Family Guy s08e17 Episode Script

Brian & Stewie

Hurry up.
We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close.
Relax.
I'm almost done.
Why do you have a safety-deposit box? What's in there that you can't bury? I have things.
You have a dead bird? What are you gonna do with that? Take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me.
I'm starving.
You wanna grab lunch? I'm Jenny Craiging.
Already paid for the meals.
If I want to return this sweater, we gotta get to Wyndham's by half 6.
- Half 6? - You have to return it within a fortnight.
I love it, but I feel like it was too much.
Cute, right? It's Thom Browne.
It was over $3000.
- You spent $3000 on a sweater? - What's it to you? That's the most idiotic thing I've heard.
You're a moron.
- A pretentious moron.
- Drop dead.
I was returning it anyway.
- Where'd you even get that money? - None of your goddamn business.
You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it.
- I had to ruin it? - Yeah, you.
I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning the sweater.
So you're right.
I guess I am a moron.
You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself.
And you have to go and make me feel foolish.
- Look, I didn't - Save it.
I'll be waiting outside under the porte-cochère.
My own fault for thinking I could have pretty things.
I'm not having fun anymore.
I feel you should know that.
What was that? I don't believe this.
Hello? Hello? We're locked in! Did you? Did you just crap your diaper? I got scared when the door closed.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's our family guy Hey.
Hello? Hello, somebody.
- We're trapped in here! - You're wasting your breath.
These doors close automatically at the end of the workday.
- This won't be open till tomorrow.
- There's gotta be some way out.
Think.
- I don't know.
You think.
- But I have no idea.
You invented a time machine, but you can't get us out? - That's science.
I'm not Houdini.
- We're locked in here until tomorrow.
The only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast.
It took me half an hour to get the thing off the floor.
I'm uncomfortable.
You have to change me.
I'm not changing you.
We don't have diapers.
Oh, my God, that smell is making me sick.
Ugh.
Thank you for making me self-conscious.
I'm not gonna be able to stay like this.
I don't know what you expect me to do about it.
- You don't? - No, I don't.
Stop looking to me like that.
Look, I'm going to propose something and I need you to hear me out.
- Will you promise me you'll do that? - I guess.
- You guess or you will? - Yes, I'll hear you out.
Okay.
Well, I can't be in a soiled diaper until tomorrow, Brian.
We both know that.
I'll get a rash which could lead to an infection.
All right, fine.
I'll take the diaper off.
That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it? - Yes, it does.
- No, it doesn't, though, really.
See, you're not Heh.
You're not really thinking this through.
We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see.
And, of course, you know, then what am I gonna do with no diaper? I'm not gonna walk around here with my Tic Tac hanging out.
I need a clean diaper.
We don't have any clean diapers.
Well, well, no.
I mean, not right now, we don't.
But if the poo were to be removed I'm not following you.
If the poo were to be removed What is that? What are you driving at? - Eat it.
- What? - Eat my poo, Brian.
- You're out of your fucking mind.
You promised you'd hear me out.
Besides, is it that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving.
- And I've seen you eat shit before, Brian.
- Yeah, mine.
- Is that really a huge distinction? - It is to me.
I can't even How would? You know, that's sick.
That is sick.
How messed up in the head are you that you'd ask? - Okay.
Okay.
Just calm down, okay? - Ugh.
We're not We're just talking.
We're not doing anything yet.
We're just talking.
Nobody's doing anything.
Dogs sometimes eat feces.
It's not a judgment.
It's just a fact.
So, what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean possibly lick my ass, and then put the diaper back on me.
Probably lick my ass.
You should start wrapping your brain around that too.
There is no way that is happening.
- I don't see a way around it.
Do you? - I'd shoot myself first.
How are you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here.
There's a gun in your safety-deposit box, isn't there? Stewie, you don't know how to use that.
Really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy? Whoa, come on, man.
Take it easy.
I don't want trouble.
There's not gonna be any as long as you eat my poo.
- That's not happening.
- Then I'll shoot you.
- There aren't bullets.
