Family Guy s05e16 Episode Script

No Chris Left Behind

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy We now return to How I Met Your Father.
Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married.
You know, Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his 20s to always be talking about getting married, rather than getting laid? - Barney, I'm in love with you.
- Suit up! All right, come on, everyone.
Go get dressed.
It's ballet night.
Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Peter, a little culture is good for this family.
Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you? No, Lois, I did not.
The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy.
And with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this'll be worth a few yucks.
" But, no, Lois, that title wrote a check that those queers on stage refused to cash.
Peter, we're going.
Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will.
- Are we there yet? - No! - Are we there yet? - No! - Are we there yet? - Damn it, I swear to God, I will turn this ship around! - That works.
- Okay.
- Lf you want to teach us a lesson - Yeah, that's even better.
All right, if that's what you Wait a minute! You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and It seems to work out for them.
So Hintedy-hint-hint.
Boy, this is gonna be long.
So, you kids develop any good pot connections - at your school yet? - What? - Yeah.
- Lois, we'll be right back.
Meg's gonna take me outside to poop.
Hello? - Hey, Quagmire.
- Hey, Peter, what's up? - I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
- Get out of here.
You serious? - Yeah.
- So am I! - What? Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to screw.
Where you sitting? Look across at the other balcony, I can see you.
Oh, my God! What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? We're both here.
Oh, my God, we should text each other.
Hang up! Hang up! Chris, how many times have I told you, no reading during meals.
I have a history test today, Mom, and I couldn't study last night because you made us go to the ballet.
Yeah, right in her ass.
Well, Chris, you're not gonna learn any history from this.
- This textbook is from 1896.
- What? - "Chapter Three.
Here Comes Utah.
" - Let me see that.
"Negroes, America's Dancingest Rapefolk.
" That's awful! We don't use the word "negro" anymore.
What the hell? Are these schools so underfunded that they can't afford textbooks from this century? Well, I am gonna raise hell about this at the next PTA meeting.
Well, let me know if you need help.
I can be very persuasive.
I gave the next speech after the Braveheart guy.
They can take our lives, but they can never take our freedom! And, and, let's not forget the tax they levied on properties that are in abutment of church lands.
So, yeah! Let's do it! All right, let's get this meeting underway.
For our first order of business, we'll go to Bruce.
Oh, hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school.
We've got lots of exciting topics here tonight.
We gonna have a puppet show, we gonna have some jazz.
No, I'm just kidding.
We have some business to take care of, though.
I'm sorry I pulled y'alls legs.
I'm just a little excited 'cause I met somebody today.
Someone in the bookstore.
Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do.
Oh, and the adventure begins again.
Excuse me, Principal Shepherd, there's something I'd like to discuss.
The school has gone too far with these budget cuts.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Griffin, but the "No Child Left Behind" law cost us our federal funding because our students' test scores were too low.
They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind.
Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence.
Let's take roll call first.
- Thomas Jefferson? Here.
- Benjamin Franklin? Here.
- John Footpenis? It's Hancock now.
Why? Mind your business, that's why.
Well, somehow this school needs to raise its test scores right away! I suppose there is one thing I can do to raise the school's test average.
Then do it! All right.
We'll drop the dumbest student we have.
Chris Griffin is hereby expelled.
But if I leave now, I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.
Cool, I don't have to go to school.
I can just pee in my bed all day.
Chris, being expelled is a serious thing.
Peter, we've got to find another school for him.
I say, I could home-school him.
After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop.
Oh! So, do you think your school would be right for Chris? Oh, absolutely.
Quahog School for the Deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic.
In fact, you're just in time for our homecoming pep rally.
- What are we gonna do to Lincoln? Kill them! - I can't hear you! Kill them! - I can't hear you! Kill them! - I can't hear you! Kill them! - I can't hear you! Kill them! Let's just go.
Welcome to the Quahog Maritime School, Chris.
Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men.
Just men.
For many days at a time.
Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men.
Is this some kind of pirate school? Well, a certain kind of pirate.
Yes, we've been called that.
- I don't know.
- Is there some kind of pre-school program? You know, I have to admit, I've always been a little worried about Chris, but I guess I just convinced myself things would work out for him.
But with no education, what kind of future can he possibly have? Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back.
And every other school we've tried just doesn't Oh, crap! My son got into DeVry.
Oh, good, what'd he have to do, open the door? Can't you let me have anything? Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on, hang on.
What are we fighting about? - You know, I have completely forgotten.
- Me, too.
Something about a coupon? - I cannot for the life of me remember.
- Oh, my God, that's ridiculous.
You know what, I just I hope I didn't hurt you - because I'd feel terrible about that.
- No, no, no.
I'm all right.
But, listen, you know what, let me make it up to you.
Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner.
Well, that sounds lovely.
That was delicious.
You know, I drive by this place all the time and I've never been inside, isn't that funny? Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident.
We had reservations at another place and they - Right, right, honey? - Yeah.
They couldn't seat us for, like, an hour, so we ended up coming here - and we just loved it.
- Loved it.
I can see why.
I mean, that halibut was That may have been the best halibut I've ever had.
Well, I'm glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? Yes! Thank you! Oh, oh, let me, let me, let I'll get that.
I'll get that.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I got it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm taking care of this.
No, no, no, your money's no good here.
No, my food was more expensive.
I feel bad if We invited you.
I've got this.
- Look, just let go of the check.
