Family Guy s09e09 Episode Script

And I'm Joyce Kinney

Stewie Griffin, scientist, inventor, infant.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have.
Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.
And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
I hurt myself changing this tire! The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Tucker, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't Iike me when I'm angry.
The creature is wanted for a murder he didn 't commit.
Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead.
And he must let the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
Oh, come on, can we please change the channel? I can't stand Iocal news.
No, Brian.
The new female anchor is about to do that "Child of the Month" segment.
I Iike her.
Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney.
And this is April's Child ofthe Month, eight-year-old Angus Reed.
Angus was born with cerebral palsy.
And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon.
All I want to do is help people.
Child ofthe Month, Angus Reed.
Good luck with your dream, Angus.
We believe in you.
What a weird little guy.
Thanks, Joyce.
How old do they usually live to be, by the way? Well, you never see a gray-haired one.
So inspiring.
Mom, there's a row open up there.
Oh, good, I Iike sitting in the front.
Me, too.
I didn't dress up not to be seen.
Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today.
Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps.
Let me get at that belly.
-Let me kiss that belly.
-Stop it! -Cut it out! -I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss.
-Oh, Lois, that tickles! -FIubber-belly, pork-belly Stewie.
Give me that belly! Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I got a Iittle nervous.
It's just, I Iike you so much.
PIease turn to hymn number 487.
Ifwe praise Jesus by singing all together It makes this whole exercise seem less bizarre Than it really is when you actually stand back And examine it with some objectivity Amen PIease be seated.
Let me remind you all that this Saturday at 5:00 pm, we'II have vespers, not to be confused with the Italian motor scooter.
Vespers! And don't forget, next weekend, we will have the Sunday afternoon family picnic, as God said to Noah, weather permitting.
Stop it! And another reminder.
When you arrive to mass, please do not park behind the rectory.
As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my Iand.
" Look out, Gallagher! Stop kissing ass.
-BIess you.
Have a wonderful day.
-Thank you, Father.
Hey, nice talk, chief.
There you go.
Buy the wife something pretty.
Oh, Father, your homily was so moving today.
Thank you, Lois.
And thank you for the great job you did with the rummage sale for the needy Iast weekend.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
You know, I accidentally almost put a cashmere sweater in there.
Can you believe? What would one of them do with a cashmere sweater? You know, Lois, we also have a bake sale coming up, and we're short about eight pies.
Well, I'II hit the grocery store this afternoon and get to work.
Okay, Lois, bye! Bye, church! Bye, church guy! Bye, unending conversation! Bye, terrible church people! Bye! My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean, Iook, there's a Iion in overalls on the aluminum foil.
I mean, who is that for? No, Lois, don't get that one! Get the one with the Iion in overalls! Oh, my God, Iook! It's Joyce Kinney from Channel Five.
Excuse me, Miss Kinney? I don't mean to bother you, but my name is Lois Griffin.
I am a huge fan, and I just think you are doing a fantastic job.
And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, Iet me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me.
Yeah, no, you're fine.
Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say.
You know, it's my first anchoring job, and I'm trying to make a good impression.
I Iove the "Child of the Month" segment.
We just watched that one with the Iittle goofball who thought he was going to be a doctor.
I can't believe I'm actually meeting you.
You know, the news is so much better with you on it.
Well, you know, Lois, I'm on my way back to the station after Iunch.
I'd be happy to give you a tour.
Oh, my goodness.
That'd be wonderful.
Why don't you come down to the station around 6:00? You can watch the broadcast.
I'II see you then.
Oh, wait, wait.
Total BILF.
Yeah, so, going pretty good.
I got six pacifiers now.
That was a big nothing.
And Julie Andrews pleaded not guilty, saying that she brought the gun to the nightclub for protection.
And that's all for today's Channel Five News at 6:00.
Oh, I almost forgot.
That Iittle girl is still missing.
Do we have a picture? Do we We We don't? We don't have a picture? Okay, we don't have a picture.
But she's She's Puerto Rican.
So Iook out for a Puerto Rican.
We're clear.
That was so much fun to watch.
What a pro you are.
Lois, you've met Tom Tucker.
Oh, yes, of course.
I Ioved that piece you did on the invention of the guillotine.
Oh, thank you.
You know, half the time those things didn't really work.
-How was it, honey? -They couldn't finish.
-Oh, really? -Yeah, I got to go back tomorrow.
Oh, well, I made cabbage for dinner.
Yeah, that would be the ending to this day.
In here is our editor, Mike.
They Iet him smoke inside because all the smoke from his cigarette just floats directly back up into his face.
Hey, Joyce, when you get a chance, come take a Iook at the Weekapaug thing.
Oh, this is all so fascinating.
