Family Guy s09e06 Episode Script

Brian Writes a Bestseller

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Hi.
Package for Brian Griffin.
Oh, I can sign for that.
Package, Bri.
Wonder what this is.
It's my book.
And there's a note from my publisher.
"We are returning all of the unsold copies "of Faster Than the Speed of Love.
" You guys got a garage or something? We got Iike 300 boxes of these things.
Wow, that's a Iot of boxes!.
This is so weird.
Look what they used to pack your book in.
Shredded-up pieces of your book.
Okay, that's it, I'm finished.
What are you talking about? I'm finished.
I'm done.
It's over.
CIearly, I am not meant to be a writer.
I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out.
I put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on.
Well, that's it, no more.
I'm done writing.
What? Writing's the only thing that's giving your alcoholism any credibility.
Hey, you know, I just thought of something.
Hold on a sec.
I bought a vase Iast week and it's still in the box, and I just want to check to see what they used to pack it Ah! It's your book! Oh, my God, this gets me so angry! This ticks me off, so much! Jeez.
Oh, man! -What? What is it? -Look at this.
The number-one book on The New York Times bestseller Iist is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore.
This is why nobody bought my damn book.
You know, this is what they want.
The Secret.
Chicken Soup for the Soul.
The Purpose Driven Life.
I tell you, I could crap one of those things out in a night.
I'm gonna tell Mom you said "crap.
" No, I mean it.
I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it.
Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would Iove to, just to make a point, but I've given up writing.
Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before.
You don't care about this, so what does it matter? Well, you do have a point.
AII right.
Maybe I will.
Oh, how fun.
Can I watch you write it? I don't know, Stewie.
I kind of Iike to write in solitude.
No, no, I promise I'II be as quiet as a guy in a coma.
Ah! This is great.
I can finally be alone with my thoughts.
Wait, I've got it.
Predator Versus Batman.
Why has no one done this? I need a pen.
Where 's a pen? Oh, right, I can 't move.
That's okay, I'll remember it.
I mean, I can 't forget a million-dollar idea like that.
It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who Wait, I mean, the woman with the What was it? Was she a shape-shifter? Damn it, I just had it.
All right, calm down.
At least you've still gotBatman and the It was Batman Meets You got to be kidding me, I just had it.
What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot.
No wonder your wife shot you.
And done.
There it is, Stewie.
Three hours, 27 minutes, and I've got myself one big steaming pile of book.
-You want to hear it? -Definitely! What are you calling it? -Wish lt.
Want lt.
Do lt.
-Love it.
Thanks.
Okay.
"Chapter One: Wish it.
"What are all the things you want most in the world? "Use the following blank pages "to write down all of your dreams and desires.
" -Brilliant.
Make them do the work.
-Yeah, why not? You know, if people want crap, I'II give them crap.
And, you know, I have a friend who might be able to help get this published.
Wait, you have a friend in publishing and you never told me before? -He's kind of a new friend.
-Who is he? Yeah, I don't know if you want to start digging around in this area.
Let's just Ieave it at, "He's a friend in publishing "and he calls on Thursdays.
" Hey, Brian, when you're done, can I make a pirate hat? Here, just take it.
I Iook wesome.
AII right, I got to go to a wedding.
I'II see you Iater.
Oh, my God, that is fantastic news! I can't wait to tell him! I know, I told you the book was good.
Yeah, thank you so much, Don.
Um Red overalls, a yellow shirt underneath.
I don't really have time to do this right now.
Brian, they're publishing your book.
You're kidding? I can't believe it.
That's the worst thing I've ever written.
Not according to Penguin Publishing.
In fact, you're supposed to call the chief editor.
Penguin Publishing.
One moment, please.
Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the Iine Out.
Get out! Get out now! AII right, everyone, I made a very special breakfast to celebrate Brian's book coming out.
And And It's a special breakfast for me, too, right? Why? Because Because it is the anniversary of when I started to eat vegetables.
Author! Author! And Peter for eating healthy.
Lois, you didn't have to go through all this fuss.
What you got there? This? It's just a copy of Us magazine.
Can you believe it? Wish lt.
Want lt.
Do lt.
got three stars.
How hilarious is that? It's not hilarious.
It's great, Brian.
That's a huge accomplishment.
Well, I helped get the review in.
I called a friend over at Us Weekly who usually just covers people with gross amounts of children, but now he's the book reviewer.
So hats off to both of us.
Well, nice going, Stewie.
You ought to be my publicist.
You know, I don't want you to be offering me this just because we're related.
I do have references you can call.
You know, I spent a month as Melanie Griffith's Ioose skin holder.
-Melanie! -Melanie! Over here.
You Iook beautiful.