- You let go of the check.
- I'm not taking my hand off this thing.
- Well, neither am I.
Let go of the check.
- Ernie, if he wants to - Stay out of this! Don't you talk to my wife like that! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? Sorry.
And every other school we've tried just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris.
Well, there is one other option.
Daddy, there's something I need you to do for me.
Chris got expelled from James Woods High, and, well, I was wondering if you could get him into that fancy boarding school you went to.
You want me to get Chris into Morningwood Academy? It would mean so much to our family.
All right, I'll pull some strings on one condition.
I want Peter to do something really humiliating.
Well, what did you have in mind? He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake of Liar Liar for my amusement.
Do you know why I stopped you? I didn't fasten my seat belt, I didn't look in my rear view mirror, I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I almost hit a Chevy, I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling, I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding.
- Well, Chris, here we are.
- Wow, this school is really nice.
Boy, a degree from here would set you up with any job you wanted.
Yes, I should attend this institution.
Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday.
I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
All will kneel before What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico? - Hi, is this Room 214? - Oh, you must be our new dorm-mate! I'm Rogers ChapStick, heir to the ChapStick fortune.
And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune.
Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sir? And this is James Bottomtooth IV.
- I'm Chris.
- Let me get those bags for you.
Johann? Um Oh, dear.
Johann tells me your luggage is the luggage of the poor.
Well, I am poor.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
What the Ow! Ow! Ow! - This school is not for your kind! - Why? I still don't fully understand! And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris.
Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed? Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection.
One time I picked my nose and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye.
- Shut up, poor kid.
- No, I'm serious, look! - So, Chris, how's the new school? - It's awful! I hate it! Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich.
Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible.
All right, look, I'll tell you what.
I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's anything he can do.
Good, 'cause I haven't been this miserable since I had to throw Rocky Balboa out of the Shamrock Meat Company.
Look, I'm sorry, I can't have you in here punching the meat.
I mean, there's really not too many things you can't do in here, but that is one of them.
What about Paulie? He's having sex with the meat.
- Hey, Rock, I'm porking it.
- That's a good one.
Phew! Well, that's enough fun for one day.
I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale.
Where am I? Grandpa? What are you doing here? Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society.
This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures.
Every president, every CEO, every douche bag named Ryan Seacrest.
The Skull and Bones Society has been a part of my family for decades, and we want you to become a member.
- Really? Wow, cool! - Excellent.
You get your own stock portfolio, a percentage of the 9/11 Victims Fund, and the best medical care on the planet.
You'll be kept as healthy as a horse.
- So, how's that leg doing? - Great! Great! Never better! Good.
Why don't you try putting some weight on it? Oh, sure.
Yes! Yes! Oh, that's good! That feels good! Very strong! Sorry, Thunder, I got to put you down.
How's your leg? Huh? How's your leg? You ready to race? Huh? We now return to Japanese Girls Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute.
Oh! Look at my tiny dog! I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse! Tiny phone! Tiny everything! Peter, have you seen this tuition bill? Morningwood Academy is charging us $30,000.
Well, looks like we're all gonna have to take second jobs.
I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back, selling buttscratchers at the ballpark.
Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher! Get your buttscratcher here! - Buttscratcher! - Buttscratcher? - Buttscratcher! - Buttscratcher.
Buttscratcher.
Buttscratcher! - Buttscratcher! Chris, come here, you'll love this.
The first Thursday of every month we go to a local orphanage, pick out a kid, fill out all the paperwork, and then don't take him home.
- It's hilarious.
- That sounds kind of cruel.
No, no, you'll love it.
It's great.
Come on! Come on in! Your family's waiting in here! There are toys and a puppy! And food that's not served from warming trays! Come on! You got to want it! Oh, you got to do better than that! Okay, I guess you don't want a new family, toys and a puppy.
Hi, everybody, I'm home! - Hi, Chris.
- Hey, how are you? Well, tell us everything, sweetie.
How's school going so far? It's great, Mom! I got powerful connections now, thanks to Grandpa.
Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from working two jobs to pay your tuition.
I've been selling buttscratchers.
- Buttscratcher! - No, Peter.
- Buttscratcher! - Peter, no! - Buttscratcher! - No! - Buttscratcher.
- Dad, you You got an extra job just to put me through school? We all did, Chris.
Meg and I have been working nights.
I'll take the one on the right! Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.
And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.
Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem! That'll be $60.
- You wanted to see me, Grandpa? - Yes, Chris.
Your pledge period is over.
The Skull and Bones elders are now ready to admit you to our ranks.
As is customary with all our new members, you now have to spend seven minutes in the closet with our most senior member.
We don't start the clock until the door closes.
You know, Grandpa, I don't think I wanna go through with it.
We all had to do it, Chris.
Now get in there.
No, I mean, I think I wanna go back to my old school.
My family's working so hard to pay my tuition here, and I feel bad.
Is there any way you can get me back into James Woods High? Well, I suppose I could pull some strings, if that's really what you want, Chris.
- It is.
- All right, consider it done.
Thanks, Grandpa.
- Sorry, Master Herbert.
- Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt.
Yes, sir.
I am so tired of you.
It's good to have you back, buddy.
Thanks, Dad.
I didn't really fit in there anyway.
The rooms were only 15 by 20.
If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I'd be dead right now.
Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? Okay, Mom.
Cut it out! I'm just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs!