Family Guy s10e12 Episode Script

Livin' on a Prayer

Ow! There's a rock right there! There's a huge rock right there, and it's covered up by grass and there's no way you can see it.
And I got lucky.
But someone else could hurt themselves, and, and a small cut is a, is a death sentence in these times, so let's just, you know, let's let's get these rocks out of here.
There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train And he's wiggling his nose and his little bunny ts There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train.
Okay, what else we got on that train? A kitty cat.
A doggy.
Kevin Smith 'cause he's too fat to ride a plane! Okay, I heard kitty cat.
Oh there's a kitty cat a-riding on the train God, you know, I don't know why this guy's wife isn't here watching this stuff.
If I were her, I'd be here every show.
There's a kitty cat a-riding on the train.
Thanks, everybody.
See you next week.
Yay! He's a good singer.
Yeah, I've been catching his library shows since there were only, like, three or four kids here.
You should have been here, man.
Those were the shows.
Oh, looks like somebody made a friend.
I know.
Aren't they cute together? Adorable.
I'm Lois.
Hi, I'm Hope.
Any relation to Bob Hope? I'm kidding! I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor.
Oh, don't worry, I watch Regis and Kelly.
I can handle it.
Oh, so, you know.
This is my husband Ben.
Hi, glad to know you.
Gosh, you know, our little Scotty seems to be having such a good time with your son.
Would you be interested in getting them together for a playdate? Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea.
Look at them.
They're getting along like Billy Bob Thornton and his cat.
Billy Bob? Leave me alone! I'm taking a bath! Stewie, do you want to be the Autobots or the Decepticons? What's with all these labels, man? Autobots, Decepticons, gay, straight-- just pick a few robots, and let's party.
Hey, what's going on in here? Oh, hello, Brian.
We're playing Transformers.
Oh, cool.
Who's this little guy? It's my new friend, Scotty.
Do you mind? We're busy.
Hi, doggie.
You want to play with us? Scotty, Scotty, it's fine.
It's fine.
You don't have to.
He doesn't know Transformers.
Yeah, actually, I-I'd love to play.
Wh-Who should I be? Should I be one of these guys? I-I'll be this guy.
Who's this guy, huh? What's this guy's story? That's Optimus Prime.
You can't be him.
Scotty's Optimus Prime.
Oh, all right.
Well, I'll be, I'll be this guy.
How about this guy? What was that? Did you just growl? What robot growls? That's Starscream.
He's a Decepticon.
I'm the Decepticons.
Look, why don't you just beat it? All right, all right, relax.
I'll-I'll just, I'll be this guy over here.
That's He-Man.
We're playing Transformers.
Well, maybe this is the one where He-Man visits.
Brian, how is He-Man supposed to get to Cybertron? Hey, "Up, up, and away," right? He-Man doesn't fly.
Look, why are you being such a dick about this? I'm just trying to join in.
Yeah, you don't know what you're talking about, okay? You sound like That's not fair.
I think I'm doing pretty well.
No, you don't know the characters, Brian.
You don't know the characters.
If you could hear yourself right now, you would not stop throwing up.
You can't just put He-Man in Transformers' world, all right? He wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia, and Eternia is in an entirely different dimension.
He can just take his rocket ship.
Get get out of here.
- We now return to The Post - "Roe vs.
Wade"Brady Bunch.
Greg! Marcia! Get down here! Oh, you two are such a handful! Oh, I'm getting some steam.
Picking up steam here, Scotty.
You'd better look out.
I don't feel so well.
Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin.
Hey, Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over! Oh, my God, he's unconscious! Peter, what happened?! Eh, you know me, Lois, I don't pry.
Peter, he's not moving! We gotta get him to the hospital! You got it, Lois! To the Peter-rang! Just for the record, I was at the hospital for a brief moment.
Griffin, it's a good thing you brought this child in.
Why? Is he okay? I'm afraid he's very sick.
In fact, his lab-work shows he is suffering from Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Oh, my God! Are you saying Scotty has cancer?! I don't know, I didn't read the whole Wikipedia entry, but the good news is that what he has is highly treatable with radiation first, and if necessary, chemotherapy.
Oh, for God's sake.
Look, do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? No, I don't.
Well, it's probably pretty expensive.
Lois! We came as soon as we got your call.
Oh, Hope, Ben, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but Scotty has Cancer.
We know.
You do? Yes, we're aware of his condition.
But you shouldn't have brought him to the hospital without talking to us first.
Why wouldn't we bring him? He was unconscious.
He clearly needed treatment.
Oh, no, he doesn't receive treatment.
What?! We're Christian Scientists.
We don't accept medical care for ourselves, and we don't permit it for our children.
But your son has cancer! Wait a minute.
Christian Science.
Is that, is that that thing all them gaybo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff away from other guys' butts? Don't you understand? Scotty needs help.
And he'll get it through faith.
That's right.
We will heal him with the power of prayer.
Y-You can't just let them just walk out of here! Oh, I think they'll be back.
Are those their keys? No, they're my keys.
And they said because of their faith, they don't believe in medicine.
Mom, I think there's a lot of religions that do that.
