Family Guy s09e12 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Oh, hi, Bonnie.
What's up? Hi, Lois, I hate to bother you, but I'm going out of town for a few days to visit my father in the hospital.
I was hoping that while I was gone, you could Iook in on Susie and Joe.
And go have sex with Quagmire.
-Quagmire! -Quagmire! Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying.
Giggity Giggity Giggity! Well, of course, Bonnie.
I'd Iove to help.
Thank you so much, Lois.
No problem.
-Meg? Meg, sweetie? -Yeah, Mom? Bonnie wants you to Iook after Susie and Joe while she's out of town.
What? Why me? I don't want to have to do that.
And Bonnie said you are very pretty.
But I How did that come up? Oh! You know, we were talking about pretty people.
And I said Rachel Maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said Meg Griffin.
Who's Rachel Maddow? -A model.
-Oh.
Yeah.
Okay, I'II do it.
Well, you said it couldn't be done, Brian, but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in EI Segundo, California.
Look at your fucking face.
I hope you Iike egg, my friend.
Whoops! Hey, excuse me, fella? Yeah, what do you want, shrimp? Just a few moments of your time.
Hang on.
Let me just get this Iittle guy assembled.
So where you from? Newburyport.
What's it to you? Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from.
Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe.
AII right, I think we're all set here.
Wow.
Never seen that happen before.
What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times.
-Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle.
-What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing.
Brian, if you've got something to say to me AII right, I think you're going soft.
I mean, when was the Iast time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"? Hey, I got a Iot on my plate, man.
I'm Iearning to use the toilet, I'm Iearning what shapes are.
I spent half an hour Iaughing at my own feet yesterday.
Yeah, you're Iosing it, man.
You're Iosing your edge.
Well, I don't care for your tone and I'd say you deserve a good kick in the Look! Brian, Iook at them! Come in.
Drop it, creep-o! Don't move, Catherine Deneuve! Freezerino, Paul Sorvino! What are you doing, Mr.
Swanson? I'm trying out some cop entrances.
We all have to come in with three new ones on Monday.
What can I do for you, Meg? Oh.
Well, I'm here to help you out while Bonnie's gone.
Oh, great.
Do you have any experience helping out people with special needs? Well, I did work for that old Iady down the street.
Meg, could you come here, please? What is it? Could you see if I'm getting a bed sore on my back? Sure.
It Iooks fine to me, ma'am.
Thank you, dear.
I must have just slept on it wrong.
I stole Meg's cutaway.
What the hell is going on in here? Well, Brian, I thought about what you said at the park, and I've decided you're right.
I have gone soft.
I've Iost my sadistic streak.
So I've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side.
AII right, shall we take this thing for a spin? Now, when I say so, hit that button.
Okay, hit it.
Well, how do you feel? I don't know.
I don't feel any different.
Well, why don't you try insulting me? Yeah, okay.
Sometimes you chase helicopters.
-That's kind of Iame.
-Yeah.
Um Besides, I do that to protect the house.
Helicopters are going to hurt us, and I make them stay away.
You know what? Didn't Iook at it that way.
Thank you for protecting us.
Look, your machine obviously didn't work.
It just needs a few adjustments, that's all.
Come on, help me get some of Peter's tools out of the gay-rage.
97, 98, 99, 100.
Thanks, Meg.
I really appreciate you helping me out these past couple of days.
Sorry I bit you yesterday.
That's okay.
I guess now I know not to get too close to your bowl, right? Yeah.
I know you're not trying to hurt me, but part of me doesn't know.
Oh, my God, is it 7:50? Damn it, I missed the bus.
Well, that's all right, Meg.
I can drive you to school.
That'd be great.
Thanks.
But before we go, I got to make a stool.
Sometimes it needs a Iittle coaxing though.
There's some seed in the kitchen.
Just put it in a Iittle pile on the floor.
I'm gonna go get my books.
So, how are your academics going? Good.
Real good.
That Puerto Rican street gang give you any trouble on your way home from school? -What Puerto Rican street gang? -You're welcome.
Hang on, there's a red Iight.
Got to hit the brakes.
So, I hear you teenage girls are pretty hot on that Nic Cage.
Er No, not really.
Okay.
Hey, can you tell me what Lady Gaga is? Is that a band, or a soda, or a store, or one of those terms Iike "donkey punch"? No.
Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? I don't think so.
Well, whatever it is, I Iike it.
Green Iight.
Is it hard being a paraplegic? Well, it's no picnic.
Unless your version of a picnic is being the basket.