You must have so many stories.
Well, Iook, if you want to grab a drink with me Iater tonight, I'd be happy to tell you some.
Oh, my God, I would Iove to.
Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity.
Well, I think you're exaggerating.
No, you're a Iady big shot, Iike Miss Piggy.
Hey, Kermit.
What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch? Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now.
There's been a change.
-What? -There's been a change! We now return to EIIen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking.
So, you want to hear about my movie? -I had a great weekend.
-We spent three months -shooting in Louisiana.
-I danced all over my house.
And it's a thriller.
It's really a love story, too.
I try to dance in every room at least once a week.
I also listen to jazz while I vacuum, which is cool.
Anyway, it comes out Friday.
I got to work -with Julianna Margulies -My pets were going wild all weekend.
I think there 's, like, something in the air.
- who could not ha ve been nicer.
-Like smog or pollen.
Or pollinated smog, or Are you just gonna talk over -everything that I say? -I love talking on TV.
I'll I'll do anything to talk on TV.
Hiya, Iame asses.
We were having a nice time.
I'm just painfully aware that I'm the only member of this family who's going out for drinks with a celebrity tonight.
What are you talking about? Joyce Kinney invited me out for drinks.
So just order a pizza or something, okay? See you guys Iater.
Man, I hate calling that pizza place.
They don't speak English, and they always mess up the order.
It's Iike trying to give my cell phone number to the housekeeper.
Okay, I'm expecting a very important delivery at the house.
So, could you please call me if it arrives? I'II give you my cell number.
No problem.
Give me number.
401-555-1 125.
Four Four, zero Four, four, zero No, no, I was just repeating the four.
One four.
One, four AII right, Iet's start over.
Four, zero, one.
-Zero -One.
-Four, zero, one.
Five, five, five.
That was painless.
One, one, two, five.
One, one, two, five.
There you go, you got it.
-One, five, five.
-What? You say, "One one, two fives.
" One, five, five.
No, no.
Not one one and two fives.
Two ones.
Two, one, one, one, two, five.
Oh, my God.
How many ones? I'm not giving you quantities of the numbers, I'm giving you the numbers.
One, one, two, five.
Those are the Iast four numbers.
Okay, one One, one.
One, one.
Oh, I see.
One, one, two, five.
Yes! One, one, two, five.
AII right, now, read the number back to me.
Let me get my pen.
And that's why whenever I have sex without protection, I call it, "Taking a John Chancellor.
" Oh, my God, Joyce, you've got so many great stories.
Oh, come on, I'm sure you've done some crazy stuff in your time.
-Well -Oh, what is it? No, no, I can't.
Lois, I feel Iike we're really bonding here tonight.
Come on, Iet's hear it.
Well, I have had an abortion.
Oh, wake me up when you got something good.
Oh, my goodness, sarcastic sleeping.
That puts a Iot of pressure on me.
AII right, well, when I was in college, I was in an adult film.
Oh, my God, you did a porno? PIease, please, please do not say a word to anybody.
I have never told anyone that, not even my husband.
I promise, I'II take it to the grave.
But, oh, my God, Lois, that's hilarious! Do you have a copy? Oh, no, that movie's Iong gone.
Like the original ending to Grease.
We've been up here for four days.
Why did you drive the car into the air if you didn't know how to get it back down? Look, Sandy, it seemed Iike a good idea at the time.
Obviously, I didn't think ahead.
It's so cold.
Let's cuddle together for warmth.
I'm I'm I'm I'm warm enough.
Quick, we got to turn the channel.
I promised my friend Joyce I'd watch the news tonight.
FEMALE SINGER: Channel Five We're there for you When times are tough We'll help you through With news and sports and weather We'll always be together We're with you through it all Channel Five Holy shit, that just turned out awful.
Joyce, do your thing.
Thanks, Tom.
The very word conjures up images ofred-light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn-of-the-century pornograph machine.
Whoa, ho, ho! Sweet Mary! But it seems pornography has finally found its way to our neighborhood.
Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.
-What? -Mom, that's you! Boy, that black bar would be a Iot Iower now, huh? Huh? Huh? Would it not? Evidently, Lois Griffin, star citizen of Quahog, is also Lois Griffin, star ofQuest for Fur.
It just goes to show you never know what sort ofperson is living next door.
Tom? I can't believe this! Lois, you were in a porno? She totally betrayed me! I thought girlfriends were supposed to support each other.
Ha! SIut! How could you do that to me, Joyce? Oh.
Hello, Lois.
I told you that in confidence! You totally humiliated me! Well, then I guess now we're even.
What? What are you talking about? I never did anything to you! You really don't remember me, do you? Remember you? We went to high school together, Lois? Chemistry class? Freshman year? Joycie? You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong? Yes, but they'd never Iet that name on TV, so I changed it to Kinney.
