Family Guy s10e05 Episode Script

Back to the Pilot

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Oh, hey, there you are.
Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see.
What is it? This.
I found it in the yard.
A tennis ball.
That's very impressive, Brian.
Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood.
They'll be jealous.
You son of a bitch.
And this is nothing.
There's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it.
Buried it years ago.
I just can't remember where.
I'd give anything to find it, though.
Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, I suppose I could help you out.
I remember the exact day.
January 31, 1999.
Very well, follow me, Brian.
Watch out for Ernie.
He's getting a CAT scan.
Well, here we are.
That's odd.
It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different.
Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look.
You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.
That's nothing.
Look at you.
You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.
The mind control device is nearing completion.
Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Oh, don't pout, honey.
You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
But of course.
That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille.
Return the device, woman! Geez.
What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? You know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.
Hey, wait a minute, Stewie.
That's the spot! That's where I buried my tennis ball! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here.
Just make a mental note of where you buried it, and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then.
- Why? - Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past.
You know, I never got that.
I mean, w-wouldn't you want to alter the past? I mean, you could make life better for yourself.
And not just for yourself, for everyone.
You-You could stop 9/11.
Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is: Do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire.
Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap.
That guy changed the past all the time! Whoa, ass ahoy.
Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.
What's the occasion? Ew, I remember this.
Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.
Come on, you're worrying about nothing.
Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.
Wait, what are they doing? I don't know.
They're just standing there like zombies.
Do you think they're all right? I-I'm not sure.
And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
They're doing it again.
What the hell? I-I'm at a loss.
I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? That is so creepy.
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? Oh.
They're do-- they're setting up (bleep) cutaways.
Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Yeah, I mean, now, we just like return text messages and screw around and whatnot.
Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow.
That new boss has it in for me.
He's meaner than a shifty salesman.
You sure you got time to smoke? Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington.
It goes on for a while.
All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried.
Now let's get back to our own time.
Okay, get the return pad.
Let's go.
Not out here in the open.
Someone could see us.
Remember? No altering the timeline? Come on, let's get up to my room.
Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak.
Will it screw up the timeline if my future pee goes in a past toilet? Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet.
One splash on a magazine in there, and we're getting chased by dinosaurs.
Looks more or less the same.
Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books.
I forgot about these.
You Poop Now.
Horton Hears a Suicide.
The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame.
Oh, there you are.
All right, come on, Brian.
Let's get out of here.
Blast, that draggle-tailed, blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! Who the deuce does she think she is?! Quick, Brian, hide! I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich, whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny! Oh.
Who the deuce are you? Uh, well, I'm, uh I'm you.
You look like me, but that's utterly impossible.
I'm afraid it's true.
I'm you from the future.
I've traveled back in time.
That's absurd.
Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future.
I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog.
It is you! Okay, bye, Lois.
I'm going to the stag party.
Brian, you might as well come out now.
He knows everything.
Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Where'd you get that? The Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do.
I've kind of slacked off a little bit.
How's the party? Looks like fun.
Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? Right here.
- You win! - All right! - What do I win? - Another beer! Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here.
Oh, look at that.
There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years.
TV's not even plugged in.
What is this? Where the hell are we? The air is electric here at Super Bowl 33 tonight.
- Stewie, what's going on? - I don't know.
For some reason, the time machine didn't take us back to the present.
We're still in 1999.
Wait a minute.
I remember this.
I think I'm up in that blimp.
You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? 'Cept for the South.
Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way.
The batteries are almost depleted.
Are those D batteries? Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, I found a way to convert it so it takes D batteries instead of uranium.
Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me.
Did you? I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! Do you, do you have pockets? Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute.
The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Quick, Brian, get on! Whoa, crash ahoy.
Oh, God! Now where are we? Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake.
Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud.
Huh? Oh, hey.
You're the Kool-Aid Guy.
What are you doing? Just waiting.
For what? I'm just waiting, dude-- relax.
Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? Guys, d-don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up.
Griffin, I think your words have touched us all.
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no! So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? It's just the liquid? Yeah.
Yeah, it's just the liquid.
Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? All right, fine.
Tilt your head back, and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth.
Oh, now I don't want it.
Oh, crap! Did I miss it?! Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times; he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! You guys did this! You guys (bleep) did this! Talking about my guts?! me up?! you! Okay, this is good.
We got the D batteries.
Let's get back to the present.
All right, get on.
We made it.
Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey.
Brian, there you are! Come quick, they're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news.
Statue?! For what? What do you think, Mr.
National Hero? For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country.
Oh, you-- I can't even express how mad I am at you right now.
If it wasn't for you, those planes would've hit the World Trade Center.
Brian, what the hell did you do?! I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11.
What did I tell you about altering the past?! Wait-Wait, when did you even do that? Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? Brian, you shouldn't have done that.
Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us.
Saddam Hussein could be president.
Mexico could be the world's dominant super power.
Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! What is this? Cookiebook.
Brian! Hurry, it's starting! Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
Our top story: Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever.
That's right, Tom.
It was ten years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was thwarted by Quahog's own Brian Griffin.
This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called-- holy (bleep), look at all those vowels-- Al Qua-aye-eeda.
Make sure you get all this.
Time to terrorize the terrorists.
You prepared catch phrases for yourself? No.
Not necessarily.
Mohammed Atta stayed home.
Nobody knows that guy's name yet.