Well, you seem Iike you have a good attitude about it.
Yeah, you know, it's Iike we handicapped people say, "When Iife ruins your Iegs, you just got to make Iegonade.
" I can sort of relate to that.
You know, sometimes it's really hard being me, and I guess I just make Megonade.
That sounds disgusting.
AII right, we're here.
This is my school.
Yeah, isn't that where you wanted to go? Well, yeah, but most times people just drop me off a block away, so they don't have to be seen with me.
That's gay.
I don't mind being seen with you.
-You don't? -Of course not.
Wow.
Well, I better go.
I don't want to be tardy.
That's not going to happen from missing one class.
People are born that way.
Now run along, or you'II be Iate.
Hey, who's that, your boyfriend? Yeah.
Yeah, that's my boyfriend.
Well, I'm happy for Meg.
Why, because she finally has somebody? No, because she finally has some Iines.
-You know you're my closest friend.
-Really? Yeah, we can't be more than six inches apart.
The first one was enough.
Meg, honey, do you want some breakfast? I don't have time.
I have to get over to the Swansons'.
You sure? Aren't you hungry? Thanks, Mom.
But I want to be there when he first gets up.
-He's so cute.
-What? I Um I mean, she's so cute.
Susie.
She's all right.
Jesus, you scared me.
What happened to your clothes? Hey, what are you doing? Ahhh! Brian, have you seen Whoa, what the hell happened to you? Easy, easy, man, easy.
What the hell is your problem? Me? What did I do? You're the one going all Michael Hutchence over here.
You just stay away from me, you psychopath.
Hey.
Ow! Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe.
What? Oh, my God.
Good Lord! I am a genius.
What is it? Don't you see, Brian? My machine did work.
It created an evil clone of me.
That's why I didn't feel more evil.
AII the evil energy went into him.
Well, kill it.
It almost choked me to death.
I shall do no such thing, Brian.
It must be studied.
If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup.
Evil Stewie, come with me.
We're going to run a few tests on Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Meg, you're here early.
Oh, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work.
Well, thanks.
What's with the getup? Nothing.
I just wanted to Iook sexy for Susie.
How are your eggs, Joe? Ifhe doesn't say anything about me calling him "Joe, " that means we 're truly in love.
She just called me "Joe.
" That's kind of weird.
But I'll just let it slide.
She 's got nothing going on.
Besides, what harm could it do? They're delicious, Meg.
Thanks.
You're welcome, Joe.
Shit, I should have said something.
He let me say it twice now.
It's like we 're married.
This is Patrick Stewart.
How are you liking the program so far? What makes you think we're gonna find Evil Stewie here? Well, you recall that boy who knocked over my sand building.
This is his house.
And since the clone has the exact same memories that I have, my guess is he'II show up here to exact his revenge.
Here he comes.
Get down.
He's in.
Hey.
What are you doing here, dork? Hey, cut it out, man.
-What's he doing? -I don't know.
Just giving him a noogie.
Pretty harmless.
Maybe we misjudged.
Wait.
Why is his knuckle getting red? Oh, my God.
Hey.
Enough.
Stop.
Here come the parents.
That's an adult ear.
My God, Stewie, we have to destroy that thing or it's just gonna keep killing people.
Oh, my God, a baby! Are you okay? -Hi, honey.
-What? What'd you say? I just said hi.
Is that Is that Bonnie's dress? Oh, yeah.
Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home, so I just threw this on.
I hope that's okay.
Yeah, it's fine, I guess.
Oh.
Here's that juice box you asked for.
Thanks, Meg.
Oh, er -What's wrong? -Nothing.
It's just that I Iike to put the straw in myself.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Here.
Yeah.
It's not the same now.
I'II I'II just get another one.
I'II get it! Hello.
Hi, Meg.
It's Bonnie.
How is everything going there? -Great.
-Has Joe died? -What? No.
-That's good.
I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he 'll be fine.
That's great.
I'II tell him.
I'll be flying back first thing in the morning.
That's great, too.
Okay, bye, Bonnie.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Who was that? Prank call.
Y eah, I get a Iot of those.
I can never figure out who it is.
-Who is this? - Wheely-wheely stupid head, bet you wish that you were dead.
Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know! What, are you gonna report me on your can 't-walkie-talkie? I'm gonna hang up now.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin.
AII right, three more.
Ma'am, is this your bag? I don't know how that cocaine got in there.
Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed weapon.
I'm gonna have to place you under arrest.
Oh, my goodness, how did that get in there? You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am.
What happened to the coke? There's no coke in here.