Can't hold on much Ionger.
I should have stayed in bed.
Yeah, we're walking in now.
Make sure Tom Tucker knows he has 20 minutes and he is to only talk about the book, no personal questions, all right? Are you okay? You good? You need anything? AII right.
AII right, we're inside and there is nobody here to greet us.
We have no idea where we are or where we're supposed to go.
Wait, is that you on the phone over there? Is this This is us.
Look over here.
There we go.
He sees us.
AII right.
Hi, thanks for coming.
Yeah, hello, we've been here awhile.
Come on, I'II show you the green room.
And Mr.
Griffin, I just have to say, I Ioved your book.
Well, thanks.
What's your name? -Sharhooz.
-Oh, my God.
It'II just be a few minutes.
Excuse me, there's something on the wall.
Now you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas and Fiji water! Stewie, there's no need to Ooh! I said no gray M&M's.
These are all gray.
Don't worry, Brian.
I've got it all under control.
You're a big canine star.
They should be treating you Iike Spuds MacKenzie.
Man, I wonder what he's doing now.
Now, Iadies, approach him slowly.
He can't really see anymore.
I've injected him with the Viagra.
Now, I'm gonna roll him on his back, but you're pretty much gonna have to do 100% of the work.
We're here with Brian Griffin, Iocal author of the new bestseller Wish lt.
Want lt.
Do lt.
Am I pronouncing that correctly? Uh Y eah.
Now, what does that mean, Wish lt.
Want lt.
Do lt? Well, it basically just refers to the steps necessary for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible.
Wow.
And it's nonfiction, right? Yes, it is.
Now, which one is that? I always forget.
Is that the one that really happened or not? Uh Yeah.
Okay.
So now So this is This is a true story.
Well, it's not really a narrative Doesn't matter.
I'm hooked.
And we'II be right back with sports.
Okay, you're doing great so far.
Now I was just texting with New York.
We're doing a whole thing there.
I booked your plane ticket, and I specifically asked that you not sit next to an Asian.
Stewie, that's racist.
That's terrible.
I'm sorry, do you want me to call back and change it? Well, it's done now.
Seems Iike a Iot of extra work.
Okay, there's a book signing at the Barnes and Noble on Union Square at 5:00.
And then at 7:00 you're meeting with a reporter from In Style magazine at Pastis.
I just want to warn you, she's very heavy.
So be prepared for that.
-Jeez, how heavy? -I don't know, but apparently heavy enough that they felt they needed to warn me.
Oh, Iook at this.
Your book is number three on Amazon.
Number three? Well, who's number one? It's that new biography on Michael Jackson.
Come on, another one? Unless it was written by a 10-year-old's rectum, who cares? It doesn't say who the author is, Brian, but I would guess that it's probably not that.
Well, Stewie, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all you're doing.
I mean, I have been so happy with most everything.
Oh Most? Yeah, don't even It's so tiny, those other things, it's not even worth Oh, my God, you're amazing.
I've been so thrilled with how you're doing.
-Great.
-Hi, can I help you? Yeah, checking in.
Brian Griffin.
You should usually do that.
You should check me in.
That's Iike one of the things I was talking about.
I just have to tell you, I Ioved your book, Mr.
Griffin.
Thank you so much.
You made my day.
So, you still in school? Graduating this year.
Well, we'II have to celebrate while I'm here.
Okay, well, I'II be right back with your key.
She's so pretty, isn't she? Yeah, you know.
-Do you think she Iiked me? -I don't know.
How weird would it be if she just showed up at my room Iater? Pretty weird, I guess.
Oh, my God, were you Were you thinking of doing that? Sending her to my room? No, why? Why? Were you thinking of me doing that? I don't even know what you're saying anymore, man.
Just do whatever you're thinking.
Man, crazy.
Hi, I just want to say that I can't tell you how much your book has helped me.
Uh-huh.
What's your name? It's Jan.
Okay, here you go, Dan.
Yeah, it's Jan.
Back ofthe Iine.
Go on.
Come back around, he'II try it again.
Hi.
Can you make it out to Kelly? Well, hi there.
I sure can.
You know, I have to tell you, Wish lt.
Want lt.
Do lt.
totally changed my Iife.
Well, you know, that's what I set out to do with this book, so, you know, I got to tell you, that makes me feel pretty great.
This is just a phone number.
I know, I know, my phone number.
Oh.
Yeah.
-What do you think of that? -Um I'm not sure.
-Well, you know, I'm sure for you.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
-I see.
Yeah.
I'm a Iittle creeped out.
Hey, congratulations, somebody famous now hates you.
Okay, so, that's enough autographs, I think.
Listen, I want to thank you all for coming down.