You're using information that nobody knows.
Houston, we have a solution.
Houston's for space, not everyday air travel.
Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast.
Seacrest out.
What a hero.
Coming up next in sports: Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team? Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you.
Yeah, buddy.
Great job stopping those terrorists.
And thank God their follow-up attack on St.
Louis was a bust.
We missed! Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly.
Stewie, it's fine.
I prevented 9/11.
How could that possibly be a bad thing? I mean, come on, I-I saved, like, 200 lives.
Wow! 3,000?! Oh, you knew what you were doing there.
This major breaking news just in.
Nine Southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States.
The announcement came from former President George W.
Bush, who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid.
Bush lost in 2004? Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11.
Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement.
If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, I'd very much like to see what's inside of there.
I think we have the wrong clip.
What? No? It this? Uh, okay, that was George W.
Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states.
Oh, my God! Civil war? See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about.
Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly.
In fact, I bet, five years from now, the world will still be better off for what I did.
Is that so? Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong.
This is the future? Everything looks slicker.
Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape.
I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it.
That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story.
Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? Hey, Peter.
Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set.
You know, I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street.
Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia.
Chris, I heard you got a "D" on your report card.
Here's a cutaway.
Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
Good Lord! What's happened to us? Okay, maybe things seem a little off, but other than that, the world seems okay.
Which proves my point.
Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine.
Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.
Brian, you might want to look outside.
Oh, my God! Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! Pebble in my shoe.
Pebble in my shoe.
Nice work, Bri.
Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg.
Freeze, Frogmire.
You are out past curfew, and therefore, in violation of local ordinance.
What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern Seaboard.
It killed 17 million people.
- Including Cesar Millan.
- No! Okay, okay, I get it-- Stewie, I screwed up.
All right? I shouldn't have altered the past.
Is there anything we can do? Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11.
Okay, let's do it.
Whoa, ass ahoy.
All right, look, there we are.
Hey, uh, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.
What's the occasion? Stop! Both of you! What the hell? Who are you? We're you, from the future.
Oh, boy, this can't be good news.
Who screwed up? Take a wild guess.
- What did I do? - Well, nothing yet, but listen.
Whatever you do, you cannot tell your former self-- that Brian-- about 9/11.
If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist.
My God, Brian.
What the hell? We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America.
Okay, okay.
I promise I won't say anything.
Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, it really messes everything up.
All right, can we go now? Did that do it? Did we restore the past? Well, let's check.
" Oh, there it is.
We did it, Brian.
We made 9/11 happen.
High five! All right! All right! Yeah! High five! Wow, that that probably wouldn't look very good out of context.
There's the writer of the Harry Potter series.
Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? Yeah.
Well, laundrium insertum.
Huh? Oh, my God.
All right, you obviously have no self-control, so we've got to go back and do this again.
Whoa, ass ahoy.
All right, let's go.
Hey, uh, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
We were just here.
Wait! Who the devil are you? We're from the future.
So are we.
We're from the further future.
We came to stop you.
Why? What they did actually turns out to be damage-free.
It's what you're about to do-- stopping them-- that causes utter bedlam.
Oh, come on.
Wait! Stop! We're from the further further future.
What you guys do eventually works out.
It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! Stop! Don't do anything! Oh, for God's sake.
We're from the further further further future.
What these two do is fine.
It's what you two do that makes things worse.
- Stop! - Wait! - Hold it! - Stop! - Wait! - No! Hold it! Stop! I don't know what I'm doing here.
I'm just looking for the can.
- Don't move! - Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! - Wait! - No! Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! - Don't move! - Hold it! - Freeze! - Stop! - No! - Wait! Oh, my God.
What's that? I don't know what happened.
This is life for some reason.
Don't do whatever you're about to do.
God help us.
This is no way to live.
No, don't do it! Halt! All right, everybody, shut the hell up! All right, this is (bleep), all right? I can't follow what's going on anymore, and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either.
So let's make this easy and take a vote.
How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands.
One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine Okay, all right, looks like 42.
All right, who votes "yes 9/11?" Okay, all right, 57.
All right, 9/11 wins.
Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number? Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
What? What do you mean? I don't know-- one of them landed here with its throat slit.
But wait, if one of me is dead, then shouldn't all the me's be dead? Brian, I-I don't I it's I don't I don't know anymore.
I-I You know what? I guess not.
A-All right? Okay, listen up-- everybody, get back in your individual time machines very carefully.
Nobody touch anything.
No Harry Potter novels.
Don't step on a bug.
Don't give earlier yous investment advice.
Just go back to where you came from, and stay there! There.
Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place.
Get on.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this where we just were? Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet.
Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived.
Why? You'll see.
Get the (bleep) back in your time machine! Aah! Who are you? Never mind who I am! Just get back in your time machine, get back to the present, and stay there! Look, just calm down.
Aah! You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? Okay, okay! All right! God! You just talked to yourself.
Won't that alter the past? Don't worry, Brian.
If I was successful in restoring the past just now, you and I will never have existed.
The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased.
Is it going to hurt? Just a little.
Oh, God, my leg is killing me.
Well, time travel is risky.
Every time you step into that machine, you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it.
Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did.
I wonder what it was.
We'll never know.
But look on the bright side.
You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, but at least our present universe hasn't been affected.
Sorry, guys.
I'm gonna need the couch.
The gang and I are gonna watch the game.
All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.