Family Guy s08e06 Episode Script

Quagmire's Baby

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy - How's the garage sale going, Quagmire? - Pretty good.
Just clearing some of my stuff out of the basement.
It's amazing what you find when you clean your basement.
Peter, you almost done down there? - Look what I found.
- That's wonderful, Peter.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go do some skywriting.
Hey, look at all these videos Mr.
Quagmire's selling.
Wow! The Best of the World's Wildest Police Chases.
And it even has the one with the Flintstones.
Amazingly, this drunk driver turns left into oncoming traffic.
He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian, who jumps out of the way just in time.
Now the driver can add attempted battery to the charges.
The driver turns right into the parking lot of a drive-in movie theater.
At this point, the dinosaur in the backseat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it.
Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well.
The driver totals the car and makes a run for it, but the pursuing officers are prepared.
Running from the cops? Yabba-dabba-don't! Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you.
Sure, Peter.
That'll be $50.
Fifty bucks? All right, fine.
I'll buy it.
Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks! - They already been shrunk.
- Happy Birthmas.
Peter, you've been fiddling with that ham radio for seven weeks.
Take a shower.
I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing.
So far, the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist.
Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre.
But finally, some good news out of neighboring Kanduzi, as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
And now with sports, here's Framptal Tromwibbler.
From the world of sport, the Contein Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfenclumpers, 70 fluff to 40 flabe.
At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad.
I'm not sure about any of that.
You know, Dad, I saw that movie White Noise, and they said you can use empty radio static to talk to dead people.
You idiot.
Ghosts don't exist.
Wait a second, they might.
Hello, ghosts.
Come in, ghosts.
I am Peter Griffin.
I am your friend.
Don't be shy.
Humphrey Bogart.
Don Knotts.
That kid I was supposed to be watching at the pool.
- Hello? Hello.
- Hello? Who's this? - This is Ronald Reagan.
Ronald Reagan? The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch? Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States.
Oh, my God! Hey, Quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now? Yup.
Brian, will you take me down to babyGap? I want to dress like a small douche.
- No.
Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday.
- But you said you'd do it today.
I'm kind of tired.
For God's sake.
Cancel my Tuesday appointments.
Sure thing, Stewie.
You want me to move it to another day? - No, no.
Just cancel it.
- Okay, will do.
- Who the hell was that? - Hmm? There was another Stewie right there.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately, my schedule's been so packed, I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy to do all my nitpicky, pain-in-the-ass stuff, so I cloned myself.
You You cloned yourself? - What, are you deaf? - What - So he's an exact copy of you? - Well, not exact.
I have to remain superior, so I bred out some of the intelligence, made him sort of a simpleton, you know? I call him Bitch Stewie.
Would you like to meet him? - Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie? - Yeah.
I guess.
Bitch Stewie, come here and meet my friend, Brian.
Hey there, Stewie.
Oh! What's that? You got a friend? I'm always happy to meet one of your friends.
- Dear God.
- How do you do? Pleased to meet you.
- I'm Bitch Stewie.
- He's got quite a grip.
Hey, Bitch Stewie.
Why are there no midget accountants? Because they always come up short.
Another good one, Stewie.
I don't know where you come up with them.
Isn't he wonderful? And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste.
Watch this.
It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s.
- Steak and donut sandwich, please.
- You want cigarettes on that sandwich? What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes.
Okay, next up on the stage, let's have a big karaoke welcome for Peter and Ron! Okay, this is one of our favorites.
Hope it's one of yours.
Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart You take the weight off of me Oh, honey, when I knock on your door Oh, I give you my Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize somebody was in here What the hell? - Oh, hello, Brian.
- Oh, there's your friend, Brian.
Hey, Brian.
I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day.
I'm just making sure Stewie is nice and clean for his trip to the playground this afternoon.
We had a little bit of a problem earlier because Bitch Stewie was stooling in the tub, wasn't he? I did some poos.
I did some poos.
I didn't mean to.
But we've rectified that now and everything's fine.
This is really weird.
I mean, it's one thing to have him help you out with a busy schedule.
It's another thing to let him wash your back.
Well, he does more than that, Brian.
Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard.
Look at me.
I'm George Bernard Shaw.
That's awful funny, Stewie.
I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is, but you look like an old Stewie, Stewie.
Enjoy your weird bath.
I told him I did the poos even though you did the poos, Stewie.
Did I do good, Stewie? That was very correct of you, Bitch Stewie.
You're a good helper.
And what a lot of people don't know is that I was Jane Wyman's first.
You might say I broke her Jane Wyman.
- Reagan is a delight.
- He sure is.
And you know what else? The ghost of Reagan is gonna be the new fourth guy in our group.
I'm all for that! What other stories you got, Reagan? Well, I remember the time I invited Ed Sullivan to the White House.
He sounded a little something like this.
Hey, Ron.
Tonight, we got a really big show.
- Reagan does impressions.
That's right.
