Family Guy s08e04 Episode Script

Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy One minute to opening, everybody.
Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap? Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete, like white track stars.
On your marks.
Get set.
White guys, go! I have high hopes for this.
I had a Clif Bar before we started.
Everybody else! I thought they were coming after us.
All right, everyone.
All DVDs are a dollar and everything must go.
Come on in.
Please be here.
Please be here.
Oh, sweet mother of God! There you are! I'll watch you with the lights off.
Like I would dare.
- You're getting Dan in Real Life? - What? I heard it's good.
No, I get it.
He's resting his head on pancakes.
It looks hilarious.
The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that, were there a pillow available.
Oh, my God! Road House! - I want to buy this! - Great.
And as a bonus, I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.
- No, thank you.
- No charge.
- I do not want it.
- But it's free, sir.
If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.
Don't worry.
Someday, someone will come and take you home for their very own.
Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby He may be pouring her coffee She may be straightening his tie Help! Somebody! These drunk redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me! Not while my scrotum is pressed up against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.
Road House.
That was awesome, and its message is timeless.
Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem in life can be solved by kicking.
Oh, my God! Brian, you're right.
Peter, I'm joking.
- What did you say to me? - Peter, what are you doing? - Get off my plane! - That's not even the same What the hell? You're not gonna talk to me like that in my bar! It's not a bar Oh, that's right.
Cleveland moved.
- Here's your burger, sir.
- Thank you.
Sir, I need another $1.
Is that right? Keep the change.
Road House.
Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap! - You hear me? - Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! And you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it.
You got that? - Yes.
- Go ahead, Charlie.
And you know what else? I did some checking around.
You're not a licensed therapist.
Road House.
You know, it's still early, Peter.
What do you say we horse around a little, huh? I think I can get on board with that.
Road House.
Peter, for God's sakes! If you're gonna do that, at least aim for my nipples.
Oh, yeah! Road House.
Peter, I don't think you should be driving with your feet.
Road House.
Why are you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.
Road House.
Road House.
Road House.
Road House.
Road House.
- Road House.
- Oh, my God! - Are you all right? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
I wasn't really looking where I was going.
- Probably a little blame on our side, too.
Road House? Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt.
I agree.
But, you know, I sort of have one other problem.
- Maybe you can help me out.
- What's that? I have a dinner reservation for two tonight at Dominic's, and it's just me.
I see your problem.
I think I might be able to help.
Ma'am, you want me to kick those dents out for you? Peter, we've had complaints from all over town.
You're gonna have to stop with the kicking.
Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy spirit friends might have something to say about that.
- Can I help you? - Hi, I'm Brian.
I'm here to pick up Nicole.
Oh, hi.
I'm Rita, her mom.
You must be the one she had that fender bender with.
Well, I got to meet Nicole, so I prefer to think of it as a happy accident.
- Is she ready? - Oh, well Unfortunately, she left for dinner with another guy about half an hour ago.
What? We had a date.
I'm afraid that's Nicole.
She's 21 and gorgeous.
Guys ask her out all the time and I think she loses track.
Oh, for God's sake! Well, let me at least leave my car-insurance information for her.
- Is that your condom? - No! I mean I mean, I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter.
I mean, I wouldn't I would not use a condom on your daughter.
I mean, I would if I was having sex with her, which obviously I would not do.
But if I mean I'm safe and all, you know? I get an AIDS test once every three months.
And not because I You know, it's not because I have a lot of sex.
I just I just eat a lot of poo off the street.
Come to think of it, how did this get in my wallet in the first place? '"Dear Brian, '"somewhere between the point when you're excited enough to want it '"and too excited to care, think about your future.
'"Your friend, Stewie.
'" Well, I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening.
- Sorry to bother you.
- Lf it's any consolation, I would never have stood you up.
Well, I guess that makes you one of the rare ones nowadays.
- Your husband's a lucky guy.
- Divorced.
Well, at the risk of humiliating myself once again, - I still have a reservation.
- Well, I don't have plans.
Well, terrific.
Hey, maybe I'll get to use this after all, huh? I'm just I'm kidding.
Oh, please.
At my age, I don't have to worry about pregnancy.
- How old are you? - Oh, you don't want to know.
- I kind of do.
- Hang on.
Just let me get my purse and we can go.
Wow, she seems great! We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
- You want to smoke some crack? - You want to smoke some crack? - I love you.
- I love you.
Get the fucking crack! Brian, you want some lasagna? No, thanks.
Rita and I grabbed a bite already.
Gosh, you've been seeing this Rita for weeks now and you still haven't brought her over to the house.
When are we gonna meet the lovely lady, huh? Oh, she's being ironic.
What are you saying? I don't date lovely women? Yeah, you got it.
You got it.
It just seems like some of your past girlfriends have been a little dumb and trampy.
First of all, that's not true, and second of all, she's not like that.
She's wonderful.
She's smart.
She's pretty.
