Family Guy s12e13 Episode Script

3 Acts of God

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! All right, who's ready for a little tailgating? Hey, Brian, toss me a cold one! Ah.
Nothing better than a 7:00 a.
beer in an unbrushed mouth.
Peter, I don't want you drinking too much.
You're driving us all home.
Lois, I know how many beers I can drink and still be able to drive.
I figured it out.
Hey, Cleveland, what are you doing back in town? Just back up here for my monthly haircut.
When a black man finds a barber, it's for life.
Oh, my God, there's the CEO of my company! Now's my chance to impress him.
Hey, Mr.
Carlisle! Check this out.
That's what I can do for the company.
Really? Can you do other things for the company? No! No! No! I don't want to be promoted that way! I want to be promoted the shooting-hawks with-a-crossbow way.
"The NFL experience.
" That sounds cool.
Kid, you're the best.
Sign with me, and you're gonna make millions.
Griffin, get out there! Ow! It's his knee.
Doc?! You'll never play football again.
Too bad, kid.
You was gonna buy me a house! Now I have headaches.
I'm gonna save my brain for science.
Come on, guys.
It's game time.
Yeah! Patriots! All right! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever.
Except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week.
Okay, my Great-Uncle-wears a-ski-hat-all-the-time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi.
Hey, where's the monkey rabbi? Here's your Torah.
You be here on Tuesday at 9:00.
Check in with Shirley.
You gonna need me this week? Ah, maybe.
Maybe, Friday.
Uh, now, where are the gays? Over here.
No, no, no, the really cartoony gays? Yoo-hoo! There you are.
We're gonna need you guys all week.
Okay, Brian, so what are the rules? What? Rules? What are the rules? How do you make points? Oh, no.
Come on, we're here.
Just give me the Cliff Notes version.
Like-like who's the guy with the football ball? It's just called a football.
Okay, okay, shorthand lingo.
I like it.
I like it.
Now, I see some elements of Red Rover with a little bit of spud mixed in.
And is anyone ever going to blow a raspberry on the quarterback's belly? No, Stewie, that never happens.
Down goes Brady! And it looks like Williams is pulling up his shirt and having a little fun with his tummy! Look! He's doing it! Aw, this is my favorite part of the game.
When two drunk guys, each holding a baby, get into a fistfight.
You're stupid! No, you're stupid! Oh, now their wives are getting into it.
They're gonna put their cigarettes in their mouths and bump boobs.
You got no class, you bitch! No, you got no class! And now here comes security to kick out the wrong person.
Come on, Miyagi, take that karate outside! With a five-point lead and only ten seconds left, all the Patriots have to do is kneel down with the ball, and the game is Oh, my God, it's a fumble! It's picked up by the Bills, and they're gonna score the game-winning touchdown! Oh, come on! My God, ten losses in a row?! This whole season's been one long bad dream.
Yeah, like that one where I walk into the bank, and I ain't got no clothes on.
Sir, what are you doing? You have no clothes on.
Ah, must be having one of those dreams again.
Better wake myself up.
Oh, thank God.
Well, time to apply for this small business loan.
We now return to Turner Classic Movies' presentation of John Wayne's final Western, Big Bill Doyle.
Big Bill, two men got off the 2:40 from Amarillo.
Saddle my horse.
John Wayne only ate beef and coffee for every meal, so the director had to shoot around the fact that he was on the toilet all the time.
Yee-hoo! Yee-hoo! Reach for the sky, pilgrims.
Big Bill Doyle! That's right.
And I just made a Big Bill coil.
Damn it, I'm so angry the stupid Pats lost.
And to Buffalo! Buffalo's got everything.
They don't need a win like this.
You know, I am gonna channel this anger into something useful.
Like trying to get sand out of my backpack.
(yelling It's been four years since I went to the beach! Try turning it inside out.
Don't you think I tried that?! That's the first thing I did! We now return to the Fox NFL Post-Game Show.
I'm here with C.
, you ran for How did you manage that against the Patriots' defense? Well, we just gelled as a team today, and was fortunate to come away with the win.
