll be in space.
Great idea bringing Stewie here.
There's no better place for a father and son to get to know each other than a ball game.
Where is Stewie? - Is that a baby in there? - Oh, my God.
He's gonna miss the game.
Hey, remember those hot homeless twins who live under the overpass? Last night Wait, Quagmire.
Let me cover Stewie's ears.
And this is the hand that caused all the trouble.
Got your nose, little guy.
Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear.
Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their A squad.
I saw bullet wounds.
You can'tjust take him places you want to go.
He's a baby.
I think I know how to spend time with my own kid, all right? The bond between a father and son is sacred.
I'm sorry, Jesus, but my house, my rules.
Up yours, Joseph.
You're not my real dad.
- Hello? - Hey, Dad.
It's me.
Listen, things here aren't working out any more, and I was wondering, can I come live with you and Janet for a while? Wow, kiddo.
You know, I'd love that, but I don't know if now is the best time.
Maybe next year, OK? I'll see you Friday night.
Tell your mother I sent the cheque.
- So where were we? - Right about here.
- Come on, baby.
It's my birthday.
- No.
All I'm saying is that you just need to find an activity that you and Stewie can share.
Peter, can you reach that box of rice? Sorry, Lois.
That rice got you, bitch.
He's laughing.
You think that's funny? You like that? Lois, you want some beans with that rice? I misjudged you, fat man.
- Dammit.
Peter, what's wrong with you? - Wait, Lois, don't move.
Stewie's loving this.
See if she's got any cash on her.
OK, Stewie.
Get the camera ready.
Peter, stop it.
What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie.
There is nothing more precious than a baby's laughter.
- I hope she can get out.
- I'm sure she'll be fine.
Well, hello there, young man.
I was starting to think you weren't coming.
Sorry I'm late, Mr Herbert.
Well, I guess I'll get started.
You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine.
Or tie it in a knot.
Your choice.
We go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel 5 traffic copter.
- Ollie? - Everybody looks like ants.
Probably cos you're up so high.
Coming up, an interview with Andrew Shue.
Hey, Dad.
Pull my finger.
Sounded like a peeptoad, but it's not summer.
Hey, Drippy, you're back.
What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind.
I am furious with you.
You can't talk to him like that.
Take that.
- Stewie, you're going to your room.
- I think not.
Dad's got my back.
She looks mad.
You better go to your room.
What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her.
Help me, you fool.
You traitor.
I trusted you, but you're a wuss.
Don't feel bad, Peter.
Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.
- I don't think I'm in the mood.
- Are you sure? Sorry, Brian.
It's just not doing it today.
Stewie, got a minute for your daddy? Get out of here, you spineless oaf.
And by the way, I faked all those bowel movements.
I feel awful.
We were getting along and now he hates me.
How do I get him to like me? That depends.
Do you want my advice or are you asking random questions again? What's a hypotenuse? I know you're mad, but when you see where I'm taking you, you'll change your mind.
Yeah, right.
I'm gonna change my mind.
We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you.
Check it out, Stewie.
Halle Berry's Wild Ride.
It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me.
We've been puttering around this fat farm for hours.
I've had enough.
Hey, Stewie, they got Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone.
Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo.
Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything, but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, nohow.
That's good old-fashioned family racism.
Well, well.
A lost child.
Looks like we've got a new recruit.
- Now sing.
- I shall do no such thing.
You must sing.
If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen.
Is Chris doing chores for that disgusting man? Meg, that's not nice.
Old people have a lot to offer society.
Just look at Kim Cattrall.
Come and get it, big boy.
There we go.
Thanks for buying dinner, Mr Herbert.
I wanted to thank you properly for all your hard work.
- Souvenir photograph? - Hell, yes.
Are you dead? - I say, fat man, get me out of here.
- There you are.
Thank God.
Why are you dressed like Rerun? You're free.
Run back to your individual countries of origin.
Those multicultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation.
Get 'em, Achmed.
Look over there.
There's a woman learning.
Quick, in here.
Looks like we're in the clear.
- Michael Eisner.
- Cover your heart.
Kali Ma.
Kali Ma.
Kali Ma.
You betrayed the shareholders.
- You think he's dead? - Nah, he'll be on his feet in no time.
He'll follow Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps with a POD deal at Touchstone.
Are you all right? Fat man, I'm not sure how to say this without sounding cheesy, but, well, you really came through for me today, so I - What the hell.
- I love you too, buddy.
Come on, Stewie.
Let's go home.
Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.
Well, Jesse, I guess we've got to find some other way to spend our evenings.
Now back to ESPN's exclusive coverage of the Little League World Series.