Family Guy s12e11 Episode Script

Brian's a Bad Father

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Ah, this hunting trip is long overdue.
Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad that all the-the animals are so spread out, you know? I mean, wouldn't it be awesome if-if they were all grouped together, like in a cafeteria, and you could just go in there with a trench coat and just waste them? Well, maybe I can stir up some quail or pheasant with my patented bird calls.
Birds! Quail! Pheasant! Come on out! I'm a bird of the opposite sex who's interested in mating! Did you hear that? We're gonna get laid! Billy, Billy, come on.
Don't be stupid.
Should've taken the shot, fat-ass.
Ah, ah, ow! Hey, Peter, you got your safety on, right? Yeah, of course.
Okay, 'cause your gun is pointing right at me.
Well, you want me to pull the trigger and prove it to you? No, I just want to make sure your safety's on.
See, Quagmire? Safety's on.
Now this is a gun without a safety.
Quite the difference, huh? Damn it, Peter, you son of a bitch! You shot me! Oh, my God, Peter! That might be the dumbest thing you've ever done.
No, the dumbest thing I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.
Lois, why did you buy this?! It was on sale! A writer who inherits a magic typewriter that writes for him, but then it turns out the typewriter is racist? Totally makes sense.
Older technology, older world view.
And that is a good day.
I earned some banana bread.
Oh, crap.
It's Dylan.
Dylan? Your son? I haven't heard you mention him in ages.
Yeah, I-I decided to step away from the whole situation.
The last thing he needs is a father who's, you know, sometimes there, sometimes not.
Really? When-when was the part when you were there? Hey, if I click "ignore," will he know that I'm sending him to voice mail? Hey, Dylan! Hey, it's Stewie! Yeah, I'm right here with your dad! Hey hey, Dylan.
Hey, Dad! I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'm calling because I'm on my way to Quahog.
Oh, really? W-When are you getting here? Tuesday Oh, don't say Tuesday! Aw, aw, I'm at the I'm at the I'm out at the project all day.
Aw, hands on, indispensable.
They-they need me there, so, wow.
I can cover for you at the project, Brian! Go see your boy! Dad, who's your coworker? He sounds nice.
He's widely disliked here, but, uh I'll meet you Tuesday at the coffee shop.
Sounds great.
I'll see you then.
Okay, b-bye.
See? Don't you feel better? You're gonna go to that lunch, you're gonna reconnect with your son.
It'll be great.
I don't know, Stewie.
Trust me, you should take my advice.
I mean, I'm the guy who told Michael Chiklis to wear tight shirts.
I'll tell you anything you want, just get your boob out of my face! You know the difference between you and me, dirtbag? No matter how muscular I get, I will never be muscular.
Hey, Quagmire, what's with the cast? Did you hurt your arm after I shot you in the arm? The shooting was the injury, Peter! Look, I already said I was sorry, like, a hundred times.
Oh, and before I forget, I want my Huey Lewis CD back.
Well, I want a new drug.
Okay, at least you've been using it.
But I want it back, Peter.
This is it.
Damn it, Peter, just give it back.
I can't give it back.
I lost it in a poker game.
What? I didn't think he could beat a two.
Where the hell do you get off betting my CD in a poker game? I don't think I like your tone.
W-What? You're-you're saying I'm being the unreasonable one?! Jeez, calm down, you guys.
No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe, it's time somebody said this to him.
Peter Griffin, you are an idiot! You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.
Peter, come on! Walk over here.
I'm doing something.
One thing at a time.
Damn it, Peter, that's it! I am done! I'm done with you! I'm done with all your crap! I never want to speak to you again! This friendship is over! Well, fine! I don't need your friendship! I got other friends.
I got my silent movie friends.
Coming up, we'll meet a Filipino man who actually has a grown-up haircut.
Hey, what are you still doing here? Aren't you supposed to be having lunch with Dylan? Yeah, you know, Stewie, I've been thinking about it.
And I haven't seen him in years, and at this point, I-I just don't see what could possibly be gained from me getting together with him.
In entertainment news, Hollywood comes to Quahog in the form of a new Disney Channel show called Parent Boppers, about a group of teen detectives.
The show, set and filmed right here in Rhode Island, stars local teen and Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.
Brian, did you hear that? Your son's gonna be a TV star! Brian? He's off to lunch, Meg.
Oh, that dog o' mine! That's Mike Drunkbeater.
Look it up on the Internet.
Wow, my son Dylan on a TV show.
Funny how life turns out, isn't it? You remember that weekend we watched TV together? Boy, little did I know how much that was gonna rub off.
Did we watch TV together? Oh, probably.
But, wow, huh? And-and you know what's weird? You're on a show I'm a writer.
It's-it's almost like the universe is trying to I don't know, make us work together or something, I don't know.
You you want a job on my show? Hey, hey, don't put the universe's words in my mouth, okay? I don't know, Dad.
I've-I've barely seen you in the past few years.
So, what better way to reconnect than by working together every day? Well, I suppose I could talk to them, see if they'd go for it.