- I don't believe you.
- Then shoot me.
Do it.
- I will.
I will.
- What are you waiting for? - I'll blow your fucking head off.
Wait a minute.
Don't you have your cell phone with you? Ah! You're right.
Oh, no.
Low battery.
I have to make this call count.
- Hurry up.
- It's ringing.
- Oh, thank God.
- Come on.
Come on.
Can you connect me to Men's Designer Wear, please? Thank you.
- What? - This'll take a second.
- Give me that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hi, this is Stewie Griffin.
Who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew.
I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater.
Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night.
Well, I enjoyed it.
Thank you.
Good memory.
My word.
- Anyway, it doesn't fit properly.
- Give me the phone.
Hey.
Stop it.
I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time.
Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, no exceptions.
I see.
So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew.
I will hold for your manager.
I'm gonna wrap this up.
- Hey! - Sorry.
He's gonna have to call you back.
It's dead.
You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater? A $3000 sweater, which I am now stuck with.
Oh, this day.
Aah! Ow.
You stink, and now I'm trapped in here with you because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help.
That really hurt.
Get away from me.
I can't look at you.
- Well, I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
- Don't.
- All right, I'll do it.
- What are you talking about? I can't leave you like this.
But you have to swear never to tell anybody.
Ah! You mean, you're gonna eat my? Yeah.
No, I won't tell anybody.
I swear.
- Okay.
How should we do it? - I guess it's dealer's choice, really.
I suppose the easiest way would be to use the diaper as a bowl of sorts.
- You know how to take it off? - I've never done it myself.
Mom does it.
- Well, we should get your overalls off.
- I know how to do the snaps.
There.
I did it.
Okay, good.
Now, let's get your feet out.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Oh, really smells bad, doesn't it? - You sure you can't stay like this? - I'm getting a rash, Brian.
I can feel it.
Okay, okay.
I can do this.
All right, lay down.
It's amazing that you know how to do that.
It's like watching someone do algebra.
I have no conception of how it's done.
Oh, God.
Okay, you ready? Okay.
Aah! Don't do it here.
I don't wanna watch.
- What? - Take it over there, do it in the corner.
- It's your poop.
- Yeah, but it's your activity.
You know, it's your thing.
- I can't finish.
- You have to.
How would we explain it half eaten? There's no going back from this.
It's done.
- Got some dessert for you.
- You gotta be kidding me.
Come on, it's throw-up.
You like throw-up.
I do.
I do like throw-up.
Ahh.
Let's get this diaper back on you.
Mm, there's just one part left.
What? There's nothing left.
Look, the diaper's clean.
Yeah, yeah, but my ass isn't.
You have to clean my ass.
- God, Stewie, there's gotta be a line.
- Brian, this is the most important part.
You've seen Lois with those wipes.
She gets all up in my biznatch.
- No.
No way.
- I could get really sick.
There's hardly anything.
This will take one second.
And then we can put this whole unpleasantness behind us.
If you ever I'm not gonna breathe a word to anybody ever.
Now, go on.
Get started.
Tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be surpri Moon river Oh, my God.
There There it goes.
Brian, you rock.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Oh, wait.
I can do this part.
So Yeah, thanks.
I feel a lot better now.
Smell's gone.
Look, I hope this hasn't created any weirdness between us.
I mean, it's not that strange what happened.
- What'd you eat? - Italian wedding soup.
Oh, actually, it wasn't bad.
I know, right? Jenny Craig.
Can you believe? Only 220 calories.
Probably less for you.
I think I missed my nap today.
I'm sleepy.
- Well, why don't you lie down? - I think I will.
- Brian? - What? I just realized something.
- What? - Tomorrow's Sunday.
Fuck.
I guess this is as good a time as any.
Ah.
- What you doing? - Oh, hey.
Just needed a little drink.
Was kind of saving it, but what the hell, right? - Saving it for what? - It's not important.
- Want a sip? - You're offering me some? - It's liquor, isn't it? - Yeah, it's liquor.
Babies aren't supposed to have liquor.
Oh, this would be the most naughty thing ever.
