Family Guy s07e02 Episode Script

I Dream of Jesus

You know, kids, there's a lot of history here.
These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s.
Am I gonna enjoy this meal.
Not like last night.
I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived.
Do I have time? You know what, I'm gonna go for it.
Son of a bitch! I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that.
Hey, guys.
How are you? Look at this place.
They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore.
"Hamburgers, french fries, Cokes.
" You kids don't know what I'm talking about.
I love how all the servers look like celebrities from the '50s.
Marilyn Monroe Elvis.
And look, there's James Dean after the accident.
Let me tell you about tonight's specials.
Oh, look.
Cleveland finally made it.
Oh, hey there, Griffins.
Oh, that takes me back.
Hey, what are you, a robot? Oh, no, son.
It's the 1950s, and I have polio.
Wow, I never heard of that before.
Oh, yeah, Chris.
Polio back then was like AIDS today.
Except people who have polio get into heaven.
Oh, my God.
This is "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen.
This is my favorite song of all time.
A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird's the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird B- Bird's the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird's the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word Chris, don't you know about the bird? Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word Lady on the toilet The bird is the word Hey, don't you know about the bird? Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A- well-a bird Again.
I love repetition.
Hey, what's the big idea? This song's from the 1960s.
It shouldn't be in this jukebox.
Can I have that record? I love that song.
I'll let you have sex with my daughter.
I don't know.
Let's see your daughter.
She's right there.
I'll do her.
But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop? I think that can be arranged.
Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it since we got home.
No way, Lois.
It's my new favorite thing in the world.
Lois, I'm gonna ask you this only once.
Do you or do you not know about the bird? - Oh, God.
Everybody's heard that the bird is the word.
A- bird, bird, bird The bird's the word A- bird, bird, bird The bird is the word - A- bird, bird, bird - Ow! Oh, God.
Look, just go to sleep, all right? A- bird, bird, bird The bird's the word A- bird, bird, bird The bird's the word A- bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A- bird, bird, bird The bird is the word A- bird, bird, bird The bird is the word Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.
Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? Huh.
That's odd.
- I thought that would be big news.
- What would be big news? Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece.
A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
- Heard what? - Don't! A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word Brian, don't you know about the bird? Well, Peter's gonna tell you About the bird A- well-a bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird Surfin ' Oh, my God, Peter.
Are you all right? I was just at the bank and they told me you withdrew $6000 cash from our savings.
That's everything we have.
What the hell was it for? I bought some local TV airtime, Lois.
And I did a public-service announcement of vital importance.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
There's an issue facing many Americans today that concerns a great number of us.
According to Gallup Polls one in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word.
I dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word.
A- bird, bird, bird Bird's the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word My God, is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this.
Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.
Check it again! - Brian? - Yeah? I don't feel so good.
That's it.
We gotta do something.
We have got to get that record and destroy it.
Just like that fat-person surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms.
I look so good.
I lost all this weight.
Taxi! Coming to show the people how good I look.
B- Bird, bird, bird B- Bird, bird, bird Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows That the bird is the word Who did it? - Who did what, Pop? - Yes, Peter, what has you upset? Surfin ' Bird is gone.
I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms.
It's gone.
Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you.
Oh, no one had a motive? You all had a motive.
Every one of you.
You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record.
Meg wanted a passport for her twin sister to get out of the country.
But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin and that Meg was released from the sanitarium.
That's where Chris came in.
So you got it all figured it out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
You won't fire at me, Chris.
You don't got the stomach for it.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Well, it sure is odd.
A record doesn't just get up and walk away.
Except for my old Allan Sherman record.
If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I split.
There's a lot of Jews still get a laugh off of "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah.
" Oh, such heat this morning.
I don't need this jacket.
The hell with you.
I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin ' Bird.
Peter, that's not necessary.
I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.
I wouldn't count on it, Lois.
Do you have Surfin ' Bird by the Trashmen? No, I'm sorry.
A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies.
Damn it.
This is the third used-record store with that same story.
You, uh You look familiar.
Do I know you? - Did you go to North Providence? - No.
You friends with Gary, owns the dry-cleaner's? No.
- Are you Jesus Christ? - No.
Oh, my God.
You are.
- You're Jesus Christ.
- No, I'm not.
I'm just a guy working at a record store.
If you're not Jesus Christ you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs.
- Don't.
- Aha! You are Jesus.
Yes, I am.
Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ, the Messiah.
You've returned.
You've returned to bring us the good word.
