Family Guy s10e08 Episode Script

Cool Hand Peter

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! So, Cleveland, you got to be pretty psyched about President Ubama, huh? W-What? Well, I mean, you remember how a lot of people said, like, "Oh, Ubama's not gonna be able to do it," but he's-he's hanging in there.
Peter, it's "Obama.
" Eh, You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama, who cares? It's a black guy in a suit, let's just marvel at that.
Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great having you back at The Clam, even if it's just for a week.
(ringtone): My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Oh, hang on, that's my cell phone.
Aw, Peter, you're using the song! Thank you.
Well, the numbers ain't so good, so we got to do everything we can-- Hello, Lois.
Peter, where the hell are you? You told me you were gonna clean out those boxes in the basement and put them in the attic.
Lois, it just sounds like busy work.
It is busy work.
I'm trying to keep you off the streets and off drugs.
I'm selling those candy bars! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you want to buy some candy bars so we can get some new uniforms for our baseball team? Where'd you get those candy bars? Peter, I need you home.
You also promised you'd fix that shelf in the garage.
Oh, Lois, I'm losing you.
(makes static noises) Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, hey, Lois.
This is somebody else now.
There must've been a cross connection.
My name is Mike, and I'm somewhere else trying to make my own call.
Fine, Mike.
You tell Peter he's in trouble when he gets home.
You can tell him yourself, because Mike is Peter! Oh, my God.
Are you serious? That was very good, Peter.
I know! (sighs) Geez.
That's all my life is lately, just a bunch of chores.
I'm sick of Lois always making me do stupid stuff.
I know what you're saying, Peter.
Bonnie's always making me do all these impossible household tasks.
BONNIE: Joe, make sure you get all the tire tracks out of the carpet.
Learn to live with it, Bonnie! There are tracks! People make tracks! Boy, I hear you, too.
It's a lot of work just to keep my single guy fridge sufficiently depressing.
Let's see.
Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait.
Root beer from two Julys ago.
Here we go, expired milk.
(chuckles) Oh, my God, Jenny, look how young you look.
I sympathize with y'all.
Donna makes me listen to Gayle King on XM Radio 19 hours a day.
I tried to kill myself by swallowing a nail clipper, but I passed it.
What the hell happened to us? We used to be able to do whatever the hell we wanted.
Now here we are, in the prime of our lives, and we're slaves to our women.
I know.
An exciting day for me is when I watch wheelchair porn.
Boy, do the sparks fly on those.
Oh, is it hot? Nah, it's mostly just chairs smashing into each other.
Sometimes the director has to come on camera just to turn the chairs around.
Well, why don't we make our own excitement? - What do you mean? - I don't know, like, maybe the four of us should do something to reclaim our freedom.
Like go on a road trip, find some adventure.
Quagmire, that's a great idea! Let's do a road trip! Who's in? No.
No, no.
No, n-not you, Seamus.
SEAMUS: Ah, poo.
All right, listen up, ladies.
We got something to say and we ain't taking "no" for an answer.
We are going on a road trip.
We don't know how long we'll be gone, and don't expect a call from us to check in.
This trip is about men being men.
We will drive after a couple of beers and not make a big federal case about it.
We're gonna sneeze and not put our hand over (bleep).
And there ain't nothing you can do to stop us! Yeah, okay with me.
- Sure.
- Fine.
That'll be nice.
It'll give us a chance to have some girl time.
Oh.
All right, then.
Where are you boys going? We're going to New Orleans.
The party capital of America.
Home of the All-You-Can-Pee Street.
I'll tell you one thing, it's all about the beads down there.
We all know what's going on here.
It's just implied, but we all know what's going on in this thought bubble.
The kids don't know, but we do.
Boy, I'm sure getting my money's worth out of this rental car.
Okay, all right, I got one.
Would you rather be a hobo with a five percent chance of getting inherited by a rich guy or be Hitler two years before the end of World War II? 'Cause you know you're gonna have to shoot yourself, but you still got two more years as Hitler.
If you're the hobo, do you, uh, have a place to sleep, like an underpass or? Different every night.
As Hitler, can I change certain policies so that maybe I'm looked on more favorably at the end of the war? No, you already screwed up big-time-- lot of dead Jews.
Am I a blue state or a red state hobo? Blue, but Midwestern blue.
Oh, boy.
(grumbling) I don't think so, it's cold out there.
Am I allowed to alter the mustache? Dude, why do you keep trying to make Hitler work? Am I allowed to kill other hobos to increase my odds? Kill anyone you like; you're a hobo.
Am I a walking hobo? No.
Quagmire and Cleveland are, but you're not.
So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler? Yeah.
Would I be a black Hitler? Yes.
No.
Well, wait a minute, now how come I got to be crippled Hitler and he's still white Hitler? If you got such a problem with it, Joe, just be the hobo! This one isn't very fun.
Wait a minute, where are we? Yeah, this doesn't look like the main highway anymore.
You think we made a wrong turn? I hope not.
These backwoods parts of the Deep South ain't a place you want to get lost in.
