Family Guy s07e04 Episode Script

Baby Not on Board

You guys are gonna love this spa.
They give the best massages.
Your whole bodies will feel like Joe's legs.
- Wow.
- That would be nice for a short period.
I tell you, I need this.
I've had a really stressful morning.
Wait a minute.
Doc, are you telling me that it's 8:25? Precisely.
- Damn.
I'm late for school.
Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table.
- I'll give you a minute.
- Uh, what am I supposed? - You ready in there? Yup.
Oh, ha, ha.
You put some fake poo on the floor.
Oh, no.
Get out.
Get out.
Scat.
Ah.
This is more like it.
- Is the music okay? - Actually would you mind tuning it to 97.
1? You're listening to The Quiet Storm.
Up next, the music of The Isleys Teddy Pendergrass, and right now, here's some Marvin Gaye.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
Oh, this is long overdue.
There's nothing like a good suit massage.
Focus on the lapels.
That's where I carry most of my stress.
Okay, here's one.
If you were gay and you had to have sex with either John Forsythe or Sean Connery, who would it be? Oh, that's easy.
John Forsythe.
- Yeah, John Forsythe.
- John Forsythe, absolutely.
It's funny, I'd also say John Forsythe.
I was just curious.
Yeah, I mean, Sean Connery is just so Uh-oh.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
It's too late.
The damage is done.
Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? The boxed set of Lord of the Rings.
- It's awesome.
- Yeah.
Remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the third one? - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Why didn't they fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending three movies walking there? That's not what it's about, Chris.
It's about the quest.
I'm not arguing.
I'm saying there's a hole in the story.
- Did you like the movie? - That's not the point.
- Did you like the movie? - Of course, I loved the movie.
But look I'm no writer.
But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it someone would have caught it.
So you didn't like the eagle? Well, no, I did, the eagle was majestic and beautiful but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
Oh.
- Have you ever seen Krull? - No.
Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
The best thing you can do for your body after a massage is hot coffee, alcohol and Slim Jims.
Oh, Dad, I'm glad you're here.
There's something I need to ask you.
- What is it, Chris? - Well, um today in gym class, I noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body, and it hasn't come back out yet.
And I'm a little scared.
Sir, this employee just made a sexual remark to me.
No, Dad, I'm really worried.
See, look.
Is that normal? Ah, ah.
Sir.
Sir, your employee is exposing himself to me.
- But, Dad.
- You got a lawsuit on your hands.
Okay, look, look.
If you'd be willing to forget this happened, I'll give you this gas card.
Unlimited free gas for a year.
Just because I threatened to sue you? That, and you're not the worst-looking guy who's ever come in here.
That's what I wanted to hear.
Wow, Peter.
A free gas card.
This could save us a lot of money.
Yeah, everyone except Brian because he bought a Prius.
What a dumb-ass.
What? What did I miss? Are we laughing at Brian? Ah, Brian, you suck.
What the devil is in here? I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie.
We're a gas family now.
You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle? You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman.
Help! Somebody help! Rape! Scream all you want.
Nobody can hear you out here.
I can.
Aquaman, help! Hey.
Hey.
Hey, let her go.
Or what? Or Or I don't know, man, but you're You're lucky you're not doing that over here in the ocean or else Or I would stop you.
For God's sakes, help! Do something! If you don't like starfish, you're gonna be mad about what I just did.
Oh, God! Help! Oh, you're in for it now, buddy.
I got, like, five fish coming to help.
Oh, oh, here they are.
Help! He's hurting me! Maybe you shouldn't have led him on.
Peter, what the hell is that? It's a space shuttle, Lois.
I figured with unlimited free gas, I could afford to go into space.
Why is it every time I open this door you seem to be in some vehicle you've inexplicably acquired? I got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing.
They were gonna scrap it because there's some problem.
Instead they sold it to me.
Simple explanation.
I do not want you trying to fly that.
You're not even a trained astronaut.
Relax, Lois, nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles.
Now, stand back.
I'm back from space, everybody.
You got lucky, Peter.
- How was it, Dad? - Oh, mind-boggling, Chris.
Barreling around the earth at five miles per second.
Watching the sun rise over the Sea of Japan, it's indescribable.
I had lots of time to masturbate, which in space, is great.