All thanks and praise goes to God.
He really won this one for us.
Mario Williams, you scored the winning touchdown.
How does it feel to beat the Patriots? I'd like to thank God and a jury of my peers, who are both responsible for me being able to play today.
What the hell?! This is such bull crap! Well, what are you talking about? Isn't it obvious? God hates the Patriots.
He made 'em lose again! Peter, uncross your legs.
It's weird to yell with your legs crossed.
Come on, don't you notice that whenever the Patriots lose, the other team always thanks God? Huh.
Peter does kind of have a point.
Guys, I'm tired of God messing with football.
We got to do something about it! Like what? We got to find God and tell him to cut the crap.
How many times is God gonna ruin our Sunday with both church and bad football? It's time someone told God to stay where He belongs-- in our schools, and-and telling people where they can stick their wieners.
Now, what do you say? Let's go find God! All right, I'm in! Me, too! Let's do this! Whoa, whoa, Joe, Joe! What the hell?! What? I thought, uh, "Find God" was a code word.
We meant literally go and find him.
Well, I already texted Bonnie.
What a night.
Whew! What a night.
Ca ray zy.
Uh, yes, telegram for hungover.
Yes, I'll-I'll sign for that, thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
How was your night, Stewie? Ugh! Get your own life, bro.
Get off my sack.
Well, Lois, the guys and I are off to find God.
Peter, that's ridiculous.
This is ridiculous? There's 500 old grocery bags neatly folded and crammed into one of our cabinets.
I'm leaving those for the kids.
Peter, the idea of God, let alone that he'd care anything about football, is absurd.
Well, it's absurd to think that my hand scratching on the couch is some kind of animal, but you do.
What the is that? Okay, this is God's house, so we'll just go in there, talk to Him, and take care of this whole thing.
It'll be easy as one, two Three.
Hang on, guys.
I want to enter the church like Sherman Hemsley in Amen.
Shine on me Shine on me Shine on me Shine on me Oh, oh, shine Shine on me Oh Shine on me Oh-ah-ah-ah Shine on me Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey Shine on me Oh, oh, oh Shine on me There was a baby's funeral going on in there.
God's all over this Bible, but they never give you an exact address.
You guys, look.
I saw this article in the paper today.
"First Headline Read Aloud Often Incorrect.
" No, no, not that one, the one below it.
"Carrie Underwood Credits Her Success to Personal Relationship With God.
" You think she knows where we can find Him? I'm sure she does.
She's smart.
She won her job in a contest.
Guys, we are going to Nashville.
Wow, the Country Music Awards! And you know it's huge 'cause it's on a Tuesday night.
Hey, look, there's Taylor Swift.
And there's Taylor Not-So-Swift.
I broke up with a birthday cake.
We went on, like, two dates.
Hey, you're Carrie Underwood, right? I sure am.
You want an autograph? Yeah, can you get me Randy Travis's? Uh, I don't think so.
Hey, in that song, "Jesus, Take the Wheel," was that, like, the real Jesus, or was it just some Mexican guy? No, it was the real Jesus.
So, you know Him? We're actually looking for His father.
Do you know where we can find God? Well, God is everywhere.
He's in our hearts, and we take Him with us wherever we go.
Yeah, we're looking for, like, an address.
Look, you guys, I don't know who you are, but I have to go perform.
Peter, I don't think she knows where God is.
Let's go.
Hey, you know I don't like you talking to other guys.
I'm sorry, Jesus.
Give me 40 bucks.
I want to get a Toby Keith hat.
You sure you don't want to stay for the show? Nah.
This place gives me the creeps.
Like when I went to that Pedophile Opera.
We are proud to present Mozart's The Magic Flute in A minor.
And you still won't give us an Emmy? Come on! If Modern Family did that joke, you'd be carrying 'em around on your shoulders! Well, God wasn't in Nashville either.
Maybe it's time to throw in the towel.
All right, look, maybe I'm not like other football fans, but I don't have a fulfilling career and a rich family life.
Football is all I got.
Peter's right.
We all live and die with the Patriots.
Yeah, we got to do this.