- You want a sip or not? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't wanna get buzzed.
People take advantage of kids when they're buzzed.
It's so easy, and I wouldn't even remember.
So don't you try anything.
Try what? I already practically rimmed you.
Yeah, there was no "practically" about that.
Mm.
Smooth.
I like what comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this too.
Ah.
Oh, I'm starting to Starting to feel that.
Ha, ha.
Oh, you know, I like hanging out with you, Brian.
You know, I feel like a big boy right now.
- Yeah, this isn't so bad, right? - It's like a very private party.
Mm.
Ha, ha.
I feel like dancing.
Yeah.
You know how to move.
That is re Wow, that is awesome.
I'm really impressed.
Oh, wait here, I can hurdle my own leg like they used to do in the '90s.
Okay.
You know what? This is gonna sound really weird.
This is gonna sound really weird, but I want you to do it.
- What? - First, you have to say that you'll do it before I tell you, no matter what it is.
- All right.
- Really? - Yeah, sure.
What is it? - I want you to pierce my ear.
- Let's do it.
- You mean it? Because look at my face.
I'm totally serious.
- Are you totally serious? - I'm with you.
I'm on the train.
Do you have a needle? Um, uh Oh, there's a pin in the sweater.
Here.
Oh, my God, this is happening! This is really happening! You know, I think this is gonna look so good on me.
You know what else? Oh.
Maybe I'll buy a glove with no knuckles.
- Aren't we supposed to, like, heat it? - I don't care.
I don't give a d I'm all worked up right now so we have to do it.
Do it, okay? - What are we drinking anyway? - Glenfiddich.
Love her.
I'll sterilize it in the Scotch.
You just sterilize it in the Scotch.
Why don't? It's bitch Sterilize that bitch up, you know? You know, I don't know why I told Matthew that I liked The Bounty Hunter, because I hated it.
But I just I wanted him to like me and that's why I said it.
Why do I do that? Why do l? Why am I such a people pleaser? You know, when is it Stewie's turn, you know? L I'm I voted for McCain.
Okay, left ear.
Left ear.
All right, stick it in.
Come on, dude.
Can I just? Can I just say before? Can we just, like, take two? I love You're so brave.
I just love how brave you're being now.
This is the closest I've ever felt to you.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
I was thinking the same thing.
We are so us right now, do you know that? Uh Uh - Okay, okay.
- Okay, here we go.
Oh, my God! - Oh! Are you okay? - Is it over? I think.
I don't know where the pin went.
Wait, move your hand.
Oh, wow.
Oh, shit.
- What? What is it? - There's so much blood.
Ew! It's stuck in there.
The pin's too thick to go all the way through.
Ew, get it out.
- Got it.
- How's it look? - Cool.
- Really? Oh, that's good.
Oh, I knew it was I knew it would look cool.
Wait.
Don't we have to put an earring in it so the hole won't close? I don't think it's gonna close.
I can't believe I can't believe I have pierced ears.
I'm one of those people who I talk about.
Finally, no more clip-ons, you know? No.
Uh, give me some of that.
Don't hog that there.
Give me some of that.
It looks really good, Stewie.
I wish we had a mirror because I actually did a really good job.
Oh, yeah, it's awesome.
I'm not worried.
Mm.
Ah.
Cozy.
- So, um, question.
- Yeah? This is gonna seem stupid, but I've been dying to know.
The Dog Whisperer.
What is that? Is any of that true? - My God, I'm sorry.
I've offended you.
- No, no, no, not at all, Stewie.
Some of that stuff is right on.
Really? Wow, give me a for instance.
The guy talks about - Cesar Millan? - Cesar Millan.
Talks about living in the moment because that's how dogs live, you know? We live in the moment.
I so don't live in the moment.
I'm always, "Oh, remember that petting zoo?" Or "I can't wait to go to Florida.
" I'm never, like, really present.
- You gotta help me work on that.
- Oh, definitely.
Definitely, man.
Live with purpose.
You know, celebrate every day.
He talks about all those things that dogs do.
Like, we do that.
