Family Guy s04e18 Episode Script

The Father, The Son and the Holy Fonz

We now return to The Adventures of Aquaman.
- Yeah? - Hey, can you grab me another beer? Yeah.
Anything else? Maybe a TV guide and another pillow for your feet? No, actually, get me, like, a Dewar's and soda.
And try to keep the saltwater out of it if you could.
Try Try to keep the salt - We're surrounded by saltwater.
It's difficult.
- I know.
I'm just saying I'm just saying try.
- Want me to wipe your ass too? - That's a helpful tone.
I'm just saying.
You're abusing your powers a little bit.
This is time that could be spent getting me my beverage.
What are you doing? We gotta get ready for your grandpa's 80th birthday.
- Calm down.
He's just your father.
- But I love him.
His folksy racism, his "I don't care where I am" flatulence.
And the way it seems like he's chewing even when there's no food.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Francis, it's so good to see you.
Lois, you haven't changed a bit, you lying bitch.
Why don't you come into the dining room? The table's all set for your birthday dinner.
Lois, actually, Dad said he would prefer it if you did notjoin us.
You know, you being a Protestant and all.
- He said it's OK if you sit at the kids' table.
- I cooked the damn dinner.
I knew you were gonna react like this.
That's why I brought Bill Lumbergh to explain it.
Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and not complain about this.
And if you could go ahead and sit at the kids' table, that'd be great.
I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different.
I don't know.
It won't kill you to contribute to the conversation.
Dad, tell us about World War I and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente.
Lois, when are you gonna get that baby baptised? Oh, God.
Not this again.
Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you? Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.
I love you, Grandpa.
Your toenails are the same colour as my school bus.
You really think splashing magic water on Stewie will keep him out of hell? Watch that talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked! Very Christian.
"Believe what I say or I'll hurt you.
" Now you're getting it! - Peter, we have a problem.
- Hang on, Lois.
I'm watching a movie.
And now back to Jaws 5- Fire Island.
- You think we should be this far out? - Stop worrying, Mark.
We'll be fine.
Hey, I'm gonna eat y'all.
I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.
I'm gonna eat that one too.
I can see right up them shorts.
I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with.
Now, wait a minute.
I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.
It's OK, though.
I've been swimming a lot lately.
Your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptised.
I am sick of him always trying to force his religious views on us.
I'll talk to him, Lois, but when my dad wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.
You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.
- Dad, what are you doing? - There's no cross! Every kitchen needs one.
Nothing says "eat up" like a bleeding half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.
Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you.
Lois was wondering if maybe you could I don't know, ease up on the whole Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift? You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter.
Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptised! All right, Dad.
I don't want you to hate me, so I'll make a deal with you.
If we get Stewie baptised, you and all other old people have to acknowledge and be aware there's crap in the corners of your mouth.
I'll think about it.
Now let's go! Old people are gross, no matter how cute they try to be on Desperate Housewives.
Go ahead, switch over to ABC for five seconds.
I'll wait five seconds.
Oh, my God.
Did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are? Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody poured Silly Putty over their knee.
I'm sorry, Mr Griffin, but I can't baptise little Stewie today.
Our last shipment of holy water is tainted.
Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen? We'll call you when we get a new shipment in.
There's no such thing as tainted holy water.
Come on! We'll do it ourselves.
Stewie Griffin, I baptise you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
- And Space Ghost.
- What are you doing? Oh, my God.
This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates.
Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.
Stewie, you don't look so good.
Baby, you're burning up.
Oh, my God.
Stewie! Stewie! Speak to me.
Don't don't take me to a black doctor.
Mr and Mrs Griffin, I've examined your son and he is suffering from toxic anaemia, which has weakened his immune system.
- Is he gonna die? - No, but he's vulnerable to infection.
He must be in a germ-free plastic environment.
My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? Oh, no.
You're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? It looks like the operation was a success.
Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself.
You bastard! He meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
How could this have happened? Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water.
Peter, you had Stewie baptised behind my back? This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus to those inner-city immigrants.
Peter, you're a complete slave to your father's religion.
What about your religious beliefs? - You have a choice, you know.
- I do? Of course.
You're a grown man.
You can pick any religion you want.
