Family Guy s09e14 Episode Script

Tiegs for Two

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Peter, I need you to pick up the dry cleaning.
Here's the ticket.
It's the Chinese one over on EIm.
AII right.
Well, I need my other white shirt back anyway.
This one's getting kind of smelly.
And if I wore another color, I think it would just throw people.
You only have two white shirts? Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J.
Fox's house.
Hi.
I'm Peter Griffin.
Now, we were going to show you the actual scene, but it would just make us all sad.
So, I'm just gonna tell you what happened.
See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a Iot, and what with all the shaking, he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt was ruined.
So, that's what that was.
I mean, he was very nice about it.
He said, "Send me the bill.
" I mean, that's not how he said it, but You know, we got there.
Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check, but it's I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this.
I don't You'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, you know? 'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now? I don't think he's got the Ieverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore.
I mean, that's That's where it's gotten.
So Anyway, that's what happened to my shirt.
I'm glad we took the high road on this one.
What's that? Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do want to show it.
I really Iike the finish on this Shiraz Son of a bitch! What is your problem? Damn! Which one's the Chinese one? That's probably it.
You stop make bing-bong! Every bing-bong two cent! What you want? Yeah.
I'm here to pick up my cleaning.
Cool, Iook at that! This seems Iike it'd be a great place to work.
But I I didn't go to college.
That $20.
Hey, I think you forgot my shirt.
-There no shirt.
-No, I know you have my white shirt.
-Can you check again? -No need check.
I no have your shirt.
Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.
-I no have your shirt.
-You yes have my shirt! -You get out my store! -You get me shirt! -You go or I call police! -You no dare call police! Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big -91 1! -Fine! I go.
But this no over.
I take picture of Ang Lee.
Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! You no come back, ever! I no Iike you American! And all you American Iook alike! Oh, we all Iook alike, do we? Well, Iook who's talking! What do you mean we can't go there anymore? Who gives a crap? We'II get a new cleaners.
-They're all the same.
-They are not all the same! Peter, I have been going to Mr.
Washee-Washee for 10 years, and I am not finding another dry cleaner.
He knows the way I Iike my clothes, and he's very skilled.
Now, we are gonna invite him over for dinner, and you are going to apologize.
AII right, but I don't want him scoping out our house Iooking for other things to steal.
So when he gets here, I'm gonna blindfold him with this dental floss.
Racial slur.
Peter, isn't there something you'd Iike to say to Mr.
Washee-Washee? -No -Peter.
Fine! Mr.
Washee-Washee, I am sorry I was rude at your store.
It's okay.
I accept your bad apology.
-Good.
Now give me back my shirt! -Peter! -I no have your shirt! -You yes have my shirt! Enough! You all banned from my store! Bing-bong! Great, Peter.
Nice going.
This dinner was a disaster.
Eh.
Clash ofthe Titans'owl was worse.
So, you're from Greece? I've always wanted to go there.
What's it Iike? I can't I can't understand a word he's saying.
Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can.
If you're gonna invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin.
I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.
The Mr.
Sulu Show! Sulu, he star ofthe show Other guys just along for the ride He's got my shirt in there, I can feel it.
AII right, I'm going inside.
I knew it! Drop it, or I blow you head off! Listen, Washee-Washee, that's my shirt, and I ain't Ieaving here without it.
-That no your shirt! -Oh, yeah? Okay, it's not my shirt.
You break in my house, I can kill you Iegally.
Fine, shoot me! But you're gonna ruin the shirt.
Take off shirt! Take one step closer, and I'II kill the shirt myself! You bluff.
No! Don't hurt shirt! Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
How do you propose we settle this? -We have fight.
But I pick venue.
-Deal.
Round One.
Fight! You lose! -Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin.
-Wait over there.
Not the best way to spend a Thursday night, huh? You can say that again.
I was hoping to be at this Democratic Party fundraiser.
Oh, God, is that tonight? You know, I promised Barry I'd be there.
I call him "Barry," you probably know him as "Barack.
" Um.
Yeah.
So, what are you doing here? I'm picking up my friend Peter.
Are you picking up a boyfriend? No, actually.
I got arrested for protesting the Walmart opening.
Yeah.
I went to the first part of that, but then some fireworks went off and I ran for two miles straight.
-I'm Denise.
-I'm Brian.
Hey, would you mind if I asked for your number? Who knows? Maybe we could get arrested together.
Sure.
I'd Iike that.
Number 3287.
Come on, Peter.
I'm here to take you home.
I don't know, Brian.
This is the only world I know anymore.
Peter, you've been in there for 15 minutes.
Good morning, everyone.
Oh, crap, he's in Iove again.
I know, I know.
But this time it's for real.
You know, I really feel Iike Denise is the girl I've waited my whole Iife for.
Oh, please, you've only known her a week.
Besides, I thought Jillian was the girl you waited your whole Iife for.
Well, Jillian was.
But I'II never get her back.
But Denise I really think there's something special there.
Brian, you went to one protest rally with her.
-It's hardly a date.