You ruined my adolescence, Lois.
You told me I'd made the cheer squad, blindfolded me, and told me we were going for a special celebration breakfast.
When you took the blindfold off, I was standing in front ofthe entire school with my pants around my ankles and a hot dog in my mouth.
It was a horrible thing to do, Lois.
Look, Joyce, that was a Iong time ago.
And I'm very sorry for what I did.
But we're adults now, and that doesn't give you any reason to humiliate me Iike this.
Boo-hoo! You don't Iike it, you can go talk to a reporter.
Oh, my God.
I thought we were friends.
The kind of really good friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook.
Everyone, I think it's important that we talk openly about this.
Now, kids, you all know that your mommy once gave special on-camera penis kisses for money.
Am I Am I old enough for this conversation? It was back in a disgusting period known as the early '80s.
It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them.
I think there was actually more wind back then.
Hey, Lois, get back inside! This coke isn't gonna snort itself! Great party, Raoul.
I feel Iike I'm horking all your cocaine.
Hey, that's okay, Lois.
You can just buy the next bag, eh? Right, other guy? Oh, I couldn't afford that.
My daddy's making me pay for my own tuition this semester because I maxed out all my credit cards buying a copy of E.
at the video store.
It was $399.
Yeah, but you own it.
You can just watch that now.
And besides, I got another way you can make money.
So Raoul gave me a job at his pet store, but I still needed money.
One day I was cleaning a bird cage, and a porn producer came in, and, well, the rest you know.
I kind of feel Iike the part that we should have seen was You know what? Never mind.
It works.
Good Lord.
Am I a porn baby? Oh, I'm sure not.
They don't usually finish inside.
Your mom's in a porno! I saw her boobs! -Shut up! -Hey, Griffin, your mom's a whore! Come on, guys, knock it off! Yeah, Griffin, your mom's gross and nasty! -Hey! -Not cool! That's a dude's mom! Well, she's also my mom.
-Your mom's a whore! -Yeah! Suck it! -You're a whore-daughter! -Yeah, Griffin gets it! Boy, I'm really Iooking forward to this.
I really need some church after the week I've had.
-I'm actually sick.
You are no Ionger welcome here, Lois Griffin.
But, Father, I've been an active member of this church for Leave this house of God! But But I Iove the church.
It's an important part of my Iife.
Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a porn.
But, Father, I didn't mean Wait.
Did you say "a porn"? -Yes.
-Well, that's kind of weird.
-Why? Well, I mean, you'd either say, "You made porn," or "You made a porno.
" You don't say, "Made a porn.
" It just It hits the ear wrong.
Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time? Come on, Lois.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't care.
And what does it matter what those people in church think? I mean, most of them are just random background people we've never seen before anyway.
Half of them don't even move, the other half just blink.
Peter, that That's very sweet, but how am I supposed to Iive in this town if I'm a social pariah? What's that? Is that them Iittle fish that eat cows? Just Just Ieave me alone, please.
Hey, Lois, can I talk to you for a second? For the Iast time, Brian, there's no Iink to it anywhere online.
No, no, that That's not That's not what I'm here for.
Look, Lois, you did what you did, and there's nothing you can change about that.
But those people can only make you feel ashamed if you Iet them.
If you own the choice that you made, you take away all their power to make you feel bad about yourself.
What do you mean? Well, you remember a few years back, people used to make all those jokes about how Ryan Seacrest was gay? And then he started making those jokes himself, and now nobody makes those jokes anymore.
I mean, he's still gay, but now it's no fun to joke about it, because he He beat us to the punch.
My God! That Iittle pole-smoker's a fucking genius! and so did the Corinthians finally write back to Saint Paul, saying, "Dude, enough with the Ietters.
We have received them all, "and will get back to you when we have the time.
"And by the way, a Iot of the information you're asking for "is available online.
" Oh, Iook, everybody, it's the burning bush.
Hello, Father.
I thought I made it clear that you are no Ionger welcome here.
You know, I've been coming to this church for years.
I've heard all the stories.
Who did Jesus hang around with? Mary Magdalene.
And who was she? A prostitute.
Which means, if they had cameras back then, I bet she would have done a porno.
And if she did, I know that Jesus would have forgiven her.
Am I any worse than Mary Magdalene? And more importantly, are you all better than Jesus? I'm better than Jesus.
Okay, yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus.
But the rest of you The rest of you need to accept the fact that I made a simple mistake.
And here it is.
I know I'm a man of God, but that shit is hot! Oh, Iook at that.
See, now I'm really starting to get suspicious.
Somebody order a pizza? English - US - SDH