Family Guy s10e23 Episode Script

Internal Affairs

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! And now, "Movie and a Bath with a Guy Named Lou.
" Hey.
It's Saturday night, and you know what that means.
We're gonna take a bath and watch the 1984 interesting movie, Gremlins.
Now, the Gremlins are funny.
I don't know if those things are puppets or they put costumes on dogs or something, but let's press "play" and find out, huh? You can't get them things wet, by the way, but don't worry, this don't affect that.
We interrupt this program for some breaking news, which is why I'm still chewing a bagel.
Just-just roll the footage.
A major drug bust in Quahog today as police seized over 100 kilos of cocaine.
Okay, I'm done.
That's right, Joyce.
Apparently, there were 100 kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog, and yet my guy can't get dick.
Singled out for special recognition in orchestrating today's drug bust was Officer Joe Swanson.
It feels good to know that, thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Is that a thing? It's a great thing.
Great job, Joe! Way to go! There he is! Hey, thanks, everybody.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Joe, I saw you on TV.
Now I have to go through the five stages of having a celebrity friend.
Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We're going right to the top together.
Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here.
I'm sorry I overreacted.
Look, you got to be careful.
You need someone looking out for you, who knows you.
Someone you can trust.
Give me some money! Man, that was some pretty impressive police work, Joe.
Thanks, Quagmire.
I'll be honest, it was nice to be acknowledged by the chief for once.
Usually, he's just reminding me that whatever punk I'm roughing up ain't worth it.
You son of a bitch! I ought to kill you right here! Hey! This punk's not worth it.
You're right.
You're not worth it.
So, listen, if you guys aren't doing anything later, the chief's throwing me a little party to celebrate my bust.
I am going to let Quagmire answer first.
Yeah, I'll go.
I shall go, too.
Oh, great.
I'll see you guys tonight.
Oh, God, buddy, I'm sorry.
You okay? You bastard! Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.
Hey, Bonnie, I made a major drug bust today.
The biggest one the force has ever seen.
That's great, Joe.
You don't seem very excited.
I mean, this is a huge deal for me.
The chief is even throwing me a party tonight.
I don't know if I can take another evening of sympathetic eye contact from all the other wives.
Well, just so you know, this is a really big deal.
They even asked me to be a guest on Muy Importante! Muy Importante! Muy Importante! Muy Importante! Muy Importante! Muy Importante! A donkey just bit a child in the hallway.
Wow, I've never been to a cop bar before.
Yeah, look at the bartender.
I bet working here, she's one of those women who's tough as nails and good at giving sass.
What will it be, fellas? I'd like to cram both your boobs into a martini glass.
I-I think she's just a normal woman.
To Joe Swanson! And the biggest drug bust in the history of Quahog! Officer Swanson, I just wanted to say congratulations.
I'm Nora.
I just joined the force.
Nice to meet you.
Wow, I've heard so much about you.
You're like a legend at the academy.
Is it true you got straight A's in Officer Henderson's Overintensity Workshop? You're damn right I did! Well, you did some great work today.
And I mean regular-person great, not just wheelchair-person great.
Yeah, I guess.
You seem a little distracted.
Is everything okay? Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about someone should have come tonight, but they didn't.
Ah, it's nothing.
That's good.
Hey, Officer Swanson? Yeah? You know how they say never meet your heroes? Well, they don't say anything about kissing them.
Whoa! Geez, every cop in town is here.
I know.
Who do you think is taking care of the city? No.
What the hell? Come on! No drive.
Is wet.
Hey-hey, fun party last night, Joe.
You guys, I got something to tell you.
The weirdest thing happened to me at that party.
I got kissed by this chick cop.
No way! What's she look like? Is she hot? Well, I don't know.
Uh Is Elizabeth Perkins hot? I I, uh I-I don't I don't know.
Way to go, Joe.
Did you bang her? What? Of course not, Quagmire.
I mean, I'm a married man.
I could never cheat on Bonnie.
Well, under normal circumstances, you'd be right to say that, but in this case, cheating would be the only fair thing.
What? What are you talking about? Come on.
Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? Oh, yeah.
I don't want to talk about that.
Joe, how can I put this delicately? He used his stinky French wiener to defile her.
That's a real hit above the belt.
But I'm still not sure that's a reason to betray Bonnie.
Come on, Joe.
Sleeping with this girl wi even things up.
You can't have that kind of imbalance in your relationship.
In fact, you owe it to Bonnie to have sex with this woman.
It's for the good of your marriage.
Yeah, you should go for it, Joe.
Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.
I have a CB radio in the basement.
I go down there a couple times a week to have CB sex.
Lois has no idea.
Breaker breaker one-nine.
What's your 20? Ah, it's so hot just knowing you're in a truck.
Good morning, Officer Swanson.
Oh, hey Nora.
Uh, listen, I It's okay, Joe.
You don't need to explain.
I stepped over the line at the bar last night.
I'm I'm sorry.
It's not that I don't find you attractive.
I do.
I just I'm married and I get it.
I totally understand, Joe.
Excuse me.
Hello? Joe? Bonnie? Oh.
I-I meant to call someone else.