Except, it's like living in a snow globe.
Peter, instead of wasting your gas on a series of comedic stunts why don't you use it more constructively? I mean, we could take a family vacation.
Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom.
Maybe we can go to the island from Lost.
No, I don't want to listen to Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.
Kate, you don't get it.
We are the island.
Hand me that paper bag.
Jack, that's got my poop in it.
I know.
I know.
It's got a hint of coconut in it.
And something else.
But that's part of the mystery.
Everybody up, we're going on vacation.
Car leaves at 6 a.
m.
Sharp.
Oh, fuck! You blow that fucking horn again, I swear to God I will ram that fucking thing up your goddamn ass! All aboard for the Grand Canyon.
Oh, I know you're tired, Stewie but you can sleep all you want in the car.
Oh, 6 a.
m.
I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to Persian radio.
Hey, that was Roxette with "You've Got the Look.
" It's 21:00 and still 27 centigrade out there.
Oh, that's hot.
If you're cruising along the left side of the road at 120 kilometers per hour in the Shahabi Desert turn up the decibels because it's Shaleb Mami with Zahec Malec on 103.
2, the Hoch.
What's with all those birds? My tropical bird collection.
- Just in case.
- Just in case, what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds.
Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois.
Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman.
Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car.
Oh, well, then I guess we're not going on vacation.
Good, then I'm going back to bed.
All right, Peter, you can bring the stupid birds.
Yay.
You're letting me be myself.
All right, everybody, lets go.
All right, everybody, off we go.
We are gonna have such a great time - Hello.
Hey, Peter.
What's up? Hey, Quagmire.
Just taking the family on vacation.
That's good.
Hang on.
I'm stuck behind some fat ass driving too slow.
Come on, stupid.
Move it.
Hang on, Quagmire.
Some jerk behind me is honking his horn.
Oh, you should flip him off.
Hang on.
Some fat ass flipped me off.
Hey, up yours, you jerk.
Hang on, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.
I'll call you after the fight.
Me too.
Good luck in yours.
Good luck in yours.
Lois.
I'm awake, Lois.
Lois! Lois? Where the devil is everyone? This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.
Just waiting for my breakfast.
Lois! I know how to get her attention.
Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda.
Better come stop me.
Mmm.
That must be the sugar.
Oh, God, that's good.
Rupert, suddenly I want to run.
Chase me.
Oh, now I'm sad.
Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie.
- Would you? - He's fine.
Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song? That was good.
That was good.
Chris, you were a little early at the start of bar four.
- How did that sound from your end? - Sounded great.
You want another? - Lf that works, we're fine.
- All good on my end.
All right.
That's a take.
There's no sign of them anywhere.
Meg.
Chris.
Brian.
They're gone.
I'm all alone.
I can do whatever I want.
Heh, heh, I'm gonna take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart.
" "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other.
Fart both knew that with love fart truth fart courage they would both emerge st-farting on their feet.
" That one didn't work.
Let's see what fascinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away.
Ooh, Hustler magazine.
I finally get to see what a vagina looks Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You can't hurt anyone anymore.
Why New York? I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon.
Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects.
Ground Zero.
So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
- Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this? - No.
- The Iraqi Army? - No.
- Some guys from Iraq? - No.
That lady who visited Iraq one time? Iraq had nothing to do with this.
It was Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
So you're saying we need to invade Iran? Wake up, Stewie.
Let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper.
Oh, my God.
Peter, Stewie's not in the car.
Oh, my God, We must've left him at home.
Oh, my God.
That is hilarious.
He is probably freaking out.
God, I would give anything to see his face right now.
He's probably all like Where? Where the deuce is everyone? I can't really do a good Stewie.
Oh, my God.
What kind of a mother am I? Peter, we gotta go home right now.
Great, Lois, now we gotta bail on the whole vacation.
This sucks.
Now every time I come back to this place it's gonna be associated with one particular bad memory.
We could call Quagmire and Cleveland.
They can go and check on Stewie.
They'd look after him till we got home.
Well, okay, I guess so.
Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.
Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams.
Huh.
Everybody's lying around in here.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
What am I, in Congress? Ha-ha.
See, laughter is the best medicine.
Please, sir, I'm in so much pain.
Shut up and listen to my material.
Huh, what's this? Bedpan.