(siren wailing) Oh, no.
Don't worry about it, guys.
I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really want to be talked down to by big-shot Northerners.
Afternoon.
Officer, what is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.
You fellas ain't from around here, are you? Hey, Sheriff, I'm trying to learn Southern.
Is this saying anything? A-doy-doy-doy-doy! We're very sorry, Sheriff, and we want to cooperate to the fullest extent possible.
You threatening me? Uh, no, sir.
Who you calling "sir," boy? I'm an officer of the law, paid by this county.
And I can't help noticing you got a headlight out.
Really? I don't see any And I see that turn signal ain't working neither.
Now, look, sir, I'm a police officer, too.
I know all the games; I use them myself.
So what do you say we just work something out? So, you're a cop, huh? Let me see your badge.
Looks like you're a civilian now.
I'm gonna have to search your vehicle.
Well, lookie here.
What do we got in this thing? Oh, come on! You planted that there! We had drugs? Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk when I could've been driving high? You boys are in a lot of trouble.
Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols.
Bringing in four perpetrators under suspicion of drug possession.
Descriptions: one African-American, one crippled, one skinny, one handsome.
Yes.
You're all coming down to the station with me.
Aw, crap! Hang on, hang on, you guys.
Don't worry.
I know how to speak this guy's language.
Keith Urban.
Go on.
Brett Favre.
Uh-huh.
I'm listening.
William H.
Macy? You guys are going away for a long time.
Look at this, Cleveland.
Front of the bus, back of the bus, middle of the bus-- you guys are doing great.
I can't believe this.
Two weeks in prison on trumped-up charges.
That trial was a total sham.
Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury.
Well, at least they're a jury of our peers.
I don't think they see it that way, Peter.
Hello, gentlemen.
I am the warden.
You are here because you are criminals.
This is not a resort.
You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives.
And play harder, right? I bet.
Step forward, maggot! (grunts) Next time, that'll be you.
Well, why wasn't it him this time?! Oh, I'm so scared.
(grunting) Peter, stop it! Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't you? Okay, I'll stop now.
This is so much fun, isn't it? I know.
What should we talk about next? I know, let's talk about actresses.
Ooh, yeah.
I feel like Natalie Portman thinks she's so much better than everybody.
She's nothing, and her husband's a nobody.
Why does Laura Linney always look like she's just finished skiing? I don't know who that is.
Really? The Big C? Love Actually? No, never heard of her.
Would you know who she was if I said Tyler Perry's Laura Linney? Ooh, I love her.
Oh, God, it's so hot out here.
Yeah, you knew it was gonna be hot when you heard that lonesome slide guitar and that hawk's cry.
(guitar plays somber riff) (hawk screeches) Hey! This ain't break time! Get back to work! Gonna see Miss Liza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Liza Gonna go to Mississippi Gonna see Miss Liza Gonna go to Mississippi.
Man, listen to what the black guys are doing.
We need a white guy work song.
(lively music playing) Hello How are you? How's the folks? What's new? I'm great That's good Ha-ha Knock wood Well, well That's life What do you know? How's the wife? Got to run Oh, my Ta-ta Olive oil Good-bye.
(shoes tapping rhythmically) You Peter Griffin? Oh, yeah, thanks.
What the hell is that? It's a jet pack.
I'll come back for you guys, I promise.
You're my friend and everything and I feel bad saying this, but I wanted to see you fail.
Official prediction: when they let us out of here, we're gonna have to go through the prison gift shop.
(men grumbling) Oh, I hate doing that.
That's how they get you.
Man, it's gonna feel so good to walk out of here tomorrow.
Yeah, you know, the time actually went by faster than I would have thought.
Uh, you know something? We left Quahog to find adventure and get away from all those lame chores at home, but I'll tell you this.
Looking back on it now, I don't think our lives are so bad.
Yeah, I sure do miss Lois and the kids.
I'll tell you one thing.
When I get home, I'm gonna sleep like a log.
Hey, I'm gonna plug in the night-light if you don't mind.
Actually, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to not do that.
Knock off that chitchat! It's lights out! Oh, hey, Warden, since it's our last night in here, can I have a glass of milk? I feel like having dream diarrhea.
Last night? Where do you think y'all are going? Says here you got another What?! But the court said we're supposed to go home tomorrow! Well, the court ain't here, is it? (Warden laughs) Oh, man, how the hell are we gonna do this for another 30 days? (man chuckles) That's the way it goes around here.
Once you come in, you're never allowed to leave.
I got my sentence extended That was 45 years ago.
Oh, my God, you hear that? We're gonna be stuck in here forever! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
If we're gonna be here a while, I'm gonna find the biggest guy here and kick his ass.
Wait a minute.
That's me! Oh, no, I have a knife! Oh, what are we gonna do?! They're gonna keep us locked up here forever! We're not staying in here forever.
- We're getting out of here.
- How? We're breaking out.
What? Look, sometimes in life, you got to say, "What the hell," and just go for it.
I mean, that's how we won the Revolutionary War.