Really? You know, Lois, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should pick my own religion.
The question is, which one? I tell you what you can pick - a tune on the piano.
How the whiz-bang does the rest of it go? Quick, make something up.
What are all these women doing in our living room? I took your advice and picked a new religion.
- I'm gonna be a Mormon.
- A Mormon? Are you sure? Nailing a different wife every night? It's a no-brainer.
Lois, this is Kimmy, the checkout girl from the Korean market.
Nancy, our postal carrier.
And Tiffany, the woman who stands downtown and screams at traffic.
I ate a tube of Crest for dinner! Isn't she funny? She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives.
- Nancy, get me a beer.
- Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol.
- Did you just throw those women away? - No.
Also in the news, trouble at St Phillips Church.
A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Sounds dangerous.
Be careful next time you're at confession talking about cheating on your wife with that drag queen.
At least you're in no danger, since you only visit church to leave your self-delivered, half-dead newborns on the step.
Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.
It's sad seeing Stewie in that plastic bubble.
I think he looks like a bunny.
That's it.
Keep laughing.
When I get out of here, you're going to get it! I'll lull you into a false sense of security like those network television announcers.
Tonight on Mama's Family, Mama's got more than she can handle with the in-laws.
A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple on all new Hotel.
On Newhart, the stockings are stuffed with comedy as Bob plays Santa.
Then a sniper's bullet threatens a partnership on all-new Cagney & Lacey.
Tonight on Night Court, love is in the air when Judge Harry's old school flame comes to town.
Then a child's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker's life on LA Law.
- Night Court at eight.
- LA Law at nine.
Remember, don't touch Stewie.
He's not allowed to have any human contact.
Finish the job, idiot! There's no ventilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.
Hey, gay bo, I'm up here.
Up here.
My name's Peter.
I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news of the story of Jesus.
Go ahead.
Really? Wow! Boy! You're the first person who didn't slam the door on me.
OK, well, Jesus was a miracle worker of sorts.
He would travel from place to place putting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home.
- What are you doing with my wife? - Oh, boy! The pathway to enlightenment starts with an unfettered, focused mind.
- Look out! - What are you doing? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle.
Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.
It's a portal, an opening, through which all light, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy may enter the human form.
- A vagina? - Get out! Hey, Stewie, three o'clock.
Time for The View.
No, no! Not again! Let me out of here! I can't watch another second! Relax, Stewie.
The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise.
Boy! Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids.
Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? Dammit, Meg! - And now back to Happy Days.
- That Fonzie is magic.
I love how he hits the jukebox to make it work.
- What is it, Mr C? - Fonz, I I wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary.
But, as you know, I have erectile dysfunction.
- There we go.
- Thank you, Arthur.
Hey! Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys.
- No.
I'm watching television.
- Come on! I'm sick! All right.
Come here.
Todd, I feel like we'll never have a baby of our own.
We will, Kelly.
You just have to visualise it.
Come on, close your eyes.
Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play.
Put him in a magic bubble and release him to the universe.
Honey, now I want you to visualise Lindsay Lohan naked, doing a backwards crab walk.
- What? - Just do this for me! Peter, where have you been, lad? Dad, I was trying to find my own religion, but it didn't work out.
I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity.
Wanna get some breakfast or something? You want to find religion, all you got to do is look in your heart.
Who's always been there for you offering wisdom and truth? You've known him all along, son.
Now worship him! Oh, my God! Dad's right! There is only one person! And it's time for him to be properly worshipped.
I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish the First United Church of the Fonz! Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign.
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.
This is how a crab walks.
It sure is! Fonzie be praised! All right, Dad! Two days ago this was an old barn.
And now, thanks to you, it's an old barn with a sign on it.
All things are possible through the Lord God Arthur Fonzarelli.
- You're going through with this? - Absolutely.
You know this place only cost me 100 bucks? That's a better deal than that Aaron Neville megaphone.
I want to thank you guys for making me activity director for the day.
OK, first of all, can everybody What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? OK.
We're about to start the sack race.
Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town.
- People will think you're crazy.
- You like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm sorry.
That was more than what was called for.
But it happens when you challenge someone's faith.
Peter, I know this is important to you.