Oh, fuck, Ricardo's gonna kill me.
This is nice, Joe.
A night out, a good dinner.
Thank you so much.
Well, I wanted to do something special.
Show you how much I appreciate all the hard work you've been doing.
It's been my pleasure.
So, Iisten, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
What's that? Do you ever think about having another baby? I don't know.
I guess I'm open to it.
Really? Oh, that's great! So, I'II get off the pill What do you mean? Nothing.
Nothing.
Forget it.
I I think I'm just a Iittle scattered tonight.
I'm probably just PMS-ing.
Oh, grody.
Hey, this is supposed to be a fun night.
What's wrong with you? You know, I could ask the same of you.
We haven't made Iove in two weeks.
We haven't made Iove ever! Great! Now you've upset the baby! Oh, God! This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.
This is ridiculous.
Evil Stewie could be anywhere.
You know, this really is all your fault.
If you hadn't told me I was going soft, I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a murderer.
For all we know he could be killing someone else right now.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah! Listen, guys, I got something to tell you.
And I don't really know how to break it to you, so I'm just going to come right out and say it.
Meg has a crush on me.
Oh, my God! Get over yourself! Well, Iook, all I'm saying is, I remember when Brian had a similar difficulty with Meg.
Maybe she's prone to quick and severe infatuation.
Yeah, with a dog, not a cripple.
Hey, easy there.
AII right, Iook, maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I misread a few of Meg's signals.
Sorry I bothered you.
Excuse me, Lois, I have to go make a phone call.
Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg Iikes you.
Who is this? How are you getting this information? Oh, my God, Joe was here.
Yeah, he just Ieft.
I know.
I can feel him.
I can smell him.
Mmm! I can taste him.
Okay, I get the smell part.
But, Meg, I think we have to have a talk.
Sweetheart, you don't You don't have a crush on Joe, do you? Um I don't know.
Oh, my God, you do have a crush on him.
What, Mom? Why shouldn't I Iike him? When I'm with him, he makes me happy.
And he needs me.
Meg, you're fooling yourself.
It's classic FIorence Nightingale Syndrome.
You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection.
But think about it, Meg.
You two have nothing in common.
You know, you're right, Mom.
I hear you Ioud and clear.
Ahhh! Meg, what the hell did you do? I made us the same, Joe.
We're exactly alike, you and I.
Now we can be together.
My God, we have to get you to the hospital.
No, but I mean after soccer practice.
You got anything planned for then? I mean, nothing, nothing.
Keep walking.
You don't know me.
The doctor says you're going to be fine.
And your family's on the way.
But that was a crazy thing you did, Meg.
I know.
I'm I'm so sorry.
I just wanted us to be closer.
Meg, I know you took my gun from the drawer, I know you planted it in Bonnie's Iuggage, and I know that you breast-fed Susie.
I know 'cause I was there when you did that, and I know that you know that I was there but I just wanted to bring it up again because it was really weird.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Swanson.
I guess I just thought that if Mrs.
Swanson was out of the way, we could be together.
Look, Meg, I do care for you, but I care for you Iike I would a niece or a good friend's daughter.
I feel Iike such an idiot.
Don't.
I'm Iucky to have you as a neighbor, and even Iuckier to have you as a friend.
Thanks.
I'm Iucky to have you as a friend, too.
When is Bonnie coming home? I have to apologize to her.
-Well, you can apologize right now.
-Hi, Meg.
Bonnie, I'm so sorry I got you arrested.
No, it's all right, Meg.
Look, I was a teenage girl with a crush at one time myself.
I know sometimes it makes you Iose touch.
Thanks for being so understanding.
I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble.
I mean, you're not gonna go to jail or anything, are you? No, I'II be around.
I need these voice-over checks to support my gambling addiction.
Evil Stewie? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, I'm completely defenseless right now.
Okay, there you are.
Well, this is a gift, Brian.
Thank you for making it so easy.
Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor.
I've had enough.
I can't Iive with that stupid family anymore.
Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya? Delighted to oblige, Brian.
Oh, come on, not this thing! Really? Brian, it's me, Stewie.
Shoot him! No! Brian, you know me.
Look at me.
Shoot him.
AII right, there's only one way to settle this.
Look at your feet.
Why? They're just feet.
What are they doing down there? They're Iike Ieg hands! -Nice job, man! -Wow! That was really brilliant.
Thanks.
Just glad this nightmare is over.
And I'm really glad I didn't kill the wrong Stewie.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, come on, I'II take you home.
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