So, how is everything? Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? He used his stinky French wiener to defile her.
Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris? He used his stinky French wiener to defile her.
Hey, Quagmire, we're in Joe's head.
Hey, let's mess with him.
I'm going to leave a fart trapped in here.
All right, let's get out of here.
I want you.
I want you, too.
Come on.
I have a little place we can go to.
I've never seen a sofa in a bathroom stall before.
Well, I'm the only one who comes in here, so I figured I'd make it my own.
How are you enjoying your steak? Mmm.
It's delicious.
Let me put another log on the fire.
Thanks, Joe.
It was getting a little chilly in here.
That's 'cause you're all the way over there.
Well, let me fix that.
Oh, Joe.
Oh, Nora.
Did you bring protection? Oh, don't worry.
Nothing comes out of the front.
What a great day for Joe and Bonnie.
This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq.
Why does Kevin always sit at the bus stop, but never gets on a bus? Please don't bring that up.
Don't bring anything he does up.
Hey, you guys.
You're right on time.
Kevin just woke up screaming from his afternoon nap.
Mom, it's my birthday, and you invited your friends.
All yours are dead! Hey, guys.
Uh, can I talk to you for a second? I did something terrible.
Ah, hey, we've all done terrible things.
Attention, everyone.
The plane is sinking, so I need you all to proceed onto the floating slide.
Dear airplane people, I owe you one floating slide.
And just so you know, the guy stewardess was angry gay, not happy gay.
What does it say? Nothing.
Just instructions and stuff.
Oh, my God.
You actually went through with it? How was it? I don't know, you guys.
I thought I would feel better after I slept with Nora, but I don't.
I just feel really guilty.
And I'm not mad at Bonnie anymore; I'm just mad at myself.
Guys, am I the only one who thinks it's weird talking about Joe cheating on Bonnie in front of their baby? I think we can all benefit from a little strange now and then.
I know I will.
The baby monitor.
Wha? The baby monitor.
You cheated on me? I-I, uh You bastard! Bonnie, please.
After all I do for you, this is how you repay me? Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy, huh? I never slept with Francois.
What? But Peter said Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him? No, Peter.
I said she wanted to.
Damn it, Peter! Now, hold on.
In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things.
You know what, it doesn't matter.
Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now.
What? Driving you away? Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you? They still have one of those TVs with the big, fat back.
Maybe we should all leave.
No! No! Everyone stays.
I want this to be a disaster.
'Cause this has been a long time coming.
You care about nothing except yourself.
You son of a bitch.
I got a license to operate a sex crane for you.
And I got earplugs so I could put up with that horrible voice of yours.
I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.
I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex.
I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch.
I want a divorce! You got it! Sorry.
I opened some of the gifts.
Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa? No, Chris, it does not.
That doesn't even make any sense.
Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair.
Look, Lois, it's in the Bible.
What's in the Bible? I-I don't know.
Doesn't that always cover it somehow? Peter, you blew up their marriage.
This was a huge mistake.
Well, we've all made mistakes.
Why did the sign say "not an exit"? It should have just said "gorilla door.
" So, it's really over, huh? After all these years? I'm afraid so.
But let's be honest, Peter.
Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart.
Boy, I never would have seen this day coming when we first met.
"Africa" by Toto was playing.
I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers Of some quiet conversation I stopped an old man along the way Hoping to find some long forgotten words Or ancient melodies He turned to me as if to say "Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you" It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had Ooh, ooh Lois, I know how to get Joe and Bonnie back together.
Joe just told me how he and Bonnie met.
So I figure, all we got to do is find a way to recreate the magic of that night.
Well, we better do something soon, 'cause I just talked to Bonnie and she's already on D-Date.
What the hell's D-Date? Diarrhea Date.
It's filthy.
But she found someone, and they're doing whatever they do tomorrow.
What the hell's wrong with people? Thanks for inviting me to lunch, Lois, but why are we eating at a strip club? I know the waitress here from water aerobics.
She said she'd give us 20% off.
All units, all units.
We have a disturbance at the Fuzzy Clam.
This is Officer Swanson.
What's the problem? Well, one of the dancers was dancing with a guy and saying, "You're my favorite, you're my favorite," but now she's dancing with another guy.
That's not a crime.
Well, shouldn't it be? I'll be right there.
("Africa" by Toto playing) Boy, I haven't heard this song in a long time.
Police! What's going on? Bonnie? Joe? What are you doing here? I'm here with Lois.
What are you doing here? I got a call.
Is that is that "Africa" by Toto? Yeah.
That's our song.
It is.
But she hears only whispers of some quiet Well, it seems like things are fine here.
Listen, Bonnie, I, uh I just want to say I'm sorry.
I was a real ass, and I miss you.
I'm sorry, too.
I know I haven't been that easy to live with lately.
Well, I'm going to go now.
Joe, wait.
You want a lap dance, mister? No.
Sit down.
I'm giving you one.
The wild dogs cry out in the night As they grow restless Longing for some solitary company Oh, Joe.
Oh, Bonnie.
He turned to me as if to say Can you ever forgive me? It's going to take some time, Joe.
Rest of your life okay? It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa