Family Guy s08e12 Episode Script

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It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's our family guy Ah, it smells so good out here.
You see, Peter, this is a better way to spend Sunday than what you dragged us to last week.
If I'm starring in a production of Starlight Express, I want my family there.
Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express! Starlight Express.
Ah.
Stewie, look.
A butterfly.
Let's get it.
Uh, Chris, I don't think we should be leaving the trail.
I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day.
Oh.
British guys always capture my butterflies.
Yes, and to add insult to injury, I shall present to you my fanny: Sir Chadwell Heath.
Oh.
Darn it.
Hey, wait a second.
Where are we? Oh, no.
Hey, Chris, do you know your bacne spells "Citibank" in Braille? Great.
You had to chase the butterfly.
Yes, I had to chase the butterfly.
I came out here to observe nature.
What did you come out here for? I came to the woods because I wish to live deliberately and see if I could not learn what it had to teach and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Wow, Stewie, that was beautiful.
- Did you write that? - No.
But can you tell me who did? Log on now.
All right, let's tally up those responses.
Wow.
You know who that is? You know who Thornton? It was Henry David Thoreau.
Do you know who Thornton Mellon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School.
You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know.
You got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.
Please, you gotta help us.
They've been lost for hours.
For God's sake, Stewie's only a baby.
A search party is being organized as we speak but at the moment, I'm the only one on duty.
Oh, my God.
So, uh, you're the only one working these woods, huh? - Yes.
- So there's no other guys like you here? Nope.
It's just me.
And what would be another way for you to say that? I'm by myself.
Maybe a more specific way.
I'm the lone ranger.
Yeah, you said it! Your name wouldn't be Rick, would it? - No, it isn't.
- It's too much to ask, too much to ask.
Stewie, are we gonna die? Hey, hey.
Probably.
I don't wanna die.
- There's so much I have left to do.
- Ahh.
You and me both, man.
You know, Chris, if by some miracle we do manage to get out of here alive I'm gonna finally run for public office again.
I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment.
Harry Truman.
Stupid jerk.
Freaking FDR's ass bitch.
If we get back home alive I'm gonna open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her how much I like her.
I'd like those things for us, Chris.
- What are you doing? - I'm digging a hole.
- Why? - Because I like to sleep on my side.
Our top story: The search for two boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.
That's right, Diane.
Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin.
Here's the update from authorities overseeing the search party's efforts.
We're very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids.
We just wanna urge everyone not to give up hope.
All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses.
Repeat, this is now a recovery effort.
We are officially looking for corpses.
So let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.
Oh, God, this is horrible.
I can't watch any more.
Mom, Daddy, thank you so much for coming over.
- Oh, of course, dear.
- I don't know what to do.
They scoured the area and there's no sign of them.
I can't just sit here doing nothing, but I don't know what I can do.
I'll tell you who could help.
Medium.
Daddy, that's not a real person.
That's a character on a TV show.
Don't you disparage Medium.
Medium works very hard.
I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about psychics who help find people who are lost.
- Really? I saw this thing about this fat woman who sat on her dog and it went up inside her guts.
It's been three days, and I just don't know where else to turn.
- Please, can you help me? - Don't worry, Lois.
The spirit world wants very much to assist you.
Your missing sons will be found.
Oh! Oh! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I can't tell you how reassuring that is.
Ah.
My babies are okay.
- Will you answer one question for me? - Yes.
Thank you so much.
Well, Stewie, I think we're finished.
It sure looks that way.
I'm so hungry.
Me too.
It's been a pleasure serving with you, Chris.
And with you, Stewie.
Jeffrey! Jeffrey, come back.
It's gonna get dark soon! All this drama over a turkey burger? Oh, thank God! Oh, you're not Jeffrey.
You're that missing baby and boy.
Ah! Jeffrey, I found that missing baby and boy.
I don't care.
Mommy! Chris.
Stewie.
My babies.
Oh, I'm so happy you're safe.
I knew they'd find you.
I knew you were okay.
It's just like the psychic said.
Thank you all for your help, everybody.
For definite.
It's like a childhood game of Hide and Find.
You said it, friend.
What do you say for celebration we go dunk our whistles in the trough? - Oh.
We should totally phone Gaspard.
- Oh.
He would love to hear this tale.
Oh, but I only have Happy Gerbitz Day.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh, it is so good to have my boys back home safe and sound.
Thank God for that psychic.
What? The psychic didn't do anything.
Well, she said we were gonna find them and we did.
I always wondered about psychics, but I gotta tell you, I'm a believer now.
I'm gonna go back and see what else she has to say.
Chris and Stewie, you're on the front page of the paper.
Chris, that girl from school sees that picture and you're in.
I'm not really gonna ask her out.
I think that just might have been cocky forest talk.
But you gotta take advantage of this.
Seize your moment.
Like the duck founding father.
Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights.
But I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air.
- All in favor? Aye.
Opposed? The motion carries.
- I don't know about this, Stewie.
- Nonsense.
You're a hero now.
You're in the paper.
She'll be fawning all over you.
- Now, which one is she? - There.