And you know who else does impressions? Rich Little.
In fact, you ought to go see his show at the Mohegan Sun casino next Saturday at 3:00 p.
And 5:00 p.
Wait a second.
- Yeah, no shit.
- What? Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan.
That's Rich Little.
You're Rich Little! He must be on his own ham radio.
Well, you know, Ed, the kids say you got to go viral to promote yourself these days.
So, this is not Reagan? No, it's Rich Little.
He's an impressionist.
He's been screwing with your head.
Well, this thing is worthless.
Like my Palestinian alarm clock.
Allahu Akbar! - Hey, Peter.
What's up? - Hey, Quagmire.
Listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio.
Whoa, whoa, slow down there, partner.
All sales are final.
Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale.
- What? - I just saw that word somewhere.
I wanted to use it.
Look, Peter, why don't you just go home before you get hurt? Well, I'm clearly not the only one who was dissatisfied with his purchase.
Whoever bought that baby from you obviously didn't want it.
A baby? I didn't sell a baby.
Look, there's a note.
"Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom, jerk.
" - Oh, my God! - Wait.
Now, hang on, Quagmire.
- There's no guarantee it's your baby.
- Giggity.
Oh, I say that.
Well, the DNA test results are back.
This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire.
What am I supposed to do? I don't want a baby.
Look, somebody's got to take this kid off my hands.
I can't be a father.
Well, Glenn, you don't have a choice.
This baby is your responsibility.
Now, I brought you a basket of things to get you started.
There's baby clothes, some toys, and some books.
Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street.
Hey, what's going on? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you.
There's some frozen steaks in the freezer.
Bathroom's down the hall to the right.
If you ever come home and there's a tie on the door, it means I'm frogging someone, so give me at least a couple hours.
You smoke? Stewie, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Bobby Stalling's birthday party.
I hate that kid.
And I hate children's birthday parties.
I sent Bitch Stewie in my place.
What a great little party, Janet.
You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much.
Oh, no.
It's not on his tail.
It's on his face.
I've ruined it.
Oh, no.
Well, that's okay, though.
Somebody else will come along and get it right.
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie.
I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
I've never been to a party before.
Want to watch me blow out the candles? I would love to see that.
And gosh, Bobby, I'd love to play with some of your birthday toys, but only after you've played with them and only if you say it's okay.
You know, Stewie, I've got to say that clone of yours has come in pretty handy.
It's a lifesaver, Brian, I'll tell you.
I don't suppose you'd consider making one of those for me, would you? Maybe.
What would you be willing to do for me? What do you want? Take your index finger and your thumb - and lightly grip the base of your tail.
- What? Lightly grip the base of your tail with your index finger and your thumb, and then slide your fingers up the length of your tail to the tip.
- Why? - Because that's what I asked you to do.
That's kind of weird.
Is this some kind of sexual thing? Nobody said anything about sexual.
There's nothing sexual about it.
I'm just asking you to perform a simple task.
Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail.
- You mean stroke it? - Nobody used that word.
This is not a stroking motion.
This is a completely nonsexual thing I am asking you to do in a completely nonsexual way.
Squeeze the base of the tail lightly with your thumb and index finger.
And then, while continuing to squeeze, run them up the length of your tail to the tip, and I'll make you a clone.
- I only have to do it once? - I'll tell you when to stop.
I don't know why you're stopping.
Nobody told you to stop.
Give me a little smile.
Your lips look a little dry.
Why don't you wet them a little bit? My God, you're so weird! All right, I'll make you a clone, buddy.
She's a beautiful little girl, Glenn.
Have you given her a name yet? Yeah, I named her Anna Lee, but I'm probably just gonna call her Annal for short.
- That's funny.
- Thank you.
Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff.
What's that big tarp over there? That was Chris's blankie from when he was a baby.
He was a big kid.
Almost split Lois in half coming out of her.
It's true.
I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs.
Oh, yeah, he dragged half of Lois right out with him.
Yeah, the doctor said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.
Anyway, isn't this a beautiful little girl? Yeah, but she kind of stinks.
Well, no wonder.
She's pooped herself.
- Ew! It's new car smell.
- What? That's what a new car smells like.
It's disgusting.
Where are you buying your cars, Quagmire? I buy them online at poopcars.
Okay, well, I think I just solved the mystery.
Oh, there you are, Brian.
All right, you ready to meet your clone? Am I ever.
I've got a to-do list three pages long for him.
Now, I want to qualify this by reminding you that as with my clone, the intelligence level is reduced a bit.
That's good.
We don't want him thinking too much.
Yeah, well, I might have dialed yours back a little more than I ought to have.
- What do you mean? - Brian, meet Bitch Brian.
Hi, Brian.
You got some stuff you want me to do for you? Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's kind of what I said, too.
You know, I'll be honest with you, Brian.
Here's what happened.
I didn't really want to do the work, so Bitch Stewie sort of did it.
Hey, Stewie.