And remember, wish it, want it, buy it.
AII right.
Brian, settle down.
You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.
You want to get a book published, don't you? Well, yes.
Well, if you want to be in black and white, black and white's got to be in you.
God, you know, Stewie, I used to think that John Lennon was kind of a jerk for saying The Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but now, I mean, it's Iike, I'm not saying I am, but I get it.
You know, now that we have two minutes to kind of Iet the dust settle, I just want to say that I'm really proud of you.
Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.
I mean, I think it's Iike You know, I think everybody has greatness in them, but it's really about having the courage to just kind of get inside your own head and just kind of poke around in there, you know, and be Iike, "Hey, oh, my gosh, what's under here? "Hey, what do you call yourself?" "Oh! Wisdom.
" "Oh! Profundity.
" "Oh! Truth.
" "Hey, Iet's all just go hang out together between the covers of a book.
" I Iove hearing about your process.
Hey, enough about me.
This was a great meal.
Good, good, I'm glad you Iike it.
They told me everybody comes here.
Hey, there's Renée Zellweger.
Hey, Renée, how you doing? Hey, Brian! This is my agent, Richard.
Hey, good to meet you.
How's Bradley? Renée dates Bradley Cooper.
Really great.
He's really found his niche, you know.
He's really got the cheap, forgettable Iead thing down, which is great.
That's fantastic, 'cause, you know, I might bankroll this comedy, and we need somebody who's not that funny and not that good Iooking, and that you forget about, the second you Ieave the theater.
I think Bradley would be perfect for that! Are you sure? Because we really need somebody who constantly seems Iike they're about to be big, but keeps not actually being big.
Well, he'd really want to see the script, but I mean, that's what Bradley does.
I don't know, we really need somebody, who has not been the best thing in anything he's ever been in, ever.
I mean the kind of guy who can get overshadowed by Zach Galifianakis or Ed Helms.
Well, of course, I can't speak for Bradley, but I really think he'd want to be considered for this.
Y eah, the thing is, for this roll, we need a guy who has all the characteristics that you would describe as handsome, but who is not actually handsome himself! Well, again, only Brad can speak for Brad, but this seems right for him.
Yeah, I think he'd be right, too.
The problem is, we'd Iike to find an actor who has been given a Iot of chances to shine, but who has never actually shined.
Not one single time! Well, I think he'd be I got to get back to my dinner here, but I think he'd be perfect! And I really hope you keep Bradley Cooper in mind.
AII right, well, we got to go.
Hey.
They seemed really nice.
Get over here! Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay.
Can you figure out what the problem is? I don't I honestly have no Oh, God! How do you think I feel walking out of the back room of a restaurant and seeing Renée Zellweger eating in the front room of that restaurant? I am mortified.
Absolutely mortified! You should know better than this! I told them who you were when I made the reservation! Look, I have written a best-selling phenomenon! I should be sitting in the front goddamn room! Okay, okay, I hear you, I hear you.
And I just want you to know that my only goal is to be able to help you better.
And you being honest with me, well, that's helping me do that.
So thank you.
Good.
Brian, are you going straight back to the hotel? 'Cause I was gonna go back You know what, I'II just I'II take a cab.
Oh.
Well, at Ieast it's not raining.
Hey, Brian, welcome home! How was your book signing? Jeez, Lois, could I have, Iike, five minutes to decompress, please? It was a really horrible flight, and I was sitting next to a Japanese guy who had a cold.
I swear, Rupert, Brian has become a monster! That trip was sheer hell.
It was even worse than visiting my Russian grandma.
Come here, babupka.
Let me put your fingers in my mouth.
I want to press my cold, Ioose face onto your warm, tight face and breathe meat into your nose.
But now, I wrap you in sticky towel and Iay you in bucket of beet juice.
Now I put herring in bucket with you, so you have friend.
You know what? I bet my ways would seem just as foreign to you.
Stewie, I got a flea thing going on in here! Where the hell's my Frontline? Oh, my God! Brian! Brian! Brian, Iook at this! I got you on Real Time with Bill Maher! You're kidding? That's awesome, Stewie! Great job! "Great job," so you know that phrase.
-What's that? -What? What phrase do I know? Bill Maher! Whoo! Okay, so the topic is going to be, "Should God play a role in politics?" Oh, and here's your heartworm pill wrapped in baloney.
Stewie, the point of the baloney is that I don't know the pill is there.
Why am I standing under an air vent? Um Because -Because that's where -"Because that's where" -I -"I" -Because -"Because" -Well -"Well" -I can -"I can" -You -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, Mr.
Griffin, we'II be ready in five minutes.
You'II be on the panel with Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould.
Wait, wait.