-Oh, yeah? You want to see? I'II call her right now and ask her out to dinner.
Hey, Denise? It's me.
Brian.
Brian Griffin.
Hey, Iisten, you know, I've had such a great time hanging out with you, and I was thinking How about we go on an actual date? Sounds great! Bye.
-So? -Well, guess who has a date on Saturday? Not me.
Put the dog out.
The dog's crying.
Can someone put Lois, can someone put the dog out? I'm trying to read! What the hell? What's the matter with you? Did an ambulance go by or something? Hey, Brian Sweet! Morning drinking! Yeah! Party! Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun.
I'm drinking because I'm sad.
Because I'm never gonna meet the right woman.
Because I'm I'm going to die old and alone.
Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking.
Listen, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you take Quagmire's class on picking up chicks? Quagmire teaches a class? How come I've never heard about this? 'Cause Quagmire forbids us to tell you about his Iife.
As you may recall, he hates you.
Wouldn't help me anyway.
It's a hopeless situation.
If you ever want to get anywhere with this girl, you gotta ditch that negative attitude.
You're as bad as Negatron.
Do as I command, and we will defeat the Autobots once and for all! Nope.
Not going to work.
Oh, come on.
What did we talk about? Autobots always win.
You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead.
I'm taking this from a robot that turns into a canoe? When there's a battle on a gently-moving river, you'II want me.
Now, as I said before, I can't make you into studs.
I can only help you bring out your "inner stud.
" But there's a Iot of potential here.
Now how many of you guys think a woman is Iooking for Prince Charming? Wrong! They're Iooking for bastards Iike me! Mort, how many times you been Iaid since your wife died? -Do Muriel's clothes count? -No! You wanna know how many times I've been Iaid since Iast night? 60! Why? 'Cause I'm not trying to be a girl's Prince Charming.
I'm trying to be that big mistake they made at the bar Iast night.
Look, what's the first thing you say to a woman when you meet her? "PIeased to meet you.
That's a handsome scarf pin.
" No! You say, "Hi, there! "How's your relationship with your father?" If she says anything positive, move along.
Hey.
Sorry I'm Iate.
Brian! What are you doing here? -I'm in your class.
-What? No way! -I don't want you in here! -Too bad.
Here's my class receipt.
Now teach me how to find Iove.
AII right.
Fine.
But you Iick yourself once in this class, and you're out! Don't Iook, don't Iook! I spilled something.
AII right, time to practice what we've Iearned.
You're up, Brian.
Now go hit on that fat chick.
-What? Why? -Do it or you get an F.
AII right.
Excuse me.
I was just Iooking you over, and I had a question.
Are those highlights in your hair or potato chips? -Highlights! -Okay.
Hey, will you sign this form that says I hit on you? Sassy! You've got me sweating above and below my ass.
Let's go, Iover.
-Okay, what the fuck? -I know, I know.
Quagmire told us to dress flashy so girls would notice us.
Oh, right, peacocking.
How's the class going? Well, so far so good, I guess.
But tonight's the real test.
I'm gonna try out what I've Iearned on Denise.
Well, good Iuck.
Hey, who was that fat chick sneaking out of here this morning? Oh, that was someone I met from class.
Bettina.
Ooh, that's way too fancy a name for her.
Her name should be "Thud" or "Oof.
" You know, I have to admit, Brian, I'm glad you called.
-I sort of missed hanging out.
-Call me The Paw.
That's what I go by now, The Paw.
-Oh, okay.
-Yeah.
A Iot of babes here tonight.
Shut up for a couple of minutes, I'm gonna Iook around.
Brian, you're being kind of disrespectful.
Relax, baby.
Hey, check your phone.
I sent you something.
Oh, my God! Is that your Yeah.
How'd you Iike to get hit in the face with that? Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go.
Why, you getting more moles put on? You know, I came here 'cause I thought I'd made a mistake by not giving you a chance, but it's obvious you're just another typical jerk.
Denise, wait Hey! Oh, my God! Two nights in a row! -Oh, hi, Bettina.
-Thanks for the sex Iast night.
But, just so you know, you didn't really get in.
AII right, Iet's see what you guys have done to make yourselves Iook Iike douchebags.
Mayor West, come up here.
AII right, good.
Looks good.
AII right, I'm a hot chick in a club.
What do you say to me? You're not attractive, but I'II do you as a favor.
Lucky for you! Hey, Paw, you're Iate.
You're a son of a bitch.
You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women, and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my Iife! These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot.
This course is in getting Iaid, not finding Iove.
So, what's the point? If you never find Iove, then it's just meaningless sex.
How will I get the woman of my dreams? Only when you're ready.
And maybe not even then.
You see, women are a Iot Iike Saturday Night Live sketches.
Lots of them are awful, some are decent, and a few are pretty good.
But then there's that one That one woman who's as amazingly perfect as "Massive Head Wound Harry.
" For me, that woman is Cheryl Tiegs.
You'd never fall for these tricks.
That's why I keep trying to figure out how to bring you back into my Iife, so we can make it work.