Even if it means travelling to the ends of the Earth.
That's the spirit, guys.
We'll find him.
It can't be any harder than finding that cheese.
I think the cheese is that way.
I'm pretty sure it's over here.
Guys, guys, finding the cheese is what they want us to do.
Let's just chill.
I don't know where they're getting all this weed.
"In Greece, it was commonly held that one could speak to the gods from the top of Mount Olympus.
" We should probably go there.
What do you mean "gods"? There's more than one? Yes, Peter.
Greece is polytheistic.
Quick, Peter, say something so he thinks you know what he's talking about.
Yeah, you get it.
Apparently, the Greeks have a bunch of different gods.
Athena's the goddess of wisdom.
Poseidon is the god of the sea.
And I am Chronos, the god of time.
Oh, cool, what do you do? I tell the time and make gift baskets.
So are you also the god of gift baskets? I don't know; you tell me.
Rosewood-mango candle?! Chronos! I know, I know.
It's 4:30, by the way.
All right, what better place to find God than the birthplace of all of Western civilization's great religions and one really mean one.
I had a feeling this is what this place would be like.
Oh, God, it's so hot out.
Why is there never any parking downtown? Who gets married on a Tuesday? I got to get off these bad feet.
Ailments! Oh, look, Joe's feeding 'em pennies.
Oh, oh! Somebody take a picture.
I can't believe we didn't find God in Jerusalem.
Well, we'll have to keep looking.
Oh, here's our bus to the airport.
That was super loud.
Ah, India, the most spiritual country in the world.
God is not here.
Well, that whole trip was pointless.
Yeah, plus I left my Jacuzzi on the whole time, came home to a boiled raccoon.
You guys, I feel terrible.
I'm sorry I dragged you around the world looking for God.
I guess it was a huge waste of time.
Like bringin' a married guy to Vegas.
So I'm thinking steak house.
Do they have salad? I can't eat red meat.
Then we hit the tables.
I'm already down 30 bucks.
Maybe the sportsbook.
Is that near Caesars? I got to get Brandy a Celine Dion T-shirt.
And then the strip club.
Guys, we have a 7:00 a.
tee time.
And are we just gonna bail on the Hoover Dam? Hey, guys.
Hey, Death.
What are you doing here? Actually, I'm here for your show.
Oh, come on, man.
I'm on vacation.
Wait a minute, Death, you work with God! Will you take us to Him? Sure, I guess I could.
But don't you mean "her"? Look at your faces! Of course it's a dude.
Come on, let's go.
Aw, Death, we really appreciate you taking us to see God.
No problem.
I was supposed to kill Russell Brand, but I'll just do this instead.
Oh, w-well, wait, wait now.
I mean, you could just pick us up after What the Where the hell are we? This is Heaven.
This is Heaven? It looks like a Sandals.
Oh, hey, I'm God.
Welcome to Heaven.
Oh, you got to be kidding me! Handicapped is still a thing up here? Oh, yeah, you're like this forever.
Hey, how come everyone has different kinds of towels? Well, we don't provide towels; you have to bring your own.
It's very important that you die holding towels.
Have the priests not been passing this along? It's very important.
You know, I actually can't believe they let me into Heaven.
They won't even let me umpire little league games anymore.
Strike two! And, Ricky, you have got the best ass on this field.
Look, God, the reason we're here is we wanted to tell you to stop messing with the Patriots! What?! You really think I'd get involved with football games when there's people dying in Africa? Are you gonna do something about the people dying in Africa? No, but I'm pretty upset about it.
Come off it, God, you know what you're doing.
Stop making the Patriots lose! I'm God.
I don't have to do anything.
Ah, so you admit it! Maybe.
Oh, my God, it's true?! You don't, like, pay attention to how much each individual tips at each meal, right? Look, look, God, why why you got to hurt Patriots fans? These are good, drunk people who work hard to get absolutely nowhere in life.
There are three million fishermen and only seven fish left in the sea.
But they live to watch football, many of them still on Zenith or Sylvania television sets.
Please, God, we're beggin' ya, leave football alone.
It's all we got.
