Family Guy s06e12 Episode Script

Long John Peter

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's aFam ily Guy! God, I hate coming to the vet.
They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here.
For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn.
Who's with me? My apologies.
My pet cricket has restless leg syndrome.
I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious.
Ugh, look at that, Lois.
That's why cats freak me out.
He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves.
Look at that, huh? Look at that -bleep-.
Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian.
I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up.
Meg, we've been over this.
You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.
But Dad Meg, that's final.
See, this bird knows what I'm talking about.
Thank you.
You're very polite.
You do not see that these days.
You do not see that.
I like you.
Oh, thank God.
You knyou never really know what somebody thinks of you, but I'm glad I made a good first impression.
Would you like to be friends? Like to be friends.
Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly.
What's your name? I'm Peter.
No way! That's my name! Hey, you should come home and spend the night at my house.
Lois, will you make up the guest room? Peter, that's someone's pet.
You can't just take it.
Well, maybe they never know it's gone.
Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're okay.
Yes, he's doing fine.
We were able to clear the stomach obstruction.
Tuout it was a used diaper.
Gross! Oh, yes.
Get off my back.
I thought it was Indian food.
Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr.
I really thought we were gonna lose him.
It was my pleasure,Mrs.
Go ahead and check outwith my intern, Anna.
I never wantedanyone like this It's all brand new You'll feel it in my kiss I'm crazy for you Bah Bah Bah Bah Ah-ah.
Crazy for you.
We now return to Busy Business Lady Whose Life Is Missing Something But She Doesn't Realize It Because She's So Busy With Business.
No, no, I cannot make that business meeting.
I've got a different business meeting at 3:00, and will be doing business there.
I was wondering if you're free for coffee.
Oh, no, I can't! I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch, after that Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.
Hey, guys, whatis going on? No way!Cool! That thing don'tbite, do it? Guys, say helloto Adrien Beaky.
Pick a lane, bitch.
Isn't that funny? He heard me say that onthe way over in the car.
I gotta pee.
Where's thatSnapple bottle? I had a gayexperience at camp.
We, we had the radio on and they were talking about some goofy stuff So, what are you, whatare you guys drinking? Hey, Peter, you kind oflook like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
A pirate? Ah, cool! You should geta pirate name.
And a peg leg.
And a hook hand.
And you should have sexwith that crossing guard even though she lookedoung andthen I found out she was 12.
I mean, you shouldget an eye patch.
Eye patchwould be cool.
Mom, can we goback to the vet and see the pretty vetassistant again? Well, I guess, if Briangets sick again.
Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick.
Mom, get your keys! Chris, I'm not going to the vet.
There's me wench! Peter, what the hellare you doing? That's Long John Peterto you, Porthole.
Fetch me five tankards of ale, and a leg of mutton for me maties! Who the hell are those guys? Just a few sea dogs frommy fishin' boat days.
I don't care who theyare, they stink! Get 'em out of here! They stink of good cheer, Lois! After we've had our fillof bread and wine, we shall tell talesof other times we had our fillof bread and wine.
God, this is a more disturbingsight than Tom Hanks and E.
in Philadelphia.
Ouch There you go, you're good.
You didn't touch me.
I don't wanna get AIDS.
Kristallnacht! 'Tis Long John Peter and hismerry men come seeking plunder.
All your Tuck'sMedicated Pads be ours.
Aah! Oh, my God! For no reason I'm going to fireth is cannon all over your store.
Terrible pharmacy toys.
We'll see to it that no childever receives these as at-minute gift hastilybought on the way to the party.
Dear me, it's almost 3:00.
I've got to get this shipment ofsugarcane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end.
That car is coming upawfully fast, but at least it's flyingthe British flag.
Oh no.
No doubt they're after mysugarcane, tobacco and spices.
Well, Shelley Boothbishopisn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.
Prepare to be boarded.
You'll never take my cargo.
Load the cannon.
All clear, sir.
Shoot it again.
What? I didn'tunderstand that.
I said "shoot it again,"but I said it pirate-like.
Well done, you barnacle-munchingscallywiggers.