Why wouldn't they? I-I mean, it wouldn't be the craziest idea in show business.
When I grow up, I want to stick my head through a circle at the beginning of movies and roar.
What's up now, bitches?! We now return to Saving Private Ryan, brought to you without commercial interruption by Mazda.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Zoom zoom.
Hey, Jerome, can you clear out my booth? Looks like somebody left their trash here.
Jerome, can you tell that to get the hell out of here before I kick him in the face? Peter, why don't you just sit in that booth over there? Oh, man, that's where the after-work secretaries sit.
What about Mr.
Demerson? Is he single? I I-I don't know.
What about Mr.
Adelaide? Is he single? I don't know who that is.
Well, who do you know who is single? Uh, I'm assuming you.
Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake! Hey, Joe! Hey, Joe, I'm over here! Joe! Joe! Come sit with me! Come on, you guys.
Joe, I got a box of salt water taffies, and you can have two.
Joe, I got a deck of cards you can put in your wheels to look cool.
Joe, I'll do the wavy stomach for you.
Looks like a real wave.
Joe, I can scream your name real loud! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! I can yell it louder! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! What the hell is going on here?! I'm in there trying to take a leak! What, you think I'm here to amuse you? You made me dribble on my Bruno Maglis turning to see who's calling my name! Joe Pesci thought we were talking to him 'cause his name is Joe.
Oh, you don't know who Joe Pesci is, 'cause you're 14.
You see, in the '90s, this was a tough guy.
Hey, multiracial group of friends, you want to hang out? Cut! That's a five.
Tell my assistant I fell asleep with a condom on again, and to bring scissors to my trailer.
All right, guys, before we begin today, I want to introduce our newest staff writer, Brian Griffin.
Hi, guys.
Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.
You probably have my novel, but just so you know, in here, I'm just one of the guys, all right? You have my novel, right? Nope? No? You got it, though.
Nope? You got it? Nope, nobody's got it.
All right.
Okay, so we got to come up with a story for next week's episode.
How about we do one where DJ gets his driver's license? That could work.
I don't think we've done that.
Love that idea.
No, no, no.
Guys, guys, come on, where's the STWISTUSION? Really? Really? I'm the only guy here who's heard of that? Stakes, twists, conclusion-- STWISTUSION.
That sounds made up.
Let me ask you something: are you afraid right now? What? No.
That's what's wrong.
You should be, you know? Art is scary.
This is writing, man.
The viewer wants to be raped.
Are you saying my nine-year-old daughter wants to be raped? Now you're asking the right questions.
Now you're being creative, thinking outside the box.
Take what you think you know and go a different way with it.
Like-like, for instance, what if the daughter in Taken was Zooey Deschanel? Send me her head.
Peter, Quagmire, I've called you here today because this has got to stop.
The petty vying for my attention, the late-night phone calls, the attack ads.
Glenn Quagmire claims to be Joe Swanson's good friend.
But would a "good friend" not return a leaf blower for four months during the leafy season? I'm Peter Griffin, and I broke into a news station to make this.
Hey, who's that guy? Well, look, you guys have given me no alternative.
I have to choose one of you.
So I choose Quagmire.
What?! Suck it! I'm sorry, Peter, it's just that Quagmire's been there for me in some pretty dark days.
And he's been a wonderful godfather to Susie.
There she is, my little Susie-woozie! I love Susie more! Come here, Susie! Uncle Peter's gonna give you a raspberry.
Peter, that's not where you do a raspberry.
I closed my eyes too early.
I think it's best if you leave.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'll hang out with my godson, Kevin.
Get out! He was masturbating with a knife.
We're rolling! My stupid parents want me to wear a bike helmet.
Parents are lame.
Hold on, other kids.
Maybe they just recognize that nothing can protect us from the tedium of our mundane lives.
Aren't we all on bikes without helmets? Sometimes I just want to put this gun in my mouth.
Cut! Your line is "That's right, Cameron.
" I know.
My dad wrote that one for me.
Again with this? Yesterday, you had Dakota give herself an abdomen-punch abortion during her volleyball tournament.
Hey, seventh grade can be hell.
Brian, you're fired.
Wait, what?! Sorry, Brian, but you're done.
Oh, come on! You can't fire a writer in the middle of a show! That would be like a doctor leaving in the middle of a surgery! Help! I'm supposed to have surgery, but my doctor disappeared.
Okay, Josh, this is the shot you've been waiting for.
Okay, Derek, this is the shot you've been waiting for.
Dylan, Dylan, there you are! Listen, you can't let them fire me! You're the star of the show! Dad, believe me, I want you to work here with me, but you can't keep doing things like that.
And they know you took those cases of Diet Coke home last night.
I thought they were anybody's Diet Coke! They're for work! I work at home! Oh, hey, by the way, are we all getting those backpacks with the name of the show on them? You know what, Dad? I'm starting to think that you've just been using me to advance your career! God! You're a terrible father! I never want to see you again! My God, he's right.
I am a terrible father.
