Family Guy s08e19 Episode Script

The Splendid Source

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hi, this is Peter.
Don't get scared that you can hear my voice but can't see me.
This is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals.
It all began innocently enough with my stupid wife showing me some dumb-ass brochure.
So here's where we'll all be staying this weekend.
You and I will have one cabin and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two.
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.
- Hi, Chris.
How was school? - Not good.
- I got suspended for saying bad words.
- Oh, for god's sake! My principal wants to meet with you guys.
- Should we go? It sounds like a trap.
- Yes, Peter.
We should go.
If it's a trap and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back to back like last time.
Anymore bright ideas, professor? Mr.
and Mrs.
Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class.
Principal Shepherd, we promise you, it won't happen again.
I don't know where Chris heard the joke but I can assure you it wasn't at home.
- Was it, Chris? - No, Mr.
Quagmire told it to me.
I should have figured.
The one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says: - "Good morning, ladies"? - Ha, ha! I told you that one.
- You told me that one.
- I sure did.
We enjoy each other's company.
Well, I suppose if I have your word that this won't happen again we can allow Chris to return to school.
I promise, my husband will have a talk with Quagmire.
Won't you, Peter? Peter? Mr.
Griffin, don't touch that.
That's the school PA system.
Attention, student body.
You will now listen as I attempt to swallow this microphone.
Peter! Peter, what are you doing? Pull! Pull! Ung, ugh.
Peter! I did it.
I did it.
That was all that noise.
I did it.
Hey, Quagmire, you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes.
- I'm sorry.
- You want me to talk to him? - Well, no.
I want you to tell me the joke.
- Yeah.
Tell us the joke.
- You wanna hear it? All right.
So this chick meets a guy at a bar and "P.
Your vagina's in the sink.
" - Oh, God, I crapped my pants.
- Ha, ha.
It's funny when it happens to other people.
Ugh, that's the end of those underwear.
I took them off and hummed them at the wall and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses.
It's a pretty funny joke when you think about it.
- "Your vagina's in the sink.
" - Ha-ha-ha! Damn it! Wow, he poops every time he hears that joke.
He does, doesn't he? Get out of here, Quagmire, I just put on clean pants.
Who's texting me? Ha-ha-ha Damn it! Stop it, you guys, you're ruining all my clothes.
Can I see your driver's license and registration? Is there a problem, officer? Is he telling it? - Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha Damn it! Fuck you, guys! Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep.
Peter! You just crapped all over the bed! When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.
- Hello, fellas.
- Hey, Pete - Those are my pants.
- That's right.
Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.
I enjoy a joke.
I don't know.
I wanna tell the joke but I like those pants.
- I'll tell the joke.
- Go ahead, Joe.
I'm all anus.
Don't you dare.
I'll push you into traffic.
Peter, you win.
I won't tell the joke anymore.
I gotta admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems that joke is freaking hilarious.
Where'd you hear it? - Bruce told it to me.
- No way.
Where'd he hear it? I don't know, probably just around.
Where does any dirty joke come from? Joe's right.
There's a million of them.
They gotta be coming from somewhere.
- Somebody's gotta be making these up.
- Who? I don't know, but haven't you ever wanted to find out? Well, yeah, but how would anyone do that? A quest, Joe.
We go on a quest to find the source of the world's dirty jokes.
- Who's with me? - Well, I'm with you.
Oh, what the hell, so am I.
And so began our journey to find the splendid source of off-color humor as we know it.
Our first stop was to see Bruce.
- Oh, hey.
What size shoes is you all? - We're not here to bowl.
We were wondering where you heard that joke you told Quagmire.
Oh, that one? Oh, no.
I'm not gonna tell you all that one here at the workplace.
Too dirty.
Maybe after quitting time, I'll have a mimosa and tell you then.
Look, you blade, tell us who you heard it from.
It turned out the joke already had quite a history.
Bruce heard it from Consuela.
Consuela heard it from Mayor West.
West heard it from Dr.
Hartman heard it from Angela.
Angela from Opie.
Opie from Herbert.
Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker.
Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough.
Bender heard it from Al Harrington.
Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
Heard it from a friend who Heard it from a friend who Heard it from another REO Speedwagon saved us several stops as they too had backtracked the joke to some extent.
When their trail led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up.
Much the way the world had given up on them.
Just to kick them a couple bucks, here's five seconds of "Time for Me to Fly.