Dogs do that.
It's instinctual in us.
You know, it's like I can't not do it.
- That's kind of what his whole thing is.
- Such beautiful lessons.
I hope he's not Mexican.
There's something off, but I hope it's not that.
You know, people can learn a lot from dogs, you know? A lot.
Like, we're like Like, here's us.
We're like, "Yeah.
Yeah.
" Like that.
Okay, sure.
Sure.
Relax.
Relax.
It's just, well, you don't I mean, you don't really do any of those things, do you? Yeah, I do.
What are you talking about? It's just I don't know.
I mean, do you really live with purpose? - How could you say that to me? - Calling it like I see it.
Listen, why don't you? You know what, you can just go to hell.
Hey, I didn't mean to start anything.
Let's just forget it, okay? - We're having a good time.
- I don't wanna forget it.
How dare you tell me my life doesn't have purpose? No, that's what you're saying.
Don't do that.
Don't turn my words on me.
Take that sweater off.
You look like a fag.
Now you're being an asshole.
Get used to it.
You're gonna be hearing worse once you go to school.
Are you trying to hurt me? Because you've succeeded.
Oh, calling it like I see it.
Oh, I see.
Is that what we're doing? All right.
I'll play that game with you.
- Yeah? What are you gonna do? - Think I care about you? - I don't.
- Yes, you do.
I know you do.
I don't really care.
No.
You're just smart enough and you're just clever enough to amuse me.
If I had anybody else, anybody else to choose from, I would.
You are the best of a bad situation, nothing more.
I use you, man.
L Yeah, I would know if you were using me.
Oh, you would? I got you to eat my shit.
- You know why I did it? - Afraid you were gonna get sick.
Because I wanted to see if I could.
- What? - Come on, Brian.
I spend half the day in a dirty diaper.
I was bored.
Just passing the time.
I thought, "How low can I get this douche bag to go?" Oh, my God.
And when you did it, I actually felt sorry for you.
There.
Your turn.
- You're a monster.
- Hey, you started this whole thing.
You son of a bitch.
I could kill you for that.
Oh, really? How convenient.
You've got a gun right there.
Here you go.
Wanna kill me? Kill me with this.
But there are no bullets in it, are there? - Yeah, there are.
I lied.
- Oh, you're so full of crap.
If you shot me, it would all be caught on that security camera.
Security cam? Oh, my God.
Maybe somebody can see us.
Hey.
Hey, somebody, help! We're in here! No one's out there, Brian.
They would've come in.
Save your energy.
Oh, my God.
- What? - It's all on tape.
What's all on tape? Oh, my God.
- Oh, that is gonna be on YouTube.
- Oh, God.
Everybody that works in an office is gonna say: "Hey, type in 'dog baby heinie lick.
' Check this out.
" And the boss is gonna say: "Hey, what are you doing? Oh, yeah.
That's funny.
I saw that in my room.
Okay, now type in 'Japanese fish ass.
"' I am gonna be so humiliated.
I could shoot you in the head except there aren't any bullets.
- I'm sorry, Stewie.
- Me too.
- How long is this gonna last? - No idea.
- Hope I'm not bothering you.
- Nope.
Just doing some stretching, maybe a few poses.
You'll tell me if I'm bothering you, right? Uh-huh.
I know what you're thinking.
"Stewie's so late to the yoga party.
" I'm not even any good, right? I mean, I'm okay.
You know, I'm not the worst in the class.
I've even been singled out a few times.
Probably because it's mostly pregnant women in the group.
Still, Brody must see something.
Although I certainly don't.
But then again, I'm not the instructor, am I? Oh, yuck.
- What happened to my ear? - We pierced it.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of crazy shit went on last night.
- Well, we were both drunk.
- Oh, of course.
Of course.
Oh, yes, that's right.
We were four pillows to the breeze, my friend.
I don't know the phrase.
- What are you reading? - David Copperfield.
- Looks old.
- It's a first edition.
It's why I keep it in my safety-deposit box.
It's by Charles Dickens.
Ha! Giggety.