My publicist told me Christopher Hitchens would be on the panel.
No, we told him Dana and Arianna two hours ago.
I did my prep research on Christopher Hitchens.
-I am so sorry.
-I am done with you.
Do you hear me? Done! Get out of here now! -Brian, please.
-You're fired! Yes, but I think the more important question that sometimes gets ignored is what about the separation of church and state? Well, Bill, see, I think Actually, Dana, if I may, if I may, I have some insight on this.
Bill, do you mind? Go, dog.
Well, it just so happens that separation of church and state is something I'm actually gonna cover in my next book, God.
Period.
Damn it.
What does that mean? Well, if I can expand on this.
For one thing, "In God we trust" is on money.
Now, what does that tell you? Tells me Americans will get all Christ-y about any sort of stupid shit.
So what? I think what's actually alarming is the fact that all this kind of pseudo-spirituality is being peddled to the American people in books that have, really, Iess substance than an issue of TV Guide.
That's a good argument.
It's a very good argument.
I agree.
I agree.
Really? Because I read Wish lt.
Want lt.
Do lt.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Gosh, next thing you know, both of you guys are gonna tell me that it changed your Iives.
Uh Yeah, I didn't read it.
Hey, so you're the guy.
It's actually It's actually very popular.
Well, it may be popular, but I have to say I agree with Arianna.
I think it's actually quite harmful.
Did you When did you say that? I just did.
I'm sorry, maybe 'cause it sounds Iike you're talking with a mouthful of syrup, I just didn't get it.
Hey, fuck you, man.
Actually, I mean, it seems that these sort of books tend to pander to the Iaziest kind of self-help within the narrowest socioeconomic range.
I mean, yeah, you can wish it, and you can do it, but only if you have the educational advantages, the societal advantages that, Iike, what, Well, yeah, you forgot "want it," which is such a big part of the book.
I mean, but you know, then again, you just said you haven't read it, so, you know Actually, since I said that, I did read it.
And that's another thing, I have to say, aren't "wish it" and "want it" really the same thing? I mean, your book basically makes three points, and two of them are the same point.
Well, you know, I mean, it does seem to be helping a Iot of people, Bill.
Well, "help" is a strong word.
How does this help people, Iike, with cancer or in Darfur? Well, I mean, it's not really for them.
It's for, Iike, if you want a car.
How does this help you get a car? Well, I mean, it doesn't with that attitude.
I mean, you have You have to do some of the work yourself.
That's why there are 50 blank pages.
That's why I keep it by the phone.
I think what this is, is simple exploitation of the American people who could be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful, Iike Iegitimate healthcare that they actually need.
You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa? What is your problem, Snoopy? Look, what it comes down to is that these false promises of, Iike, a quick fix to any and any problem that you would ever have, what books Iike these suggest is actually damaging to a Iarge, gullible segment of the population.
Yeah, aren't you a sitcom writer? I'm an author.
I have contributed to the zeitgeist.
Do you even know what "zeitgeist" means? If I didn't know what it meant, I wouldn't use it, Dana, which is a girl's name, and I'm And you know, I'm not gonna give you I'm not gonna give you the definition right now just for your satisfaction.
You know, Brian, I don't think you're in a position, really, here to pull rank on anybody.
I mean, yes, Dana has made a career in comedy.
I don't think he's ever done anything as Iaughable as this book.
Look, all right, well What do you want? I wrote it in a day.
Listen, Bill, I am such a big fan of yours.
I think you're totally getting the wrong impression of me.
I was just trying to write something that would sell.
I think it's crap, too.
Wow.
If I had even one shred of respect for you before this, it's gone now.
I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on people, the kind of steaming, stinking, smelly dump that your kind traffics in, at Ieast stand by your dump.
Okay, Iook, I'm happy to do that.
I'm just I'm just Look, what I was saying Look, just tell me what you want me to say! Bill, he's urinating! -Oh, shit! -That's it! -Look, Bill, can I just -Outside.
No, no, no, outside! Outside now! Outside! You get outside! Knock-knock.
Hey, Stewie.
What do you want? I just want to talk to you about everything that happened.
Um You know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down.
This all happened so fast, and I Iost sight of who I was.
I mean, you know, sure, you were in a Iittle over your head, but Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was in over my head? Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong.
It's about me apologizing.
Okay, then apologize.
-I just did.
-No, you didn't.
You just said it's about me apologizing.
That's not actually apologizing.
AII right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle.
Okay, okay, there it is again.
What the hell? Stop with that! You're right.
You're right.
This is about healing.
This is not about how many things you messed up along the way.
It's about how badly I reacted to them.
So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors.
That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it? -Pretty much.
-You can't write.
English - US - SDH