Colonel, the British are too entrenched across the river.
I've told the men we'll hold our position.
Negative.
Tell the men, we're going across.
But Colonel Goatbanger, we've No, we need to do this, 'cause for 'cause of for strategy.
All right, if we're gonna break out of here, we got to get past these guards.
Well, I got an idea.
It won't be pretty, but bear with me.
(groaning) Oh, no, I fell out of my wheelchair! (groaning) (strained groaning, sighs) Don't help me! I need to do this on my own! What are you doing, Joe? You're embarrassing us.
Oh, really? Are they looking? No.
They're actually going to great lengths to avoid it.
Exactly.
No one wants to watch a handicap struggle for independence.
This will buy us at least All right, I'm gonna nail this home.
Oh! Oh, this is so humiliating.
I'm about to be an adult man crying.
(Joe sobs loudly) I can't walk! Why the hell can't I walk?! This isn't part of the act anymore! No, no, no, no, don't look.
If you make eye contact, you'll have to help.
Hey, they're getting away! Release the dogs! (barking) (high-pitched barking) (barking continues, chains jangling) (barking) Oh, we did it! Your plan worked, Joe! I told you those guards would turn away.
Yeah, Joe, that was amazing! That was easier than taking candy from a premature baby.
(rhythmic beeping) I'm, uh I'm just gonna take this.
(loud laughter) Hey, I got an idea for something that's gonna be so (bleep) funny.
(whispering) Okay, Bonnie, go get it.
It's in the closet.
Brian! Brian, come out here! What are you doing?! I'm reading.
What what what What are you reading? Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book.
You know, I'll admit it has its moments, but it's completely overrated.
I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying Grab him! (laughter) What? What? What? What? Hey, what are you doing?! Hey! - Get his paw! Hold still! - Hey! Hey! Hey! What? - Push him down onto all fours! - No.
What are you do? - I don't want to do this.
- If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt! - Aah! (laughter, Brian groaning) Calm down! Calm down! (grunting) (laughter) Now Stewie! All right, I guess this is the night bitches die.
I wonder what the chain gang did today.
I hope we're not missing anything cool.
Maybe we should go back.
Hey, guys, look, there's a house.
Maybe there's something inside we can use to get these chains off.
It looks like nobody's home.
Hey, these look like handcuff and shackle keys.
How do you know that? (chuckles) These are handcuff and shackle keys.
Hey, it worked! You know, there's an awful lot of pictures of the sheriff in this house.
Well, he's a good-looking man.
I'll bet a lot of people in town have pictures of him.
Oh, no! It's the sheriff! Quick, into the closet! (farting) Who's there? PETER (in high-pitched voice): Just me, sweetie.
Oh, I didn't know you were home.
What are you doing in the closet there? Um wife things? Oh, all right.
Well, I'll only be home for a minute.
Some prisoners escaped from the work camp, and I'm helping the warden track 'em down.
Oh.
Well, maybe you should let 'em go.
You know I can't do that.
You're always working.
I wish you'd spend more time at home.
More time with me.
Maybe you're right, honey.
Maybe I do work too much.
You know what? I'm gonna let those fugitives go.
You'd do that for me? I'd do anything for you.
I love you.
I love you, too! Now, come out here and give me a kiss! Peter, no! Wait minute! I don't have a wife! (gunshots) (gunfire continues) (sirens wailing) (tires squealing) (train whistle blowing) Head for the tracks! (gunfire) Oh, no! They're shooting at us! Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots.
Man, these guys are elusive! Quick! Hop on! - All right, we did it.
- We made it.
That was a close one! (sighs) Well, guys, we made it.
Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week.
Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's or a Burger Queen, let's hop out.
Oh, that's right, we're on television.
Oh, I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper! So frustrating.
We all know what we're talking about.
(train chugging, train whistle blowing quietly) Well, this was quite an adventure.
Yeah, it's good to be back in familiar territory.
(gun chambers cocking) Where do y'all think you're going? You boys are fugitives of my county, and I'm gonna take you back.
Oh, no! I don't think so.
You're in my jurisdiction now, Sheriff Butt Breath.
Wow, Joe, how'd you pull that off? I put in a call from the McDaniel's pay phone while you guys were getting that nine-piece chicken McFingers and those Diet Conks and those Fresh Fries.
Oh, come on.
They-They don't own "French fries!" You know, you got some nerve driving around my town with a busted headlight.
And a busted windshield.
And an untreated flesh wound.
(groaning) You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff.
To protect and serve.
Not to harass and douche.
Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like.
And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man, not less.
Now, get the hell out of my town.
Nice going, Joe! Well, it's great being back in the North where people are civilized.
Hey, what, are you guys all on a date? Gay! Oh, my God, Peter, what an experience.
But the important thing is you're home safe.
Yeah.
And you know, I guess I learned something from all this.
(sighs) You know what? We've done this a billion times, so you know what? I'm just gonna do the cadences.
(speaking gibberish) (speaking gibberish) (speaking gibberish) (speaking gibberish) (speaking gibberish)