But I don't want to see you humiliated.
I don't think anyone's gonna want to worship the Fonz.
- Is this the church of the Fonz? - Yes, it is.
I read your flyer! Finally a religion that makes sense! Hey, everyone! I found him.
Over here! There you are.
You would not believe the morning I've had.
What is this? I thought you said we were going to church! This is church.
A new church, created by a man brave enough to follow his own vision.
Please rise.
Now sit on it.
- The Fonz be with you.
- And also with you.
- Let us "hey".
- Hey.
I can't believe people are buying this.
Fonzie's cool, Brian.
Deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.
A reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.
"Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage and sayeth he, 'Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle though I suffereth from temporary blindness.
"' "'And, yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downy, the only Negro in Wisconsin.
"' - Amen.
- Amen.
- What's that smell? - Black spray paint.
- What were you painting? - You think you're so funny.
Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! Dammit.
I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that birthday party.
OK, OK, ready? Here goes.
I am a female.
I have a high voice.
I have reproductive organs inside of me and I buy groceries.
Peter, your religion is an abomination! I never thought you could ever embarrass me more than you did at Cousin Mary's wedding.
If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now.
Really? Nobody's gonna speak up? I'm the one who's gonna have to say it? All right.
Genital warts! But you said I should look into my heart to find my religion.
Yes! Real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion.
It was just a bunch of sheep singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales! - Actually, that is religion.
- Shut your trap! - Ha! You tell him! - Why? I agree with you.
Peter's found another way to exploit people's ignorance and that's wrong.
You think I'm wr? See, Brian? That's a word the Fonz can't say.
Because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life.
Fonzie be with you.
I ought to take off my belt and slap the crap out of him! Look, I don't like you and you don't like me.
I suggest we set aside our differences and work together.
- I have an idea to snap Peter out of this.
- Work together? You and me? Sure.
Sometimes opposites work well together.
Peter taught me that.
Reverend, I gotta talk to you.
Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde and her mom.
That's quite a story, but there's no confession so there's really no reason for you to tell me.
Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery of Richie's elder brother Chuck, who ascended the stairs with his basketball in season one and never came down again.
There's one problem.
When a religion gets too powerful, it's bound to have imitators.
- What are you talking about? - Hi.
I'm Sherman Hemsley.
I've just established the Church of George Jefferson.
Who wants to move on up? Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod and I established the Church of Captain Stubing.
Who wants to come on board? Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron! You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? No.
I'm here to convert people to Christianity.
Well, he was on Growing Pains.
I can't believe it.
Everybody's gone! People are always looking for the next voice to tell them what to do.
And here I was thinking I was making a difference.
I thought I was connecting with people.
Could there be anyone stupider than me? - Madonna? - Yeah.
She's pretty stupid.
- That's something we can agree on.
- Absolutely.
Francis? Oh, major idiot.
Major idiot.
Gosh! I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh? Yeah.
And "La Isla Bonita" - not a real place.
I looked it up, bought a globe, couldn't find it.
- That makes her a liar too.
- She's awful! - Awful, awful woman.
- I agree, yeah.
- And she's a whore.
- Yeah, big time.
Oh, everybody.
Canseco? Eww.
- Dennis Rodman.
- Dennis Rodman.
- Rodman? My God! - I think he lost all his money, didn't he? Rodman? Are you sure you're not thinking MC Hammer? No, no Well, him too.
I read somewhere.
I think it was in, like, Stuff or so No, you know what it was? It was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.
And they said that he's in the poorhouse now.
- You think she'd do him now? - Would Madonna do Rodman now? Yeah.
Cos it's not the money, it's about pissing off Daddy.
- She's got a lot of problems.
- Lot of problems.
Yeah, we are smarter.
We are smarter than Madonna.
No question.
Well, I should probably get out of these robes.
- Look at you.
You're all better.
- That's right, Brian.
And you are toast! I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back, and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man! Listen.
Sorry I had to rain on your parade, Peter.
It's all right, Brian.
I guess the Church of the Fonz was just a bad idea.
Not really, Peter.
You were preaching honesty, friendship, courage.
If you managed to inspire even one person to embrace those values, you were a success.
Thanks, Lois.
But I doubt there's any chance of that.