What word? A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird B- Bird is the word Jesus Christ has returned to Earth.
I can't believe it.
The Second Coming.
Keep it down.
It's not the Second Coming.
Okay, so, what are you doing here? Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so.
Kind of incognito, just to get away from the family.
Plus the timing seemed good.
My dad quit smoking, and he's a little on edge.
Who took my checkbook? Ellen? Why is there a pen cap and no pen? You're the first person to recognize me in 2000 years.
You seem like a nice guy.
Come over to my house for dinner.
- Okay, but I don't get off until 7.
- Great, we'll have a blast.
We can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
The Last Mimzy.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
The Last Mimzy.
You have selected 300.
If this is the movie you'd like to see, say "yes" now.
- No.
- You have confirmed 300.
Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table.
I still can't get over it.
I'm glad you're all here tonight.
I wanna tell you that one of you will betray me.
No, just kidding.
He's doing that thing he did in the storybook.
So, Jesus, finish that story you were telling.
Oh, all right.
So there I was.
They had just beaten me senseless stuck thorns in my head, nailed me to a piece of wood shoved a sponge full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me.
Then they put me in a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days.
And come Sunday, bam, I rise from the dead.
Okay, that sounds like a nutty weekend.
But I can top it.
So me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort.
We know we'll puke.
But Joe says, "Let's go see Chronicles of Riddick.
" Sat through the whole thing without puking.
Then I get home.
Wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses.
Eh? Peter, one.
Jesus, zero.
If I get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman? I really just wanna stick this up her ass.
I'll be the one to say it.
How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles? Sure.
How about this? - Oh, boy.
- I love you, Jesus.
I love you too, fella.
- Jesus, can you do something for me? - Sure, Peter, what is it? Listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile but there's one person I really want you to meet.
Oh, yeah? Who's that? The American people may have turned against the war.
But I answer to a higher power.
I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.
That's funny, because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here.
I heard what you were saying.
You know nothing of my work.
How you got to be president of anything is totally amazing.
Wouldn't it be great if life were like this? Listen, thanks for coming by tonight and hanging out with us.
You may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man.
Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
I'd forgotten how great it is interacting with people.
I better get some sleep.
I gotta open the store tomorrow.
You don't wanna go back to that store.
You gotta get out there.
Coloring eggs and hiding them for kids.
What, you mean reveal myself? Absolutely.
This world needs you, Jesus.
It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction.
I am so ready to have sex with you.
- Oh, hey, is that my phone? - I don't hear anything.
Is that John Astin? I don't see anyone out there.
Oh, well, now there's so much going on.
You know, you're right, Peter.
It may be time.
But how do we do it? Everyone, may I have your attention, please? I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ.
That's right.
That's Jesus Christ right here.
- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah, right.
These idiots, they're not listening.
You know what, we gotta prove it to them.
Listen, I'm gonna go get some water.
- You're gonna turn it into wine.
- Cool.
Hey, can you get me a Cracked magazine? - Cracked? - Yeah.
Jesus Christ, unbelievable.
All right, I'll be back.
- Oh, crap.
- Don't worry.
I'll get it.
Oh, my God.
It's Jesus.
It's him.
It's Jesus.
And his best pal, Peter.
Oh, wow.
- Fifteen minutes, Mr.
- Wow.
Jesus, can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno? Why is it when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous and when I did, I got suspended for five days? You know, I owe this all to you, Peter.
You gave me the confidence I needed.
Never mind about that.
Just go out there and knock them dead.
- Now, who are you? - Jesus Christ.
- Who are you? - Jesus Christ.
- Who are you? - Jesus Christ! Now go get them.
Well, my thanks again to Dave Coulier.
Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th.
My next guest died for our sins, and it looks like he's back on the scene.
Please welcome from the Bible, Jesus Christ.
Oh, Jesus? - Hey, Jesus, welcome to the show.
- Thanks.
Glad to be here.
What have you been doing since you've been back? You know, just kind of bumming around playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating Pinkberry.
I've been sampling the nightlife here.
I raised River Phoenix from the dead.
We went out to the Viper Room, and he OD'd again.
Jesus Christ, everybody.
We'll be right back with Joss Stone.
Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh.
This guy is gonna be huge.
- We're here for the Paris Hilton party.
- Who are you? - Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
- Never heard of it.
- It's all right, T, they're with me.
- Hey, J.
, what's up? - You guys are good to go.
- Thanks, man.
Wow, a Paris Hilton party.
Oh, this is so cool.
Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'.