" No, don't! All the money goes to my bitch ex-wife! - Can you play our song? Okay, lead singer from Asia.
Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over We can't go to Virginia.
Bonnie and Lois planned that couples' weekend in Maine.
We're supposed to leave in the morning.
We've looked long enough.
Maybe the joke doesn't have a source.
Somebody had to have made it up, and we're gonna find out who.
This'll be way more fun than hanging out in Maine with the wives sitting around a campfire listening to Lois tell grocery stories.
"Peter, you should have been there.
Uncle Ben's converted brown rice was on sale.
"They marked it down from $12 to To 3" Whatever.
I don't know how much rice is but you know what I'm saying.
Okay, Peter, I've got the directions.
Head north on the turnpike.
That's gonna be the quickest route to Maine.
Sure, Lois.
Say, ladies, I was wondering if you could tell me, what was childbirth like? Oh, Glenn, you have no idea.
It's something no man could understand.
Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt and imagine feeling that for hours.
By the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes.
And then they said I was four centimeters dilated.
They didn't think I was far enough, but I was like: "I can tell you, I'm far enough.
" And that's when Chris was born.
Gosh, that's all so fascinating.
Let me ask you, have you ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Quagmire, shut up.
We're here.
You drove us to Virginia? Look, we're sorry we deceived you girls, but this is important.
The trail leads to a bartender who works here.
He could be the source of the dirty joke.
Hi there.
What can I do for you gentlemen? We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke.
Oh! Ha-ha-ha! I remember that.
I heard it from that guy.
- Cleveland? - Hey, fellas.
Holy crap.
Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos.
What a surprise this is.
Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here.
Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure.
I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding.
Still waiting on that gift.
The gift was the show.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
It's great to have you all here.
You'd better hide the markers from your kids.
Somebody colored in your Jesus.
Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.
Let's get down to business.
Who told you the joke? A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, D.
I met him when I took Cleveland Jr.
There to see the Lincoln Memorial.
But then Daddy got frustrated because he couldn't find it.
So we just ate fast food in the parking lot.
I'm just saying maybe put up a damn sign.
Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo.
- He knows every dirty joke ever written.
- Then that's the guy we gotta talk to.
Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people we are going to Washington, D.
Wait a minute, Peter.
Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend.
Frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase.
Lois, if you and Bonnie wanna stay here, maybe Cleveland could join us? It'd be just like old times.
What do you say, Cleveland? Oh, I don't know.
I've kind of got my own life now.
If you have a change of heart and wanna chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.
Okay, guys, I got one.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or surgery from a female doctor? - Wow.
- Like, minor surgery? No, serious surgery like a blown kidney or something.
- Jeez.
- Good question, Peter.
- Is the man gay? - No.
Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian? You know what? I'm gonna take it up a notch.
Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? - Hispanic from Spain? - No.
So it's basically, would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die? I got another one.
Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? Sign me up for Cooper.
- Aah! - Aah! What the hell? What was that about? Who were those guys? I don't know, but I'll tell you this I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend.
They were following us? Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.
Joe, that's so dumb.
- Why would anybody be trying to kill us? - It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke.
We had no idea how right Cleveland was.
And if we had known what lay ahead we would have stopped right there and gone straight back to Quahog.
But we didn't know.
We didn't know.
There it is.
Washington, D.
The seat of government for the world's former most powerful nation.
Those are all the monuments I read about in school.
There's the Washington Monument.
There's the Obama Monument.
And there's the Vietnam War Memorial.
Check that Vietnamese guy giving business to those Vietnam vets.
Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Oh, what happened to your friend? Hey, I know that guy.
I kill him.
He cry like a bitch.
Vietnam! Undefeated! All right, this is the hotel where the bellhop works.
Hey, there he is.
Sal! Well, hey, Cleveland.
What are you doing here? I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions.
Where'd you hear that joke you told Cleveland? That's none of your business.
Leave me alone.
Don't let him get away! Hop on.
Where did he go? I think he went that way past the reflecting pool.
Damn, he's nowhere in sight.
I'll ask these fellas.
Maybe they've seen him.
Excuse me, have you seen? Hold on a second, I'm trying Hold on a sec Hey, pal, stop talking while I'm talking, all right? You want a sandwich full of knuckles? That's it, Cleveland, you take Cleveland.
Joe, you take Joe.
Quagmire, you take Quagmire.
And I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth.
It's no use, Peter.
We've lost him.