And, you know, the only reason I haven't brought her around is that you guys don't always make the best impression with girls I date.
Especially Peter.
Hey, aren't you that chick from the bathroom door? Come on, Peter.
She doesn't want to talk about work.
What's it like in there? I assume it's like how it is in the men's room.
Oh, there's a long trough with a big poo in it? You know, Brian, the past few weeks have been great.
I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun dating somebody.
I can remember the last time I have.
That's the writer in you, Brian.
Did you always know that's what you wanted to do? Well, actually, I really thought I was gonna be an actor at one point.
I even got a few high-profile gigs.
Really? Anything I've seen? Oh, you ever heard of a tiny little independent movie called Die Hard? Wow! You were in that? Sure was.
Hey, what do you say we go back to my place and I'll show it to you? Sounds good to me.
We'll have to be a little quiet.
Everyone's asleep.
Have a seat.
Okay, watch this.
This is my scene.
Doesn't make sense, man.
Hey, don't ask me, man.
I'm just a desk jockey who was on my way home when you rang.
The way you drove that car, I figured you for the street, Al.
In my youth.
In my youth - Okay, here it comes.
We've had situations where the hostages have embraced their captors after their release and even corresponded with them in prison.
No, no.
No, darling.
Asian Dawn.
- Sir? - Yeah? Sir, the FBI is here.
- Oh, the FBI is here now? - Yes, sir.
Right over there.
- Hold this.
- Want a breath mint? Breath mint.
I ad-libbed that line.
Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor.
- Should we go upstairs? - Sounds good to me.
That's right, Shia.
Give me all you've got.
Okay, the coast is clear.
Good morning.
- Oh.
Hey, Lois.
- Who's Who's your friend? - Rita, this is Lois.
Lois, Rita.
- So great to meet you.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Perfect.
Everyone hits it off.
Listen, Rita, why don't you wait in the car? - I'll be out in a minute.
- Okay, sweetie.
Well, you met her.
What do you think? - What? - What do I think? She's 100! Oh, my God! Peter, did you see her? I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here.
Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet? - No! Awesome.
I'll be right down.
Hey, Brian, who are you dating? Jessica Tandy? Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs! What are you guys talking about? She's a beautiful woman.
You know, Lois, you, of all people, should be pleased.
I mean, all the crap I take for dating young bimbos.
How old is she, Brian? What difference does it make? Age has nothing to do with anything.
Okay, you know what? I'll bring her to dinner and you can see for yourself what a bright, fun and charming woman she is.
I'll cook something that's not too binding.
She's not that old.
Old is Malcolm in the Middle in Season 15.
Malcolm, Dad drove the car over your science project.
Oh, brother.
How am I gonna survive junior high school with this screwed-up family? And me, in the middle of it all.
A bunch of brothers living together? What a way to run a railroad.
Well, Rita, I'm so glad you could join us for dinner.
Thanks for having me, Lois.
This food is delicious.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad you can taste it.
Hey, you know what we haven't done for a while? Go around the table and everybody says what year they were born.
So, kids, how was your day? - Well, the sandbox was - It was great! Guess he's going first.
We got a new pencil sharpener in math class! Well, that's nice.
Say, Rita, who was President when you were born? - Great pot roast, Lois.
- Thank you, Brian.
Rita, would you like me to cut yours up a little smaller? Oh, I'm fine.
Boy! Speaking of that, I don't know how many people have asked me today where I was when Martin Luther King was shot.
I'm sure you've been asked.
What do you tell them? Who can forget? I remember just crying like a baby.
Crying like a baby? Or crying like someone in college? Say, Brian, on her answering machine, how long after her message is the beep? Wow.
This has just been a delight.
You can't go yet.
We haven't had dessert.
You know, the first time I had dessert was 36 years ago today.
How about you, Rita? You remember your first dessert? Lord, no! It was so many years ago.
Like 40 years ago? - Peter - What were stagecoaches like? Fifty years ago? Would that be a good guess? - Oh, dear.
- Peter! - How old are you? How old are you? - Fifty! Okay? I'm 50! Happy now? You people are awful! You know, this is what's wrong with society! Nobody bats an eye if a woman dates an older man, but God forbid it's the other way around! There is nothing wrong with me dating Rita.
She's beautiful, she's a charming woman, and I love her! - Rita.
- Oh, Brian, please leave me alone.
They're right.
I'm just an old fool thinking we could be together.
Will you stop that? They're insane.
They don't know what they're talking about.
- You're an amazing woman.
- You're just saying that.
No, I'm not.
The only thing that matters is how I feel about you.
- Rita, I love you.
- I love you, too, Brian.
I think you're the most wonderful woman I've ever met.
- Will you marry me? - What did you just say? Come on.
You're only 50.
You heard me.
Will you marry me? Oh, Brian.
Yes! Yes, Brian, I'll marry you! Hey, Mom.
Hey, Brian.
We'll be upstairs.
- Yo, Rita.