Well, that may be, Meg, but that poor little baby has cancer, and they're just gonna take him home and pray over him?! Well, that's what they do.
They believe that disease is just an illusion.
And the only way to fight it is to make your faith stronger.
Illusions?! You want to talk about illusions?! If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated! But you know what?! We're just gonna go out and buy another dog! And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions! Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal.
I think I haven't had enough! Peter, I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider getting treatment for Scotty.
I'm going with you, Lois.
Yeah, I'll go, too.
All right, but try to keep your mouth shut, okay? You have a habit of saying the wrong thing.
During his 22-year reign, this French monarch known as "The Spider King" had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy.
Peter? Who was King Louis XII? Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were looking for King Louis XI.
Ah, damn it, I knew that! Ah, well, me in the with a big, black.
King Louis XI.
Tim, select.
Oh, Lois, Peter, come on in.
We were just praying for Scotty's recovery.
If you'd like, you can join us.
Well, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
You'd better not just have church toys.
Look, I don't mean to question your religious beliefs, but as a mother, I just can't bear the thought of little Scotty not getting the help he needs.
You really needn't worry, Lois.
Scotty will get all the help he needs.
From where? From here.
Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy? Let me see that.
This is your god?! A woman?! Well, she's the founder of our faith.
Oh, really? So with this book from the 1800s, you can pray away paralysis or terminal illness? Yes, we would pray for anyone who's afflicted.
Well, then I'll tell you who you should really be praying for.
Out-of-work clowns.
I need 40.
Ben, Hope, please, I just want to do anything I can to help your son.
Well, you can, Lois.
Stay and pray with us.
I think you'll find that with God's love and a true belief, all manner of miracles are possible.
Look, I'm a churchgoer, too, but sometimes prayer isn't enough.
He needs professional medical care.
You know, Lois, this couch would be perfect for one of your red wine pass-outs.
Look, we appreciate your concern, Lois, but Scotty is our son, and we have to tend to him as we see fit.
But your son is sick! He needs help! Um, does your god also not believe in putting out snacks for the guests? Come on, Lois.
I think we're wasting our time here.
They're obviously very committed to their beliefs.
But their beliefs are crazy, Brian.
I don't know who's crazier-- these people or those Seventh-Day Adventists.
I'm a Methodist.
We believe that the Lord is our Savior, and we remember Him by going to church and praising Him every Sunday.
I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist.
We believe all the same things that you believe, but we go to church on Saturdays.
What?! Ga-ga-ga-ga-gahh! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! I know it's frustrating, Lois, but the fact is, there are no laws that say those people have to take their child to the doctor.
How can that be? Children are citizens, too.
They should have rights.
Well, it's a tricky area, Lois.
You could file a suit, but that could take months, and even then, there's no guarantee the court wouldn't support the parents' right to practice their religion.
How could we live in a country that would allow a sick child to die? Look, this country was founded by people who came here to escape religious persecution.
They made sure we all had a right to religious freedom, and it's my job to protect that.
So there's nothing we can do? You could contribute to the Policeman's Ball.
What?! What does that have to do with a sick child? Look, it's a nice night out, you're eating at a fancy buffet, the captain does his Al Pacino Joe, we're really more of a Fireman's Ball family.
Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna come and put out the rape?! Peter, we can't let this happen.
I-I mean, we're parents.
What if this was one of our kids? It's too bad we're not the A-Team.
'Cause then we could just go in there and steal that kid.
I don't know about that, Peter.
Kidnapping is against the law.
It's too bad we're not Taken from Taken.
Then I could dip my head in brown paint and galumph around Europe looking for my hot daughter.
Although is it any worse than what they're doing? They're letting a kid die.
It's too bad we're not Dragonheart.
Then we could just fly around on a dragon and forget about all this.
You know what? That's exactly what we should do.
What? What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about us going in there and taking that kid and getting him some help.
I mean, I know it's wrong, but it's better than just letting him die.
Hey, that's not a bad idea.
It's like we're doing a public service.
Like those idiots who get together to paint a school.
This underachieving, crime-ridden school is now fawn beige, thanks to guilty white people with no weekend plans! Yay! Peter, what the hell? Where's your ski mask? It's kind of hard to breathe in those things, so I just dressed up like Harry Potter.
All right, let's go.
Lois, if anything should happen to us, I want you to know, I haven't been happy for a long time.
Yes, Peter, you've told me that, like, ten times.
All right, all the lights are out.
They must be asleep.
It's go time.
Peter, what the hell was that? That's what you do, Lois.
Okay, now, take this walkie-talkie and confirm that I'm at the various checkpoints.
"Peter up on a telephone pole"? Check.
"Peter cutting the wires to the alarm"? Check.
"Sexy Peter distracting the guards"? Check.
Hello, boys.
Come up and have sex with me some time.
"Van full of Peters who all have stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist"? Check.
"Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to be upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is"? Check.
"Peter in an open airplane door slapping other Peters on the back as they parachute out"? Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Check! "Super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house"? Hai! "Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong"? Peter? Peter, are you there? Now, let's go get that kid.