Brian, do you know where What the hell are you drinking? Is that Rite Aid- brand whiskey? Stewie, I just feel so awful about what happened with Dylan.
I mean, every terrible thing he said about me is true.
Well, you're a terrible guy, Bri.
I think being a paid writer again just went to my head.
I mean, I just I can't believe I was so selfish.
It's-it's like Dylan just held a mirror up to me, and I could finally see how poorly I'd been treating him.
I guess I didn't realize how lucky I was to have Dylan back in my life until I lost him all over again.
Well, maybe you should just apologize.
I tried to.
I mean, I texted him "S-R-Y frowny face.
" I mean, he knows that I'm sorry and that I'm sad.
What are you guys doing up so early? What-what are we Where have you been? Well, I certainly wasn't at the Shriners' convention.
You know what I think, Brian? I think you've got to get down to that set and apologize face-to-face.
You're right.
I just I hope he's willing to hear me out, you know? I'm the worst father ever.
I'm even worse than Marvin Gaye's dad.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Marvin, if this another tie, I'm gonna kill you.
Well, looks like it's just you and me, shadow.
Shadow! Oh, hey, is, uh is Dylan back here? Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he doesn't want to see you anymore.
We're not allowed to let you in.
Well, you know what? I'm sorry, too.
For what? For this! Yeah, you know, you probably would've had a better shot if you hadn't yelled "For this!" You know, that-that kind of telegraphed what you were gonna do.
Ah, Stewie, it's no use.
They're never gonna let us in.
Well, maybe you can't get in, but I think I know someone who can.
Zac Sawyer? I'm Zac Sawyer.
Say "when.
" Acting.
Singing: pop, classical, light opera, Italian.
Dancing: classical, tap, jazz.
Horse riding.
Can I? Yes.
Accents: 13.
South American, South African, British upper class, British Cockney.
"What, Govnah?" Somebody gonna stop me? Fencing, nunchucks.
Driving? Yes.
Automatic and standard Okay, okay.
You're the worst.
Welcome aboard.
We now return to The Love Boat with Somali Pirates.
I am the captain now.
Well, okay, but that means you're in charge of getting Mr.
Devlin to admit that after 30 years, he still loves Mrs.
Devlin very much.
That is not the captain's responsibility! Well, maybe not where you come from, but here on the Love Boat Now, who is Mr.
Devlin? Try skinny-dipping with her like when you were kids.
Hey, Lois, if I was gonna kill myself, do I slit my wrists this way or this way? Sideways for attention, long way for results! Meg is right.
Okay, I'll be in the garage.
Peter, put that knife down.
Lois, I don't have any friends! So I'm gonna kill myself and get a full page in the yearbook.
Then they can't ignore me.
Who's that? I don't know.
Okay, Zac, remember, your character's name is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.
You surf and enjoy surfing.
In this scene, DJ Slopes is thinking of quitting the detective agency, and you're like, "No way.
" Got it.
We're rolling! Listen, Tevin, I think I just need more time to focus on my snowboarding and Web series about energy drinks.
No, man, you got to stay in the detective agency.
It's what your dad would want.
What? What are you talking about? What the hell's that new kid doing? This isn't in the script.
I'm talking about your dad, DJ.
He sent me here with a message.
He said he can't believe he was so selfish.
It's like you held a mirror up to him and he could finally see how poorly he'd been treating you.
He didn't realize how lucky he was Stay on me, camera one.
to have you back in his life, and now he feels like he's lost you all over again.
But how do I know he won't just hurt me again? You don't.
You never know that.
But isn't taking a risk better than not having a dad? Yeah, I guess you're right.
You're damn right I am.
Cut! You know, I don't know where any of that came from, but I liked it.
Who are you? I'm Zac Sawyer.
And I go where I'm needed.
Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known.
Where you headed? Wherever I'm needed.
No, no, it does not work like that.
I need to put address in machine.
Okay, maybe, you can just take me home then.
Where is home? I-I don't know.
It's-it's my mom and dad's house, but I don't know the address! I take you airport.
Okay! All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought.
I need you to shoot me in the arm so we can be friends again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, "I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture.
" Hand me the gun, Peter.
I, uh I passed the test? No, Peter.
I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.
But-but just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you.
Your offer means nothing, Peter.
The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm.
Now give me that! Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go! Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot! Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie! I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter! Ah! Son of a bitch! It's over.
We're all friends again.
What the hell, Joe?! I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.
Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him! Wait a second.
All right, then I get to shoot Joe, all right? He shot me! I mean, if we're doing things fair here, then All right, we're good.
Hey, Dad.
Dylan? I went to your house, and Chris told me you'd be here.
Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry I hurt you.
I've been a really bad father, like Ernest Hemmingway or-or some other great writer.
But if-if you'll give me a chance, I-I'd like to try to change that.
I'd like that, too, Dad.
Peter, I'm so glad you patched things up with your friends.
Have I told you that we're all friends again? Yes, Peter, we were just talking about it.
They're gonna take me to the zoo and roll me around.
We're all friends again.