Our journey had abruptly ended and the trail had gone cold.
Well, I guess we're never gonna find the source of that joke.
I guess there's nothing to do now but head back home.
- Stop right where you are.
- Down on the ground.
We were terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey.
But little did we know our journey was far from over.
All right, did you get the parking validated? Ugh, no.
That was the reason we walked through Crate & Barrel.
We'd been captured, tied up and kidnapped.
And as if that weren't bad enough we found ourselves on a plane headed to an unknown destination.
- Where the hell are they taking us? - I don't know but I got a bad feeling.
Ugh, every plane.
Every plane there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it.
Yes, he's crying.
Babies cry.
After flying for what seemed like hours we found ourselves approaching a strange island on the horizon.
What the hell is this place? It is that which you have been seeking, gentlemen.
- Who are you? - I am the dean.
- The dean of what? - The Dean of the Secret Order of Dirty Joke Writers.
So these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes? - Indeed they are.
- Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking? So the housewife tells the plumber, "Okay, you cleaned my pipes now get to work on that sink.
" And there's Bill Gates.
Is there some joke area of a beaver eating a woodpecker? Is that something? Would that work? And there's Warren Buffett.
So the gym teacher says, "How'd you get the two black eyes?" She says, "I don't know.
" Oh, I forgot to say she's got two big jugs.
Wow, these are some of the world's smartest people.
- Not a lot of women.
- Yeah.
Not a lot of women.
What are they all doing here? Well, many of the world's greatest geniuses secretly devote themselves to coming up with the world's dirtiest jokes.
Oh, it's been that way for centuries.
Great men such as Ben Franklin, Charles Dickens Albert Einstein, Shakespeare, of course.
I got a spear you can shake.
Ha! There you go.
Put that in one of your jokes.
Let me show you around.
From this room, we can see the entire world's joke supply.
This way we can tailor jokes to where the need is greatest.
We have a best man giving a toast at a wedding and he is just bombing.
Put it up on the screen.
Jim's Jim's so clumsy it's like he's got two, ahem, left feet and left hands.
Permission to go to the bride-is-a-whore file.
Permission granted.
Anyway, if Sheila was a road sign, it would read, "Open trench.
" Well, gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed the tour of our facility.
This was amazing.
Guys, we did it.
We found the source of the world's dirty jokes.
I can't wait to tell all the guys back at The Clam.
Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.
- What do you mean? - Well, you've seen our secret island.
You know about our network of joke distribution agents, like the bellhop.
We can't allow the secret to be revealed.
I'm afraid you must stay here for the rest of your lives.
What are we gonna do now? We gotta come up with an escape plan.
Hey, guys.
I can see the plane that brought us here.
If we can figure a way to get to it, I can fly us home.
I got an idea.
One of us should pretend we're hurt.
When the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump him.
That's perfect.
Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? - Oh, I don't know.
Wait, here you go.
- Thanks.
- Aah! What the hell? - Hey, help! Help! - We have an emergency! - You dick! - What's going on? - This man has been injured.
He needs medical attention.
Come on, let's get out of here.
All right.
Let's hurry up and find a way out.
Well, well.
It's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem.
Kill them.
My God, I've done it.
After 80 years of work and research I have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind.
- Give me that.
- Not on your life.
Take one step closer and the paper gets it.
Drop your guns.
Do as he says.
Put it out! Put it out! Oh, my God! It's heading for the first dead-baby joke ever written.
Look what we did.
We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world.
Is that the end of all dirty jokes? Well, maybe it is, but Peter's got the best one ever written right there.
Read it, Peter.
"Guess what? Chicken butt.
" That's it? That's the joke? No, this is the joke.
- Aah! - Now take me back to Virginia so I can put some bacitracin on this and pork my wife.
It was a great adventure.
And it was great having Cleveland along with us again.
He hasn't changed a bit, didn't grab one check.
Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes.
For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward.
So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself.
See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but I was like, "No way, monkey scratch.
" Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
We did.
It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable.
But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out.
You went halfway around the world for this joke, I never even got to hear it.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Yeah, come on, Dad.
Tell the joke.
You wanna hear it? This chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck.
But she's worried because she's got a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys.
So she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it in her vagina so when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
- Maybe this isn't family conversation.
Shut the fuck up.
So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine.
She wakes up the next morning and he's gone.
And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening.
However, I don't think this is going to work out.
Your vagina is in the sink.
" Now, I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.