Peter Pan.
Next stop is Neverland.
Come, Wendy, fly with me.
Ha-ha.
Hmm.
I've never executed a diaper change before.
How hard can it be? You just unfasten these things.
Then lay back with your legs in the air and let nature do the rest.
Hmm.
It's still there.
Usually, the doody has disappeared by now, but it hasn't.
It's just sitting there like Joseph on his wedding night.
Happiest night of my life, honey.
Really memorable.
- Almost done in there, God? Shut up.
Intruders.
Stewie, you in there? You think he's here? Oh, God.
It's Cleveland and Bob Hope.
The damage is done.
Better get them out of here.
I'll shackle them in the basement with a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV Help channel.
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- Now we've learned the basics - This may be messed up.
But am I the only one getting a boner right now? Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn? People who use "rubbish" when they mean garbage.
- Really? - Yup, not even a wiggle down there.
Your shows will appear on my playlist.
Peter, it's been eight hours and I haven't heard back from Cleveland or Quagmire.
I even tried Joe.
This is my wheelchair.
There are many like it.
But this one is mine.
Without me, my wheelchair is useless.
Without my wheelchair, I am useless.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
Oh, this sucks.
I wanna see the Grand Canyon.
I'm sorry, but we are not leaving Stewie by himself.
We're going home.
No way, those guys have a TV in their car.
Heh, heh.
They're watching Operation: Dumbo Screw with Don Knotts.
You've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct.
You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing? Well, this is a job that's not worth the money.
Peter, watch the road.
Lois, get off my back.
I'm trying to watch TV.
I swear to God, I think your head's screwed on backwards.
I mean, do you have any idea Hey, crashie, what are you doing down there? Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else.
Which means I've got to get a job.
Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert.
Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolates.
Oh, I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes.
Remember, they had to take my foot? Look on the bright side.
Now you get your shoes half price.
Ha, ha, ha.
All right, maybe I'll have one.
Welcome to McBurgertown.
Can I take your order? You've gotta clean the bathroom.
No, no.
I'm not going back in there.
I'm not giving you a choice.
You've gotta go clean that up.
No.
No.
It was literally only on the floor.
There was no attempt to get near the toilet.
It's like they just pressed their buttocks against the wall.
The only part of the floor that didn't have poo was the part that had a baby on it.
- Go! - Peter, did you get the train tickets? - Actually, no, Lois.
There was a guy selling shower curtain rings.
So I bought a bunch.
Peter, that was the last of our cash.
These ones have helium so they are very light.
You are unbelievable.
The last 4 days have been a living hell.
Our baby is at home all by himself.
Yet instead of getting us home, you've managed to make things worse.
A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you.
A monkey would talk less.
Here's a tip.
If your instinct tells you to do something, don't! If your instinct tells you not to do something it's probably the right thing to do.
You wanna hurt me? Go ahead, if it makes you feel any better.
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
I also listen too much.
I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you.
But I don't like to hurt people's feelings.
Well, you think what you want about me.
I'm not changing.
I like I like me.
My kids like me.
My friends like me.
Because I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.
Ha, ha, ha.
Movie references.
Guys, I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck.
Hurry! Oh, thank God.
Let's head home before Stewie gets hurt.
Like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia.
It's good to worship Allah because I used to worship some-ah! Wokka, wokka.
I once knew a guy who was so Arab How Arab was he? Uh, he was so Arab that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all.
Can I see you in my office for a second? - Yeah.
What's up, Eric, everything okay? - Yeah, just come into my office.
Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food.
What? She said she saw you in the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich.
Oh, come on, dude.
Yes, okay.
But the thing was five minutes past the throw-out time.
Well, be that as it may, Shawanda took these pictures on her cell phone.
You're fired.
We're broke, Rupert.
I'm jobless.
There's no food left.
I'm out of diapers.
And I'm down to Meg's last hat.
We're doomed, you know.
Let it be written on my tombstone that my life was considerably better with my family around.
And I didn't realize it until it was too late.
Mommy.
Daddy.
Chris.
Dog.
Brian.
They're home.
Oh, Mommy, thank God, you're home.
Oh, Stewie, my baby.
I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening.
By the way, I disabled the V-chip, and I watched so much porn.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.
No thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire.
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