You want in on this? - No, thanks.
We just got engaged.
- I'm faithful to Brian now.
- Whatever.
This ain't even my whole night.
- You're engaged? - Yes.
Rita and I are getting married.
My God! I can't even react big enough.
Here's Mrs.
What? Look, if my happiness means so little to you all that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke, then you really disappoint me.
Look, Brian, I apologize for the other night.
We were all very insensitive.
And if this is what you want, we as a family support your decision.
I don't.
I'd rather you marry a - A Japanese or something.
- I'm with you, too, buddy.
In 20 years, she'll be 70, and you'll have been dead for 15 years.
God bless the both of you.
Hey, it's 4:30.
Isn't there an early-bird special you should be running off to? She's 50, Stewie! She's not an old woman.
Hello? Hey, Rita.
No, I'm not hungry yet.
Well, if we get there by 5:30, I'm sure they'll honor it.
Brian, is she calling dinner "supper"? So, what are you doing this afternoon? "Oh, I'm just sorting out my pills for the week, sweetie.
" Well, you do that and I'll be over a little later.
Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week in that little plastic thing with the seven boxes? Actually, she just got back from the gym and she's jumping in the shower.
- She got a chair in that shower? - Shut up! Have archaeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy.
That one was too wordy.
That was flawed from the ground up.
It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.
Hey, Rita? - Yeah? Where do you keep your toothpaste? - What are you looking for? Tooth polish? - Toothpaste, yeah.
- Just use the baking soda.
- Baking soda? What the hell, I can skip a night.
Oh, I've never noticed this picture before.
Is that you when you were a little girl? Oh, yeah.
That's the summer my family went to DC.
That flag's missing some stars, there.
Why don't you come to bed, Brian? What do you say we make a little whoopee? Yeah, sure.
Why not? You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I? No, I'm fine.
What are you talking about? I just want to make sure you're comfortable.
- I love you, Brian.
Sock it to me! - What? - What's wrong? - Oh, nothing.
When I'm on my back, sometimes my breast can slide in my armpit.
- Just got pinched, that's all.
- Okay.
- Was that your boob? - God, no! I think I broke my hip.
Oh, my God, what should I do? Call the number on my bracelet.
It says "Murray Hill 4185.
" That's not enough numbers! That's the number, Brian.
Just dial 0 and read it to Sarah.
Jesus Christ! She's fine.
She's out of surgery and she's resting.
Well, how did she break it? Did she fall? Yes, she fell.
You know, Brian, a woman her age comes in here, they don't always leave.
Peter, she's gonna be okay.
Listen, Brian, you say the word and I'll go in there with a pillow and you won't have any more problems.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm sticking by this woman? - I love her! - Careful, Brian.
Sometimes the things you love can disappoint you.
Like that Playboy issue.
Here we go.
'"Playboy's Women of the Olympics.
" Wow, those are some broad shoulders.
Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimming.
Not sure I like chiseled quads so close to a vagina.
Those are balls.
Brian? Brian! Oh.
Is the soup ready? - Yeah.
Got it right here.
- Oh, good.
I need to take my pills.
It's been three hours.
You know, they warned me these blue ones were gonna make me constipated.
- Right they were.
- Okay.
- I am plugged up.
- No, I got it.
Do it, Brian.
Do it.
It's me as a pillow.
You know what, Brian? I could really use some milk of magnesia.
Well, I'll go pick some up.
Thanks, Brian.
I love you.
And if you're going out, get some milk of magnesia.
You just said that.
I am plugged up.
- Wow, you are really pretty! - Thanks.
- You know, I wrote a book.
- What's that? - It's like a long magazine.
- Huh? It's like the Internet made out of a tree.
You want to have sex in the bathroom? Oh, gosh! What a treat! Yes.
I would like that.
Boy, that took you a long time! Did you have to wait for the streetcar? Look, Rita.
I have a confession to make.
I met a girl, I had a couple of drinks - and I slept with her.
- You what? I know.
I feel awful.
It was a terrible thing to do.
I'm so sorry.
It'll never happen again.
But there's an upside.
You see, these past few weeks I've been doubting whether we're compatible.
You know, because of the age difference.
But I realized that that doesn't matter.
What I get from you is what I always wanted, a smart, sexy, real person who I can talk with and share every piece of me with.
I had a moment of weakness today, but, in a way, it's all right because it's taken me to a place where I now realize that you're not too old for me.
Isn't that great? You're not too old for me! You know what, Brian? You're not old enough for me.
- What? - You cheated on me.
That's what happened today.
You can rationalize it any way you want, but to me, all that shows is that you're an immature guy who doesn't realize what a catch I am.
I'm sorry, Brian, but you screwed up.
Now please go.
- But, Rita - Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
- Here? - No, the davenport, the chesterfield.
- On this? - No.
Does that look like a divan to you? - Here? - Leave them on the chifforobe.
You know what? Just take your fucking keys.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
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