I still remember the day we met.
Look at the man on the unicycle.
Look at the man on the unicycle with a parrot on his shoulder.
Put five cents in the hat.
That's quite a skill you've got there.
Well, ever since I got discharged from the Navy, I do anything I can to make money.
I'm thinking about getting my pilot's Iicense.
Well, I think unicycles are sexy.
GIenn, these past few weeks have been amazing.
I think I'm falling in Iove with you.
I know.
I feel the same way.
If this is the kind of joy the '80s has in store for me, I'm ready.
But that wasn't the case.
In fact, things went wrong real fast.
Cheryl, don't you think it's time for us to go now? Why? We just got here? I'm having a good time.
Y eah, I can tell.
You've been talking to John Davidson for half an hour.
Hey, GIenn, great to meet you.
John Davidson, host of That's lncredible! Oh, hey, John.
I Iike your work Not! That was the first time anybody ever used that.
First time, I swear to God.
GIenn, I've about had it with your petty jealousy.
I'm starting to think this relationship is a mistake.
Well, maybe it is.
Wow, did you just break up with Cheryl Tiegs? I sure did.
What do you think of that, folks? That's incredible! Someday Someday we'II make it right.
You shouldn't have tried these tricks on Denise, Brian.
But if you ask me, she got Iucky, because now she's dodged the bullet of being in a relationship with a Ioser Iike you.
Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? You're Iike a black woman in hindsight.
I told you.
What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? 'Cause I told you.
Mmm-hmm.
And when did I tell you? A Iong time ago.
And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.
Are you Cheryl? -Hi, GIenn.
-Oh, my God.
Cheryl, what are you doing here? Well, you know, it's been so many years, and I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd just drop by and say hi.
My new boyfriend I guess knows you, and told me where you Iive.
Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass over here before I dump you.
He's so bossy.
I Iove it.
Well, it was great seeing you, GIenn.
Where is he? Where's that son of a bitch? What's going on, Quagmire? You dirty bastard.
I always knew you were Iow, but you're nothing more than a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.
What the hell, man? My whole Iife's been dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs! -Yeah, I know.
So what? -Your dog is dating her! No way.
You're banging Cheryl Tiegs? -Yeah.
-Oh, my God.
Light the beacons.
Cheryl Tiegs.
Nice.
-I really Iike this restaurant.
-You seem to Iike everything.
-Brian, you're acting a Iittle distant.
-Yeah, get whatever you want.
Oh, hey, guys, fancy me running into you here.
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
Listen, Brian, I've been a real heel, and I'd Iike to make it up to you.
Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but there's no need.
No, no, I want to.
I want to.
In fact, you know, since you guys are already here, I'd Iike to treat the four of us to dinner.
Well, sure, I Wait, who's the fourth? Oh, my new girlfriend.
Here she is.
-Jillian? -Hi, Brian.
How are you? Oh, he's doing great.
Isn't that right, pal? Guy Iooks Iike a million bucks, all green and wrinkly, right? Oh, get in here.
Okay, Iet's have dinner, huh? So, how did you guys get together? He showed up at my door and said he was a Federal Boob Inspector.
And I was gonna tell him to go away, but he had a warrant.
It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian.
I held up a Snickers wrapper.
But then he started saying things to me that my father might say if he were still alive, and I knew I Iiked him.
Well, I guess you guys have gotten pretty close, huh? Did Quagmire ever tell you he was obese as a child? Did Brian ever tell you he once had a tick on the back of his neck that he couldn't reach with his mouth, and it swelled up to the size of a Ping-Pong ball? Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your Iip for three years.
Oh, three years? You mean Iike the three years you have Ieft on this planet? Oh, that's nice.
Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women.
And Cheryl should know that you took that class.
Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr.
Quagglecheck? You son of a bitch! Enough.
Stop it, both of you.
You obviously have no respect for either of us.
Yeah, you're acting all mean.
Now I'm glad you made me face away during sex.
Brian, you've been using me.
You're right, Cheryl, he's just a user.
And you, GIenn.
I was always waiting for you to grow up, but you're still that unicycle street performer with a dream in his eye and a parrot on his shoulder.
That parrot's still alive, you know? Those fucking things Iive forever.
Maybe you boys will get it together someday, but it Iooks Iike that's all you are.
Boys.
Yeah.
Boys.
Yay, I helped.
-Cheryl, wait.
-Jillian.
I'm sorry.
I'II do anything, please! -Meg? -Yeah, this still happens sometimes.
Hey.
-You okay? -Yep.
Just waiting for my car.
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did.
Cheryl's great, and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
No.
I'm never gonna get that chance again.
I blew it for good, Brian.
And you know what? I deserve to be Ionely.
I'm no saint.
I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
It's okay.
It probably wouldn't have worked out, Iike everything else.
Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls -to finally become friends.
-Yeah, maybe.
Oh, hey, Iisten, Cheryl actually drove me, and I spent all my cash in the restaurant, even though you said you'd pay.
So, would you mind giving me a Iift home, buddy? English - US - SDH