Sir, we've got a man down.
Oh my God! Adrien Beaky.
Say something.
Shoot me.
Oh, God, this is my fault.
I did this.
I've screwed up worsethan Disney did when they cast Michael J.
Fox inthat Zorro remake Who was that masked manwho saved us? I don't know,but he left his insignia.
Give it to mestraight, Dr.
Is he gonna live? Mr.
Griffin, I'm afraidyour parro dead.
No! Did he at least diewith dignity? Well, he convulsed a lot andfell off the operating table.
Then he flopped arounda little on the floor, and then a passing nurseaccidentally stepped on him and kicked himinto a puddle of urine.
Which must'vefrightened him, because his bowelsreleased all over himself.
I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry because some of itgot on my thumb, so I threw him against the walland that's where he died.
That's the wayI want to go.
I'm really sorry aboutyour dad's parrot.
Oh, that's okay.
He'll get overit pretty quickly then move onto another wacky thing.
Lois, whose pipeorgan is this? My name's Anna.
Um I'm Chris.
Sometimes I have to poopfor a long time.
Now you say something.
You're funny.
But I bet a lot of girlstell you that, huh? Well, the only girl I knowmy sister, and she sucks.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Wow, we're havinga conversation! Listen, I haveto get back to work, but, um, would you maybewant to go out sometime? Yes! Great.
Here's my number.
Awesome! Oh, no, I broke the pipe organ.
Hey, look, the deedto a cattle ranch.
So, um how do you likeworking at the vet? Oh, it is so rewarding.
Ever since I wasa little girl, I have loved workingwith animals.
Did you ever make itwith one of the dogs? What?! I mean, uh, did youenjoy your appetizer? It hasn't come yet.
Oh, um, I mean, did you evermake it with one of the dogs? No! Stupid! Chris, just relax.
Um, okay.
You know, Anna,when I first saw you, I thought you were the mostbeautiful girl in the world, and now all I want to do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like wh y see, or thatyou'll see my scrotum, and see that it hasa seam on it, and then you'll think I'mmade up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's whatI think happened, and Chris, I like you.
You don't haveto try so hard.
I'm sorry.
When I'm arounda pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kidwatching a toy commercial.
Kids! Kids! Kids! Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it! ALL: Yeah! Toss it! Awesome!Awesome! Swim it! Aw!Aw! Eat it! Whoa!Whoa! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids?! Kids?! It's so awesome! I want it! Hey, fellas! Um, I havea question.
I went on a date with thisgirl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could askyou a few questions about the birdsand the bees? Ah, my boy wantsto know about sex.
Came to the right place.
Chris, what you alwayswant to remember is that sex isperfectly natural Whoa, uh, uh,sorry, Mr.
Um, I wasn't reallytalking to you.
Chris, I knowa lot about sex.
Yeah, and I'm sure youhave fond memories, but I was kind ofhoping to get some advice from someone who isn't brokenfrom the waist down.
I'm a father! You're a two-wheeledmonster! That's going to bemy ring tone.
Quagmire, call me.
Well, I have to getto work, Chris.
I have tons and tonsof dogs to incinerate, but I can't wait to seeyou tomorrow night.
Oh, God, I'mso sorry.
I'll cleanthat up.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
I'll get it.
Have fun at work! Okay.
Bye, Chris.
What do you think you're doing?What? You, a man, arecleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman, that she, also a woman, spilled on you, a man.
So? You're treating herlike a human being.
If you want to getanywhere with a chick, you can't treat 'emtoo nice-like.
Really?Trust me, Chris.
The next time yousee this girl, treat her like crap, and you'll be cooler than a mid-'80s noveltyanswering machine message.
MAN I'm glad you called, but I'm not home But I'll be back before too long You gotta wait for the beep, you gotta leave your name You gotta leave your number Wait for the beep.
It's me again! I just had to hear i one more time! Chris, is everything okay? You seem a little, I don't know, quiet tonight.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Uh, yes, can I have two tickets: one man and one bitchthat needs to do what I say.
What? That's notfunny, Chris.
Here's your ticket.