Look, it-it's not the fans.
It's just It's Belichick.
I don't like him.
I gave that guy three Super Bowls, and he never smiled once.
Not even at home.
Be grateful! But but that's just Belichick.
Yeah, come on, God.
Um, I'm locked out of my room again.
Oh, yeah, go directly to the boss.
Don't even try to ask an employee.
You got to lock the doors in Heaven? One guy lost a laptop, and everybody went nuts.
All right, all right, I'll tell you what.
If you make Belichick smile, I'll let the Patriots win again.
Okay, you're on.
I don't know, Peter, that's gonna be tough.
Don't worry, I got a lot of practice making people smile.
I used to be a celebrity baby photographer.
Okay, Apple, Apple, smile for Peter.
Smile for No? No? Okay, okay, look over there.
Who's that? Who's that? Who loves you over there? That's right.
Can you smile for Nanny Number Two? That's it! There you go.
And your mommy said that she'll be able to Skype at 8:30 if drinks don't turn into dinner.
Okay, okay, shh, here he comes.
Hiya, Mr.
Belichick! Who the hell are you? What do you want? We are here to make you smile.
And if there's one thing that always gets me to smile, it's a child's laughter.
So, I found this kid in the parking lot, and I'm gonna make him laugh for you.
Come on, laugh.
Who's your bubba? Wudgie, wudgie, wudgie, wudgie.
Don't touch my son's face.
Get over here, little man.
This flight is cleared for liftoff.
Who's flying? Whee.
You're flying.
Who's daddy's little jet? I love you, Daddy.
Oh, God, you guys again? All right, Coach, another surefire equation for comedy is tragedy plus time.
And now we wait.
All right, Coach, now one thing that's always funny is when I dub my voice over animal footage and introduce human foibles into their situations.
Tough day at the bank? No.
Just had a bad lunch.
What did you have? Serengeti and meatballs.
How absurd! Look, you guys have been following me around all day making fools out of yourselves.
Would you just leave me alone? I've got work to do.
Oh, guys, I guess we failed.
Sorry for wasting your time, Coach.
We got to get to the hospital anyway.
Our friend Joe here has to have his fluids changed every 72 hours, or else he swells up and his eyes turn yellow.
What was that? Oh, my God, Joe, quick! Tell him more about your sad life.
Uh, every morning, I wake up drenched in my own urine.
My feet are just shoes sewn to the bottom of my pants.
Last week, the handicapped seat on the bus was taken, so they put me on the front, like a bicycle.
After I injured my legs, my doctor said I'd be walking again in two weeks.
That's hysterical.
Oh, my God, yes! All right! All right! He smiled! We did it! Aw, man, this is my biggest accomplishment since my 1920s solo flight across the Atlantic.
Vive Pierre Griffin! Incroyable! Don't look in there.
Don't look in there.
It's all craps.
All right, we got to put toilets in these things if we're gonna be in 'em for more than two hours.
You guys pulled it off.
Well, a deal's a deal.
I'll leave the Patriots alone.
Oh, thanks, God! Yeah! Really appreciate it.
Aw, come here, you! Ah, ah, ah! Get off me! Get off me! What the hell? God's mildly autistic.
You can't touch Him, especially on the head.
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
Just-Just-Just don't do that! Sorry about that.
Well, uh, again, thanks.
We won't forget this.
Oh, by the way Conway Twitty says cut it out.
Just write a joke.
Well, Peter, I'm glad you're home, and I'm happy you guys found what you were looking for.
Yeah, and this trip made me realize that 98% of the world is just making each other blankets.
So, Brian, you still an atheist now that Dad's met God? Stewie, who knows who he met? Every time we go to Disney World, he thinks Mickey Mouse just happened to be there that day.
I'll tell ya, seeing God in Heaven was just like that time I met Mickey and Donald outside Thunder Mountain.
I mean, what are the odds? But, Peter, I still don't understand why you would go to all that trouble to find God and only ask about the Patriots.
Oh, I asked for one more thing.
Ah! What's happening?! Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
It's okay.
Just go with it.
It'll all be over in a second.