Okay, he's in the left upstairs bedroom.
All right, you keep the car going in case there's trouble.
All right, I got him, Lois.
Peter, what the-- that's not Scotty! That's Ben! Oh.
Well, you know, we ain't known this family that long.
I'm still learning everybody's names.
Damn it, put him back and go get Scotty, the baby! Okay, so I'll go get the baby, and while I'm doing that, maybe you do something about that snatchy tone.
Lois, is this the right one?! Shh! Peter! Yes.
Now, come on.
What was that? I don't know.
It came from Scotty's room.
All right, we did it! Yes! We got the kid and the treasure.
Peter, there's no treasure.
Oh, well, never mind, then.
We now return to One-Hour Crime Show Where the Murderer is the Most Famous Person in the Credits.
I think you're gonna want to take a look at this.
What do we got? Looks like somebody had a rough night out.
Boy, you can say that again.
Better get the coroner down here.
He's still got his watch and his wallet.
Guess that rules out robbery.
Stabbed 17 times in the chest; I'd say the murderer knew the victim intimately.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker with some breaking news.
A local kidnapping has rocked Quahog tonight.
"Rocked Quahog"? Really? The whole town is r-- The family maybe is rocked.
But the whole-- All right, well, in any event, we now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa.
Let's see how much she's "rocked" by all this.
Tricia? Tom, I'm standing here with Mayor Adam West, with the latest information about the disappearance of young Scotty Jennings.
What can you tell us, Mr.
Mayor? Please, Mr.
Mayor is my father.
Call me John Mayor.
Your body is a wonderland, by the way.
What is the city doing to help rescue the missing boy? Well, we're looking for this child using all the latest technology, including the newest, most advanced multimedia milk cartons.
Help me! I'm missing! Help! Why are you still eating breakfast?! I'm kidnapped! Why are you turning me the other way?! I'm still here! Scotty Jennings? Oh, my God! I know she was upset, but do you think Lois would've gone so far as to kidnap him? Of course she did.
She'll do anything for attention.
I know.
She's like the boy who cried wolf.
Wolf, wolf! Did you hear that? Somebody needs help! Let's go! Oh, my God, Charles! Oh, my God, I'll run and get help.
No, no, we've got to carry him! We can't leave him here; there's a wolf! Um, there's not really a wolf.
What?! Tell my kids I love 'em.
Charlie! Charlie! This was so funny in my head when I planned it.
Don't you worry, Scotty.
We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need.
Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
When this is over, we can get some ice cream.
Me and Lois can get some ice cream, not you.
They're gonna be sticking needles in you everywhere.
You know, Peter, you were right, this is actually kind of a rush.
I mean, look at us, we're like Thelma and Louise.
Yeah, but we all know that didn't end well for them.
You know what? Let's just turn ourselves in.
I got a great lawyer.
And he says, worst case, eight to 12 years.
And when we get out, we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of us.
Good-bye, terrible women.
Oh, my God! This is Tricia Takanawa.
I am standing outside Quahog Hospital, where accused kidnappers Lois and Peter Griffin have just arrived.
Also arriving is my overprotective boyfriend, who is suspicious whenever I am called into work at night, even though I've been a reporter for years, Tyrone.
I thought I told you to mention my painting business.
Lois, Peter, stop right there.
You're under arrest for kidnapping.
I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender.
Joe, please get out of our way.
I promise, when this is over, I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life, but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves.
Uh, Joe, we would like two tickets to the Policeman's Ball.
Too late! There they are! Lois, please! Stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us! I can't do that, Hope.
But we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands.
I know.
And maybe that's why he ended up in my hands.
The Lord can't do everything, you know.
Blasphemy! Heresy! Sodomy! Sorry, I don't even know what's going on.
How you doin'? Ben, Hope, I know you don't believe in modern medicine, but you do believe in the power of prayer.
That's right.
And through the years, when there was disease or infection, people of good faith would pray to God for a cure.
It's what we do.
Well, then isn't it possible that penicillin, vaccines and antibiotics are all actually answered prayers? And isn't it possible that the amazing men and women of medicine who brought about these miracles could be the instruments of God's answers to our prayers? It's good so far, Lois.
Try to work a few laughs in there if you can.
Look, I believe life is sacred.
And I know you want Scotty to live a full life.
And if that's true, then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will.
I mean, what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers? Hope, Ben, please let God answer your prayers.
Please let your son get help.
Well, I guess through the Lord's will, anything is possible.
All right, Lois.
Scotty can have his treatment.
Oh, thank you! Thank you, and God bless you both! Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid! We now return to Dracula in San Francisco.
Well, that's why we have the lab.
Well, I just got off the phone with Hope, and it sounds like Scotty's gonna make a full recovery.
You hear that, Stewie? Looks like your little friend's gonna be okay.
Eh, I don't care about him.
I've got a new friend who's got leprosy.
See, he's funny.
Peter, are you actually reading that Christian Science book? Yeah, you know, I figured I'd give it a shot.
I mean, wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something, and it actually happened? I am so happy for me.
I deserve this.
When do you think the Queen's gonna die?