Pick that up! Chris, why are youacting like this? Pick that up and cook it into something delicious or knit it into somethingthat's useful to me! Um, are you readyto make out now? Why in the world wouldI want to do that after what you just said? You're obviously not theperson I thought you were! I never wantto see you again! I can't believe I thoughtyou were special! Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do? Hey, Chris!Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him.
We had sex.
We sex!We had what Joe calls sex.
Chris, honey,what's wrong? Anna took a dump on me.
What?! Yeah, she broke up with me.
Oh-ho, she dumped you.
That's whatyou meant to say.
What's the difference? Well, what you saidfirst was Well, I mean, when-whentwo grown-ups love each other very much, sometimesthey show it by Never mind.
So, so, what happened? don't know.
I did everything Dad said.
I should've known Peter had somethingto do with this.
You're notthe first person whose lifehe's screwed up.
Knock, knock.
Nicole? Ronald? Who's ready for Boggle? Oh, my God! No! Why?! Why?! My beautiful Nicole! My man Ronald,who did this? Oh, man, they wereso good together! We were just establishingour friendship.
They were about to get engaged.
Oh, he was going to ask meto be an usher.
I mean, he alreadyhad enough groomsmen, so he made me an usher,but just to think I could be involvedin the ceremony in any way.
You told Chris to actlike a jerk to this girl? Well define "Chris.
" Peter, he's reallyupset right now.
I mean, he caredabout this girl a lot.
Can't you seewhat you've done? I don't know, I mean,I thought I was helping.
But you may be right.
'Cause now Chris isall sad and crying and fat and bad at sports.
Well, you created this mess, and you have to help him fix it.
Man, parenting is more complicated than making a 1940s phone call.
Hello, operator? Crestview 4162, please.
One moment, please.
Hello? - Hello? - Hello? Well, what do you know about that? Hey, Chris, it's me.
- I got something for you here.
- What is it? I caught you a bullfrog outside.
Poked some holes in its back so it can breathe.
See, look at this- oh, boy.
All right, hang on, hang on.
I'm never going to be happy again.
I know how you feel, son, but you can't give up now.
Now, let's get out there and meet some ladies, eh? But I don't want to date anyone else.
I want Anna.
Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years.
If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.
Peter Griffin! All right, Chris, have a seat.
Your date'll be here any minute.
In fact, I think she'll be coming through that door.
Hey, Chris.
I'm Betty.
Sorry I'm late.
Your dad told me all about you.
You sound like a swell fella.
Uh Thanks.
So where are you from? I'm from the rich part of town, so you know I'm a good egg.
But I'm more interested in you.
- Did you finish your homework today? - What? You know, your dad's got a birthday coming up.
Have you given any thought to what you might be getting him? How do you know when my dad's birthday is? Well, that.
It doesn't matter.
What are you getting your dad for his birthday? I don't know.
A tie.
Ooh! I don't know if he would want one of those.
I think he's got enough ties.
I think he might Chris, I don'twant a tie! Pick something else! Chris, this is Barbara, the girl from your class you used to have a crush on.
Now, you kids enjoy yourselves, and I'll create some atmosphere.
This is a favorite by Men At Work.
Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai.
I don't understand, Chris.
Your blind date should be here by now.
She answered the ad.
So, still no luck on the girl front, huh? I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him, but nothing seems to be working.
Well, I know I asked him to help, but it occurs to me that you've been taking advice from everyone except the one person who matters.
What do you want, Chris? All I want is to go out with Anna again.
Then you just need to go talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel.
But she said she never wants to see me again.
Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet.
Is there anymore coffee? Anna, I'm here with my dog.
He's not feeling well.
**** you.
Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet? Anna, to be honest, I came here 'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.
That's not who I am.
Oh, yeah, no, no, no.
Yeah, no, you'reyou're a cool guy.
Brian, shut up! Look, I was just really nervous 'cause I've never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.
You know, you really hurt me, Chris.
I know.
I was wrong.
I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna.
Just give me another chance.
Gosh! He doesn't look so good.
I know.
But you do.
You know, I get off at 4:00.
I might just be up for a movie.
Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.