- What are you doing? - I was hungry.
You want one? You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot.
Not energy bars.
Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.
- And you bitched yourself out a bite.
- All right, I'm sorry.
All right.
- Can I have one, please? - All right.
- Can you give me a caramel one? - No.
You can have, um Um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.
- I don't like yogurt.
Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.
- Okay, I get it.
A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.
- Shut up.
- Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.
- Shut up.
Ooh, harsh tone.
You just got bumped down to coconut mint.
- Hey, Bri? - Yeah? How come you have a gun? - I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know? What about that crap you're always spewing about stricter gun regulations? You even cried after Columbine.
- Because that was a national tragedy.
- Uh, it was kind of a regional tragedy.
- Whatever.
- It's just weird, you know? You're the last person anybody would expect to have a gun.
That's why I keep it here.
That doesn't make sense.
Why have it if you're not gonna use it? - Ah! Is it, like, a sexual thing? - No.
Oh, that's a relief.
I hate the idea of you getting thrills pressing a gun against your crotch.
Ew.
Just picturing it gives me the willies.
I don't wanna talk about this, Stewie.
- Okay.
Okay, I respect that.
- Thank you.
- Are you sure it's not a sexual thing? - I'm sure.
That'd be strange if you had fantasies about pressing a gun against your crotch and feeling your heartbeat through your balls.
- Tell me why you have it.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- But I want to know.
Tell me.
Come on.
- No.
Come on, please.
I keep it in case I ever wanna commit suicide, okay? Wow.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
You're serious.
- But why, Brian? - You wouldn't understand.
- You're just a kid.
- Well, I could try.
I don't know.
Sometimes it's all too much.
- What is? - Life, everything.
Just having the gun here, knowing there's a way out, it helps.
Yes, but a gun.
That's so messy.
What about pills? Even hanging yourself is better.
At least then you might grow an inch or two while you hang.
Of course when they find you, you might have those Ileana Douglas eyes.
Mm.
So, um, why the gun? It just seemed the quickest way, I guess.
I suppose.
But I don't quite understand why you're so unhappy.
Yesterday when you said I don't live with purpose you were right.
I don't.
- What purpose does my life have? - I don't like when you talk like this.
No, it's true, Stewie.
Dogs are supposed to be able to live with purpose not have to think about it, just born like that.
But I wasn't.
You know, I've tried to find meaning in my life, and I just can't.
And that bottle of Scotch? I was saving it for my last drink.
Whoa, heavy.
And I'm not talking about purpose in the shallow, Rick Warren over-the-counter, self-help variety.
That's delusion.
That's not real.
I mean, is there ever a time when we're truly in the present moment and not looking toward the past or the future? Right there in the moment.
I get that way when I watch Handy Manny.
So is that why we came here? Were you gonna end it? I was putting money in my Christmas club.
God, I have to get one of those.
Last year, I only had $30 saved.
I was so embarrassed.
I think I gave Meg tape.
Ah.
You're the only person I've ever told this to.
- Aren't you gonna say anything? - Well, I don't know what to say.
Wanting to kill yourself Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.
How is that selfish? What would I do if you weren't here? Hmm? You're the one who makes my life bearable.
I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation.
I was just trying to hurt you because you hurt me.
But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian.
- lf I didn't have you, I'd be lost.
- Ah, you'd be okay.
No, I wouldn't.
I don't really care for anybody else.
Just you.
You're the only one I like.
Well, thanks.
I like you a lot.
I guess you could say I really like you.
I would even dare to go a little further, perhaps.
I care a great deal about you.
A very great deal.
Maybe even deeper than that.
I I love you.
I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's have an underpants party.
" Or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love.
I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Well, I I love you too, Stewie.
You give my life purpose.
And maybe that's enough.
Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- What? - Will you read to me? - Sure.
Wait, wait, wait.
I want to get all snuggled in.
Okay, go.
"Chapter one.
I am born.
" Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life or whether that station shall be held by anybody else these pages must show.
To begin my life with the beginning of my life "I record that I was born on a Friday at 12:00 at night.
"