How'd the clone turn out? Brian, I can't go to the bathroom by myself.
Will you please help me? But I'm good at other stuff.
- Hello, Candy.
- Hi, Glenn.
Come on in.
- So, how long you been in beauty school? - Two months.
Well, tonight we're doing facials.
Oh, God.
Hang on a second.
Okay, okay, stop.
Just stop crying.
Stop crying, Anna Lee.
No wonder.
You dropped your pacifier.
- You have a baby? - Yeah, it's a long story.
Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks.
Now, where were we? Giggity Giggity Glenn, you fell asleep, so I took off.
It's probably for the best.
I've never had sex before, and I probably wouldn't have been much good at it.
That's it.
That kid is out of here.
Hey, there's another note.
"Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom " Oh, that's the note from earlier.
I need a file cabinet.
So it's just not working out, me being a father.
And that's why I'm wondering if you and Lois would be willing to adopt the baby.
Oh, boy, Quagmire.
I don't know that we can do that.
We can barely take care of the two we have.
Now, now, this is just a suggestion.
Just throwing it out there.
Have you considered abortion? Peter, I think it's too late for that.
Don't let the press put the scare into you.
Wade v.
Boggs has not been overturned.
Yeah, but you can't really abort a live baby.
Oh, boy, they have got you.
Glenn, Glenn Give her back to God.
Peter, I'm gonna go ahead and move the conversation forward.
Is there any way you guys could take Anna Lee? No, Quagmire.
We got enough kids of our own.
Plus old Brian over there.
Right, buddy? I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid.
You're doing the right thing, Quagmire.
All right, Quagmire, just so you're clear on the law.
Once you give this child up to the adoption agency, you can no longer abort it.
Hello, sir.
Do you wish to put this child up for adoption? Yeah, it's not working out.
I need to get her out of my hair.
Well, we can help you there.
Is it a boy or a girl? It's a girl.
Her name's Anna Lee.
Oh, beautiful name.
Let me take her from you.
Well, go on, Quagmire.
Give her the baby.
I will.
I just Oh.
- She She'll go to a good home, right? - Oh, yes.
She'll be somewhere safe, right? Like, you're not gonna put her with Sand People, right? - You mean, like from Star Wars? - No, no, no, no, no.
Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one.
Okay, thank you.
Did you wash my car like I asked? - No, but I hit it with a rock.
- Okay, thanks.
Brian, I think my jaw is falling off.
Stewie, what is happening to this thing? Oh, yeah.
Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian.
I've been having some trouble with mine, too.
Hey, Stewie.
Everything sounds like rushing water, and I can't stand up so very good.
Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely.
- Hey, Brian, knock-knock.
- Who's there? Whoa! I hope that doesn't happen to me.
He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket.
Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor.
You don't see my ATM card in there, do you? No.
Do you want me to dig around and see if No, fuck it.
It's fine.
This'll be great, Quagmire.
A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby.
Yeah, Peter.
This is great.
I feel like myself again.
I'll tell you, my life was so dominated by that baby.
I'm glad she's gone.
You know, sometimes you just got to make a decision and go with it.
Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement.
- Peter, I don't think - Brian, your objections are duly noted.
Now, hit the gas.
You know that would never work again in a million years.
Don't need it to, Brian.
That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get.
And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap - just like Anna Lee used to do.
- I guess.
And that stripper only has one tooth, just like Anna Lee.
- Quagmire, you feeling okay? - I don't know.
I think I might have made a terrible mistake.
I abandoned my daughter.
Why did I give away my only daughter? Oh, God! He'll be fine.
We shouldn't let this ruin our night.
- Let's just enjoy the strippers.
- I guess.
I just hate the way that one gets so into her work.
You boys have been very naughty.
I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.
Darn it.
Fractions are so hard.
- What did you get for number four? - She said don't share answers! All right, here it is.
625 Maple.
That's the family that adopted Anna Lee.
Hey, wait.
Wait, guys! Well, it's just me and my old nemesis, First Step.
Hey, Joe, what you doing? You out for a walk? I hate this block.
There she is.
There's Anna Lee.
Hang on, Anna Lee.
I'm coming.
It's them.
Look at her.
She looks so happy.
Almost like she belongs there.
They look like a real family.
I can't take her away from this.
What's happening? He's not gonna go through with it.
It's a nice family, and the kid'll be better off here.
Oh, that's sweet! What's the inside of the house look like? Colonial.
Furniture's pretty good.
Possibly imported area rug.
Oh, that's nice! A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending, you know, it's not a bad way to go! Yeah, for the money.
You ready to go, Quagmire? Yeah.
You know, I got to tell you.
I think you did a good thing.
Well, I guess I just realized it's not about me.
This family is what's best for Anna Lee.
This is her home now.
I got to let her go.
I'm proud of you, Quagmire.
Thanks, man.
Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years.
What? Did you really think I was gonna change that much? Good night, everybody! English - US - SDH