Hi, Chris.
- Wait a minute.
That's the girl? - Yeah.
Isn't she special? That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it.
Uh, there's something up with her, isn't there? - Yeah.
She's got Down syndrome.
- Oh, okay, well, there we go.
She's so sweet.
And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes? The spacing seems a tad off, but individually, they're not awful.
All right, I'm onboard.
Go talk to her.
- Um, hi, Ellen.
- Hi, Chris.
Um, this is my little brother, Stewie.
Ha, ha.
Your head makes me laugh.
I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.
Um, listen, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time.
- Oh, yeah? What? - Well, um, I really like you.
Ha, ha.
And I was wondering if maybe, um, you wanna go out on a date with me.
- You want me to be your girlfriend? - I guess that's what I'm driving at.
Okay.
Pick me up Saturday at 8.
Great.
See you then.
There you go, being confident.
Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation.
If that was me I'm just saying, if that was me they are lucky that was not me.
Because if the circumstances were such as you have described them, but with me in them that's a very different and scary outcome for those involved.
If.
Oh, my God, Brian.
- Oh, my God.
- What is it? What happened? I just went to see my psychic, Estelle, and she told me that Stewie is gonna grow up to be very successful.
Ah! Isn't that great news? You went to that psychic? That's the third time this week.
She's a lifesaver, Brian.
She gives me the confidence to live my life knowing I'm making the right choices.
Wow, and she does all this for free? No, she charges me.
She charges you? Well, that's weird.
Why would you pay her to hear things you wanna hear? - I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian.
- I think you're being sold a bill of goods.
Brian, I don't care what you think.
And for your information there are gonna be some changes around here.
Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie? Because Estelle told me someone in the family was in danger of drowning and that I should take some steps to prevent it.
So from now on, everybody has a bath buddy.
Hey, Meg, watch.
What am I gonna do? I'm really nervous about my date with Ellen tonight.
I mean, I want to impress her, but what if I mess things up? It's just a matter of getting off on the right foot.
First things first.
Let's get you looking sharp.
You've got to look your best tonight You tubby little parasite 'Cause there's a lovely lady And she's waiting for you And though her pretty face may seem A special person's wettest dream Before you get to see it There are things you must do We'll try a tie And boutonniere of yellow Or a rose that shows That you're a classy fellow With the posh panache Of Jefferson at Monticello Busting out a mile with style I know you just can't wait to stare At all that luscious orange hair But, boy, before you touch a single curl You must impress that ultra booming All-consuming, poorly grooming Down syndrome girl On any normal day you reek As if you're on a farting streak Your finger's up your nose And you are dripping with drool But if you want a lady's love You're better off by smelling of A gentleman's cologne Instead of sneakers and stool A squirt, a spurt Of something just for Ellen And you'll see That she will find you so compellin' And she does because The only smell that she'll be smellin' Won't be coming from your bum You wanna take that little whore And spin her on the dancing floor But, boy, before you do a single twirl You must impress that effervescing Self-possessing, no BS-ing Down syndrome girl Her eyes are emerald portals To a secret land of love And they seem to say We'll open just for Chris They shine like sunny weather And they're close enough together That if they should so desire To create a little fire They could reach across her nose And give each other a kiss My boy, between the two of us We'll get you on that shorty bus And then you're gonna Take it for a whirl Now go impress that super-thrilling Wish-fulfilling, Yoo-hoo spilling Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing Gaily singing, ding-a-linging Stupefying, fortifying As of Monday, shoelace-tying Stimulating, titillating Kitty-cat-impersonating Mega-rocking, pillow-talking Just a little crooked-walking Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting For some reason always shouting Fascinating, captivating Happiness and joy-creating Down syndrome girl What the hell? Lois, did you put this muzzle on me while I was sleeping? Sorry.
My psychic warned me you were gonna bite somebody.
I didn't wanna see that happen.
That's it.
This psychic nonsense has gone way too far.
What do you mean, "nonsense"? Lois, there is no such thing as a person who is psychic.
It's tempting to wanna believe in something that brings you comfort.
The reality is you're being totally naive.
Of course you don't believe in psychics.
Your cynicism prevents you from ever being in a receptive state.
I'll prove what I'm saying.
Let me read you your horoscope.
"You have a very strong emotional nature.
" You are riding the crest of a wave of good energy today and ought to be able to get your friends to see how things ought to be.
- You're on the ball and you know it.
" - There you go.
You just proved my point.
That's 100 percent accurate.
Oh, yeah? You're a Sagittarius and I was reading Capricorn.
And that last sentence was a panel from "Doonesbury.
" I hate that strip.
Nothing funny about pictures of the Capitol building and all that writing.
- What's your point? - I'll tell you what.
Meet me at the park later and I'll show you.
And you'll see you're being taken for a ride.
Like a snail on the back of a turtle.
Slow down! I wanna get there, but I wanna get there alive! Okay, Brian, I'm here.
Show me whatever it is you wanna show me.
I'm gonna prove that with minimal training and the right set of buzzwords, anyone can appear to be psychic.
Even a complete boob like Peter.
Watch this.