Check it out, I have a cool bag too, and it has a dog in it like yours.
Hi, Paris.
I'm Meg.
- I met Larry King.
- Name dropper! Hey, Perez Hilton, how you doing, bitch? - Good, bitch.
How are you, bitch? - Good, bitch.
- What's new, bitch? Cool, bitch.
- Nothing, bitch.
Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.
Who would've thought me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh? I lost my train of thought, but this is really exciting.
I'm having a blast.
- And it's all because of you, Jesus.
- Hey, like I said, you got me here.
Some might say you're my savior.
Me and Jesus Come and hug and squeeze us 'Cause you know that he's A simply Christ-errific dude His eyes are bluish Bright and I-love-you-ish And he's also Jewish But he's not the least bit rude - Peter, my boy - Yes? You're sweet as chocolate cake You bring me joy And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do Me and Jesus What a happy pair Together we're hotter Than walking on water We walk on air - You're a real pal, Jesus.
- I'll tell you this, Peter.
You ain't never had a friend like me.
Me and Jesus Those are words that please us 'Cause we're close as Beezus And Ramona Quimby are My life is sweeter With my new friend Peter You're a Lotus-Eater Now that you're a superstar It used to be I always took the brunt But now you're free And Bush is bombing countries 'Cause I like it Me and Jesus - Friends until we die - Friends until we die, again? Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook.
Everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards.
What's up? What's up? You know what I hate? When you eat an ice-cream cone, and it's cold, and you're all: You're like, " Why didn't you warn me that's so cold?" He's like, "It's ice cream.
" You're like, "Oh, man.
" But chicks don't do that because they use a spoon.
What's up? Su-Fi.
- Is he saying something funny? - I don't know.
But he's moving around a lot, so I guess.
He was on the Internet, and I'm in college.
Now to present the award for sickest on-screen gangsta pimp-out business Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls.
Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus.
Hey, it's a pleasure to be here with you six interchangeable women.
Last time I was down here on Earth, I only hung around with one whore.
Come on, guys.
Let's head over to my crib.
Hey, you mind scooting over a little bit? Ooh, sorry.
Doesn't look like there's any room.
What? What do you mean? There's only one space left, and I promised it to that cow.
This is gonna be fun.
I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go, "Whoo! I'm in Hollywood.
" Whoo! I'm in Hollywood! See? I said I'd do it.
Put that thing away.
We're trying to eat dinner.
I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called.
I left him a message four hours ago.
Maybe he doesn't have his phone.
No, it rang twice, and then the voicemail picked up.
If it had gone straight to voicemail, the phone was off.
If it rang six times, that means he didn't hear it.
But it rang twice, Lois.
That means the phone rang, he saw it was me he pressed a button and sent it to voicemail.
You know what, give me your phone.
I bet he'll pick up.
Hey, hey, Lois.
Hey, you, it's Peter.
We were supposed to do something today.
Uh, I forgot to tell you.
I have a doctor's appointment today.
I'm actually there now.
Hey, look.
Lindsay Lohan just took her top off.
Hey, I just drank a beer.
Who wants to do me? I do.
Me too.
I just did you, but I'll go again I gotta go.
Can you believe the way Jesus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.
Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter.
I'm sure deep down, he's still the same old Jesus.
He may need to figure that out in his own way.
But one thing's for sure, Lois.
None of this would have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin ' Bird record.
Tonight's top story.
Local record-shop employee Jesus Christ was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment face down and unconscious.
Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars.
" Brian, you think that's our Jesus? Griffin residence, Peter speaking.
Oh, yeah? Why should I? Well, get someone else to bail you out because it ain't gonna be me.
Well, what are you gonna do about it? All right, I'm coming.
Jesus Christ, look at you.
You had it all: Money, fame, eternal life.
The perfect hand for masturbating.
And you blew it.
You let it all go to your head.
I know, Peter.
I guess it turns out I'm just as human as anyone else.
Yeah? Well, what do we do now? You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go.
This world's not ready for me yet.
And I'm not ready for it.
I don't know, maybe I'll try coming back in another thousand years when I'm more mature.
Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there.
I think you're on your way.
Well, before I go, Peter, there's something I wanna give you.
Hold out your hands.
Well, I guess that's it then.
Jesus is gone.
- I sure am gonna miss him.
- Me too.
He did give me something before he disappeared.
- What? - Something very special, Lois.
What is it, Dad? - What? You haven't heard? - Fuck! A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word A- well-a bird, bird, bird B- Bird is the word