Excuse me.
I'm psychic, and I'm getting a strong feeling from you.
Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works? Wow.
I used to have a watch that broke.
Just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
My husband died of cancer last year.
Oh, my God.
Awesome.
Okay, I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
My daughter was just in an accident.
- Sweet.
High-five.
- Ah! You're awful.
Don't wanna hear the truth, don't come to the park.
Ahh.
Okay.
Okay, you made your point.
I get it.
Maybe I went a little overboard with the things Estelle told me.
- All right, can we just go home now? - Come on, Peter, let's go.
Brian, I felt something.
Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow.
I think I may have a gift.
- We were just doing a demonstration.
- No, Brian.
This is real.
I believe I am psychic.
My first prediction: I am either gonna fly or ruin that family's picnic.
- Hey.
You've ruined our picnic.
- Psychic.
- Peter, what are you doing? - I'm performing a psychic reading.
Peter, for the last time, you're not psychic.
I most certainly am.
All right, Quagmire, clear your mi Ooh, soft hands.
Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt and I will tell you your future.
What is it, Peter? You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic.
All right.
No, no, not all right.
Well, I'm glad we're finally going out, Ellen.
I've really liked you for a long time.
- What the hell you think you're doing? - Sitting down.
Get up and pull my chair out for me.
Oh, goodness, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
That's better.
You gonna be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.
Oh, um Sorry.
Um, uh, so, what do your parents do? That's better.
My dad's an accountant and my mom is the former governor of Alaska.
- Oh, that's cool.
- It's real cool.
Now, get up, come over here and give me a shoulder massage.
Okay.
Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix.
Do it.
Come on, do it.
Aah! Yes! Yes! Aah! You bitch! Aah! Oh, my God, this is awful.
There's gotta be 200 people here.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank Ah! Hold on.
I'm sensing something psychic.
Did you have a female relative who's passed on to the other side named, um, um - Polly? - Polly.
I said it first.
That was amazing.
I've never seen a bad show at the Marriott.
Oh, my God, they're all falling for this insanity.
I'm sensing a black guy.
Is there a black guy? Me! I'm a black guy.
Ooh.
Yes, good, good.
I'm sensing your infant daughter has earrings.
He's right.
She does.
Wow.
Peter, you gotta stop this right now.
Shut up, Lois.
Don't mess up my psychic-ness.
I'm sensing a doctor in the audience.
Where's the doctor? - I'm a doctor.
- Your great-grandmother is contacting me right now and wants to know if this rash is gonna go away.
Well, I guess I'd tell her to use Bactine.
No.
She says Bactine hurts.
She wants something more soothing.
Peter, we need your help.
We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest.
We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off.
Well, well.
Finally, a true test of my abilities.
You came to the right place, Joe.
I'll psych that guy out for you.
Peter, you can't do this.
It's one thing to take money from a bunch of suckers, but this is serious.
- You're a fraud.
- I am not.
I'll tell you who's a fraud: Mr.
Spock.
- Mr.
Sulu, set a course for - One moment.
They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery.
Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72.
Yes! You're damn right! Hell, yeah! You can suck it.
You can suck it.
You can suck it.
You can all suck me! Live long and suck it! Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight.
- I guess I'll talk to you soon.
- You're not leaving yet.
I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae so get in the house.
Okay, okay.
Uh, unless you're gonna pull a sundae out of your belly button I'd get your ass in the fucking kitchen.
Oh, boy.
My dogs are mooing today.
- No, no, no.
- What's the matter? Did I say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? Did you hear me say, "Put chocolate sauce on there"? - l I just thought that - You thought what? If you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute.
All right, that is it.
I don't care how hot you are.
I don't much like being treated this way.
I used to hear that people with Down syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not.
You're not different.
You're just a bunch of assholes like everyone else.
I got bad news for you, buddy.
You just blew it.
Get out of my house now.
- How'd it go? - Looks like I totally screwed that up.
You didn't.
You made a vow that you were gonna ask Ellen out, and you did.
That took courage, my friend.
Especially for a poor, timid sap like you.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Stewie.
I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her.
She would have crushed your scrote with her robot-strength hand.
Come on, let's get out of here.
All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area.
We don't have much time before the bomb Shh, shh, shh.
When I'm tracking someone it helps to touch something that belongs to the victim.
- Does he have a wife? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
It's still very fuzzy.
Does he have a daughter? Does he have maybe, like, a thinner, hotter daughter? Well, yes, but she's only 12.
Okay, like a young 12, or like a "she eats a lot of milk products so she got her boobs early" 12? Which is real.
- We're running out of time! - We'll try something else.
I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond.
I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello who will guide us to this soul in distress.
Hi, everybody.
It's me, Lou Costello.
What's the name of the guy? - He's an Asian fella.
Melvin Hu.
- That's what I wanna find out.
- The name of the guy.
- Melvin Hu.
- Are you handling this case? - Yeah.
- What's the name of the guy? - Hu.
- The guy who's buried.
With a bomb.
- Hu.
Hu.
- What street's he live on? - First.
Yeah, I'm not psychic.